What planet am I on?

"THIS year, I'm think I'll ask EMILY to the dance."

1.  "THIS" year?  What is this kid, ten years old?

2.  "I think I'll ask EMILY to the dance"- how many dances has this kid been to?  Seriously, do schools start throwing dances in kindergarten now?

3.  Maybe I'm confused, and this is actually a 50-year old man who just LOOKS like a kid.  After all, that would explain why he's trying out 35-year old dance moves in front of his mirror.

I mean, what the hell?

Warning: Watching may result in episodes of uncontrollable rage among some bloggers

Every time I see these commercials, I mentally take a sledgehammer to the faces of the grinning idiots in them.  Maybe it's because I think anyone who gets this much delight at the anticipation of eating the disgusting non-food served up by McDonalds totally deserves it.  Or maybe I just think McDonalds is really good at finding the most revoltingly horrible people to appear in it's ads.  Whatever it is, it's true of every single McDonalds commercial I see.  They make me want to hurt people- specific people.  These people.

If you find yourself happily chewing on "meaty, melty McCheeses" or sucking down "McFrappes" from the "McCafe" (gag) you have no taste, you have no sense, and unless you also have no money, you have no excuse for your terrible behavior and should be ashamed of yourself.  If you engage in some kind of intensely stupid frolicking behavior like the people in the second ad do, you need to ask someone to shoot you in your face.  Even if I could let everything else slide, I'm not excusing the unjustifiable fist-pump at the end of the second ad.  I mean, WTF?

I'm sure it doesn't mean I have a problem.  I don't know why I hate these commercials so much, but I do know it's not that.

And oh, by the way- it's pronounced FRAP.  I know "Frappe" makes it sound all foreign and worth more money and that's why you pronounce it like that, but it's FRAP.  Morons.

Coming Next: A Force Field Which Throws me five hundred feet into a pit of broken glass

Well, here's something to be grateful for.  Maybe someday I'll be in a horrible accident which takes my life, because I drive a 10-year old Honda Civic (as befits my station.)  I can live with that.

What I can't live with is the idea that my accident might also cause injury or even death to people who are far, far better than I am, like this beautiful couple cruising around in their Infiniti.  I were ever responsible for even causing a dent or scratch on their lovely car, or inconveniencing them in any way, I would HOPE that my accident was a fatal one, because I would not be able to live with myself.

So I am so very glad that these Far Superior people can afford a car which protects them from the kind of event on the highway which, in a Just World, should only threaten inferior proles like myself.  It makes me feel better about having the audacity to share the road with them.  I'm still quite certain I don't deserve the honor, but at least I know I'm a lot less likely to damage their grilles with my stupid ugly face.

It also makes me feel good to know that scientists are relentless in their pursuit of new innovations which will allow the very rich among us to live longer lives despite the fact that they are constantly surrounded by trolls like me.   If it makes you feel any better, Very Rich People, we aren't breeding as fast as we used to, and more and more of us have been reduced to using public transportation.  But until we are out of your way altogether, Infiniti will be there for you.  Thank God.

Reality Check: You are an easily-manipulated Addict

Something dies in my soul every time I watch these pathetic douchenozzles basically explain to me that they realized that their lives were not worth living when they noticed that some of their friends had cooler, flashier electronic toys.

"I couldn't get email, I couldn't steam movies, I couldn't upload any videos..." oh boo f--ing hoo, you poor deprived suffering ones.  Here are two big pieces of wood, some nails and a hammer; build yourself a cross and attach yourself to it, if you can manage the project without finding a YouTube video with step by step instructions.

Seriously, I am so damned sick of these commercials and their attempts to convince me that I'm living in the f--ing stone age if I can't watch movies on my phone or take photos and instantly upload them (or is it download them?) to for all the world to see (or not.)  I wish Verizon, AT&T and the rest would just admit that they are not selling anything vital, and that more "connectivity" and "faster speeds" really means nothing more than "crap, faster."

But who am I kidding?  Just look at these people, especially the one woman who sounds like she's risking complete social isolation from her friends if she doesn't upgrade.  These idiots are all hooked, and never mind that what they consider blindingly fast today they'll call agonizingly slow next year.  Losers.

