Know who forgot that the house and security came with this guy? This girl.

1.  Hey, lady?  That's a pretty nice house you've got there.  Looks spotless, too- and there you are, sitting in a gleaming living room on a comfy couch while hubby is driving home from work.  He brags incessantly about the great deal he got on a Jetta?  I'd buy some earplugs.  After all...

2.  You already put up with that stupid three-days-growth beard and the fact that he thinks that scoring a great deal on a freaking VOLKSWAGEN is something to brag about.  Did I mention the nice house?  But if all else fails, you can....

3.  Build yourself a time machine, go back a few years, and decide that your soul wasn't really worth the nice house and guy who makes enough money to buy you stuff if the guy who makes enough money to buy you stuff is an obnoxious braggart who is so f--ing full of himself that he apparently spent several WEEKS telling everyone in his contact list about his new car, in exactly the same words, from the comfort of his living room. Because if that parrot learned this entirely from hubby's conversations with YOU about the car-- well, AGAIN- you wanted this, you got it.

4.  If all else fails, that parrot would probably look just fine on a bed of rice.  And I'm sure hubby's expecting dinner on the table when he walks in from the driveway and his precious Jetta.

Does it have room for my gun rack, free weights and chewin' tobacco?

Raise your hand if you are sick of being buried by the horseshit which permeates every single commercial for ever single truck (but is ESPECIALLY noxious and overbearing in Ford commercials.)

Each one of these horrible, suffocating blankets of  faux-patriotic steaming garbage reaches out of the television to grab American males by the....err...neck....and pummel into us the message that if we really want to be considered something more than females with penises, we'd better have a three-day growth of beard, dirty hands, and a big-ass truck to haul junk around in.  We'd better live on a ranch which has easy access to suburbs and contains big bales of hay to throw around, fences that need fixin', women who need lovin' and calves that need findin' and savin'.  We'd better master our silent, strong, confident stares, and everything we do must be done in a totally natural, Matter-of-Fact, "get 'er done 'cause it's what we do" manner.

And they all leave me with the feeling that Ford does not consider me as even living in the same UNIVERSE with it's target audience.  I don't have a big house, and haven't loved the same woman all my life, I don't rope steers or milk cows or stack hay or ride fences on the weekends and I can't remember the last time I had the opportunity to haul anything with massive heavy chains.  You couldn't set my life to a cloying country music song. Hell, I even shave on days off.

Ford seems pretty determined to convince us that their trucks ought to be added to the freaking flag, or at the very least be inserted into what I guess is our new National Anthem, "God Bless America."*  And to convince those of us who aren't interested in owning one of these monstrosities (because, not living on ranches and having white-collar jobs, we really don't need them) that we are pathetic wussies who don't really deserve to live in this great open country with all of it's haul-able rocks and hay bales just waiting to be stacked and creeks which need to be crashed through and let's not forget those fence posts which aren't going to sink themselves...well, you can just bite me, Ford.  I'm not buying one of these f---ing things, no matter how many country music artists you employ in your attempts to separate me from my money.

*At Major League Baseball parks, the universal signal to use the restroom or grab another beer before sales are cut off at the end of the 7th inning.

Like no car-buying experience I've ever seen

I haven't purchased a car for ten years, but I've gone through the This Is What We've Got, This Is What You Can Afford dance several times in my life, and no current car commercial gels with my memory of the experience.

Instead, the all feature people who run into dealerships practically waving their money and begging salesmen to just lead them to a car, any car, and show them where to sign.  This woman knows exactly what she wants and actually discourages the sales guy to offer any kind of advice or input- any seller's dream customer.  In fact, the car salesmen in these ads aren't salesmen, they are cashiers.  They might as well be standing behind the counter waiting to ring up the customer's choice.

I wonder sometimes what actual car salesmen think of ads like this.  Besides actually being a customer and interacting one-on-one with a few, I've also accompanied parents and friends on car-purchasing excursions, and I have a pretty good idea of what actually goes into the buying and selling of an automobile.  Except for a house, it's the biggest commitment of hard-earned money that most people make.  We know customers don't really act like this- so when car salesmen see their jobs being portrayed as nothing more than valets who exist to hand people keys, how do they take it?

I wonder if their reaction is in any way similar to mine when I see teachers stereotyped in advertisements and television, and they think "jeesh, that's not all there is to my job- it's hard work, dammit!"  Seems likely, doesn't it?

An oddly compelling commercial from The General

I don't know what it is about this commercial that forces me to pay attention to it every time it's on.

It might be the clarity and simplicity of it's message- car insurance is easy and affordable to obtain.  No, that's not it.

It might be the Oh So Fun I Wish I Were Them people selling us this clear, simple message.  I mean- lampshade on the head? That's a CLASSIC.  And it makes so much sense that these people would be in a partying mood after discussing the purchase of the kind of cheap insurance only customers with no money and bad driving records would be interested in.

Closer--- but no, that's not it, either.

