The New iPhone. Unlimited Asshattery.

It's 2013, and the world is wide open to me and my awesome iPhone technology!

I am no longer limited to yakking away from every train, bus, park bench, sidewalk, grocery store and movie theater in the United States!  No more shall I be shackled to mere texting as I swerve around on the highways or bump into you on the sidewalk or pretend to spend quality time with my kids at the zoo or beach!

With the new (latest)  iPhone, I am finally freed from the shackles of my own eyes with their inferior, non-sharing technology!  From this point onward, I shall view the planet through the Superior eyes of my iPhone, capturing every moment of my Amazingly Entertaining and Awesome and above all Share-able life for the world to experience!

I shall record it all.  Every crack on the sidewalk.  Every barking and jumping dog.  Every blade of grass, every grain of sand, every gently crashing wave of the sea.  Because it's happening in front of me and my phone, it can now be preserved and stored and sent to the phones of the people lucky enough to be called my Friends.  No one who has achieved this status need ever be in doubt that I am the Most Remarkable Person in the Universe and that every waking moment of my life is of great Significance.  I mean, check out this funny hat I saw- what would your life be if you were deprived of seeing it?  Here's an interesting-looking squirrel- I know sending it's image to your phone has changed your life for the better.

Now, everyone I know can experience my life, through the eyes of my phone.  And I can record it all (it's my RIGHT, you know) and preserve it for the sad people who do not at this moment have access to the Remarkable Story that is Me.

Come to think of it, you don't really have to thank me.  I won't be able to respond anyway, being way too busy watching the world go by through the filter of a four-inch screen.

Hey, McDonald's? I've never cared about anything less

Just imagine- thousands of idiots with absolutely, positively nothing left to do (now that the AFLAC duck's online "recovery" is complete) rushing to the web (who am I kidding, they were probably already there) to find out who stole Flacco's bag of grease from McDonald's.

Now try to get that image out of your head.  Yes, we are a very sad country.  A very sad, bored, listless, fat country filled with people with no plans for today, tomorrow or the foreseeable future.  A country constantly looking for something to kill the time, all the time.  A country so pathetic that we respond to commercials which ask us to "See the whole story at..." or "learn the rest of (insert name of stupid boring loser here's) tale at..." or "find out what happens next at.." no matter how insipid and pointless the segment we were "treated" to on television was.

I'm not going to be checking out the site, because I can't imagine my life being so devoid of meaning that I would care which NFL player (because duh, we know it's another NFL player) stole the fried crud.  This commercial lost me the moment Flacco got talked into playing for junk he had already purchased.  I mean, why would anyone do that?

Oh yeah, I forgot.  It's a commercial for McDonald's.  I think if it makes sense, it's not allowed on the air.

Obsessing over your house while on vacation is the Future of Awesome?

Why does everyone in these Xfinity commercials live in a house with a glowing white interior?  

And am I the only person on the planet who doesn't think about his house while on vacation?  I leave my house totally unattended for two months every summer, and for several weeks during the year.  It's vacant for ten hours a day.  And I can honestly say that over the course of a year I don't spend five minutes wondering if anyone has broken in to lay on my couch and watch my television, what the temperature is, or if a freaking pelican has wandered in (to lay on my couch and watch television, or do anything else.)  For some reason, I've always just assumed that my house will take care of itself while I'm not in it, and not fall prey to burglars or dogs or pelicans.  

I suppose if I had this "awesome" thing from Xfinity (and a tablet,) I'd be checking up on the place every hour on the hour, like the stupid dick in this commercial who has decided that it's a great way to pretend not to have time to spend with his wife and kids on the beach.  Seriously, if I was this guy's wife I'd be chucking that damn thing into the surf and telling him to get off his ass and spend time with his family, you clueless techno-addled jagoff.  

I'd also tell him that I don't give a flying damn what the temperature is in the freaking house while we are on the beach.  And if he reaches for his iPhone to activate his Xfinity Home Security App, it's going to join his precious tablet in the surf. 

Fifteen minutes. Over. Go Away Now.

I'm not sure this particular campaign for Wendy's Slightly Better than Burger King, Not As Good As Quiznos' sandwich offerings is even a year old yet, but I've had enough.

I never wanted to see this woman singing the praises of cheap, disgustingly fattening beef-and-salt-based food products.  I sure as hell don't care to see her rapping or ogling for someone's camera phone or whatever she's trying to pull off here.  If I was into Twitter, she'd be the last person on Earth I would be interested in Tweeting with.

