Chevy Independence Day Commercial features two fantasies

1.  The Customers Who Just Want to Sign on the Dotted Line and Empty Their Wallets Fantasy.  Since this entire ad turns out to be the dream of a car salesman, it may be retitled "Getting My Commission Without Lifting a Finger."  The car salesman imagines that all he has to do is place himself strategically on the sales floor, and he'll be mobbed by drooling customers who will keep him busy all day selling cars as if they were McGreaseburgers on the Dollar Menu.   Maybe he imagines this because he sees it in pretty much every car commercial ever made by anybody.  Never in real life, mind you- but hey, this IS a dream after all.

2.  The You Can Have a Successful, Middle-Class Lifestyle As A Car Salesman Fantasy.  This guy wakes up to two little kids and an adoring, beautiful wife in what looks to be a rather substantial suburban house (ok, look, I have no idea how nice this house is.  It's summer, and I'm kind of doing these in a hurry, ok? Sue Me!)   In real life, car salesman don't make crap and unless they OWN the dealership or are related to the guy who does, they tend to move on to actual paying jobs as quickly as possible.  (Ok, I don't know this for sure either- I only know that if I was facing life as a car salesman, it would be a short life, and that's the way I would want it.)

Legal Sea Foods "It's funny because grampa is dead" is at least an original idea

I'm pretty sure I've never seen anyone actually die in a commercial before.  But as near as I can tell, this kid's grandfather actually passes away while fishing from his favorite pier.  (You might reply "no, John, you cold jerk- he just fell asleep."  But if that's the case, why do we get the line "nothing makes me feel MORE ALIVE than fishing?"  Sorry.  Not buying it.  Grampa's dead.)

And then his body falls into the ocean.

The last thing we hear is an "uh oh" from his grandson, which I am pretty sure is supposed to be the "punchline."  Because what could possibly be more funny and entertaining than a grandfather dying while teaching his grandson how to fish?

Thanks, Legal Seafood!

The Deluxe Version will get you down to a Size Five, no problem

Favorite image:  Guy getting totally turned off at his girlfriend's scaly, dry lizard feet.

Image I'll never get out of my head: Showing the Proper Disposal of dead skin cells in an ashcan.  Yuck.

Totally Predictable Image:  The Special Free Offer of Not Socks, Just Pay Separate Shipping and Handling.

Totally Predictable Reaction:  I post a blog commenting about how stupid and weird and disgusting this all is, all the time secretly wishing that I had recognized the need for a low-impact sand blaster for the foot.  Dammit, I could be so rich now.

The future of relationships, presented by Blackberry

Wow, the warmth just oozes out of the screen, doesn't it?

David TEXTS "Happy Anniversary" to Klara (I know. Gag.)  Then he scrolls around for a few seconds, finds some nice beach hideaway the Rifraff Cannot Afford and selects it as a good place to spend a second honeymoon with Klara (grrrrr....)

Then he texts "let's Honeymoon again!"

Am I the only one who gets the feeling that these two sad, cold idiots haven't really talked for years?  I mean, a while back I snarked mercilessly on a commercial in which a woman announced to her husband that she was pregnant via cell phone video.  (You remember that one- where the giggly woman-child coyly told hubby that she had an update on "that thing we we've been working on," blush drop eyes tee hee.)  That was positively old-fashioned compared to this horror.

Seems to me that if you've got a phone that allows texting, it also allows for calling and talking.  Even dialing up your significant other's cell phone and SAYING "Happy Anniversary!" is better than texting it.  In fact, the only thing I can think of worse than texting it would be forgetting it altogether.

Here's something else that occurs to me- if it's David and-- umm, "Klara's" anniversary, doesn't that kind of imply that they, um, live together?  So why didn't David say "Happy Anniversary" that morning, or wait 'till he saw her again that night?  Why is David acting like he never actually sees his wife unless he's made a reservation at a fancy resort or restaurant- in other words, unless he's made an appointment to be with her?  Why is David acting as if he really doesn't like talking to his wife all that much, or that he did something terribly wrong a while back and has been sleeping on a cot in the garage for the past month and a half?