I guess I just don't know what it is about this commercial that grabs me.   Maybe it's a subliminal thing.  But it came on again while I was typing this, and I had to pause and watch, and for a few seconds after it was over, I forgot that I was typing this blog post.

What could it be?

Blackberry attempts to get into the shot of the photo of your life

I'll start by saying that I didn't even get through all of this- about a minute and a half through, I was just so damned sad at the matter-of-fact awfulness I had to just click "embed" and leave the rest alone.

The message of this commercial, in which multiple faceless people respond to their chirping Blackberries instead of interacting with each other like normal human beings, seems to be that your Blackberry is there for you at every one of those Very Special Moments of your life, making those moments somehow More Special- or, at least, more textable and tweetable.

The message I get from this commercial is- nowadays, people always have their phones out.  If they aren't already doing something on their phones, they will be any moment now, and when they do, well, that will interrupt what they were doing before they reacted like Pavlov's dogs and made that knee-jerk move for the phones.  If they aren't quite sure what to do, they'll soon be told- by their phones.  If they don't have anything to do, that's impossible, because after all they've got phones.

And all the things I've done for the first time- sat on a couch with a girl, walked with a girl, kissed a girl, got stuck in snow (I don't know why that scene is there, but maybe it makes sense if you watch the whole thing.  Not worth it) and be late for dinner- happened even though when I was as young(er)  blackberries were fruit which grew on bushes.  Somehow, I managed to do all this- without a glowing screen and the ability to text my thoughts instead of express them orally, or leave them unsaid, for better or for worse.

So, Blackberry?  Don't tell me that you are essential to my life, or anyone else's.  Don't tell me that you make life's wonderful moments better or more special, because that's BS too.  It's ok if cellphone commercials tell me that when Life Happens they are there because hey, I get that and knew that already.  But that's really all there is.  Everything in this ad happened or will happen to pretty much everyone and that is true whether we carry Blackberries or not, sorry.  You don't get to piggy-back on our moments.

Hey Honda- Hashtag This!

Once I got past this guy's truly awful makeup job, I was able to concentrate on the things that really annoyed me about this chapter of Honda's Summer Hashtag Clearance Hashtag Event In Which Customers Hashtag Inexplicably Tweet their car issues Hashtag to random car salesmen.  Hashtag.

First, Maddiewhatever really wants an SUV, but her hashtag (groan) is "moneyprobzzz."  Hey, Maddie?  If you've got "moneyprobzzz" (I hate you) maybe you shouldn't be trying to figure out how you can pull off an SUV right now, ok?  Seriously, "moneyprobzz" and "I want an SUV" don't really connect together logically in my book.

Except, of course, it kind of does- I suspect that the reason why "Maddie" has "moneybrobzzz" is because she's very quick to translate her wants into realities, creating more...um..."moneyprobzzz."

Second- raise your hand if you'd just as soon never hear the word "hashtag" again.  I mean, can someone please come up with a shorthand for it?

Third- Why are people sending these tweets to Honda?  Is there some contest going on in which Honda is picking the ones which best butcher the English language to feature on their stupid ads?  Is there a free Honda involved?  Because who doesn't have moneyprobzzz now and then?

Fourth- Moneybrobzzz.  I really want to hurt you right now, Maddie.  But I'll take comfort in the idea that you will be suffering enough soon, having rushed off to Honda to sign up for a sweet lease deal on a new SUV.

Why I switched to Verizon

I don't think anyone's ever attempted to argue that Comcast isn't really easy to order.*  That's not really the point.  The problem comes after one has ordered, and it's time to deal with this crummy company and it's overpriced, underdelivered service.

Here's a conversation I had with Comcast back in January.  It's pretty much a carbon copy of a conversation I'd had with Comcast roughly every four months for the past six years.  And except for the occasional visit from a Comcast Technician who managed to spend an hour or so at and around my apartment to accomplish Absolutely Nothing, conversations like this pretty much summed up my six years of being a Comcast Customer.

John : My Issue: Intermittent service, very slow service.

user John has entered room

analyst Karen Rochelle has entered room

Karen Rochelle: Hello John, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Karen Rochelle. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Karen Rochelle: How are you doing today?

Karen Rochelle: I understand how it feels when the internet service is not working as it is supposed to. I know the urgency of this issue and since I have some troubleshooting steps in hand, I can definitely give you those. I will be very willing to go through this with you.

John : it took ten minutes to connect to your CHAT.

Karen Rochelle: Are you using a router or a wireless router?

John : My internet is actually working as it usually does with Comcast- on occasion, subject to blacking out at any time.

John : Here we go. I am using a wireless router

Karen Rochelle: How many computers are connected to your Comcast internet service?

John : One.

John : I have a script too, to go along with yours. It saves time. Do we get to the part where you ask me to unplug everything on page one, or is that page two?

Karen Rochelle: If you are currently using a router we will bypass the router.

Karen Rochelle: To check the actual speed from the modem straight to the computer hardwired.

John : ok go ahead and do that

Karen Rochelle: Do you have the account number with you?

John : no

Karen Rochelle: Can you please check the make and model of your modem?

