Visa Presents another "let the world know you use our card a LOT with a stupid, showy reward" commercial

While I admit that strength training with Patrick Willis would be pretty cool, and there's no doubt in my mind that the guy in this ad would benefit a lot more from strength training with ANYBODY than "luxury car service," I can't help but think after watching this ad that in real life

A)  Patrick Willis couldn't give a flying damn that some total stranger doesn't want to take on a program of strength training with him- in fact, he would probably think it quite a burden to have this stupid fat slob asking for a spot, and besides

B)  This guy would be mentally begging Patrick Willis to take a swing at him as he's standing on his own damn lawn, so he can call his lawyer and get Willis to settle out of court for a nice sum of money- hey, maybe even enough to buy a gym membership and a few sessions with a strength trainer who DOESN'T play for the NFL.

Am I wrong, just being a bit too cynical, or what?

"My kids are going to be revolting little mess makers again, the darlings- better get some more Bounty!"

Someday, someone will make a commercial which convinces me that I really missed out by never having kids.

That commercial will NOT feature a zombie MommyWife who remembers that she has a nest of out of control spawn at home waiting to throw food against windows (seriously- she imagines this happening, and I can only assume that she's seen this before in real life and fully expects to see it again) and doing all kinds of stupid, disgusting things which make messes because after all Kids Will Be Kids, which in TV land means Kids Will Be Assholes Who Have Not Been Taught To Behave, but only that Mommy Will Be There With Bounty Paper Towels to Clean Up After Them.

In other words, this commercial does not bring me even a tiny little baby step toward regretting having any of these noisy, nasty little urchins.   Back to the drawing board, Bounty.

*I didn't pick up at first that in this case, the purchase of paper towels is triggered by the announcement that MommyWife's inlaws are "bringing the twins."  First- I can't even begin to describe how much I loathe the term "The Twins."  Twins are individual humans who happen to be born of the same mother a short time apart.  They are given names and are generally expected to grow up to be separate, unique human beings.  "The Twins" makes them sound like they are conjoined, one Unit which must always be taken as one Unit.  That's lazy, obnoxious and just plain bullshit, ok?

Second, it's strongly implied here that Doofus Dad expected his brother to show up- but not bring his kids?  What were they supposed to do- was it assumed that The Twins would be staying with brother's wife?  Why does it come as a surprise that brother is bringing The Twins?  Was it assumed that brother wanted to get away from the little monsters for an afternoon?

Third, "my brother is bringing the twins" sets off a momentary panic, because both Doofus Dad and MommyWife know that this means horrible behavior and lots of mess.  to be dealt with by packing in extra paper towels (and, presumably, a few bottles of Tide and Shout.)   Here's a better idea- call Doofus Dad's brother and let him know that his untrained dickweed little demons aren't welcome at your house, and that stands as long as he refuses to do a little parenting.  Seems pretty damned simple to me.

Well, look at that.  I managed to more than double the size of this post.  Sometimes rants are good things.

Neuroplasticity?

I'm sure I'm being overly cynical here, but I can't help wondering if the people who visit Lumosity to engage in Brain Training through the Science of Neuroplasticity aren't all going to end up drinking fruity liquid out of the same cauldron in some South American jungle a few years down the road.

I mean, am I the only person out there who thinks this has "cult" written all over it?  There's no suggestion in these ads that anything is being sold.  Just train your brain at Lumosity.com, for "free."  Well, sorry, but I'm way too bitter and suspicious to believe that ANYTHING is offered for "free."  So what's the price? Subliminal "buy this from companies sponsoring this site" messages implanted in your brain, courtesy the Science of Neuroplasticity?

And BTW, the look this woman gives us at the end, while cartoon lines seem to sprout out of her head-- yeah, this really makes me want to try this out, Lumosity.  Anyone up for 23andMe?

Aquafresh's depressing look at "real people"

The really sad thing is, I totally believe that these ARE real people who decided to sell what little dignity they possessed for a few seconds of screen time on a toothpaste commercial.