I really just want her to get off my television and continue down her chosen path to "whatever happened to.." oblivion.  I imagine she'll show up on a sitcom first, then move on to some Survivor-type reality tv show.  That's fine.  Or, at least it's better than seeing her stupid chirpy mug show up every commercial break to whore for Wendy's.

And could she please take Flo with her?

Four or five of these, and you are set until lunch

Other breakfast ideas for under 200 calories-

A cup of yogurt.

Black coffee and a graham cracker.

Half a grapefruit.

A cup of Quaker instant oatmeal (I like the maple flavor, myself.)

Any single Slim-Fast product.

Carnation Instant Breakfast.

What do all of these things have in common with Subway's awesome new 200 Calories Or Less breakfast sandwiches?  Simple- they will all leave you just as desperately hungry by 9 AM.   You'll be deficient in your daily recommended allowance of junk, but otherwise, no difference.

If you can take advantage of this offer, you don't NEED this offer. Thanks anyway, Expedia.

You know, I consider myself a rather spontaneous person.  Call me and say "hey meet me in fifteen minutes, we'll do something," and chances are I'll be there.  Seriously.  Try me.

Seriously.

Ok, back to this commercial:  I'm spontaneous, but I'm also not in total control of my life, 24/7.  If some Expedia choad walked up to me and offered a "great deal" on a trip to China, but I had to go right now, guess what?  I'd love to go to China.  But I've also got a job and other responsibilities.

Ok, just a job.  But I can't just say "sure, let's go" and call school from the freaking cab as I head off to the airport.  I'm sure the school would be just fine with my sudden decision to fly off to China.  I'm sure they'd also remember my being AWOL for that week when it comes time to reconsider my contract.

So, who is Expedia trying to reach with ads like this?  People who have nothing but time on their hands, who are unemployed (yet have plenty of money to do stuff in other countries, if only they could get a great deal on a flight) or have such flexible schedules that hey, I've got this opportunity to go to the other side of the planet so toodles see you next week?  Seems to me that if you fit either of these categories, you really don't need Expedia.

This is what I would say to the Expedia guy- "hey, it's nice that you are offering me a good deal on a flight to China.  But I work for a living, and I've got people outside of work who depend on me and I can't just drop everything to go.  Ok, that thing about people outside of work isn't true, but I still can't just drop my classes and leave, deal or no deal.  So if you can't offer me a decent price AND enough notice, what good are you?"

I just don't get Capitalism, I guess

I mean, I understand the basics- come up with an idea, then use the readily-available population of desperate, hungry people who just want to survive and exploit them for all they are worth to make your dream (of being disgustingly wealthy) a reality.  I get that Capitalism  has gone through an evolution over the past several thousand years, from Serfdom to outright slavery to promotion of unlimited immigration and finally, when workers in Western nations got too damned uppity with their unions and minimum wages and weekends and holidays and unemployment insurance and other such MarxistSocialistFascist Takers not Makers ideas, the outsourcing of the whole thing to nations with more pliable (desperate, hungry, unorganized) people.  See?  I get the concept.

The part I don't understand is the Providing a Service People Need bit.  At some point, someone walked into a bank and asked for a business start-up loan based on the theory that people are in constant need of party supplies.  And the bank said "sure, that sounds like a great idea."  Maybe "I'll hire only uneducated but hard-working people eager to take whatever they are offered because they want to eat" was part of the pitch.  Maybe "I'll buy my stock from Vietnam, China and Pakistan because almost all of it is disposable, Use Once And Throw Away crap anyway, so the markup will make my store successful if I can manage two customers a day" sealed the deal.   Like I said, I don't get this part.  I've worked in retail-- I managed a video rental store (remember those?) to pay my way through grad school--but that doesn't make me an MBA.

From now on, whenever I hear some whiny, greedy jerk call in to a radio show to complain that ObamaCare is denying him his God-given right to 100 percent of the take from his "small business," I'll think of PartyCity and wonder if he's blaming his lack of success on the wrong thing.  Hey, buddy- maybe you are just trying to provide a service in a saturated market.  Maybe you miscalculated the demand.  Maybe you had unrealistic expectations of instant wealth through the hard work of your employees.  Maybe you are just thrashing around for someone to point a finger at to explain why your Pudding Delivery Idea doesn't seem to be catching fire.

I'll also think of Spatula City.  Because it makes me happy, and it seems to fit, somehow.