Ah yes, the Magic of Magnets and Velcro. Who could question it?

HHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

(Pauses to catch breath)

HAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAAHAAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA..

(Ok, sorry.  I'm ready now.)

This is another chapter in the never-ending late night tv show which might as well be called Why didn't I think of this and make a million dollars?  I mean, really.  Two dollars worth of cheap mesh, eighteen cheap magnets, and a few inches of Velcro, and suddenly I'm a RETIRED teacher sleeping in every morning and strolling museums and taking fabulous vacations instead of trying to talk over inattentive 9th graders and grading homework.

What gets me about this is not the brilliantly simple mesh curtain idea.  It's that the ad comes very close to letting us know "look, this is junk, but it will work for a while, and don't you think that even if  'a while' means a month or so, it might be worth giving it a try at this price?"  Unlike most ads for Miracle Stuff You Never Knew You Needed Until This Moment, Magic Mesh doesn't claim to be a Miracle Product (just Magic, which is not the same thing.)  It doesn't exaggerate the Miracle Properties of Magnets- we know how they work, and there they are, working exactly as expected.  It doesn't claim that Magic Indestructible Fasteners hold it in place- nope, we are TOLD it's just Velcro, and everyone under the age of fifty has a pretty good idea how well and for how long Velcro holds things in place.  Anyone with half a brain looks at these dumb animals and dogs going in and out of houses and realizes that Magic Mesh stuff is probably going to be falling down every few hours at most.  And that it won't always click shut properly- at least once in this very ad, we see the curtain fail to close completely behind someone.

But maybe, just maybe, this thing is better than having your dog scratch wildly at the patio door (you could actually train your dog not to do that, but it takes a bit more effort, and another Late Night TV Product.)  Maybe it is better than opening the door and letting the killer insects who were mysteriously waiting to ambush you into your house, where they would probably instantly kill you and your entire family.  Even if it is made out of junk and will never actually need storing, because you'll be using the Second Magic Screen Free Pay Only Extra Processing and Handling before the 4th of July weekend.

At least, it's worth thinking about.  I just wonder- does it really make that much noise when it closes?  Or was this ad made by the same people who give us those horrible Kit Kat commercials?

Dad's an unwelcome, uncool intruder, Part 56,986

Kids who apparently do not have functioning legs or any concept of posture lie splayed all over the furniture Daddy provided, in the house Daddy provided, playing on electronics Daddy provided.

Naturally, when Daddy tries to join in, Kids who depend completely on Daddy for food, clothing, shelter and the f--ing electronics in their hands react by shooting daggers at Dad which basically translate into "that's it, I want a DNA test done, there's no way you are related to me."

Or maybe just "Dads should be neither seen nor heard- they should just shell out, and then shut the f-- up and stay the f--- away and stop humiliating me by being so lame."

Someone out there with children- please, explain to me why this is funny, or how it could possibly encourage any parent to buy this stuff for their kids.  It's not like they are even learning how to play an instrument (that would be something.)  Please, help me out here- how does Buy This Technology So Your Kids Can Have Another Reason for thinking that you are a pathetic old geezer work as a marketing strategy?

Because I really don't get it.  Not at all.

Starvation is a beautiful thing?

This little stick figure spokeschoad for a nasty little product called "Slimful" helpfully explains to us idiots that "the secret to losing weight is simple: Eat Less, Lose Weight."  Gee, why didn't we think of that?

And how does one go about eating less?  Why, by using this product, of course.  I guess it fiddles with the brain's chemistry, conning it into thinking that one's stomach is full.  Not mentioned is the fact that generally, the brain tells us we are hungry when we are lacking basic nutrients, and tricking it into believing we don't need those nutrients doesn't translate into not actually needing them.  Our bodies still need calories and vitamins, regardless of whether we take some chemical that makes us think we don't.  Seems to me that taking Slimful is like painting over a rust spot or putting a piece of black tape over the Check Engine light.

So "eating less is a beautiful thing"-- if skinny, malnourished and anemic fits your definition of "beautiful."  If it is, then you fit my definition of "sick."

Here's a better idea ("better" meaning "good for your health, not just your twisted view of what surface beauty should look like.")  Listen to your body.  When it tells you "hey, I'm hungry," don't try to get it to shut up with chemicals.  Feed it with healthy food and plenty of water, and then help it digest and use the good stuff you just gave it by engaging in regular exercise.  Warning:  you'll never look like this sad, pale freak trying to sell you "Slimful."  But really, why would you want to?

It sure would be nice if these Get Thin Quick schemes would just wither and die on the vine for lack of customers, but we all know that's not going to happen.  Not in a culture which promotes "Less You" as an ideal, especially (if not exclusively) for women.  An anorexia epidemic is hardly my idea of a cure for the obesity epidemic, thanks very much anyway.

Zales Presents another "here's your yearly pay--err, I mean, Happy Mother's Day, Honey" commercial

Ugh, this has so much manipulative bs going on all at once, I hardly know where to start.

First, I wish Commercial Land would spare the Oh It's So Adorable When He Plays Me look on Mommy's face.  Enough with the concept that when Daddy picks up Baby, he's acting like Mommy, ok?  It's his kid too, dammit.  I am so damned sick of commercials which suggest that a guy who picks up his own child is deserving of a  Medal of Honor.

