Finish This Commercial!

My favorite fantasy endings:

1.  The bodies of these two 1%-er jackanapes are found several days later, because they forgot that while it's nice to have a phone with a powerful battery while stranded on a desert island, a supply of fresh water is even better.

2.  When the battery DOES die before help can arrive, these two disgusting dickwads reconsider their decision to waste it on a Virtual Fireplace App as they stare impending death in the face.

3.  When a summoned rescue team gets word that this couple needs an assist, they remember that they parked their gold Lexus SUV straddling two spaces at the marina and decide to let them rot, let's see how much their money comforts them now, the privileged dicks.

4.  When a fishing excursion accidentally stumbles across the crab-infested corpses of these Formerly Beautiful People, it's amazed and impressed at the fact that the phone lasted longer than the FBPs did.

Fox's "new" comedy

This fall, coming to FOX!!

Just in case there was anyone out there in tv land who wasn't already convinced that American males in their thirtysomethings weren't classless, tasteless, brainless, sex-obsessed lunatics who couldn't tie their shoes and chew gum at the same time unless there was a strong, sexy, smart woman around to assist, we present a---umm..."new" comedy, DADS!!

Though the show features new---ummm...."stars," you'll love it because it will all seem strangely, comfortingly familiar!  Idiot guys making obvious, juvenile sex jokes!  Hot women simultaneously disgusted yet inexplicably attracted to Said Idiot Guys!  Everyone living in huge apartments or houses which do not in any way equate with the jobs of the occupants!

And we aren't promising anything but....think there won't be a precocious kid popping in here and there?  Really?  Did you stop watching television in 1960, or what?

So sit back and enjoy 22 minutes of scruffy, stupid men who are allegedly friends tossing unnecessary, unproductive barbs at each other in between leering at women who are Obviously Way Too Good For Them!  If you can't be in front of your tv, don't forget to set your DVR, 'cause you won't want to miss this---ummm---"original" new offering from Fox!  We'd hate to think that you ever get over your impression that every man on television is a slovenly, witless douchenozzle who misplaced his razor weeks ago and is clearly not ready to be out on his own yet!

And I can remember thinking My Two Dads was bottom-of-the-barrel dreck.  Oh, where have you gone, Paul Reiser?

I'd like to tell Toyota where they can go

I wish that all the wannabee poets and songwriters who write car commercials could be jammed into the same cannon and launched into the same damned jagged rock, myself.

I also wish that Toyota would stop trying to convince us that their cars can take us places no other cars can.  Jesus, they are cars.  They've got four wheels, seats, steering and braking devices.  They are all capable of cruising down the same damn highways as all other cars.  Get the hell over yourselves already.

And while we are at it- hey, Toyota?  When people are driving Toyotas, they are sitting still.  At most, their activity level rises to include adjusting the stereo or consulting the onboard GPS.  Stop trying to convince us that flying past interesting-looking things somehow equates to doing interesting things.  And while we are on the subject,

99.99% of Toyota owners will never, ever use their cars to crash through streams (and that's a good thing) or really do ANYTHING except get from Boring Point A to Boring Point B.  When I want to see the woods, I walk through them.  When I want to see the top of a mountain, I climb up it.  When I want to buy a new car, I don't think "ok, will this one get me where I want to go?" because THEY ALL WILL.  I don't spend a whole lot of time thinking "gee, I'd like to do this cool thing someday- but what kind of automobile can handle the trip?"  Because if I need a rugged vehicle to do something, it's something I want to do ON MY OWN POWER THANKS ANYWAY.

Simply put- I'm not interested in slapping a "This Car Climbed Pike's Peak" sticker on my car's bumper.  I AM interested in someday putting a "I Climbed Pike's Peak" sticker on my backpack.

I'll conclude by wishing Toyota would just STFU and stop selling us the ludicrous idea that a car is some kind of magical vehicle which allows us to jump rainbows and make our miserable lives just a little more bearable.  Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for another long walk.

Wake me up when September ends

Here's another Burlington Back to...ahem..."school" ad.  There are about half a dozen of these flooding the airwaves this week, and they all have the same message: Ten year old kids are anxious to look really hot this year so they can attract members of the opposite sex.

