Forty-something years of simply Not Doing My Job...

I really hope that reincarnation is real, because when I die I'd like to come back as a Man, so I can do Man things like

1.  Toast other Men with Light Beer after leering at waitresses,

2.  Maintain a Totally Natural 3-Day beard and Even More Naturally Mussed hair,

3.  Never wear any outfit on the weekend that does not include a dirty plaid shirt which is untucked,

4.  Throw heavy things like engines and plumbing supplies in the back of dirty pickup trucks,

5.  Barbecue Everything,

6.  Be inexplicably married to a girl who is way too good for me,*  and

7.  Take sledge hammers to decks, bathrooms, etc. so I can Remodel, Remodel and Remodel some more.

I mean, it all looks like so much fun.

*I've actually done this one.  So I have SOME Man experience.  Other than that, though, I really don't resemble anyone who has ever played a Man in a television commercial.  And I'd really like to.  Maybe next time.

"I'm trying to earn a living selling trucks, and you aren't helping, you witless time-sucking dickweed."

"What's going on here?"

Seriously- really?  Did this guy just wander off the grounds of the mental ward and find himself in a truck dealership?  Can we use this in other situations?  I was at an Orioles game last night- should I have walked around with my hands in my pockets asking "what's going on here?"

"You want the long or short answer?" Followed by "the long, I guess."  Again- what the hell?  It couldn't be more obvious that the witless doofus who has stumbled across the unfamiliar sight of a store which sells trucks and finds himself completely flummoxed by it is only in need of directions back to his hospice care provider.  Instead, the truck salesman asks "do you want to waste SOME of my time, or a LOT of it?"  And when in the history of our planet has ANYONE ever chosen the long answer over the short?  Escaped Mental Patient has basically responded with more evidence that he's an Escaped Mental Patient- "gee, given a choice, I guess I'd rather here the long version of What Is Going On In This Store Which Obviously Sells Trucks and is Filled With People Who May Be Interested in Buying a Truck."

The salesman responds with less than ten seconds of gibberish I didn't even bother to really listen to.  That's the "long version."  Mercifully.

Naturally, Pot-Bellied Dope who announced very first thing that he's not a potential customer then asks for the Short Version.  Groan.   Short version being "check out the sign, illiterate douchenozzle."

Sure, this guy is going to be driving away in a truck.  It's a much better bet that in half an hour he'll be strolling through a playground, asking eight year olds "so, what's going on here" until a friendly cop tells him to move on or at least calls the phone number conveniently attached to his shirt so that his keepers can collect him and get him back to the Home.

And worst of all- there are several of these "what's going on" commercials.  Because Chevy thinks people are really, really stupid and the football stadium-sized American flags out front and the gigantic TRUCK SALE signs inside aren't quite enough to convince us that TRUCKS ARE BEING SOLD HERE.

Smirnoffs Night of Mixed Messages

Ok, let's start with the "you walk your cat" and "Rufus is a dog's name" bit.  Even before we switched to the women, I had this instant, sick feeling that this was some idea of Guys Acting Like Girls.  Some sick Male's idea of Guys Acting Like Girls, that is.

And why are these guys talking about cats named Rufus?  Because their women have not yet shown up.  They are late.  What are they doing?

Ok, that's enough about the guys.  They aren't really all that important to this commercial, and I don't want to put more thought into their conversation than the writers did.  Let's move on.

Turns out that they are in an apartment, guzzling vodka and putting off the inevitable, unpleasant Meeting With the Guys.  One of them makes up a story about being stuck in traffic, or something, and the guys totally buy it (and get back to talking about cats, I imagine.)  Having "bought another hour," the girls get back to getting smashed on Vodka.  And we are left with the powerful impression that soon, they'll all head off to meet the guys.  Drunk.

(Is this someone's idea of "Girls Acting Like Guys?")

Besides the immense blanket of Stupid that smothers this entire mess, I have a specific problem with this commercial for Smirnoffs.   My problem is that it's message completely negates the second commercial for Smirnoffs- the one that I kind of like.  The one that shows women acting responsibly.  It's almost as if Smirnoffs wants to give "both sides" to a situation, and endorse them both.  Yes, getting hammered at your friend's house before meeting up with your date is a lot of fun.  But so is getting hammered at a bar and then taking a taxi home.  Either way, as long as it involves consuming large quantities of our favorite Vodka.

Maybe the message we are supposed to get is that the guys in the first ad are so boring, so painful to be with, so depressingly dull with their arguments over cat names and the like, that the Women in their Lives can only bear to be with them if they are plastered.  Maybe.  But I still think the "let's keep drinking a little while longer before we have to be with them" theme more than a little off-putting, especially since we don't see these women climb into a taxi at the end of the ad.  Pity, because the second commercial is actually pretty cute, besides providing a positive message that doesn't really come down all that hard on men, and shows drinkers doing the Right Thing by taking a cab home.