I mean, what the hell?

More kids in desperate need of parents and not just adults who buy them crap

Seriously, all of the techno-addled creeps in this commercial just need to STFU, put the glowing boxes down...

...and get their sad butts out the fricking door and DO something, PLEASE.

Seriously, could someone tell me what it is about the life made possible by the technology being sold in this commercial that is at all appealing, to anybody?

Hey, dickwads- here's a great story for you.  When I was a kid, we didn't have personal computers or cell phones.  Our entire house had one television set.  On good days, we got three channels.  We couldn't record anything- you watched what was on, when it was on, and it was over, the tv got turned off.  We had one telephone for five kids and two parents.  Which meant that when a kid was on the phone, that conversation was short and to the point.  Know what we did have?  Lots and lots of books.  Not that we spent a lot of time reading when the sun was shining- then we were outside, on our bicycles, or on foot.  We talked to each other face to face, because 99 percent of the time, the only other option was not talking at all.  Maybe we were swimming, or playing tag, or doing a thousand other things kids can find to do OUTSIDE.

And you know what?  Not only was that OK, it was in my humble opinion FAR SUPERIOR to anything I see in this ad.  I rode bikes and hiked and fished and seemed to be forever moving around.  You celebrate the ease at which you can spend your childhood gazing at a fricking screen.  And you think I lived in tough times?  You pity ME?

Sorry to disturb your little nirvana, kids.  Go back to being little techno-zombies, convincing yourselves that being able to Instantly Watch Everything At A Whim is a "good" thing, and that people like me lived in some kind of Dark Age hell because we had to find ways to fill our time that did not involve texting, downloading, streaming or "Sharing."  Just keep telling yourselves that.  I'm sure the commercials will keep supporting the theory.  Me, I don't buy it.

"Ok, from now on, I'm spending my holidays on campus...."

Hey, trust me, guys- as disappointed as you were at being interrupted while about to have drug-induced sexual intercourse, we the viewers are eternally grateful that your fat daughter got home from GENERIC STATE UNIVERSITY with her dirty laundry just before you old codgers started to strip.

BTW, anyone else think it's weird that viewing commercials for Cialis or Viagra has exactly the opposite effect on arousal levels that TAKING Cialis or Viagra is supposed to?  Or is it just me, my having too much time on my hands, and my absolute insistence on taking all of this waaaaayyyy too seriously?

MasterCard: Preferred by people who are much, much more worthy than thou

I can tell you from experience that there is NOTHING in G-d's Good Earth more humiliating and horrible than finishing up a delicious meal at one's favorite Parisian Bistro or Hong Kong hideaway and suddenly remember that it does not take American Express.

Fortunately, whenever I and my fellow Foodies jet over to Japan for a weekend of Sushi Bar Hopping, we carry our MasterCards.  Because being Rich and Pretty isn't just about money and good looks; it also includes knowing that not all currency is created equal on the side of the planet 99.9 percent of Americans will never see.

Sometimes, I envy those 99.9 percent of Americans.  They never have to deal with jet lag, or obnoxious security agents at airports, or officials who take forever to find a clean page on your passport to stamp.  And the restaurants they use- Burger King, McDonalds, etc.- take American Express.  Heck, they even take (giggle) CASH LOL!  I haven't even SEEN that stuff for years- is it still green?

All else being considered, however, I think I'll stick to being a Committed Foodie.  After all, Someone has to travel everywhere and taste everything, even if it DOES mean taking off your shoes or sitting on a rug instead of a chair and adjusting to every other kind of adorable local ritual and tradition.  As long as they take MasterCard, I'll be there.  And if one of you people ever get out of North America, I hope you learn from my experience just a little bit.  Just remember- a lot of restaurants outside this Hemisphere don't take American Express, so work really hard and try to qualify for a GOOD credit card before you go, ok?

Sincerely,

Your Betters in the .01%