"Signed, Bored Moron Loser with a Stamp"

Dear Chex,

I've never written a fan letter before, but LOL am I ever a fan of your amazing Family of Cereals!  You really have something for everyone- I've always been a big fan of Rice Chex, and the Twins are just crazy for Corn Chex and Wheat Chex (I thought you had to be at least seventy to like Wheat Chex, boy was I wrong. ) You learn something new every day (YOU do- I sure don't!)

And when my husband Tom learned about Chocolate Chex, well, we were in Chocolate Heaven!

Anyway, as you can probably guess from this letter, I've been dead for quite some time now!  I used to get really good grades in school, and for a while I imagined I'd go to college and establish a career and maybe do something important and unique in my life.  But one day I met a guy who could put me in a house and buy me stuff and get me pregnant every few years, and he made it sound so easy, so I just said Fuck It, took the ring and moved in. Then I died, but that doesn't stop me from pouring the milk on your awesome cereal LOL!

Several children later, I'm writing Fan Letters to a Cereal Company!  I'd call that a Miracle, wouldn't you? Please?

Anyway, Tom is off to work, the kids are off to school, and I'm off to find where I put that bleach bucket LOL!  Just thought I'd let you know how much we, the Macgregor Family, enjoy Chex!  We really, really do you know!

Signed, Mrs. Tom Macgregor of the Macgregor Family ( I can't even remember by maiden name LOL!)

Anytown, USA

The Next Big thing is The Same Old Joke

Sigh.  Here we go again.....

This has to be Episode #47,000,000 or so in the Adventures of Doofus Daddy and his Hilarious Attempts to Actually Take Care of the Baby He Helped Make.   Ad agencies simply cannot get enough of this particular show, can they?

Each chapter shows basically the same guy- a young sperm donor- doing basically the same thing- struggling with some mindless, child related chore which naturally is extremely hard for him to pull of because, after all, he's got this whole Y Chromosome thing going so of course actually handling a baby isn't really his normal gig.  What's supposed to make this endlessly repeating storyline so "funny" is that Daddy is attempting to do something that, really, only Mommies know how to do.  Instinctively.

We don't see the other Regular in this particular episode- that's the All-Knowing In the Ways of Baby Wife, who knew how to Swaddle babies before she herself was out of the crib, we can assume.  Females are genetically engineered to swaddle babies, spread Nutella, and use Bounty paper towels-- it's why they have four fingers and a thumb on each hand, after all.  But we hear her on the phone, and she sounds positively apologetic that some emergency called her away from her natural role of swaddler and forced to her to leave that responsibility in the hands of a person who, as I've already pointed out, simply isn't up to the task.  She even sounds a little surprised that he hasn't managed to kill HER kid in his attempts to wrap a blanket around it.

And why has Daddy been so successful at wrapping a blanket around his kid, when loading a weapon, changing the oil on the family's pickup or squirting Round-Up on the weeds in the sidewalk are far more suited to his talents?  Because he's able to ask his phone for help (more specifically, he's able to ask YouTube for help, but whatever.)  The Swaddling Tips (sick of that word yet?) have naturally been posted by....a woman.  Well, what did we expect?

I'm not even going to comment on the "baby defecates/wets all over the blanket just as Daddy manages to get it wrapped up" punchline.  That's just to get a chuckle out of the mentally deficient droolers who have reached their twenties and still think that baby farts and "that's going to be a wet one" are just CLASSIC.  It's entirely predictable and even necessary here, because after all, if Baby just sat there happy and dry in Daddy's arms, that would imply that Daddy had done something right and all was going to be well, and that's just crazy talk.

I'm just going to assume that Mommy will get home before this helpless mammal (or the baby it's holding) needs to be fed.  Because if Daddy has to figure out all by himself which end of the bottle is supposed to go into Baby's mouth,  I don't give Baby much chance of surviving.  And if Daddy ever loses his connection to YouTube, that thin chance diminishes to basically nothing.  Because when it comes to Daddy and Babies- well, they just don't mix.  Television says so.  Again, and again, and again.

Visa Presents another "let the world know you use our card a LOT with a stupid, showy reward" commercial

While I admit that strength training with Patrick Willis would be pretty cool, and there's no doubt in my mind that the guy in this ad would benefit a lot more from strength training with ANYBODY than "luxury car service," I can't help but think after watching this ad that in real life

A)  Patrick Willis couldn't give a flying damn that some total stranger doesn't want to take on a program of strength training with him- in fact, he would probably think it quite a burden to have this stupid fat slob asking for a spot, and besides

B)  This guy would be mentally begging Patrick Willis to take a swing at him as he's standing on his own damn lawn, so he can call his lawyer and get Willis to settle out of court for a nice sum of money- hey, maybe even enough to buy a gym membership and a few sessions with a strength trainer who DOESN'T play for the NFL.

