The latest in Do It Yourself Diagnosis

Doctors, Shmoctors.  It's 2013, who needs 'em?

After all, we've had more than a decade of big pharma commercials successfully convincing us that every ache and pain COULD be the sign of a More Serious Condition, so we should "ask" our doctor about this or that very expensive medication with six pages of possible horrible side effects.  (By "ask," of course, the ads really mean "demand that your doctor prescribes this if he doesn't want to face a lawsuit or the loss of a gullible customer.")

We've skipped the obvious next step- in-home blood tests- and gone straight to DNA mapping through the mail.  And what do these DNA tests tell you?  Well, if you listen to the spokeschoads, nothing less than Who You Are.  "This is Me" the chirpy idiot tells us.  Um, ok.  Now what?

"So THAT'S why I sneeze" another severely damaged, bored human being with $99 burning a hole in his pocket adds.  Same question to this guy- Ok, now what?  Now that you've paid some bullshit company a chunk of money to give you a lot of really pointless, non-helpful information, what exactly are you going to do with it?

"This is not a substitute for professional medical advice."  Ah, so that's the answer.  You are going to take this "information" and-- go to a doctor.  A doctor who, if he is worth the diploma on the wall, is going to set aside your pages of "test results" and take some of your blood and urine and check it out himself, making your idiot episode with "23 and Me" a waste of money AND time.  Congratulations.

Seriously, what is the matter with you morons?  Ran out of leaves to click on Ancestory.Com, got tired of being reminded that nobody is looking for you BeenVerified.com?  Simply can't bring yourself to give just a little bit of that money you clearly don't need to charity?  Because this has GOT to be the very height of self-absorption, don't you think?

Questions I'd like to Ask Jan

Dear Toyota Lunatic,

What the hell are you on?

Did you ever want more than this?  I mean, you act like you've achieved the dream of a lifetime, sitting behind a desk at a Toyota dealership waiting to respond with a chirpy "Hi I'm Jan" to every idiot who walks in the door?  When you were voted Miss Congeniality in High School, did they tell you that this was the kind of career you had waiting for you- spokeschoad for a stupid car company in a bunch of stupid commercials in an ad campaign which will not be missed for one moment when it ends?

If you are such a great people person, why aren't you actually selling cars instead of basically performing the same job as an elderly Wal Mart greeter?  Why are you the person the Guys come to when they are looking for a fork?  (What kind of bs sexist crap is that, anyway?  Is it because you are the "Girl" working at this Toyota Dealership, and finding utensils for the Guys is just what Girls do?)

Come to think of it, why aren't you putting your awesomely bubbly people skills to work negotiating hostage situations or talking depressed citizens off of ledges?

Do they ever let you stand up?  And if they do, are you wearing pants?

PS- "See more of Jan?"  Um, pass.

A Murder-Suicide would come as a welcome relief to this...err..."family"

1.  What is more horrible here- that everyone in this commercial acts like a brain-dead zombie as they mock Dad's obsessive bragging about getting a "great deal" on a Volkswagen RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, or

2. That Teenaged daughter can't even look up from her texting long enough to look the guy who provides her with everything she has (including that f--ing phone) in the eyes as she re-invents the term "no respect?"  or

3.  That Son does her one better with his "good one, dad," or

4.  Dad seems totally clueless to the fact that he's bored his family into a coma and that they are apparently ten seconds away from spontaneously turning on him with their steak knives, if only they can work up the energy?

Oh, and BTW- what the hell is that kid's name?  Dolf?  Dalt?

Never mind a new phone; what this guy really needs is a better grade of friends

Or maybe just a hammer to smash the smarmy dick he's sitting with in the face.

I really don't know why the narrator for this steaming pile of cow dung doesn't just use the pitch line "just upgrade your phone every time you meet someone with a slightly better one, because you are a pathetic, spineless, soulless moron whose entire self-worth depends on how someone with a Please Punch Me beard views your phone."