So they mug and froth and giggle for the camera like a bunch of developmentally-arrested sixth graders being handed five dollars by their grandparents for every minute they continue to "act cute."  They tell us how much they enjoy this toothpaste stuff while it collects around their mouths and dribbles down their chins.  It's really stupid and gross and intensely dumb and something that only real people could pull off convincingly.

So congratulations, Aquafresh, for taking advantage of very sad but oh so very real people who don't care what they have to do to get on television, and never mind that this kind of ad only shows up in the middle of Comedy Central movies nobody really wants to watch anyway.  Could you do me a favor and go back to hiring actors now?  Because this is so pathetic, it hurts my soul.

Mission Accomplished. Continue to aim high, sister!

Just imagine- if this woman hadn't traded her soul for a big house and popped out these kids, those backpacks would just be sitting there on the floor.  And who would be spreading the Nutella?

My guess is- Nobody. And what a tragedy that would be.  So let's not build a flux capacitor, go back ten years, and suggest to this woman that there might just be something in life worth a bit more than spreading nut and cocoa cream on toast in order to get children to the breakfast table.  I mean, just imagine the tear in the space-time continuum that would create.

The Nutella jar would just sit there, unopened.  The kids would keep playing, and those backpacks would just stay on the floor.  Oh, the humanity.  Thank G-d we can't go back in time, because it would be really awful to mess up all this, wouldn't it?

Believe it or not, this is not a commercial for World War Z

...although it does include a conversation between two people who are clearly dead, and have been for quite some time.

I mean, just look at this:  Wife mutters "that's just brilliant" in a carefully measured, emotionless monotone.   Husband, who seems genuinely surprised to hear words come out of the corpse he's married to, gives a sort-of, "yes, I'm acknowledging you just spoke" response.

Somehow, this turns into a "let's compare these two things with two other things, because about five years ago we both ran out of things to say to each other, but weren't willing to admit that we made a bad choice and rushed into a cold, distant marriage of convenience.  Let's take this opportunity to have a something that bears some resemblance to a conversation, even if it lasts only a few seconds, because it would be kind of fun to at least PRETEND not to be among the walking dead."

As usual (for commercials,) both of these zombies manage to pull up the same mental image.  This isn't a gift shared only by the Undead.  All couples in tv advertisements have it.  It's supposed to make sense to us, The Living.  It doesn't (judging from the YouTube comments, a lot of walking corpses enjoy surfing the web for ad clips and then commenting on them- and they have terrible taste.)

My guess is that if this couple doesn't proceed to feasting on brains within a few minutes, and are in fact actual, living, breathing people, they'll relapse into silence for several more hours until one of them finds something else to be impressed by, leading to another 8-second conversation that keeps life bearable for a few moments.  Maybe they'll note the "brilliance" of the Kiss and Ride, one of them mentioning that hey, that's a lot better than a Kiss OR Ride, for some reason.  Then they'll both die just a little more.

That is, unless they really are already dead.  It's hard to tell.

Umm...what's for sale here again?

Snap.  Click.  Dance, dance, dance.

Check out the glossy surface.  Ease of use.  Portability.  Clickability.  Never mind all that- check out the awesomely choreographed dance moves.

Now go out and buy this flimsy piece of junk.  Because it's cool, and that credit card is burning a hole in your pocket.  You can pay for it later, and meanwhile think how well you'll show for your friends.

It was official a long time ago, but this just another piece of evidence pointing to the conclusion that Americans Are The Biggest, Most Gullible Morons on the Planet.  We never stop acting like kittens being teased by laser pointers.  What's that?  It's shiny!  OMIGOD it looks so cool!  Where do I get one? Best Buy?  On my way!

And what's the first thing I'm going to do when I get it home?  Tell all my Facebook Friends about it.  I bet they all Like it.  Second thing? Figure out what the f--k this is.

(BTW, anyone want to contest my theory that about a hundred times more thought went into making this commercial than in designing this...whatever it is?)