Second, the first point is accentuated by the "here's a bunch of rocks held together by a string, dear."  I get a very definite "Ok, I did the Dad thing, now take this bracelet as a token of my appreciation for the fact that this is a rare occurrence and that YOU are the one who gets up at 5 AM Ninety-Nine percent of the time to take care of YOUR kid."  And more adoring looks from Zombie Way Too Appreciative Wifey- "Oh honey, you picked up our child, AND you got me a bracelet from Zales!  On the same day!  And to think Mom didn't approve!"

Pardon me while I retch at the latest reminder that every Zales commercial runs on the assumption that there are women out there For Sale for the Right Rock.  I mean, I knew that already- I didn't need to be reminded.

A few polite questions for the DVR Genie

1.  Why would anyone want or need to "record up to five programs at the same time?"  I could be charitable and assume that there are some people out there who only enjoy watching five specific television shows, and because the universe is aligned against them, they are all scheduled to run at exactly the same time.  I could be, but I'm not going to be.  It's far more likely that if you enjoy watching five shows that are being broadcast at the same time, you are pretty much infatuated with everything that shows up on your idiot box, and feel an urgent need to watch all of it.  Or, at least, to record all of  it.  Which leads me to....

2.  Do the people who buy this service and who actually record several programs being broadcast at the same time ever actually WATCH any of these shows?  Because these commercials strongly suggest that it's All About the Recording.   Is it just a power thing?  You need this Genie doohicky because in order to justify your cable bill, you must have the power to record everything you can't watch while it's being broadcast?  I strongly suspect that this is the case, because....

3.  A lot of these commercials tackle the "problem" of "Full DVRs."  This REALLY boggles.  So some of you out there are recording and recording and recording (sadly, this is often referred to as "building libraries," because storing thousands of hours of mind-numbingly stupid television is EXACTLY the same as collecting, reading, and lovingly storing books) so much junk that you run out of DVR memory?  Do you just insist on keeping everything you record, even after you've watched it (assuming you ever get around to watching it, See #2?)

4.  Are there people out there who really find the inability to record endless television as horribly annoying as these vile bags of couch pus?  If so, is it ok if I dismiss such TV-addled techno-junkies as the lifeless, soulless freaks they are?

5.  As for the "this Genie is even greater than...." isn't it especially sad that the ridiculous image this guy conjures up is certainly a combination of Amazingly Cool Stuff He Saw Other People Do On Television, but will never, EVER have the chance to even attempt to simulate in real life, because that would involve GOING OUTSIDE?

Finally- if this DVR Genie thing is half as Cool and Awesome and Essential as it is sold on television, why are there still so damned many people in front of me at the cash register and on the thruway?  Shouldn't they all be home filling their bottomless DVRs with mindless junk that they won't be watching later?

It's a Beautiful Life,* especially when viewed from the bottom of a glass of 1800 Tequila

Yeah, that's pretty cool.  1800 Tequila just poured me a shot.

Here are other things that are pretty cool- in Military Time, 1800 was when I sat down at the bar last Friday and ordered my first shot of Tequila.  The empty ache inside was instantly numbed and replaced by a kind of sad despair which was still better because it didn't hurt quite as much.

By 1900, I was on my fourth shot, and the resentment and bitterness over that girl who simply will not call was replaced by a rather generic "f-- her, I wouldn't talk to her if she tried to contact me now anyway" conviction.  Fortified by a fifth shot.

And by twenty hundred hours, every single girl in the bar looks really good-- not too good for me, but good just the same.  Too bad I can't get off my stool to introduce myself, and too bad they won't come over and talk to me, but it's their loss.

And an hour or so later, when I'm vomiting into a trash can in the alley behind the bar, well, that's just the price you pay when you indulge in extra-classy tequila like this.  So is the awful hangover I have the next day.  The returning thoughts of that person I tried to forget for a few hours?  That's the reason I'll be back next Friday.

Sometimes it's easier than dealing with the pain. **   Me and the guy in this ad get it.

*Ace of Base

**Soul Asylum

"FREEEEDOMMMMM!"

I guess this is what happens to trucks when they are found guilty of high treason?

Seriously, what is the point of this stupid ad?  Nobody is going to do this to a truck, ever.  I simply can not imagine a situation in which I find myself in a truck hoping that it will stay together as it's being pulled by heavy chains attached to winches.  I also can't see myself handing my truck over to my mechanic for the fourth time in three years because yet another electronic doohicky has failed and thinking "well, at least I know it can withstand being picked up by heavy chains attached to winches.  That's certainly something."

So, guys?  If you want me to buy a truck (good luck with that.  Not likely) stop showing them pulling space shuttles or saving airplanes or flying down ski slopes.  Stop showing me how I could be throwing rusty engines into them before high-fiving my fellow weekend warrior male types while wearing greasy, dirty work gloves.  And stop trying to sell me on your trucks based on their ability to hold together while being pulled by winches.  Because this- this is just really stupid and pointless and has nothing to do with what's going on in my life.