Personally, I'd rather watch another 200 "where'd you get that showy piece of junk? OFFICE DEPOT!" ads than even one more of these Little Kids Trying to be Fashion Plates nuggets of crud.  Really makes me appreciate my school's dress code.  And that the boys and girls are separated by about three miles.

Lincoln Concierge Commercials- Because there's no such thing as Too Much Hate

If it were my ambition to be a self-satisfied, entitled douchenozzle, I guess that would include someday actually "booking" a test drive from my luxury apartment or multimillion-dollar suburban palace while my model spouse lounged about wondering what pricey bauble SHE would be picking out- with the help of a concierge (HULK SMASH!) of course.

Hey, buddy in the second commercial- do I want to punch you in your stupid-ass Rich But Dammit Not Everyone Knows It Yet face?  "Absolutely!"

Hey, "concierge" in the first commercial- did you ever want something more out of your life than a job which requires you to kiss the butts of these disgustingly wealthy, spoiled assmonkeys?  I wouldn't be surprised if the answer is "no"- it sure looks to me like you've had a successful soul removal.

And hey, potential buyers of this flashy LookAtMeMobile- I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you have no idea that there are hungry people dependent on soup kitchens for their one meal a day, probably in your own city (though certainly not anywhere near your own Cul-de-Sac.)  There are schools FAIRLY close to where you live in need of extra supplies.  If you aren't in to the whole "Think Locally" thing, there are lots of suffering people (3 billion or so, give or take a hundred million) who need the cash burning a hole in your pocket a HELL of a lot more than your local Lincoln dealer.   Oh, but using your money to make life a little more bearable for a total stranger won't make people turn their heads while you slowly drive past, so I guess that wouldn't appeal to you loathsome choads, would it?

The Age of Guillotines can't return fast enough for me.

On the other hand, I've heard that He's not that thrilled with It's Just Lunch

Anyone else have a hard time believing that Lindsay was unable to meet guys without the use of a dating website?

Anyone else agree with Justin's take that "without Christian Mingle, I don't see how we ever would have met?"  Because yeah, Justin- Lindsay could have done a lot better.

Then again, if you start from the premise that your god 2000 years ago sent himself to be sacrificed (to himself)  to erase a situation he created (governed by rules he created) which he knew would be created (being all-knowing and all,) you probably have no problem believing that same god was just waiting for someone to invent the internet, and then invent websites, and then invent Christian Mingle, so he'd have a way of bringing two medieval-minded idiots who want to have sanctioned sex which leads to Blessed Little MiraclesTM who grow up to be just as vapid and backward as you are.  Congratulations- while it's true that a fool and his money are soon parted, it seems that it's easier than ever for a fool to find another fool to produce even more fools with.

Dunkin Donuts wants to kill it's customers slowly and deliciously.

My favorite part of this DD ad is the comparison of this hybrid doughnut/sandwich/burger monstrosity to DD's "healthy" turkey sausage and chicken salad offerings.  Anyone who thought that they were eating "healthy" by consuming ANYTHING produced at Dunkin Donuts was being naive, or living the dream, in the first place.

It's also becoming pretty clear that DD is not going to let KFC get too far ahead in the Outrageous Food That Will Kill You Before You Get Back To the Parking Lot marketplace.  Bacon and cheese held together by slices of fried chicken?  Well, we gotta admit, that's tough to top- hey, how about eggs, sausage and cheese between glazed doughnuts?

Whichever you choose, I really think that these places ought to at least keep ambulances standing by.  Seriously, though, I am 100 percent in favor of massive taxes on any food item which fits in one wrapper yet manages to contain at least three of the following- cheese, fried chicken, eggs, bacon, ground beef and doughnuts.  Heck, big surcharges on salt and frying medium could increase the lifespan of the average American by ten years (and decrease the waistband of the average American by three inches.)

Meanwhile, I invite you to enjoy an episode of Art Imitates Life, courtesy of the Simpsons, circa 1990.  Matt Groening is an absolute prophet, wouldn't you say?