Am I wrong, just being a bit too cynical, or what?

"My kids are going to be revolting little mess makers again, the darlings- better get some more Bounty!"

Someday, someone will make a commercial which convinces me that I really missed out by never having kids.

That commercial will NOT feature a zombie MommyWife who remembers that she has a nest of out of control spawn at home waiting to throw food against windows (seriously- she imagines this happening, and I can only assume that she's seen this before in real life and fully expects to see it again) and doing all kinds of stupid, disgusting things which make messes because after all Kids Will Be Kids, which in TV land means Kids Will Be Assholes Who Have Not Been Taught To Behave, but only that Mommy Will Be There With Bounty Paper Towels to Clean Up After Them.

In other words, this commercial does not bring me even a tiny little baby step toward regretting having any of these noisy, nasty little urchins.   Back to the drawing board, Bounty.

*I didn't pick up at first that in this case, the purchase of paper towels is triggered by the announcement that MommyWife's inlaws are "bringing the twins."  First- I can't even begin to describe how much I loathe the term "The Twins."  Twins are individual humans who happen to be born of the same mother a short time apart.  They are given names and are generally expected to grow up to be separate, unique human beings.  "The Twins" makes them sound like they are conjoined, one Unit which must always be taken as one Unit.  That's lazy, obnoxious and just plain bullshit, ok?

Second, it's strongly implied here that Doofus Dad expected his brother to show up- but not bring his kids?  What were they supposed to do- was it assumed that The Twins would be staying with brother's wife?  Why does it come as a surprise that brother is bringing The Twins?  Was it assumed that brother wanted to get away from the little monsters for an afternoon?

Third, "my brother is bringing the twins" sets off a momentary panic, because both Doofus Dad and MommyWife know that this means horrible behavior and lots of mess.  to be dealt with by packing in extra paper towels (and, presumably, a few bottles of Tide and Shout.)   Here's a better idea- call Doofus Dad's brother and let him know that his untrained dickweed little demons aren't welcome at your house, and that stands as long as he refuses to do a little parenting.  Seems pretty damned simple to me.

Well, look at that.  I managed to more than double the size of this post.  Sometimes rants are good things.

Neuroplasticity?

I'm sure I'm being overly cynical here, but I can't help wondering if the people who visit Lumosity to engage in Brain Training through the Science of Neuroplasticity aren't all going to end up drinking fruity liquid out of the same cauldron in some South American jungle a few years down the road.

I mean, am I the only person out there who thinks this has "cult" written all over it?  There's no suggestion in these ads that anything is being sold.  Just train your brain at Lumosity.com, for "free."  Well, sorry, but I'm way too bitter and suspicious to believe that ANYTHING is offered for "free."  So what's the price? Subliminal "buy this from companies sponsoring this site" messages implanted in your brain, courtesy the Science of Neuroplasticity?

And BTW, the look this woman gives us at the end, while cartoon lines seem to sprout out of her head-- yeah, this really makes me want to try this out, Lumosity.  Anyone up for 23andMe?

Aquafresh's depressing look at "real people"

The really sad thing is, I totally believe that these ARE real people who decided to sell what little dignity they possessed for a few seconds of screen time on a toothpaste commercial.

So they mug and froth and giggle for the camera like a bunch of developmentally-arrested sixth graders being handed five dollars by their grandparents for every minute they continue to "act cute."  They tell us how much they enjoy this toothpaste stuff while it collects around their mouths and dribbles down their chins.  It's really stupid and gross and intensely dumb and something that only real people could pull off convincingly.

So congratulations, Aquafresh, for taking advantage of very sad but oh so very real people who don't care what they have to do to get on television, and never mind that this kind of ad only shows up in the middle of Comedy Central movies nobody really wants to watch anyway.  Could you do me a favor and go back to hiring actors now?  Because this is so pathetic, it hurts my soul.

Mission Accomplished. Continue to aim high, sister!

Just imagine- if this woman hadn't traded her soul for a big house and popped out these kids, those backpacks would just be sitting there on the floor.  And who would be spreading the Nutella?

My guess is- Nobody. And what a tragedy that would be.  So let's not build a flux capacitor, go back ten years, and suggest to this woman that there might just be something in life worth a bit more than spreading nut and cocoa cream on toast in order to get children to the breakfast table.  I mean, just imagine the tear in the space-time continuum that would create.

The Nutella jar would just sit there, unopened.  The kids would keep playing, and those backpacks would just stay on the floor.  Oh, the humanity.  Thank G-d we can't go back in time, because it would be really awful to mess up all this, wouldn't it?