Never mind a new phone; what this guy really needs is a better grade of friends

Or maybe just a hammer to smash the smarmy dick he's sitting with in the face.

I really don't know why the narrator for this steaming pile of cow dung doesn't just use the pitch line "just upgrade your phone every time you meet someone with a slightly better one, because you are a pathetic, spineless, soulless moron whose entire self-worth depends on how someone with a Please Punch Me beard views your phone."

I also don't know why any actual adult would fall for this crap.  I wish the Crestfallen-for-No-Reason loser who stars in all these "Upgrade every five minutes just because" ads would just reply "my phone works fine, and only a severely damaged douchenozzle or an eight-year old boy would feel threatened by someone with an allegedly 'better' phone."  Or, if he wanted to be extra snarky, he could go with "does having a phone two months younger than mine really compensate for the fact that you have no hair?"

Actually, I wish he would just pick up a chair and brain him with it.  Because there's never a hammer available when you really need one, is there?

Attach it to your ear for the next time you forget to screw your freaking head on

You know, I can just see people ordering dozens of these to help them find their phones, which had "tiles" attached to them but then couldn't be found because...they needed the app on their lost phones to find the lost "tiles."

So maybe instead of buying more "tiles," these just became an excuse to buy more phones to use to find the phones which had "tiles" attached?

I can also see people slipping these into their toddler's pocket so they can chat and text away at the park and not worry about what Little Brittany is doing on the swings because after all, when I want to find Little Brittany (it will be a while) all I have to do is use the app on my phone, and no I won't be losing my phone because that's what was distracting me from watching Little Brittany.

I think I'll get myself an I Phone and about 100 of these things and just drop them everywhere- in the park, out the window while I drive, around the school- and every once in a while I'll just make a game of seeing where my "tiles" are and what they are up to.  Hopefully they'll be picked up and be taken to some  awesome places.

Or maybe not.  I can see this becoming depressing kind of quickly, actually.  Oh look, one of my "tiles" ended up in Vegas.  Another one seems to be living in a trade rat's nest.  One seems to be underground, waiting to be gnawed at by a squirrel this winter.  Some idiot put another one on a key chain and seems to be spending a lot of time at Starbucks with it.  Still another is apparently being used as a replacement for the letter Q on a Scrabble board, and one appears to be functioning as a poker chip.  What they all have in common is that they are having more interesting lives than I am.  I think I'll order one of those key finders that don't go off when you whistle, instead.  At least then, when I can't find my keys, I won't be angry that my "tiles" are having more fun than I am.

What planet am I on?

"THIS year, I'm think I'll ask EMILY to the dance."

1.  "THIS" year?  What is this kid, ten years old?

2.  "I think I'll ask EMILY to the dance"- how many dances has this kid been to?  Seriously, do schools start throwing dances in kindergarten now?

3.  Maybe I'm confused, and this is actually a 50-year old man who just LOOKS like a kid.  After all, that would explain why he's trying out 35-year old dance moves in front of his mirror.

I mean, what the hell?

Warning: Watching may result in episodes of uncontrollable rage among some bloggers

Every time I see these commercials, I mentally take a sledgehammer to the faces of the grinning idiots in them.  Maybe it's because I think anyone who gets this much delight at the anticipation of eating the disgusting non-food served up by McDonalds totally deserves it.  Or maybe I just think McDonalds is really good at finding the most revoltingly horrible people to appear in it's ads.  Whatever it is, it's true of every single McDonalds commercial I see.  They make me want to hurt people- specific people.  These people.

If you find yourself happily chewing on "meaty, melty McCheeses" or sucking down "McFrappes" from the "McCafe" (gag) you have no taste, you have no sense, and unless you also have no money, you have no excuse for your terrible behavior and should be ashamed of yourself.  If you engage in some kind of intensely stupid frolicking behavior like the people in the second ad do, you need to ask someone to shoot you in your face.  Even if I could let everything else slide, I'm not excusing the unjustifiable fist-pump at the end of the second ad.  I mean, WTF?

I'm sure it doesn't mean I have a problem.  I don't know why I hate these commercials so much, but I do know it's not that.

And oh, by the way- it's pronounced FRAP.  I know "Frappe" makes it sound all foreign and worth more money and that's why you pronounce it like that, but it's FRAP.  Morons.

Coming Next: A Force Field Which Throws me five hundred feet into a pit of broken glass

Well, here's something to be grateful for.  Maybe someday I'll be in a horrible accident which takes my life, because I drive a 10-year old Honda Civic (as befits my station.)  I can live with that.

What I can't live with is the idea that my accident might also cause injury or even death to people who are far, far better than I am, like this beautiful couple cruising around in their Infiniti.  I were ever responsible for even causing a dent or scratch on their lovely car, or inconveniencing them in any way, I would HOPE that my accident was a fatal one, because I would not be able to live with myself.

So I am so very glad that these Far Superior people can afford a car which protects them from the kind of event on the highway which, in a Just World, should only threaten inferior proles like myself.  It makes me feel better about having the audacity to share the road with them.  I'm still quite certain I don't deserve the honor, but at least I know I'm a lot less likely to damage their grilles with my stupid ugly face.

It also makes me feel good to know that scientists are relentless in their pursuit of new innovations which will allow the very rich among us to live longer lives despite the fact that they are constantly surrounded by trolls like me.   If it makes you feel any better, Very Rich People, we aren't breeding as fast as we used to, and more and more of us have been reduced to using public transportation.  But until we are out of your way altogether, Infiniti will be there for you.  Thank God.

Reality Check: You are an easily-manipulated Addict

Something dies in my soul every time I watch these pathetic douchenozzles basically explain to me that they realized that their lives were not worth living when they noticed that some of their friends had cooler, flashier electronic toys.

"I couldn't get email, I couldn't steam movies, I couldn't upload any videos..." oh boo f--ing hoo, you poor deprived suffering ones.  Here are two big pieces of wood, some nails and a hammer; build yourself a cross and attach yourself to it, if you can manage the project without finding a YouTube video with step by step instructions.

Seriously, I am so damned sick of these commercials and their attempts to convince me that I'm living in the f--ing stone age if I can't watch movies on my phone or take photos and instantly upload them (or is it download them?) to for all the world to see (or not.)  I wish Verizon, AT&T and the rest would just admit that they are not selling anything vital, and that more "connectivity" and "faster speeds" really means nothing more than "crap, faster."

But who am I kidding?  Just look at these people, especially the one woman who sounds like she's risking complete social isolation from her friends if she doesn't upgrade.  These idiots are all hooked, and never mind that what they consider blindingly fast today they'll call agonizingly slow next year.  Losers.

"Don't like it? Well, you know where the kitchen is, make your own damn breakfast!"

For all the stupid grins and satisfied looks, I'll put real down real money that what this guy is actually thinking is "Jesus, this is why you insisted on the $10,000 kitchen makeover?  So you could send me off to work with an f---ng McMuffin?  Two dollars worth of garbage from the McDonalds down the street before I spend ten hours in an office while you spend the day watching soaps and shopping on Haute Look.com?"

"Well, at least I can finally say I've eaten a decent breakfast in this apartment."

And that the woman here is thinking is "you think you own me?  You think I'm your f--ng handmaiden and I'm going to just cook and clean for you, Mr. Career Guy?  Well here's what I think of that- while you were spending an hour getting ready for another day in your exciting World Outside This Apartment, I got the doorman to run over to McDonalds to buy you exactly two dollars worth of crap- a muffin and a coffee.  Because that's what you're worth."