Let's hope "Everything" includes giant bottles of Tylenol

Here's another "rather than write a script, let's just treat the audience like hard-to-convince children by repeating the same word over and over again, never mind that it will make it hate our store" commercial, this one brought to us by our favorite purveyor of paper, pens, pencils and printer ink.

If you aren't tossing something at the screen, or at least jamming your finger into the Mute button, by the third time some Please Die Right Now dickwad is bleating "Everything," take a good look in the mirror and check to see if you are the YouTube commentator who "laughs at the water cooler part every time."

For the rest of us- hey, Staples?  We get it.  Now, STFU with these brain-dead crimes against humanity disguised as advertisements.  Oh, and BTW- I bet that I walk into a Staples tomorrow and within two minutes find something not included in this offer.  Because I've been a patron of American Big Box stores long enough to know that "Everything" always means "Everything except these things."

Always? Yes, Always.  Always.

They wanted the highway, they're happier there today. And for all Xfinity.

Two weeks ago, the people in this ad- all of whom seem to be related somehow (they do appear to be living in the same house, after all) found out that Xfinity had put a deadline on their great Double Play Deal.  Staring down the possibility of losing out on the opportunity to have unlimited access to online streaming, texting etc. etc. etc.-- not to mention unlimited excuses to never, ever talk to each other again- no one had to tell these people to Run, Don't Walk to their nearest phone (it was in their pockets) to call Xfinity and sign up.

Two weeks later, here are these people connected only by similar DNA and an address, sitting around the rooms where they used to share stories and jokes and concerns and fears and anxieties, and maybe a board game or movie now and then.  Once they used this space to talk about their days over breakfast and dinner, plan for the upcoming weekend, or drop hints about desired Christmas or Birthday presents.  Man, was all that ever lame.

Because now, the Sort-of-Humanoid lifeforms huddled in this suburban dwelling can ditch all that non-electronic-connectivity crap and stare at their own personal screens (why is there a big-screen tv on in the background?  Who is watching it?  Is it on only because this "family" feels the need to suck as much energy out of the grid as humanly possible?)  Dad, not finding enough isolation in his tablet, has taken to the attic.  Can't say I blame him.

One day I woke up and was living on a planet where every single person is celebrating the wonderful new technology which makes it possible to ignore people right next to you- not only impossible, but socially acceptable.  And this doesn't go just for strangers you'd rather not talk to at the airport.  Preferring your glowing idiot screen to family members is just a given now, a state we should be striving for with ever-increasing "connectivity" and broadband capabilities which allow us to run more and more devices at the same time so even if we turn away for a moment, we really don't.   Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister?  Been there, Done that.  Check out this game.  Friends?  Prefer the Facebook Variety.  After all, they Like you and let you know it.  And they don't hog the broadband, like these weird three-dimensional flesh-colored things hanging around your house.  They are all you'll ever need, trust me.

At 16 seconds, this ad for Dunkin Donuts seems too long

Once you get past the idea that this guy walked right into a clothing store with an overflowing smoothie from Dunkin Donuts-- which must be right next door, considering it looks like it hasn't been touched- there really isn't a whole lot here, is there?

Yes, the guy said "Berry Cool."  So?  Now what?

Wait....that was the punchline?  No way.  Surely this ad was edited down from the original 31 seconds.  The punchline was left on the cutting room floor, and all we have to do is wait for the Director's Cut. Right, Dunkin Donuts?  Because no way you paid for someone to produce THIS.  Not everyone's favorite Coffee-and Donuts-and Once Upon a Time Free Donut Holes for the Kids.  Not the company which had the wisdom to hire They Might Be Giants  to pen a jingle a few years back.  No WAY that same company turns around and hands money to an ad team which then creates a commercial featuring the line "Berry Cool" and which then suggests that Hilarity Will Ensue because Girl is about to turn on Guy for being inattentive to her choice of dress.  Not a chance.

So- when do we get to see the Director's Cut?

An alternative to the whole "Get a Job" or "Marry a rich guy to take care of you" strategies

So if you need money, DON'T try to get it by sitting in a diner drinking coffee and nursing a donut all day.  That method doesn't work- and why would you even attempt it, if you've got a CAR?

A car is a veritable cash machine, it turns out.  Bring it to these nice people at CashPoint, show them your car title, and they'll react by giving you a big fan of money to cool yourself with.  CashPoint REALLY likes to look at car titles!

Wait- if you don't give the cash back, including interest rates you thought were banned in the 19th century or the exclusive, trademarked property of the Mob, they'll take your car??  Well heck, this doesn't seem like such a great deal after all....

Wait a minute- is that diner walking distance from my apartment?

Ah yes, the Magic of Magnets and Velcro. Who could question it?

HHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

(Pauses to catch breath)

HAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAAHAAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA..

(Ok, sorry.  I'm ready now.)

This is another chapter in the never-ending late night tv show which might as well be called Why didn't I think of this and make a million dollars?  I mean, really.  Two dollars worth of cheap mesh, eighteen cheap magnets, and a few inches of Velcro, and suddenly I'm a RETIRED teacher sleeping in every morning and strolling museums and taking fabulous vacations instead of trying to talk over inattentive 9th graders and grading homework.

What gets me about this is not the brilliantly simple mesh curtain idea.  It's that the ad comes very close to letting us know "look, this is junk, but it will work for a while, and don't you think that even if  'a while' means a month or so, it might be worth giving it a try at this price?"  Unlike most ads for Miracle Stuff You Never Knew You Needed Until This Moment, Magic Mesh doesn't claim to be a Miracle Product (just Magic, which is not the same thing.)  It doesn't exaggerate the Miracle Properties of Magnets- we know how they work, and there they are, working exactly as expected.  It doesn't claim that Magic Indestructible Fasteners hold it in place- nope, we are TOLD it's just Velcro, and everyone under the age of fifty has a pretty good idea how well and for how long Velcro holds things in place.  Anyone with half a brain looks at these dumb animals and dogs going in and out of houses and realizes that Magic Mesh stuff is probably going to be falling down every few hours at most.  And that it won't always click shut properly- at least once in this very ad, we see the curtain fail to close completely behind someone.

But maybe, just maybe, this thing is better than having your dog scratch wildly at the patio door (you could actually train your dog not to do that, but it takes a bit more effort, and another Late Night TV Product.)  Maybe it is better than opening the door and letting the killer insects who were mysteriously waiting to ambush you into your house, where they would probably instantly kill you and your entire family.  Even if it is made out of junk and will never actually need storing, because you'll be using the Second Magic Screen Free Pay Only Extra Processing and Handling before the 4th of July weekend.

At least, it's worth thinking about.  I just wonder- does it really make that much noise when it closes?  Or was this ad made by the same people who give us those horrible Kit Kat commercials?

Dad's an unwelcome, uncool intruder, Part 56,986

Kids who apparently do not have functioning legs or any concept of posture lie splayed all over the furniture Daddy provided, in the house Daddy provided, playing on electronics Daddy provided.

Naturally, when Daddy tries to join in, Kids who depend completely on Daddy for food, clothing, shelter and the f--ing electronics in their hands react by shooting daggers at Dad which basically translate into "that's it, I want a DNA test done, there's no way you are related to me."

Or maybe just "Dads should be neither seen nor heard- they should just shell out, and then shut the f-- up and stay the f--- away and stop humiliating me by being so lame."

Someone out there with children- please, explain to me why this is funny, or how it could possibly encourage any parent to buy this stuff for their kids.  It's not like they are even learning how to play an instrument (that would be something.)  Please, help me out here- how does Buy This Technology So Your Kids Can Have Another Reason for thinking that you are a pathetic old geezer work as a marketing strategy?

Because I really don't get it.  Not at all.

Starvation is a beautiful thing?

This little stick figure spokeschoad for a nasty little product called "Slimful" helpfully explains to us idiots that "the secret to losing weight is simple: Eat Less, Lose Weight."  Gee, why didn't we think of that?

And how does one go about eating less?  Why, by using this product, of course.  I guess it fiddles with the brain's chemistry, conning it into thinking that one's stomach is full.  Not mentioned is the fact that generally, the brain tells us we are hungry when we are lacking basic nutrients, and tricking it into believing we don't need those nutrients doesn't translate into not actually needing them.  Our bodies still need calories and vitamins, regardless of whether we take some chemical that makes us think we don't.  Seems to me that taking Slimful is like painting over a rust spot or putting a piece of black tape over the Check Engine light.

So "eating less is a beautiful thing"-- if skinny, malnourished and anemic fits your definition of "beautiful."  If it is, then you fit my definition of "sick."

Here's a better idea ("better" meaning "good for your health, not just your twisted view of what surface beauty should look like.")  Listen to your body.  When it tells you "hey, I'm hungry," don't try to get it to shut up with chemicals.  Feed it with healthy food and plenty of water, and then help it digest and use the good stuff you just gave it by engaging in regular exercise.  Warning:  you'll never look like this sad, pale freak trying to sell you "Slimful."  But really, why would you want to?

It sure would be nice if these Get Thin Quick schemes would just wither and die on the vine for lack of customers, but we all know that's not going to happen.  Not in a culture which promotes "Less You" as an ideal, especially (if not exclusively) for women.  An anorexia epidemic is hardly my idea of a cure for the obesity epidemic, thanks very much anyway.