I also don't know why any actual adult would fall for this crap.  I wish the Crestfallen-for-No-Reason loser who stars in all these "Upgrade every five minutes just because" ads would just reply "my phone works fine, and only a severely damaged douchenozzle or an eight-year old boy would feel threatened by someone with an allegedly 'better' phone."  Or, if he wanted to be extra snarky, he could go with "does having a phone two months younger than mine really compensate for the fact that you have no hair?"

Actually, I wish he would just pick up a chair and brain him with it.  Because there's never a hammer available when you really need one, is there?

Attach it to your ear for the next time you forget to screw your freaking head on

You know, I can just see people ordering dozens of these to help them find their phones, which had "tiles" attached to them but then couldn't be found because...they needed the app on their lost phones to find the lost "tiles."

So maybe instead of buying more "tiles," these just became an excuse to buy more phones to use to find the phones which had "tiles" attached?

I can also see people slipping these into their toddler's pocket so they can chat and text away at the park and not worry about what Little Brittany is doing on the swings because after all, when I want to find Little Brittany (it will be a while) all I have to do is use the app on my phone, and no I won't be losing my phone because that's what was distracting me from watching Little Brittany.

I think I'll get myself an I Phone and about 100 of these things and just drop them everywhere- in the park, out the window while I drive, around the school- and every once in a while I'll just make a game of seeing where my "tiles" are and what they are up to.  Hopefully they'll be picked up and be taken to some  awesome places.

Or maybe not.  I can see this becoming depressing kind of quickly, actually.  Oh look, one of my "tiles" ended up in Vegas.  Another one seems to be living in a trade rat's nest.  One seems to be underground, waiting to be gnawed at by a squirrel this winter.  Some idiot put another one on a key chain and seems to be spending a lot of time at Starbucks with it.  Still another is apparently being used as a replacement for the letter Q on a Scrabble board, and one appears to be functioning as a poker chip.  What they all have in common is that they are having more interesting lives than I am.  I think I'll order one of those key finders that don't go off when you whistle, instead.  At least then, when I can't find my keys, I won't be angry that my "tiles" are having more fun than I am.

What planet am I on?

"THIS year, I'm think I'll ask EMILY to the dance."

1.  "THIS" year?  What is this kid, ten years old?

2.  "I think I'll ask EMILY to the dance"- how many dances has this kid been to?  Seriously, do schools start throwing dances in kindergarten now?

3.  Maybe I'm confused, and this is actually a 50-year old man who just LOOKS like a kid.  After all, that would explain why he's trying out 35-year old dance moves in front of his mirror.

I mean, what the hell?

Warning: Watching may result in episodes of uncontrollable rage among some bloggers

Every time I see these commercials, I mentally take a sledgehammer to the faces of the grinning idiots in them.  Maybe it's because I think anyone who gets this much delight at the anticipation of eating the disgusting non-food served up by McDonalds totally deserves it.  Or maybe I just think McDonalds is really good at finding the most revoltingly horrible people to appear in it's ads.  Whatever it is, it's true of every single McDonalds commercial I see.  They make me want to hurt people- specific people.  These people.

If you find yourself happily chewing on "meaty, melty McCheeses" or sucking down "McFrappes" from the "McCafe" (gag) you have no taste, you have no sense, and unless you also have no money, you have no excuse for your terrible behavior and should be ashamed of yourself.  If you engage in some kind of intensely stupid frolicking behavior like the people in the second ad do, you need to ask someone to shoot you in your face.  Even if I could let everything else slide, I'm not excusing the unjustifiable fist-pump at the end of the second ad.  I mean, WTF?

I'm sure it doesn't mean I have a problem.  I don't know why I hate these commercials so much, but I do know it's not that.

And oh, by the way- it's pronounced FRAP.  I know "Frappe" makes it sound all foreign and worth more money and that's why you pronounce it like that, but it's FRAP.  Morons.