John : I rent the modem from you. Why don't you look at my account and see an exact picture of the modem I am using? you asked for my phone number just before I started this chat

Karen Rochelle: We need to make sure that the modem you are using is same with what is in the account. Thank you!

analyst Karen Rochelle has left room

John : so your suspicion is that I've unplugged the modem that I'm renting from you and am using another one? Sure, that makes sense. Ok, hold on a second.

John : it's an Arris Modem, TM702G1CT

Karen Rochelle: No. We just need to make sure that its the same modem. Since you can not use a different modem as well.

Karen Rochelle: Thank you.

Karen Rochelle: Is the modem connected to computer?

Karen Rochelle: Without a third party device?

John : no, it is not connected to the computer.

Karen Rochelle: Please bypass the third party device and connect the modem straight to the computer using an ethernet cable.

user John has left room

user John has entered room

John : I just did that, and lost my connection. Just like the first dozen times someone from Comcast told me to do that

Karen Rochelle: Hi. I believe you have already bypassed the router.

Karen Rochelle: Right now are you connected hardwired to the modem?

John : no.....when I do that, I lose the connection entirely

Karen Rochelle: You will lost the connection but we will be re connected.

Karen Rochelle: Just make sure not to close this page.

John : and how long is that supposed to take?

John : ok I'll try again

Karen Rochelle: We need to have a direct connection from the modem to the computer.

Karen Rochelle: Thank you.

user John has left room

user John has entered room

Karen Rochelle: Hi.

Karen Rochelle: Did you already bypass the router?

John : yes

John : so are still connected?

Karen Rochelle: Thank you.

Karen Rochelle: Please run a speed test.

Karen Rochelle: You may use this link: http://speedtest.net/

John : I am not able to stay online long enough to run the speedtest, even when directly connected, the EasySolve window pops up- this is pathetic

John : $135 a month. For THIS.

Karen Rochelle: I perfectly understand you, John. I am a subscriber myself.

Karen Rochelle: However we need to isolate the router.

John : I think it's great that Comcast "understands." What I don't think is so great is the constant calls to Comcast to get it fixed, the visits, and the continued problems. I am connected directly, like you told me to. What do you want me to do now?

Karen Rochelle: Please run a speed test.

Karen Rochelle: You may open a different browser, make sure not to close this page.

John : wow, really? I just explained to you that the link you sent me won't open

Karen Rochelle: You may try it one more time.

John : I am trying again. It keeps Timing Out. Now I'm getting an adorable "Oops!" message.

Karen Rochelle: Did you open a different browser?

John : its working now

Karen Rochelle: Once its done please send the speed test result.

John : download speed 53.18

John : PING 12

John : upload 10.71

Karen Rochelle: Thank you for running the test.

Karen Rochelle: I would like to inform you that you do have Blast Internet Service on your account: upload speed of 20Mb - 25Mb and a download speed of 2Mb- 4Mb. .

John : yes I know- "Blast" here seems to be shorthand for "the internet, sometimes, when we feel like connecting you"

John : sounds to me like I am paying for a service I am not getting

analyst Karen Rochelle has left room

Karen Rochelle: That means to say you are getting what you are supposed to get.

Karen Rochelle: All we need to do is to update and synchronize your equipments. I will also be refreshing your line which might cause some disruption in this chat. But it would just be for a couple of seconds. Okay?

John : sure

Karen Rochelle: Thank you.

user John has left room

user John has entered room

Karen Rochelle: Hi, are you still with me? I can see here that you have successfully entered the chat room. I'm still here to assist you.

John : yes I am here

Karen Rochelle: I have just completed the process from my end, . I have refreshed your modem's connection from the system, sent signals to the modem which also corrected any errors that's in the network and ensures a faster and stable connection.

user John has left room

user John has entered room

John : so can I unplug now?

Karen Rochelle: Not yet.

Karen Rochelle: We need to observe the connection for atleast 24 hours.

user John has left room

user John has entered room

user John has left room

user John has entered room

John : ok

Karen Rochelle: Please make sure there are no loose wirings.

Karen Rochelle: If you are not experiencing any service drop and you have a stable speed that means its a third party issue.

John : so what now?

Karen Rochelle: I greatly appreciate your patience and cooperation. Before we part ways, I want to make sure that we have covered everything. Is there anything else you need to discuss with? I will be more than willing to address them for you.

John : how long am I supposed to keep this directly plugged in?

Karen Rochelle: For 24 hours please.

John : so at 445 tomorrow I can unplug it? and then what? My computer is going to go to sleep long before that

user John has left room

user John has entered room

John : I am getting dropped every few minutes

The chat session has been closed

analyst Karen Rochelle has left room

user John has left room

Karen Rochelle: Analyst has closed chat and left the room

And user John has now dumped Comcast.  I'm so unreasonable.

*I do like the way this guy orders internet service while his Significant Other is sound asleep next to him in bed.  Just a girlfriend who decided to spend the night?  Because seriously, if that's his wife, isn't this something they should discuss before purchasing?