Upload this, you pretentious twat

Just when you thought that I Phone just couldn't get any more obnoxiously, over-the-top full of itself, we get this thirty seconds of loathsome crud.

I mean, even the YouTube crowd, which generally adores EVERYTHING, hates this crap and wants to hunt down and beat some little shred of humility to whoever signed off on it.  They especially hate the narrator and his desire to upload "all of himself" (not to mention his belief that the ability to do so is a RIGHT..gag....)  This guy acts as if being able to share every moment of his life is guaranteed by the freaking Constitution-- which of course means that he thinks that

A)  we were all being denied our basic rights before this stupid-ass phone he's obviously in love with was put on the market, and

B) he actually believes that more than half a dozen people on the planet give a flying f--k about him and his pathetic life.

The makers of I Phone clearly believe that the best way to sell their product is to make television viewers as angry as possible at Apple, because there's simply no other explanation for the crimes against humanity that are I Phone Ads.  When even YouTubers (except that one woman who bleats about humanity and beauty and who I half-believe is pulling some seriously clever snark, but fear she isn't) think your commercials are insufferable half-minutes of moldy swill, maybe it's time to step back and stop acting like the inventions of the wheel, compass and light bulb were asterisks in history compared to your f--ing phones.  Because this is getting really, really out of control.

Dear Disney: It's got Johnny Depp. It will make a billion dollars. Now please, stop this crap.

I'll let my loyal readers determine for themselves which of these examples of cross-promotion fails more hilariously.

Seriously.  I get that movies are expensive to make, and if you can get some tie-in promotions to cover some of the bill, you're going to do that.  But when ever other freaking advertisement playing on ESPN during the Yankees-Orioles game is an attempt to link a very modern product (cars, Subway sandwiches, etc.) with a film which is supposed to take place in the Old West, it just comes across as really stupid and almost desperate.

It gets even worse when you recall that the company willing to whore out this film to anyone willing to throw a few bucks into the till (never mind that the tie-in makes zero sense to anyone watching) is f--ing DISNEY, which has raked in roughly 800 billion dollars on the Once-Cute, Now Totally Ubiquitous Pirates of the Caribbean franchise alone over the past decade.  Disney needs more money like I need more good looks.

I do believe in the existence of a phenomenon I like to call Marketing Fatigue.  It works like this:  a long-discussed film is about to be released.  There's a lot of buzz about it, and a built-in audience that is very interested in seeing it.  About two months before the Big Release Date, we start to see teaser clips for the film.  These wet our appetites to see the flick, mission accomplished.  But then we start to see these promotional tie-ins.  Lots and lots of promotional tie-ins.  Suddenly the film we want to see is being associated with SUVs, Happy Meals, Credit Cards, and a whole lot of stuff we really don't give a damn about. We start to see a lot of non-actors who populate advertisements hyping the film while eating at Wendy's or drinking Miller Lite.  And we start to get beaten over the head with reminders to somehow "celebrate the release of------" by ordering PapaJohns pizza or dropping in a Seven-Eleven for a Slurpee.

Eventually (my theory goes) we get so bored and insulted at the constant hammering away that our appetite for the film we thought we really wanted to see fades away, and when it finally does show up at the local Multiplex, we greet it with a shrug and a yawn and a strange sense that we've already seen the film and don't have to plop down $10 for another viewing.  Maybe we do go see it, maybe we don't, but certainly the excitement is long gone.  Certainly the idea of waiting for the DVD release is no longer an inconceivable notion.

Now, I'm quite certain that this movie will make a buttload of money (see the title of this post.)  But that just makes all this unnecessary and annoying cross-marketing that much more off-putting.   If we see any of the main characters sell a car or eat at Subway during the film, it will make a little more sense.  Otherwise, this is just really, really pointless.

Electronics for the biggest douchenozzles on the planet- US.

