Typical Frying-Pan-to-the-Face-Stupid from Chevy

"OMIGOD we ran all the way here the moment we learned about the sale we didn't even stop to use the bathroom we were so scared you were going to run out of overpriced shiny trucks before we got here please tell me you have one left because we ran over three small animals running red lights to get here and I wet my pants and here's my checkbook please please please tell me you have one more left who do I make the check out to here honey you fill it out I need to use the restroom!"

On television, the easiest job in the world is that of the car salesman.  Because on television, there is no such thing as a "potential customer"- just a crowd of drooling, desperate idiots who think that they are in some considerably less entertaining version of the Hunger Games, competing against all the other drooling, desperate idiots in the mad pursuit of an internal combustion engine wrapped in a pretty fiberglass and steel package.  I seriously don't know why Chevy even bothers to HIRE salespeople, when all they really need is to build gigantic vending machines capable of holding their cars and trucks.  I guess it's because in real life, some of us don't rush into car dealerships acting as if our hearts will explode in three minutes if we aren't behind the wheel of a new auto by that time, driving off several thousand dollars lighter in the wallet and with four years of monthly payments to look forward to.   It looks so much more fun on TV, doesn't it?

My life would be so much easier if I could stand being with you, so I am going to pray for that

Not to be overly judgmental, but....oh, what the hell....

What do the lyrics "I want to fall in love with you" mean in the context of commercials for Christian Mingle?  Well, what else CAN they mean other than "you are here, you are a fellow Christian, I'm desperate, so I really really pray that after a few dates I realize that I can tolerate being with you because like I said, I'm desperate, you are here, you are a fellow Christian, and I'm sick to death of being single."

Really, what other translation IS there?  Nobody in their right mind WANTS to fall in love with anyone unless doing so would be incredibly convenient.  Like "my parents really like you and you've got money" or "you really dig me, and nobody else does."  Or "you are willing to squire me around and spend money on me."  Or "you are the father of my children and the provider of pretty much all of my financial security."  Or "I am trapped with you on a deserted island with no hope of rescue, and I can see it would suck a lot less if I was attracted to you."  In each of these cases, "I want to fall in love with you" makes perfect sense.

But in EACH case, it just really smacks of desperation to achieve the Socially Expected End Game: get married, have kids, change diapers, clean the house, cook the dinners, pay the mortgage, get old, marry off your kids to other Socially Acceptable People, get older, move to Florida, die.  Like salmon struggling like mad to get upstream to spawn, few question the value of the Goal.  Indeed, the value of the goal is Not to Be Questioned.  It just Is.

And the next generation of Christians (or whoever) is on it's way.  Mission Accomplished.  Joy.

Very sad, thoroughly exasperating Avon commercial

Perhaps the most common theme in American tv commercials is the "men are disgusting, clueless pigs who don't deserve the long-suffering women who make their lives worth living" theme.  We see it presented over and over in commercials for beer, cell phones, cable and satellite systems, etc. etc. etc.  Being a guy who in no way resembles the awful cliche'd parodies of men portrayed in these ads, they rarely fail to irritate the hell out of me.

This Avon commercial is very different.  It manages to make me truly angry at the main character's husband. It convinces me that he's an emotionally distant, abusive jerkwad who- yes- does not deserve this beautiful, sad woman he's been with for ten years-- and he's not even in the ad.   How does Avon manage to pull this off?

Well, we are told by this woman's Avon representative that she's "never worn my lipstick....because she never felt she was pretty enough for it."  We are also told that this woman (who looks just fine to me, by the way) couldn't look her Avon representative "in the eye-she wouldn't look up."  She's got some serious image problems here, and I really feel for her.  I'm rooting for the Avon lady to pick this woman up off the mat and give her a reason to believe in herself....

And then comes the horrible punchline.  We are told that this woman is about to "celebrate" (using that term very loosely) her tenth anniversary.  So here's what we now know about this customer:

She does not think she's pretty enough to wear nice lipstick.
She is not confident enough to look into the eyes of her Avon Representative.
She has been married for ten years.

Now, I'm not one to argue that a woman's self-worth is totally wrapped up in her husband.  But if this very nice-looking woman has been married for ten years and does not think that she is the sexiest, most beautiful, most incredibly desirable woman on the planet, her husband is the biggest fail in the history of human relationships. I don't need any more back story.  I don't care if this woman has suffered emotional problems in the past.  If after ten years of marriage this woman thinks she's not pretty enough to wear nice lipstick, it almost certainly means that the dickwad she's attached to likes her insecure personality because it keeps her chained to his side (and in his house.)  Because there are two rules to every man's relationship with his wife:

1.  All men believe they are married to the most beautiful woman in the world
2.  Not all men let their wives know this, because they are not certain that she feels as lucky as he does.  These men are called insecure, selfish, frightened little boys, and can generally be found "gently" reminding their wives that hey, lady, you are lucky to have me because you might not realize it, but you are really damaged and I could have done much better.  You, on the other hand, would be alone if it weren't for me and my charitable attitude toward taking in damaged people.

