Very sad, thoroughly exasperating Avon commercial

Perhaps the most common theme in American tv commercials is the "men are disgusting, clueless pigs who don't deserve the long-suffering women who make their lives worth living" theme.  We see it presented over and over in commercials for beer, cell phones, cable and satellite systems, etc. etc. etc.  Being a guy who in no way resembles the awful cliche'd parodies of men portrayed in these ads, they rarely fail to irritate the hell out of me.

This Avon commercial is very different.  It manages to make me truly angry at the main character's husband. It convinces me that he's an emotionally distant, abusive jerkwad who- yes- does not deserve this beautiful, sad woman he's been with for ten years-- and he's not even in the ad.   How does Avon manage to pull this off?

Well, we are told by this woman's Avon representative that she's "never worn my lipstick....because she never felt she was pretty enough for it."  We are also told that this woman (who looks just fine to me, by the way) couldn't look her Avon representative "in the eye-she wouldn't look up."  She's got some serious image problems here, and I really feel for her.  I'm rooting for the Avon lady to pick this woman up off the mat and give her a reason to believe in herself....

And then comes the horrible punchline.  We are told that this woman is about to "celebrate" (using that term very loosely) her tenth anniversary.  So here's what we now know about this customer:

She does not think she's pretty enough to wear nice lipstick.
She is not confident enough to look into the eyes of her Avon Representative.
She has been married for ten years.

Now, I'm not one to argue that a woman's self-worth is totally wrapped up in her husband.  But if this very nice-looking woman has been married for ten years and does not think that she is the sexiest, most beautiful, most incredibly desirable woman on the planet, her husband is the biggest fail in the history of human relationships. I don't need any more back story.  I don't care if this woman has suffered emotional problems in the past.  If after ten years of marriage this woman thinks she's not pretty enough to wear nice lipstick, it almost certainly means that the dickwad she's attached to likes her insecure personality because it keeps her chained to his side (and in his house.)  Because there are two rules to every man's relationship with his wife:

1.  All men believe they are married to the most beautiful woman in the world
2.  Not all men let their wives know this, because they are not certain that she feels as lucky as he does.  These men are called insecure, selfish, frightened little boys, and can generally be found "gently" reminding their wives that hey, lady, you are lucky to have me because you might not realize it, but you are really damaged and I could have done much better.  You, on the other hand, would be alone if it weren't for me and my charitable attitude toward taking in damaged people.

Maybe I'm reading way too much into this very short Avon ad, but I don't think I am.  This woman's husband doesn't have to make an appearance.  He's the worst person in the world.  And she ought to celebrate her anniversary by running off with the Avon lady.  They could go dancing.

Let's hope "Everything" includes giant bottles of Tylenol

Here's another "rather than write a script, let's just treat the audience like hard-to-convince children by repeating the same word over and over again, never mind that it will make it hate our store" commercial, this one brought to us by our favorite purveyor of paper, pens, pencils and printer ink.

If you aren't tossing something at the screen, or at least jamming your finger into the Mute button, by the third time some Please Die Right Now dickwad is bleating "Everything," take a good look in the mirror and check to see if you are the YouTube commentator who "laughs at the water cooler part every time."

For the rest of us- hey, Staples?  We get it.  Now, STFU with these brain-dead crimes against humanity disguised as advertisements.  Oh, and BTW- I bet that I walk into a Staples tomorrow and within two minutes find something not included in this offer.  Because I've been a patron of American Big Box stores long enough to know that "Everything" always means "Everything except these things."

Always? Yes, Always.  Always.

They wanted the highway, they're happier there today. And for all Xfinity.

Two weeks ago, the people in this ad- all of whom seem to be related somehow (they do appear to be living in the same house, after all) found out that Xfinity had put a deadline on their great Double Play Deal.  Staring down the possibility of losing out on the opportunity to have unlimited access to online streaming, texting etc. etc. etc.-- not to mention unlimited excuses to never, ever talk to each other again- no one had to tell these people to Run, Don't Walk to their nearest phone (it was in their pockets) to call Xfinity and sign up.

Two weeks later, here are these people connected only by similar DNA and an address, sitting around the rooms where they used to share stories and jokes and concerns and fears and anxieties, and maybe a board game or movie now and then.  Once they used this space to talk about their days over breakfast and dinner, plan for the upcoming weekend, or drop hints about desired Christmas or Birthday presents.  Man, was all that ever lame.

Because now, the Sort-of-Humanoid lifeforms huddled in this suburban dwelling can ditch all that non-electronic-connectivity crap and stare at their own personal screens (why is there a big-screen tv on in the background?  Who is watching it?  Is it on only because this "family" feels the need to suck as much energy out of the grid as humanly possible?)  Dad, not finding enough isolation in his tablet, has taken to the attic.  Can't say I blame him.

One day I woke up and was living on a planet where every single person is celebrating the wonderful new technology which makes it possible to ignore people right next to you- not only impossible, but socially acceptable.  And this doesn't go just for strangers you'd rather not talk to at the airport.  Preferring your glowing idiot screen to family members is just a given now, a state we should be striving for with ever-increasing "connectivity" and broadband capabilities which allow us to run more and more devices at the same time so even if we turn away for a moment, we really don't.   Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister?  Been there, Done that.  Check out this game.  Friends?  Prefer the Facebook Variety.  After all, they Like you and let you know it.  And they don't hog the broadband, like these weird three-dimensional flesh-colored things hanging around your house.  They are all you'll ever need, trust me.