Because in the most disgustingly spoiled-rich country on the planet, it's perfectly ordinary for people to treat sensitive, expensive electronics that would cost the average mill worker in Pakistan two month's wages like used Kleenex.  Because Americans simply can NOT be trained to stop acting like wasteful, materialistic pigs with their Stuff, Samsung will now pretend that the people who think they "need" this crap will not find new ways to carelessly break them.

(The guy who emerges from being buried by his kids on the beach will wonder how his "Whatever-Proof" phone got destroyed despite Samsung's promise of indestructibility.  Here's a hint, Dad- check out the face on your disappointed kid, who was just beginning to believe that you actually wanted to spend some quality time with him when your f--ing phone went off and you just HAD to answer it on the first ring....)

Phones are going to keep getting destroyed by people who can't live without them, yet know how easy they are to replace, and are well-trained to want an excuse to replace them regularly anyway.  All this means is that the landfills are going to consist of sturdier piles of slightly more rugged pieces of junk leaking mercury into the aquifer.  And we are going to keep on consuming this vile rubbish along with our Dollar Menu McDiabetes Meals while the world starves around us, updating to the "newest" model every few months Just Because, whether it breaks or not.

Which makes one wonder- what the hell is the point?  And not just about this commercial, either.

Forty-something years of simply Not Doing My Job...

I really hope that reincarnation is real, because when I die I'd like to come back as a Man, so I can do Man things like

1.  Toast other Men with Light Beer after leering at waitresses,

2.  Maintain a Totally Natural 3-Day beard and Even More Naturally Mussed hair,

3.  Never wear any outfit on the weekend that does not include a dirty plaid shirt which is untucked,

4.  Throw heavy things like engines and plumbing supplies in the back of dirty pickup trucks,

5.  Barbecue Everything,

6.  Be inexplicably married to a girl who is way too good for me,*  and

7.  Take sledge hammers to decks, bathrooms, etc. so I can Remodel, Remodel and Remodel some more.

I mean, it all looks like so much fun.

*I've actually done this one.  So I have SOME Man experience.  Other than that, though, I really don't resemble anyone who has ever played a Man in a television commercial.  And I'd really like to.  Maybe next time.

"I'm trying to earn a living selling trucks, and you aren't helping, you witless time-sucking dickweed."

"What's going on here?"

Seriously- really?  Did this guy just wander off the grounds of the mental ward and find himself in a truck dealership?  Can we use this in other situations?  I was at an Orioles game last night- should I have walked around with my hands in my pockets asking "what's going on here?"

"You want the long or short answer?" Followed by "the long, I guess."  Again- what the hell?  It couldn't be more obvious that the witless doofus who has stumbled across the unfamiliar sight of a store which sells trucks and finds himself completely flummoxed by it is only in need of directions back to his hospice care provider.  Instead, the truck salesman asks "do you want to waste SOME of my time, or a LOT of it?"  And when in the history of our planet has ANYONE ever chosen the long answer over the short?  Escaped Mental Patient has basically responded with more evidence that he's an Escaped Mental Patient- "gee, given a choice, I guess I'd rather here the long version of What Is Going On In This Store Which Obviously Sells Trucks and is Filled With People Who May Be Interested in Buying a Truck."

The salesman responds with less than ten seconds of gibberish I didn't even bother to really listen to.  That's the "long version."  Mercifully.

Naturally, Pot-Bellied Dope who announced very first thing that he's not a potential customer then asks for the Short Version.  Groan.   Short version being "check out the sign, illiterate douchenozzle."

Sure, this guy is going to be driving away in a truck.  It's a much better bet that in half an hour he'll be strolling through a playground, asking eight year olds "so, what's going on here" until a friendly cop tells him to move on or at least calls the phone number conveniently attached to his shirt so that his keepers can collect him and get him back to the Home.

And worst of all- there are several of these "what's going on" commercials.  Because Chevy thinks people are really, really stupid and the football stadium-sized American flags out front and the gigantic TRUCK SALE signs inside aren't quite enough to convince us that TRUCKS ARE BEING SOLD HERE.

