Fifteen minutes. Over. Go Away Now.

I'm not sure this particular campaign for Wendy's Slightly Better than Burger King, Not As Good As Quiznos' sandwich offerings is even a year old yet, but I've had enough.

I never wanted to see this woman singing the praises of cheap, disgustingly fattening beef-and-salt-based food products.  I sure as hell don't care to see her rapping or ogling for someone's camera phone or whatever she's trying to pull off here.  If I was into Twitter, she'd be the last person on Earth I would be interested in Tweeting with.

I really just want her to get off my television and continue down her chosen path to "whatever happened to.." oblivion.  I imagine she'll show up on a sitcom first, then move on to some Survivor-type reality tv show.  That's fine.  Or, at least it's better than seeing her stupid chirpy mug show up every commercial break to whore for Wendy's.

And could she please take Flo with her?

Four or five of these, and you are set until lunch

Other breakfast ideas for under 200 calories-

A cup of yogurt.

Black coffee and a graham cracker.

Half a grapefruit.

A cup of Quaker instant oatmeal (I like the maple flavor, myself.)

Any single Slim-Fast product.

Carnation Instant Breakfast.

What do all of these things have in common with Subway's awesome new 200 Calories Or Less breakfast sandwiches?  Simple- they will all leave you just as desperately hungry by 9 AM.   You'll be deficient in your daily recommended allowance of junk, but otherwise, no difference.

If you can take advantage of this offer, you don't NEED this offer. Thanks anyway, Expedia.

You know, I consider myself a rather spontaneous person.  Call me and say "hey meet me in fifteen minutes, we'll do something," and chances are I'll be there.  Seriously.  Try me.

Seriously.

Ok, back to this commercial:  I'm spontaneous, but I'm also not in total control of my life, 24/7.  If some Expedia choad walked up to me and offered a "great deal" on a trip to China, but I had to go right now, guess what?  I'd love to go to China.  But I've also got a job and other responsibilities.

Ok, just a job.  But I can't just say "sure, let's go" and call school from the freaking cab as I head off to the airport.  I'm sure the school would be just fine with my sudden decision to fly off to China.  I'm sure they'd also remember my being AWOL for that week when it comes time to reconsider my contract.

So, who is Expedia trying to reach with ads like this?  People who have nothing but time on their hands, who are unemployed (yet have plenty of money to do stuff in other countries, if only they could get a great deal on a flight) or have such flexible schedules that hey, I've got this opportunity to go to the other side of the planet so toodles see you next week?  Seems to me that if you fit either of these categories, you really don't need Expedia.

This is what I would say to the Expedia guy- "hey, it's nice that you are offering me a good deal on a flight to China.  But I work for a living, and I've got people outside of work who depend on me and I can't just drop everything to go.  Ok, that thing about people outside of work isn't true, but I still can't just drop my classes and leave, deal or no deal.  So if you can't offer me a decent price AND enough notice, what good are you?"

I just don't get Capitalism, I guess

I mean, I understand the basics- come up with an idea, then use the readily-available population of desperate, hungry people who just want to survive and exploit them for all they are worth to make your dream (of being disgustingly wealthy) a reality.  I get that Capitalism  has gone through an evolution over the past several thousand years, from Serfdom to outright slavery to promotion of unlimited immigration and finally, when workers in Western nations got too damned uppity with their unions and minimum wages and weekends and holidays and unemployment insurance and other such MarxistSocialistFascist Takers not Makers ideas, the outsourcing of the whole thing to nations with more pliable (desperate, hungry, unorganized) people.  See?  I get the concept.

The part I don't understand is the Providing a Service People Need bit.  At some point, someone walked into a bank and asked for a business start-up loan based on the theory that people are in constant need of party supplies.  And the bank said "sure, that sounds like a great idea."  Maybe "I'll hire only uneducated but hard-working people eager to take whatever they are offered because they want to eat" was part of the pitch.  Maybe "I'll buy my stock from Vietnam, China and Pakistan because almost all of it is disposable, Use Once And Throw Away crap anyway, so the markup will make my store successful if I can manage two customers a day" sealed the deal.   Like I said, I don't get this part.  I've worked in retail-- I managed a video rental store (remember those?) to pay my way through grad school--but that doesn't make me an MBA.

From now on, whenever I hear some whiny, greedy jerk call in to a radio show to complain that ObamaCare is denying him his God-given right to 100 percent of the take from his "small business," I'll think of PartyCity and wonder if he's blaming his lack of success on the wrong thing.  Hey, buddy- maybe you are just trying to provide a service in a saturated market.  Maybe you miscalculated the demand.  Maybe you had unrealistic expectations of instant wealth through the hard work of your employees.  Maybe you are just thrashing around for someone to point a finger at to explain why your Pudding Delivery Idea doesn't seem to be catching fire.

