Here's an idea, buddy: Just stay inside and out of sight your entire life. You will not be missed.

Here's what's really torture:  twenty seconds or so of totally invented statistics bleated to create the soundtrack for a commercial featuring a Typical Guy having his face abused by Life.

Meanwhile, that's twenty seconds or more of my ears being abused by Dove.  Where do I go to find relief for THIS particular brand of torture?

Oh, and "Rescue Me" was manipulative, predictable, boring tripe, too.

Surely I can't be the only one out there wondering where on Earth the Ford Motor Company got the idea that men are programmed to listen to Denis F--ing Leary's opinion about ANYTHING, let alone ready to respond to his "just do this if you aren't a pansy momma's boy" barkings.

And while we are at it, could someone explain to me why hauling dirt, towing rocks and doing all those other things maybe 1 percent of people who have ever owned a Ford Truck do with them is more honorable and appropriate than hauling pizzas?  Hey Denis, you have a problem with hauling pizzas?  You think that these trucks you are whoring are too good to haul pizzas (but just right for pulling rocks or hauling dirt- seriously, nobody does this!?)

Anyway, Earth to Denis:  Just shut the f--- up, ok?  Nobody gives a damn what you think of Ford Trucks,  no matter how many times you use the word "torque."  Get it?  Good.  Because it was bad enough to see you sniveling about how much Red Sox fans like losing before Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS, and how it didn't matter who won because "nobody's beating the Cardinals this year.  Nobody."  It was even worse that after this disgusting display, they actually let you narrate the World Series DVD (that would be the World Series in which the Sox swept those Cardinals "nobody's beating," btw.)  After that you really just needed to shut up and go away.  I'd settle for you getting off my television and stop trying to convince me that I lack testosterone if I don't want to spend $35,000 on a two-ton driveway decoration that lets me pretend I spend weekends towing rocks and hauling dirt.

By the way, want men to take you as an authority figure?  Go buy another "n" for your first name.  That would be a good start.

Unsnarkable Pepsi Ad

Sometimes, the ad is just so saturated with stupid, you can't even squeeze out small amounts to concentrate on.  I tried with this one, but....I've got next to nothing.

Just two comments- first,  it's pretty damned amazing that the baby in this commercial has lived THIS long, with the glue-sniffing weirdo parents it has.  Second, Mother-in-Law will be "so proud?"  Really?

That's all I've got.  Anyone else want to take a shot at it?

Well, after profits, maybe. But probably not.

1.  You can only put one thing "First."  Like I put this point first.  I can't put another point first, unless I make this point second, third or whatever.  So if you put your Job first, you don't put your family or friends first.  This isn't complicated- too complicated for the people who write ads for Eastern Bank, but not complicated.

2.  If you think that Eastern Bank- or Western, Northern, Southern, Capital One, Citibank, Bank Of America, Wells Fargo, Chevy Chase or any other bank ever created by anybody in this history of the planet has ever put you or any other customer "first," you are probably way too stupid to have noticed the fallacy attached to Point #1.

Swivel This!

I really want the person at the beginning of this ad to just keep slamming her television into the plugs until something explodes, and if you don't as well, you are a liar.

That being said, just one question:  Why didn't they just make this surge protector with the plugs on either side?  Why the swiveling action?  Doesn't that automatically just make it more fragile?  I mean, what the heck- in every demonstration in every commercial I've ever seen for this thing, the item is plugged in and then the SwivelWhatever is turned sideways.  Why not just make it so it's always turned sideways?  Am I missing something here?

In other words- "Surprise! You thought Sam Adams was crap!"

Remember back in the 70s when we saw commercials like this: "We secretly replaced the gourmet coffee in this restaurant with Folger's Crystals.  Let's talk to the customers and see what they say?"  All of the people in these ads would tell the strange man who for some reason was interviewing them about their coffee in the middle of a restaurant how awesome the coffee was, then express shock to learn that whatever they had consumed for dinner had absolutely murdered their taste buds, because after all if you can't tell the difference between fresh-brewed real coffee and instant you probably order your gourmet cheeseburgers off the Dollar Menu.

What's that you say?  You don't remember these commercials because you aren't old enough?  Well, neither do I, because I'm not old enough either.  So how about those ads a few years back that showed people eating pasta from Dominos and thinking that it's high-quality Italian food (those people obviously think that "high quality Italian food" is something you get at The Olive Garden?)  Or "It's not Delivery, it's DiGiorno" (featuring intensely sad idiots who have never experienced good take-out pizza, ever?)

Well, I guess this is what the makers of Sam Adams are going for with this mess.  But it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.  I've never equated Sam Adams as the instant coffee or frozen pizza of beers- that's what Rolling Rock* is there for.  I've always considered Sam Adams a reasonably high-end beer-- so why are it's makers trying to convince us that we've always regarded it as tasteless, cheap junk (like instant coffee and frozen pizza?)

*We used to drink this when we weren't of legal age, because it was very inexpensive and even when gasoline was 90 cents a gallon we had to cut corners if we wanted to have a good time on the weekends.**

**No, I'm not old enough to remember when gasoline was 90 cents a gallon, either.  Shut up.

Hey, at least they are all using earbuds. That's something.

Here's an iPhone commercial which commits two sins very common in TV Land-

1.  First, it's too damned long.  We get what it's about in ten seconds, but it proceeds to go on for thirty.  People like using their phones to listen to music.  It's not complicated. WE GET IT.  We DON'T NEED SIX MORE EXAMPLES OF SELF-ABSORBED MORONS LISTENING TO THEIR PHONES.  We GET that the iPhone can be used as a RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE WALKMAN.  Can we move on now please?

2.  Second, it's pointless.  If you have an iPhone, you already know you can download and listen to music on it.  If you don't have an iPhone, is this really the feature that is going to get you to finally break down and buy one?  Not the forty million Apps?  Not the games?  I won't even ask about actually using it to call and talk to people- when was the last time that was used as a selling point for any cell phone?