Hey Honda- Hashtag This!

Once I got past this guy's truly awful makeup job, I was able to concentrate on the things that really annoyed me about this chapter of Honda's Summer Hashtag Clearance Hashtag Event In Which Customers Hashtag Inexplicably Tweet their car issues Hashtag to random car salesmen.  Hashtag.

First, Maddiewhatever really wants an SUV, but her hashtag (groan) is "moneyprobzzz."  Hey, Maddie?  If you've got "moneyprobzzz" (I hate you) maybe you shouldn't be trying to figure out how you can pull off an SUV right now, ok?  Seriously, "moneyprobzz" and "I want an SUV" don't really connect together logically in my book.

Except, of course, it kind of does- I suspect that the reason why "Maddie" has "moneybrobzzz" is because she's very quick to translate her wants into realities, creating more...um..."moneyprobzzz."

Second- raise your hand if you'd just as soon never hear the word "hashtag" again.  I mean, can someone please come up with a shorthand for it?

Third- Why are people sending these tweets to Honda?  Is there some contest going on in which Honda is picking the ones which best butcher the English language to feature on their stupid ads?  Is there a free Honda involved?  Because who doesn't have moneyprobzzz now and then?

Fourth- Moneybrobzzz.  I really want to hurt you right now, Maddie.  But I'll take comfort in the idea that you will be suffering enough soon, having rushed off to Honda to sign up for a sweet lease deal on a new SUV.

Why I switched to Verizon

I don't think anyone's ever attempted to argue that Comcast isn't really easy to order.*  That's not really the point.  The problem comes after one has ordered, and it's time to deal with this crummy company and it's overpriced, underdelivered service.

Here's a conversation I had with Comcast back in January.  It's pretty much a carbon copy of a conversation I'd had with Comcast roughly every four months for the past six years.  And except for the occasional visit from a Comcast Technician who managed to spend an hour or so at and around my apartment to accomplish Absolutely Nothing, conversations like this pretty much summed up my six years of being a Comcast Customer.

John : My Issue: Intermittent service, very slow service.

user John has entered room

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Karen Rochelle: Hello John, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Karen Rochelle. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Karen Rochelle: How are you doing today?

Karen Rochelle: I understand how it feels when the internet service is not working as it is supposed to. I know the urgency of this issue and since I have some troubleshooting steps in hand, I can definitely give you those. I will be very willing to go through this with you.

John : it took ten minutes to connect to your CHAT.

Karen Rochelle: Are you using a router or a wireless router?

John : My internet is actually working as it usually does with Comcast- on occasion, subject to blacking out at any time.

John : Here we go. I am using a wireless router

Karen Rochelle: How many computers are connected to your Comcast internet service?

John : One.

John : I have a script too, to go along with yours. It saves time. Do we get to the part where you ask me to unplug everything on page one, or is that page two?

Karen Rochelle: If you are currently using a router we will bypass the router.

Karen Rochelle: To check the actual speed from the modem straight to the computer hardwired.

John : ok go ahead and do that

Karen Rochelle: Do you have the account number with you?

John : no

Karen Rochelle: Can you please check the make and model of your modem?

John : I rent the modem from you. Why don't you look at my account and see an exact picture of the modem I am using? you asked for my phone number just before I started this chat

Karen Rochelle: We need to make sure that the modem you are using is same with what is in the account. Thank you!

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John : so your suspicion is that I've unplugged the modem that I'm renting from you and am using another one? Sure, that makes sense. Ok, hold on a second.

John : it's an Arris Modem, TM702G1CT

Karen Rochelle: No. We just need to make sure that its the same modem. Since you can not use a different modem as well.

Karen Rochelle: Thank you.

Karen Rochelle: Is the modem connected to computer?

Karen Rochelle: Without a third party device?

John : no, it is not connected to the computer.

Karen Rochelle: Please bypass the third party device and connect the modem straight to the computer using an ethernet cable.

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John : I just did that, and lost my connection. Just like the first dozen times someone from Comcast told me to do that

Karen Rochelle: Hi. I believe you have already bypassed the router.

Karen Rochelle: Right now are you connected hardwired to the modem?

John : no.....when I do that, I lose the connection entirely

Karen Rochelle: You will lost the connection but we will be re connected.

Karen Rochelle: Just make sure not to close this page.

John : and how long is that supposed to take?

John : ok I'll try again

Karen Rochelle: We need to have a direct connection from the modem to the computer.

Karen Rochelle: Thank you.

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Karen Rochelle: Hi.

Karen Rochelle: Did you already bypass the router?

John : yes

John : so are still connected?

Karen Rochelle: Thank you.

Karen Rochelle: Please run a speed test.

Karen Rochelle: You may use this link: http://speedtest.net/

John : I am not able to stay online long enough to run the speedtest, even when directly connected, the EasySolve window pops up- this is pathetic

John : $135 a month. For THIS.

Karen Rochelle: I perfectly understand you, John. I am a subscriber myself.

Karen Rochelle: However we need to isolate the router.

John : I think it's great that Comcast "understands." What I don't think is so great is the constant calls to Comcast to get it fixed, the visits, and the continued problems. I am connected directly, like you told me to. What do you want me to do now?

Karen Rochelle: Please run a speed test.

Karen Rochelle: You may open a different browser, make sure not to close this page.

John : wow, really? I just explained to you that the link you sent me won't open

Karen Rochelle: You may try it one more time.

John : I am trying again. It keeps Timing Out. Now I'm getting an adorable "Oops!" message.

Karen Rochelle: Did you open a different browser?

John : its working now

Karen Rochelle: Once its done please send the speed test result.