Smirnoffs Night of Mixed Messages

Ok, let's start with the "you walk your cat" and "Rufus is a dog's name" bit.  Even before we switched to the women, I had this instant, sick feeling that this was some idea of Guys Acting Like Girls.  Some sick Male's idea of Guys Acting Like Girls, that is.

And why are these guys talking about cats named Rufus?  Because their women have not yet shown up.  They are late.  What are they doing?

Ok, that's enough about the guys.  They aren't really all that important to this commercial, and I don't want to put more thought into their conversation than the writers did.  Let's move on.

Turns out that they are in an apartment, guzzling vodka and putting off the inevitable, unpleasant Meeting With the Guys.  One of them makes up a story about being stuck in traffic, or something, and the guys totally buy it (and get back to talking about cats, I imagine.)  Having "bought another hour," the girls get back to getting smashed on Vodka.  And we are left with the powerful impression that soon, they'll all head off to meet the guys.  Drunk.

(Is this someone's idea of "Girls Acting Like Guys?")

Besides the immense blanket of Stupid that smothers this entire mess, I have a specific problem with this commercial for Smirnoffs.   My problem is that it's message completely negates the second commercial for Smirnoffs- the one that I kind of like.  The one that shows women acting responsibly.  It's almost as if Smirnoffs wants to give "both sides" to a situation, and endorse them both.  Yes, getting hammered at your friend's house before meeting up with your date is a lot of fun.  But so is getting hammered at a bar and then taking a taxi home.  Either way, as long as it involves consuming large quantities of our favorite Vodka.

Maybe the message we are supposed to get is that the guys in the first ad are so boring, so painful to be with, so depressingly dull with their arguments over cat names and the like, that the Women in their Lives can only bear to be with them if they are plastered.  Maybe.  But I still think the "let's keep drinking a little while longer before we have to be with them" theme more than a little off-putting, especially since we don't see these women climb into a taxi at the end of the ad.  Pity, because the second commercial is actually pretty cute, besides providing a positive message that doesn't really come down all that hard on men, and shows drinkers doing the Right Thing by taking a cab home.

So, hit and miss, Smirnoffs.  You are batting .500 in my book- much better than most companies, I must say.

Another "Dads should be neither seen nor heard" commercial provided by Family-Friendly KFC

Dad the chinless, clueless wonder notices a flock of younger people (appropriately gender-and-ethnicity mixed for television, of course) squatting on his porch eating KFC and makes an hi-LARIOUS attempt to actually communicate with them in a language they might understand.

Naturally, he fails miserably and makes himself look like an even bigger fool than the smirking young people already thought he was.  He fails primarily because he tries to use a few "cool" words he thought he heard people their age use while scrolling channels, but of course he can't because he's another really stupid Dad.   So they just ignore him, snigger among themselves and just wish he would just go away and stop being stupid Dad right in front of them.

Dad DOES go away, because he thinks that Kids These Days are eating the bones of their Original Recipe ("old school") chicken and that Carol needs to get out of the shower and hear about this Right Now.  This just makes the kids happier in their silent contempt for Dad, the Walking Punchline who never, ever fails to deliver.  Yay Dad, you used to shame me in front of my friends with your cluelessness, now they accept that you are an old moron and are funny in so many ways, thank you for your brief attempts to be a part of my life which always end in hysterical failure!

And by the way, it's not at all surprising that the kids who decided to go to KFC and then hang out on Dad's porch didn't even consider bringing Dad or Carol any chicken- why would they do that?  They'd probably insist on sitting out there on the porch boring them with their lame attempts to belong, and that's funny for a while but it does get old.  The best thing about Parents on TV is that they generally understand that their role is to just provide things like phones and tablets and tvs and places to sit, say something really dumb but often reasonably snarkworthy now and then, and exit the stage.  Dad can come back when it's time to clean up after the kids, and he'll be called when the next cable upgrade is required, but until then- just fuck off, ok, Dad?