At 16 seconds, this ad for Dunkin Donuts seems too long

Once you get past the idea that this guy walked right into a clothing store with an overflowing smoothie from Dunkin Donuts-- which must be right next door, considering it looks like it hasn't been touched- there really isn't a whole lot here, is there?

Yes, the guy said "Berry Cool."  So?  Now what?

Wait....that was the punchline?  No way.  Surely this ad was edited down from the original 31 seconds.  The punchline was left on the cutting room floor, and all we have to do is wait for the Director's Cut. Right, Dunkin Donuts?  Because no way you paid for someone to produce THIS.  Not everyone's favorite Coffee-and Donuts-and Once Upon a Time Free Donut Holes for the Kids.  Not the company which had the wisdom to hire They Might Be Giants  to pen a jingle a few years back.  No WAY that same company turns around and hands money to an ad team which then creates a commercial featuring the line "Berry Cool" and which then suggests that Hilarity Will Ensue because Girl is about to turn on Guy for being inattentive to her choice of dress.  Not a chance.

So- when do we get to see the Director's Cut?

An alternative to the whole "Get a Job" or "Marry a rich guy to take care of you" strategies

So if you need money, DON'T try to get it by sitting in a diner drinking coffee and nursing a donut all day.  That method doesn't work- and why would you even attempt it, if you've got a CAR?

A car is a veritable cash machine, it turns out.  Bring it to these nice people at CashPoint, show them your car title, and they'll react by giving you a big fan of money to cool yourself with.  CashPoint REALLY likes to look at car titles!

Wait- if you don't give the cash back, including interest rates you thought were banned in the 19th century or the exclusive, trademarked property of the Mob, they'll take your car??  Well heck, this doesn't seem like such a great deal after all....

Wait a minute- is that diner walking distance from my apartment?

Ah yes, the Magic of Magnets and Velcro. Who could question it?

HHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

(Pauses to catch breath)

HAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAAHAAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA..

(Ok, sorry.  I'm ready now.)

This is another chapter in the never-ending late night tv show which might as well be called Why didn't I think of this and make a million dollars?  I mean, really.  Two dollars worth of cheap mesh, eighteen cheap magnets, and a few inches of Velcro, and suddenly I'm a RETIRED teacher sleeping in every morning and strolling museums and taking fabulous vacations instead of trying to talk over inattentive 9th graders and grading homework.

What gets me about this is not the brilliantly simple mesh curtain idea.  It's that the ad comes very close to letting us know "look, this is junk, but it will work for a while, and don't you think that even if  'a while' means a month or so, it might be worth giving it a try at this price?"  Unlike most ads for Miracle Stuff You Never Knew You Needed Until This Moment, Magic Mesh doesn't claim to be a Miracle Product (just Magic, which is not the same thing.)  It doesn't exaggerate the Miracle Properties of Magnets- we know how they work, and there they are, working exactly as expected.  It doesn't claim that Magic Indestructible Fasteners hold it in place- nope, we are TOLD it's just Velcro, and everyone under the age of fifty has a pretty good idea how well and for how long Velcro holds things in place.  Anyone with half a brain looks at these dumb animals and dogs going in and out of houses and realizes that Magic Mesh stuff is probably going to be falling down every few hours at most.  And that it won't always click shut properly- at least once in this very ad, we see the curtain fail to close completely behind someone.

But maybe, just maybe, this thing is better than having your dog scratch wildly at the patio door (you could actually train your dog not to do that, but it takes a bit more effort, and another Late Night TV Product.)  Maybe it is better than opening the door and letting the killer insects who were mysteriously waiting to ambush you into your house, where they would probably instantly kill you and your entire family.  Even if it is made out of junk and will never actually need storing, because you'll be using the Second Magic Screen Free Pay Only Extra Processing and Handling before the 4th of July weekend.

At least, it's worth thinking about.  I just wonder- does it really make that much noise when it closes?  Or was this ad made by the same people who give us those horrible Kit Kat commercials?

Dad's an unwelcome, uncool intruder, Part 56,986

Kids who apparently do not have functioning legs or any concept of posture lie splayed all over the furniture Daddy provided, in the house Daddy provided, playing on electronics Daddy provided.

Naturally, when Daddy tries to join in, Kids who depend completely on Daddy for food, clothing, shelter and the f--ing electronics in their hands react by shooting daggers at Dad which basically translate into "that's it, I want a DNA test done, there's no way you are related to me."

Or maybe just "Dads should be neither seen nor heard- they should just shell out, and then shut the f-- up and stay the f--- away and stop humiliating me by being so lame."

Someone out there with children- please, explain to me why this is funny, or how it could possibly encourage any parent to buy this stuff for their kids.  It's not like they are even learning how to play an instrument (that would be something.)  Please, help me out here- how does Buy This Technology So Your Kids Can Have Another Reason for thinking that you are a pathetic old geezer work as a marketing strategy?

Because I really don't get it.  Not at all.