John : download speed 53.18

John : PING 12

John : upload 10.71

Karen Rochelle: Thank you for running the test.

Karen Rochelle: I would like to inform you that you do have Blast Internet Service on your account: upload speed of 20Mb - 25Mb and a download speed of 2Mb- 4Mb. .

John : yes I know- "Blast" here seems to be shorthand for "the internet, sometimes, when we feel like connecting you"

John : sounds to me like I am paying for a service I am not getting

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Karen Rochelle: That means to say you are getting what you are supposed to get.

Karen Rochelle: All we need to do is to update and synchronize your equipments. I will also be refreshing your line which might cause some disruption in this chat. But it would just be for a couple of seconds. Okay?

John : sure

Karen Rochelle: Thank you.

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Karen Rochelle: Hi, are you still with me? I can see here that you have successfully entered the chat room. I'm still here to assist you.

John : yes I am here

Karen Rochelle: I have just completed the process from my end, . I have refreshed your modem's connection from the system, sent signals to the modem which also corrected any errors that's in the network and ensures a faster and stable connection.

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John : so can I unplug now?

Karen Rochelle: Not yet.

Karen Rochelle: We need to observe the connection for atleast 24 hours.

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John : ok

Karen Rochelle: Please make sure there are no loose wirings.

Karen Rochelle: If you are not experiencing any service drop and you have a stable speed that means its a third party issue.

John : so what now?

Karen Rochelle: I greatly appreciate your patience and cooperation. Before we part ways, I want to make sure that we have covered everything. Is there anything else you need to discuss with? I will be more than willing to address them for you.

John : how long am I supposed to keep this directly plugged in?

Karen Rochelle: For 24 hours please.

John : so at 445 tomorrow I can unplug it? and then what? My computer is going to go to sleep long before that

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John : I am getting dropped every few minutes

The chat session has been closed

analyst Karen Rochelle has left room

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Karen Rochelle: Analyst has closed chat and left the room

And user John has now dumped Comcast.  I'm so unreasonable.

*I do like the way this guy orders internet service while his Significant Other is sound asleep next to him in bed.  Just a girlfriend who decided to spend the night?  Because seriously, if that's his wife, isn't this something they should discuss before purchasing?

Here's an idea, buddy: Just stay inside and out of sight your entire life. You will not be missed.

Here's what's really torture:  twenty seconds or so of totally invented statistics bleated to create the soundtrack for a commercial featuring a Typical Guy having his face abused by Life.

Meanwhile, that's twenty seconds or more of my ears being abused by Dove.  Where do I go to find relief for THIS particular brand of torture?

Oh, and "Rescue Me" was manipulative, predictable, boring tripe, too.

Surely I can't be the only one out there wondering where on Earth the Ford Motor Company got the idea that men are programmed to listen to Denis F--ing Leary's opinion about ANYTHING, let alone ready to respond to his "just do this if you aren't a pansy momma's boy" barkings.

And while we are at it, could someone explain to me why hauling dirt, towing rocks and doing all those other things maybe 1 percent of people who have ever owned a Ford Truck do with them is more honorable and appropriate than hauling pizzas?  Hey Denis, you have a problem with hauling pizzas?  You think that these trucks you are whoring are too good to haul pizzas (but just right for pulling rocks or hauling dirt- seriously, nobody does this!?)

Anyway, Earth to Denis:  Just shut the f--- up, ok?  Nobody gives a damn what you think of Ford Trucks,  no matter how many times you use the word "torque."  Get it?  Good.  Because it was bad enough to see you sniveling about how much Red Sox fans like losing before Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS, and how it didn't matter who won because "nobody's beating the Cardinals this year.  Nobody."  It was even worse that after this disgusting display, they actually let you narrate the World Series DVD (that would be the World Series in which the Sox swept those Cardinals "nobody's beating," btw.)  After that you really just needed to shut up and go away.  I'd settle for you getting off my television and stop trying to convince me that I lack testosterone if I don't want to spend $35,000 on a two-ton driveway decoration that lets me pretend I spend weekends towing rocks and hauling dirt.

By the way, want men to take you as an authority figure?  Go buy another "n" for your first name.  That would be a good start.

Unsnarkable Pepsi Ad

Sometimes, the ad is just so saturated with stupid, you can't even squeeze out small amounts to concentrate on.  I tried with this one, but....I've got next to nothing.

Just two comments- first,  it's pretty damned amazing that the baby in this commercial has lived THIS long, with the glue-sniffing weirdo parents it has.  Second, Mother-in-Law will be "so proud?"  Really?

That's all I've got.  Anyone else want to take a shot at it?

Well, after profits, maybe. But probably not.

1.  You can only put one thing "First."  Like I put this point first.  I can't put another point first, unless I make this point second, third or whatever.  So if you put your Job first, you don't put your family or friends first.  This isn't complicated- too complicated for the people who write ads for Eastern Bank, but not complicated.

2.  If you think that Eastern Bank- or Western, Northern, Southern, Capital One, Citibank, Bank Of America, Wells Fargo, Chevy Chase or any other bank ever created by anybody in this history of the planet has ever put you or any other customer "first," you are probably way too stupid to have noticed the fallacy attached to Point #1.

Swivel This!

I really want the person at the beginning of this ad to just keep slamming her television into the plugs until something explodes, and if you don't as well, you are a liar.

That being said, just one question:  Why didn't they just make this surge protector with the plugs on either side?  Why the swiveling action?  Doesn't that automatically just make it more fragile?  I mean, what the heck- in every demonstration in every commercial I've ever seen for this thing, the item is plugged in and then the SwivelWhatever is turned sideways.  Why not just make it so it's always turned sideways?  Am I missing something here?