The future of relationships, presented by Blackberry

Wow, the warmth just oozes out of the screen, doesn't it?

David TEXTS "Happy Anniversary" to Klara (I know. Gag.)  Then he scrolls around for a few seconds, finds some nice beach hideaway the Rifraff Cannot Afford and selects it as a good place to spend a second honeymoon with Klara (grrrrr....)

Then he texts "let's Honeymoon again!"

Am I the only one who gets the feeling that these two sad, cold idiots haven't really talked for years?  I mean, a while back I snarked mercilessly on a commercial in which a woman announced to her husband that she was pregnant via cell phone video.  (You remember that one- where the giggly woman-child coyly told hubby that she had an update on "that thing we we've been working on," blush drop eyes tee hee.)  That was positively old-fashioned compared to this horror.

Seems to me that if you've got a phone that allows texting, it also allows for calling and talking.  Even dialing up your significant other's cell phone and SAYING "Happy Anniversary!" is better than texting it.  In fact, the only thing I can think of worse than texting it would be forgetting it altogether.

Here's something else that occurs to me- if it's David and-- umm, "Klara's" anniversary, doesn't that kind of imply that they, um, live together?  So why didn't David say "Happy Anniversary" that morning, or wait 'till he saw her again that night?  Why is David acting like he never actually sees his wife unless he's made a reservation at a fancy resort or restaurant- in other words, unless he's made an appointment to be with her?  Why is David acting as if he really doesn't like talking to his wife all that much, or that he did something terribly wrong a while back and has been sleeping on a cot in the garage for the past month and a half?

I mean, what the hell?

More kids in desperate need of parents and not just adults who buy them crap

Seriously, all of the techno-addled creeps in this commercial just need to STFU, put the glowing boxes down...

...and get their sad butts out the fricking door and DO something, PLEASE.

Seriously, could someone tell me what it is about the life made possible by the technology being sold in this commercial that is at all appealing, to anybody?

Hey, dickwads- here's a great story for you.  When I was a kid, we didn't have personal computers or cell phones.  Our entire house had one television set.  On good days, we got three channels.  We couldn't record anything- you watched what was on, when it was on, and it was over, the tv got turned off.  We had one telephone for five kids and two parents.  Which meant that when a kid was on the phone, that conversation was short and to the point.  Know what we did have?  Lots and lots of books.  Not that we spent a lot of time reading when the sun was shining- then we were outside, on our bicycles, or on foot.  We talked to each other face to face, because 99 percent of the time, the only other option was not talking at all.  Maybe we were swimming, or playing tag, or doing a thousand other things kids can find to do OUTSIDE.

And you know what?  Not only was that OK, it was in my humble opinion FAR SUPERIOR to anything I see in this ad.  I rode bikes and hiked and fished and seemed to be forever moving around.  You celebrate the ease at which you can spend your childhood gazing at a fricking screen.  And you think I lived in tough times?  You pity ME?

Sorry to disturb your little nirvana, kids.  Go back to being little techno-zombies, convincing yourselves that being able to Instantly Watch Everything At A Whim is a "good" thing, and that people like me lived in some kind of Dark Age hell because we had to find ways to fill our time that did not involve texting, downloading, streaming or "Sharing."  Just keep telling yourselves that.  I'm sure the commercials will keep supporting the theory.  Me, I don't buy it.

"Ok, from now on, I'm spending my holidays on campus...."

Hey, trust me, guys- as disappointed as you were at being interrupted while about to have drug-induced sexual intercourse, we the viewers are eternally grateful that your fat daughter got home from GENERIC STATE UNIVERSITY with her dirty laundry just before you old codgers started to strip.

BTW, anyone else think it's weird that viewing commercials for Cialis or Viagra has exactly the opposite effect on arousal levels that TAKING Cialis or Viagra is supposed to?  Or is it just me, my having too much time on my hands, and my absolute insistence on taking all of this waaaaayyyy too seriously?

MasterCard: Preferred by people who are much, much more worthy than thou

I can tell you from experience that there is NOTHING in G-d's Good Earth more humiliating and horrible than finishing up a delicious meal at one's favorite Parisian Bistro or Hong Kong hideaway and suddenly remember that it does not take American Express.

Fortunately, whenever I and my fellow Foodies jet over to Japan for a weekend of Sushi Bar Hopping, we carry our MasterCards.  Because being Rich and Pretty isn't just about money and good looks; it also includes knowing that not all currency is created equal on the side of the planet 99.9 percent of Americans will never see.

Sometimes, I envy those 99.9 percent of Americans.  They never have to deal with jet lag, or obnoxious security agents at airports, or officials who take forever to find a clean page on your passport to stamp.  And the restaurants they use- Burger King, McDonalds, etc.- take American Express.  Heck, they even take (giggle) CASH LOL!  I haven't even SEEN that stuff for years- is it still green?

All else being considered, however, I think I'll stick to being a Committed Foodie.  After all, Someone has to travel everywhere and taste everything, even if it DOES mean taking off your shoes or sitting on a rug instead of a chair and adjusting to every other kind of adorable local ritual and tradition.  As long as they take MasterCard, I'll be there.  And if one of you people ever get out of North America, I hope you learn from my experience just a little bit.  Just remember- a lot of restaurants outside this Hemisphere don't take American Express, so work really hard and try to qualify for a GOOD credit card before you go, ok?

Sincerely,

Your Betters in the .01%

Apple's Big Wet Sloppy Valentine to Itself, Delivered eight months early

No real surprise that comments are disabled on YouTube for this suffocating, slow-moving tidal wave of pretentious bullshit from our friends at Apple.