Maybe I'm reading way too much into this very short Avon ad, but I don't think I am.  This woman's husband doesn't have to make an appearance.  He's the worst person in the world.  And she ought to celebrate her anniversary by running off with the Avon lady.  They could go dancing.

Let's hope "Everything" includes giant bottles of Tylenol

Here's another "rather than write a script, let's just treat the audience like hard-to-convince children by repeating the same word over and over again, never mind that it will make it hate our store" commercial, this one brought to us by our favorite purveyor of paper, pens, pencils and printer ink.

If you aren't tossing something at the screen, or at least jamming your finger into the Mute button, by the third time some Please Die Right Now dickwad is bleating "Everything," take a good look in the mirror and check to see if you are the YouTube commentator who "laughs at the water cooler part every time."

For the rest of us- hey, Staples?  We get it.  Now, STFU with these brain-dead crimes against humanity disguised as advertisements.  Oh, and BTW- I bet that I walk into a Staples tomorrow and within two minutes find something not included in this offer.  Because I've been a patron of American Big Box stores long enough to know that "Everything" always means "Everything except these things."

Always? Yes, Always.  Always.

They wanted the highway, they're happier there today. And for all Xfinity.

Two weeks ago, the people in this ad- all of whom seem to be related somehow (they do appear to be living in the same house, after all) found out that Xfinity had put a deadline on their great Double Play Deal.  Staring down the possibility of losing out on the opportunity to have unlimited access to online streaming, texting etc. etc. etc.-- not to mention unlimited excuses to never, ever talk to each other again- no one had to tell these people to Run, Don't Walk to their nearest phone (it was in their pockets) to call Xfinity and sign up.

Two weeks later, here are these people connected only by similar DNA and an address, sitting around the rooms where they used to share stories and jokes and concerns and fears and anxieties, and maybe a board game or movie now and then.  Once they used this space to talk about their days over breakfast and dinner, plan for the upcoming weekend, or drop hints about desired Christmas or Birthday presents.  Man, was all that ever lame.

Because now, the Sort-of-Humanoid lifeforms huddled in this suburban dwelling can ditch all that non-electronic-connectivity crap and stare at their own personal screens (why is there a big-screen tv on in the background?  Who is watching it?  Is it on only because this "family" feels the need to suck as much energy out of the grid as humanly possible?)  Dad, not finding enough isolation in his tablet, has taken to the attic.  Can't say I blame him.

One day I woke up and was living on a planet where every single person is celebrating the wonderful new technology which makes it possible to ignore people right next to you- not only impossible, but socially acceptable.  And this doesn't go just for strangers you'd rather not talk to at the airport.  Preferring your glowing idiot screen to family members is just a given now, a state we should be striving for with ever-increasing "connectivity" and broadband capabilities which allow us to run more and more devices at the same time so even if we turn away for a moment, we really don't.   Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister?  Been there, Done that.  Check out this game.  Friends?  Prefer the Facebook Variety.  After all, they Like you and let you know it.  And they don't hog the broadband, like these weird three-dimensional flesh-colored things hanging around your house.  They are all you'll ever need, trust me.

At 16 seconds, this ad for Dunkin Donuts seems too long

Once you get past the idea that this guy walked right into a clothing store with an overflowing smoothie from Dunkin Donuts-- which must be right next door, considering it looks like it hasn't been touched- there really isn't a whole lot here, is there?

Yes, the guy said "Berry Cool."  So?  Now what?

Wait....that was the punchline?  No way.  Surely this ad was edited down from the original 31 seconds.  The punchline was left on the cutting room floor, and all we have to do is wait for the Director's Cut. Right, Dunkin Donuts?  Because no way you paid for someone to produce THIS.  Not everyone's favorite Coffee-and Donuts-and Once Upon a Time Free Donut Holes for the Kids.  Not the company which had the wisdom to hire They Might Be Giants  to pen a jingle a few years back.  No WAY that same company turns around and hands money to an ad team which then creates a commercial featuring the line "Berry Cool" and which then suggests that Hilarity Will Ensue because Girl is about to turn on Guy for being inattentive to her choice of dress.  Not a chance.

So- when do we get to see the Director's Cut?

An alternative to the whole "Get a Job" or "Marry a rich guy to take care of you" strategies

So if you need money, DON'T try to get it by sitting in a diner drinking coffee and nursing a donut all day.  That method doesn't work- and why would you even attempt it, if you've got a CAR?

A car is a veritable cash machine, it turns out.  Bring it to these nice people at CashPoint, show them your car title, and they'll react by giving you a big fan of money to cool yourself with.  CashPoint REALLY likes to look at car titles!

Wait- if you don't give the cash back, including interest rates you thought were banned in the 19th century or the exclusive, trademarked property of the Mob, they'll take your car??  Well heck, this doesn't seem like such a great deal after all....

Wait a minute- is that diner walking distance from my apartment?