I'll also think of Spatula City.  Because it makes me happy, and it seems to fit, somehow.

Another point of personal privilege: Ranting at Google

Almost five years ago, I started this blog with Google, mainly because it was very easy to maneuver through and set up even for a Luddite like myself.  I also didn't expect I would actually keep the blog up for very long, but would become bored with it over time and let it die on the vine with 99 percent of all other blogs on the Interwebs.

But it turned out that there were a lot more really, really bad commercials out there, and they just kept coming, so almost five years later I can still churn out twenty or so posts a month.  And I even managed to make a little money by using AdSense for a while, until some idiots thought they would be "helpful" by clicking away at every ad until a big red flag started waving in Google's face.  Goodbye AdSense, goodbye not essential but very welcome cash every few months.

Then came the glitches.  My toolbar would randomly disappear.  My comment count would vanish and then pop back up from day to day.  Comments would be visible, then invisible.  And some time in July, my daily hit count dropped dramatically and has not recovered  (I was averaging 1500 hits a day last spring, it's down to about 300 now, while my Follower total has inched up a bit, suggesting to me that the Stats are seriously flawed.)

In short, this blog has become more of a chore than it really needs to be, and I wonder why this is so. I wonder why it's so hard to keep tool bars available.  I wonder why the stats can't be more reliable, or why the whole thing seems designed to crash every few days.  At some point I suppose I'll find another platform for this blog because I still enjoy doing it, but I can't help but wonder why the service is becoming more buggy and less manageable as all other technology becomes smoother, more functional and more easy to use.  Anyone have any ideas?  How about you, Chirpy Google Girl?

Maybe I should have been more suspect of a search engine named for a shiny but otherwise virtually worthless, easily damaged cousin of tin foil.

These people might as well be living on another planet. Of course, that would be asking too much.

Have you ever wished lupus on an entire family?

I just don't get why commercials for upscale cars feel the need to hammer into us the fact that their product is for insufferably rich, spoiled brats whose lives are already perfect anyway.  It's as if they are worried that one of us working-class stiffs might actually soil a Cadillac, Audi or Lexus dealership with our unwelcome presence.

Hey, high-end car manufacturers:  Don't worry, we get it.  These commercials are not aimed at 99% of us.  They are aimed exclusively at people with pretty spouses, pretty kids, big houses maintained by Latino cleaning crews, and a "need" for a big gleaming car that allows them to take their pretension on the road with them.   We'll stick to Honda, Toyota, Ford and Volkswagen, promise.

Now please, stop assaulting us with this disgusting, hate-infused and hate-inducing crud already.

Or maybe it has something to do with Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, moron

Dear Fat, Stupid Patriots Fan:

I wonder- for how many years have you let Ramsey ruin your football-watching experience because you've decided that New England's decade-plus of regular success was somehow cosmically connected to his pathetic, juvenile rants?

I mean, he comes over and spends three hours spitting at your screen, throwing snacks all over your living room, and basically just behaving like a psychotic dick with no regard for any other human being because neither you nor anyone else has the spine to tell him to shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down, or get the fuck out?  And this is because you think he somehow influences the outcome of a football game?  Really?

Oh, and he brings Bud Lite?  First of all, that's not a plus.  Second, if you really love Bud Lite that much, it's not the most expensive beer on the market, and buying your own while locking the door on this moron sounds like a pretty damned good investment to me.  Third, seriously- Bud Lite?

I'll just finish what I hope is a very helpful letter with just a few additional points.  If Ramsey is a regular at your house, wasn't he there when the Patriots coughed up that playoff game to the Ravens last year?  How about those two times they faded late in the Superbowl against the Giants?  If the Pats "always win" when Ramsey is there, that means he's been there exactly twice in a row.  And this is "magical" to you somehow?

One more thing.  The Patriots are perhaps the worst 2-0 team in football right now.  They've played two crappy teams and were lucky to win both games.  I suspect that the Amazing Ramsey Effect is going to fail very, very soon.  I hope you take that opportunity to divorce yourself of your sad delusion and give Ramsey a swift kick in the ass as he exits your house for good.  Because he really is a douchenozzle.  This Patriots fan wouldn't have him in his house for five minutes, let alone three freaking hours every week, because I've kind of figured out that the Patriots have been very good at winning regular season games for going on a dozen years now, Ramsey or no Ramsey.