After all, I'm sure the people at Apple of California realize that thirty seconds of pleasuring themselves by quietly, matter-of-factly explaining to us Lessers why their technology is basically the reason why the Earth continues to spin and we continue to find reasons to get up in the morning was going to earn them more than a little snarky feedback from viewers who don't think that staring at a glowing box is the Greatest Thing Anyone Can Ever Expect From Life.  Kind of funny that a company which constantly claims to be at the vanguard of Free Speech ("free speech" meaning "share everything about yourself, constantly") would disallow comments about it's ads, but who expects consistency these days?

(Let alone using one to determine whether something else "Deserves to Exist."  What the HELL does that even MEAN?)

A few people might even take exception to the suggestion that the characters shown in utter rapture over their Apple devices owe every bit of happiness to the company that Makes It All Possible, which Did We Mention Is HQ'd In California?  They might point out that far less than one percent of the population of the planet owns one of Apple's overpriced "connectivity" toys, and yet at least a fair portion of those Deprived Without Even Knowing It Luddites manage to get dressed, get outside, and do something worthwhile Every. Single. Day.

But guess what, Apple?  You forgot to disable embedding for this video.  So until you go back in and mark it as Private, I get to call you on your self-congratulatory asshattery, and kindly suggest that you make a hard copy of your commercial on a DVD, break it in half, and shove both shards up your rectum.  Or just get the hell over yourselves already.  Because one scene after another of people gazing lovingly at screens don't convince all of us that Apple Is Absolutely Necessary For Happiness, but ads like this do convince people like me that Apple hires only the most disgustingly pompous preeners on the planet to make it's commercials (not it's products, though- that's a job only starving Chinese preteen girls can do, apparently.)

Upload this, you pretentious twat

Just when you thought that I Phone just couldn't get any more obnoxiously, over-the-top full of itself, we get this thirty seconds of loathsome crud.

I mean, even the YouTube crowd, which generally adores EVERYTHING, hates this crap and wants to hunt down and beat some little shred of humility to whoever signed off on it.  They especially hate the narrator and his desire to upload "all of himself" (not to mention his belief that the ability to do so is a RIGHT..gag....)  This guy acts as if being able to share every moment of his life is guaranteed by the freaking Constitution-- which of course means that he thinks that

A)  we were all being denied our basic rights before this stupid-ass phone he's obviously in love with was put on the market, and

B) he actually believes that more than half a dozen people on the planet give a flying f--k about him and his pathetic life.

The makers of I Phone clearly believe that the best way to sell their product is to make television viewers as angry as possible at Apple, because there's simply no other explanation for the crimes against humanity that are I Phone Ads.  When even YouTubers (except that one woman who bleats about humanity and beauty and who I half-believe is pulling some seriously clever snark, but fear she isn't) think your commercials are insufferable half-minutes of moldy swill, maybe it's time to step back and stop acting like the inventions of the wheel, compass and light bulb were asterisks in history compared to your f--ing phones.  Because this is getting really, really out of control.

Dear Disney: It's got Johnny Depp. It will make a billion dollars. Now please, stop this crap.

I'll let my loyal readers determine for themselves which of these examples of cross-promotion fails more hilariously.

Seriously.  I get that movies are expensive to make, and if you can get some tie-in promotions to cover some of the bill, you're going to do that.  But when ever other freaking advertisement playing on ESPN during the Yankees-Orioles game is an attempt to link a very modern product (cars, Subway sandwiches, etc.) with a film which is supposed to take place in the Old West, it just comes across as really stupid and almost desperate.

It gets even worse when you recall that the company willing to whore out this film to anyone willing to throw a few bucks into the till (never mind that the tie-in makes zero sense to anyone watching) is f--ing DISNEY, which has raked in roughly 800 billion dollars on the Once-Cute, Now Totally Ubiquitous Pirates of the Caribbean franchise alone over the past decade.  Disney needs more money like I need more good looks.

I do believe in the existence of a phenomenon I like to call Marketing Fatigue.  It works like this:  a long-discussed film is about to be released.  There's a lot of buzz about it, and a built-in audience that is very interested in seeing it.  About two months before the Big Release Date, we start to see teaser clips for the film.  These wet our appetites to see the flick, mission accomplished.  But then we start to see these promotional tie-ins.  Lots and lots of promotional tie-ins.  Suddenly the film we want to see is being associated with SUVs, Happy Meals, Credit Cards, and a whole lot of stuff we really don't give a damn about. We start to see a lot of non-actors who populate advertisements hyping the film while eating at Wendy's or drinking Miller Lite.  And we start to get beaten over the head with reminders to somehow "celebrate the release of------" by ordering PapaJohns pizza or dropping in a Seven-Eleven for a Slurpee.

Eventually (my theory goes) we get so bored and insulted at the constant hammering away that our appetite for the film we thought we really wanted to see fades away, and when it finally does show up at the local Multiplex, we greet it with a shrug and a yawn and a strange sense that we've already seen the film and don't have to plop down $10 for another viewing.  Maybe we do go see it, maybe we don't, but certainly the excitement is long gone.  Certainly the idea of waiting for the DVD release is no longer an inconceivable notion.

Now, I'm quite certain that this movie will make a buttload of money (see the title of this post.)  But that just makes all this unnecessary and annoying cross-marketing that much more off-putting.   If we see any of the main characters sell a car or eat at Subway during the film, it will make a little more sense.  Otherwise, this is just really, really pointless.