So, hit and miss, Smirnoffs.  You are batting .500 in my book- much better than most companies, I must say.

Another "Dads should be neither seen nor heard" commercial provided by Family-Friendly KFC

Dad the chinless, clueless wonder notices a flock of younger people (appropriately gender-and-ethnicity mixed for television, of course) squatting on his porch eating KFC and makes an hi-LARIOUS attempt to actually communicate with them in a language they might understand.

Naturally, he fails miserably and makes himself look like an even bigger fool than the smirking young people already thought he was.  He fails primarily because he tries to use a few "cool" words he thought he heard people their age use while scrolling channels, but of course he can't because he's another really stupid Dad.   So they just ignore him, snigger among themselves and just wish he would just go away and stop being stupid Dad right in front of them.

Dad DOES go away, because he thinks that Kids These Days are eating the bones of their Original Recipe ("old school") chicken and that Carol needs to get out of the shower and hear about this Right Now.  This just makes the kids happier in their silent contempt for Dad, the Walking Punchline who never, ever fails to deliver.  Yay Dad, you used to shame me in front of my friends with your cluelessness, now they accept that you are an old moron and are funny in so many ways, thank you for your brief attempts to be a part of my life which always end in hysterical failure!

And by the way, it's not at all surprising that the kids who decided to go to KFC and then hang out on Dad's porch didn't even consider bringing Dad or Carol any chicken- why would they do that?  They'd probably insist on sitting out there on the porch boring them with their lame attempts to belong, and that's funny for a while but it does get old.  The best thing about Parents on TV is that they generally understand that their role is to just provide things like phones and tablets and tvs and places to sit, say something really dumb but often reasonably snarkworthy now and then, and exit the stage.  Dad can come back when it's time to clean up after the kids, and he'll be called when the next cable upgrade is required, but until then- just fuck off, ok, Dad?

At this point, I'd rather Geico just start battering me with a blunt instrument than continue to subject me to this garbage

If you think you can stomach it, check out the responses to this abomination on YouTube.  Everyone there thinks this is hysterical- more than one guy "cracks up every time he sees it."  Several are just so full of mirth over this As Usual The Punchline Doesn't Come Close To Justifying The Setup bowl of pond scum that all they can manage is to repeat "Hump Day!"

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: Our future.  God help us all.

Anyway, there's no reason to believe that this Geico's latest headache-and-bile-inducing ad campaign is going to let up any time soon.  Not as long as the adult children over at YouTube continue to enjoy sucking down sewage and calling it steak.  But the sixth airing of this ad in the past hour on AMC has more than convinced me to change the channel and go into my 20th year of having car insurance which is Not Geico.

Meanwhile, good luck in your continued scraping of the barrel, Geico.  I'm sure it gives you great pleasure to know that a large population of dim bulbs finds your commercials entertaining enough to comment on (hiding behind fake names, at least- that counts for something, right?)   Me?  I just want everyone involved in this concept to die horribly.  Like most things that I want, that's too much to ask, of course.

Bursting two bubbles with one blog

1.  "It's nice to be on a site where....guys are actually looking for a woman my age...."

Well, I guess if you want to look at it that way, you are entitled, lady.  But let me clue you in:  The only guys out there who are looking for a woman over fifty are in their seventies or eighties, and have given up hope of snagging someone even younger.  They aren't looking for you, but they are willing to settle for you.  If you find that flattering, you really need to check out this other guy....

2.  "I got my first flirt within ten minutes of being on the site....yeah...."

Seriously, this is like a bagel that believes it's popular because ten seconds after it was tossed on the beach, it was being fought over by three seagulls.  Hey, buddy?  The site is designed to reel in desperate, sagging people who just don't want to die alone and (as previously noted) have given up trying to hook a young hottie.  You aren't a bad looking guy, and your surface appearance suggests you've got some financial security.  That makes you very, very attractive to the audience you've chosen to appear before.  Like a Snickers bar left out on a hot sidewalk is super-appealing to an ant colony.  If you find that flattering, please introduce yourself to that first woman.  You were made for each other.

But hey, at least you aren't trying out Christian Mingle, and are announcing "yes, I'm lonely and desperate, but I'm still going to start off by vetoing the vast majority of people out there who don't belong to my particular branch of Southern North American Presby-Lutheranism" ( I stole that from The Simpsons.  Not a real church.  I don't think.)

Actual Product Being Peddled Here: An Ejector Seat

Or perhaps a law firm specializing in quickie divorces?

This video eventually presented as Exhibit A in the case against John Smith, accused of murdering his wife and burying it in a shallow grave somewhere in the West Virginia wilderness.  Ultimately the jury rules in favor of Smith and his plea of Self Defense.

Seriously, what else is there to say about this ad?  "I'm too hot."  "I'm freezing."  Get your own car, lady- and until then, shut your complain hole!