"Don't like it? Well, you know where the kitchen is, make your own damn breakfast!"

For all the stupid grins and satisfied looks, I'll put real down real money that what this guy is actually thinking is "Jesus, this is why you insisted on the $10,000 kitchen makeover?  So you could send me off to work with an f---ng McMuffin?  Two dollars worth of garbage from the McDonalds down the street before I spend ten hours in an office while you spend the day watching soaps and shopping on Haute Look.com?"

"Well, at least I can finally say I've eaten a decent breakfast in this apartment."

And that the woman here is thinking is "you think you own me?  You think I'm your f--ng handmaiden and I'm going to just cook and clean for you, Mr. Career Guy?  Well here's what I think of that- while you were spending an hour getting ready for another day in your exciting World Outside This Apartment, I got the doorman to run over to McDonalds to buy you exactly two dollars worth of crap- a muffin and a coffee.  Because that's what you're worth."

I don't remember grandma having a Chocolate Wonderfall, but I'm sure she did.

Who's got comfort food like grandma used to make?  Who's got food like people used to actually cook before they got pathetically lazy like us?  Why, the answer is America's Favorite Feeding Trough, Golden Corral, of course!

Remember when your grandma used to serve up endless piles of pot roast, fried chicken, orange macaroni and cheese?  Remember the mountains of tasteless mashed potatoes and sludge gravy?  And remember how every Thanksgiving she'd put out a vat of drumsticks and another of sliced rubbery cranberry sauce?  Remember that?

Remember how you'd eat so many rolls, using the last couple to sop up that gravy- you'd have to unbutton your pants?  That was awesome.  How can we get those days back?  What's the matter, being morbidly obese effect your hearing?  I told you already- Golden Corral!

And this is even better than grandma's place- here you can end your night of binge eating by sticking marshmallows, cookies and your fingers into Hershey's chocolate syrup and give yourself a nice little energy boost (you'll need it to prevent your slipping into a diabetic coma, fine at grandma's but kind of hard when people expect you to drive home later) by shoving your hand into a cotton candy machine!!  You'll feel like a kid again- a big, fat, disgusting kid with no pride, dignity or common sense!

And when you are finally done shoving all the greasy, cheap warm food which kind of reminds you of the stuff grandma used to make (please don't say so out loud, we don't need grandma spinning in her grave or coming back to haunt you for desecrating her memory) down your cake hole, you'll feel Comfortable knowing that while your night of Comfort food did plenty of unseen damage to your internal organs, it went pretty light on the wallet.  Around ten bucks- awesome!  We don't have to make this an annual thing, kids!  We can gorge ourselves on meat loaf, fried shrimp (is there any other kind?) and macaroons on a regular basis!

And here's another Comforting thought- back when you went to grandma's place, you followed dinner with a lot of dish-washing and maybe some yard work or a game of touch football or a walk in the park.  Now you can just go home and get back to your Netflix account or catch up on what was recorded on your DVR.  Like I said before- Better than a trip to Grandmas!

Add "Camping" to the list of things McDonalds has no idea how to portray in its ads

This commercial is entitled "camp," but when I see it I don't find myself thinking "camp." More like "trailer park."

Because after all, it's kind of hard for me to imagine that not only did these people decide to go "camping" in the middle of a gravel pit using ugly 1960s-era campers (the most god-awful uncomfortable things ever invented, believe me) but that they think that a quick trip to the McDonalds drive-thru to stock up on dollar menu items somehow goes along with "camping."

On the other hand, sending someone from the trailer park to grab a bag of warm grease after scrounging up a few bucks works very well with me.  If I ignore the "camp" title, this commercial is perfectly logical.  I'll even excuse the lack of screaming, half-naked children and the fact that everyone in this ad seems to have plenty of teeth.

Even ignoring the "camp" title, I still want to sock every single person featured here right in the mouth.  I don't know why- maybe it's the stupid slow-motion bit.  Or the fact that they are all gaping at each other like they've never seen other human life forms before this moment.  Or that this group is so obviously balanced in terms of race and sexuality but (as usual) not age. Or maybe subconsciously I really can't ignore that McDonalds wants us to think these people are camping.  There's just no figuring some things, I guess.