I notice too much for my own good

1.  At :10-- I guess the car would have sustained a lot more damage if this guy's garage door was made of something sturdier than tin foil painted white.  Or cardboard.  Or peanut brittle.  I'm almost curious enough to ask what the ad makers used to create that effect.  It would be a better question than the unbelievable "what is that song?" query posted by YouTube monkeys.  (No, I'm not kidding. There are people out there who didn't know this song.)

2.  At :15- either this car was parked on the sidewalk up against the building, or the owner of the AC unit tossed it from his window.  Because it makes no sense that it would just fall out of the window on to the center of a car parked in the street, unless we can't see that the window juts ten feet from the building.

3.  Can I assume that the guy standing on his car in the middle of a swamp is calling the police and not his insurance company?  Because first thing's first, stupid.  Get yourself on to dry land.  There's plenty of time to explain to your insurance company how you lost control of your car trying to pop open another beer while simultaneously texting your girlfriend that your wife isn't going to be out of town this weekend after all.

4.  My favorite part of all these ads is when we see the moron victim of the accident gesturing to explain what happened to the insurance agent.  What on Earth is he saying? "Yep, this is where I forgot there were bikes on my roof...this is where I spent half an hour getting together my equipment, climbing the tree, and cutting the branch with my chain saw without once noticing there was a car underneath it...yep, I'm a complete and utter tool and I fully expect you to cancel my insurance now, because hey, who could blame you?"

Oh, and btw- "we" didn't come up with the Theory of Relativity, so "we" don't get to take credit for it.  That was ONE human being.  By the same token, I have no interest in taking responsibility when one of the clueless knuckleheads in these commercials destroys a car through utter carelessness.  Get it?

How did the Nuremberg Trials miss this guy?

I mean, look how utterly evil and thoughtless he is!

He didn't assume the little girl had a peanut allergy- or if she did, she'd let him know.  I mean, how irresponsible can you get?  It's bad enough that this restaurant even OFFERS food including peanuts on the menu.  She could have died!

And then when she gives her mom a terrified "Oh my God it's a peanut what will I do I guess I'm doomed now" look, he acts all confused, as if he isn't perfectly capable of reading her mind!  I mean, how many crimes is this guy going to commit?  First he takes the girl's order, then he brings her what she ordered- he must have gone to the Pol Pot School of Waiting Tables!

Truly, this waiter is worse than Hitler.  Leaving me wondering only one more thing- what on Earth does he have against this poor, innocent little girl?  But you know, I don't even care.  I just want him removed from society, before he has a chance to kill again.  Monster.

The extended cut. In case the suspects simply REFUSE to talk

If Mute Buttons had not been invented years ago, this commercial would make them absolutely necessary.

In fact, ads like this create a vital need for voice-activated mute buttons.  As in "NOOO!!" or "ENOUGH!" or "SHUT THE F--UP!" instantly silencing this unbelievable awfulness.

Because why on Earth would anyone want to watch an "extended version" of the most agonizing horrible moments of our lives?  As if we haven't all experienced socially-retarded douchenozzles yelling pointless, vapid drivel at high volumes into their phones while standing RIGHT NEXT TO US as we mentally brain them with crowbars.

Hey, Jeremy? You can play Angry Birds on your phone when you get back to Levittown. Moron.

Before I went off to Europe last July, I called AT&T and purchased an international plan.  I wanted to make sure that I could call home once or twice or get in touch with people if I got lost, and was made aware of these evil things called roaming charges.  As it turned out, I spent an additional $30 for a service I used exactly twice, and probably would have been better off just leaving my phone off or paying the extra charge, but oh well...next time I go overseas I'm sure I'll buy the international minutes again, because who wants to think about stuff like that?

The people in this ad, as near as I can figure, have a son who is traveling around Europe wracking up roaming charges- $1200 worth after three days.  I don't know how long he plans to be in Europe, any more than I understand why his parents aren't just calling him instead of sending him a video (isn't that a more expensive way of making contact?)  But it seems to me that if they aren't willing to call him (or get a friend he might actually pick up for to call him) they are down to two options:

1.  Let their idiot son continue to be oblivious, wracking up ruinous roaming charges.  He's old enough to be traveling around Europe, he's old enough to deal with the massive bill when he gets back. What kind of moron spends a Maybe Once In a Lifetime Opportunity to tour Europe using his freaking phone, anyway?

2.  Hire a hit man to take the stupid kid out.  Probably cheaper in the long run than dealing with roaming charges.

Trust Me- when I want funny, D.L.Hughley and Michael Ian Black do NOT come to mind. I won't be watching.

Once again, TBS...

If you have to constantly tell us that your shows are "very funny," it's because their humor value is not obvious.  I swear, you guys are like little kids who beg you to listen to their bad jokes- "no, really, this one is REALLY funny, I promise..."

When a show is funny, it's obvious.  It makes us laugh.  When a show is NOT funny, telling us that it's "very funny" doesn't make it so.  Sorry.  You fail.

My advice to you, TBS- stop trying to create your own lame, unfunny TV shows, and go back to doing what you do best- buying the syndication rights to comedies that are actually funny.   Comedies we don't have to be told are funny, because we know it already, because we were watching them during their original runs, back in the nineties.

Not that it really matters- you've broadcast your last MLB playoff game of the year, and now they've moved to Fox, so no one with an IQ above that of a lame turnip and a more-than-bargain-basement cable package is watching your crap channel anyway.  See you next fall- at which time, I expect that this "very funny" game show will have been cancelled for ten months or so.  Unwept, and unsung.

I'm guessing she serves them only genuine Nutella, too

"You always know what's best for your family..." so you prevent your husband from making a total fool of himself by going out in suit his grandfather used to wear to the track back in the 40s (why does he even OWN that thing?)  Good for you.

But "you always know what's best for your family..." so you serve them cheap, fatty, deep-fried and frozen chicken parts instead of actual, real food?  I'm not buying it, lady.   I think it's more like "you know what's best for you- spending less time in the kitchen and more doing stuff you like."  I totally understand and endorse your philosophy.

Coming next year, Domino's phases out taking cash. Because that's more convenient for...um...the customers.

In other words, "we are pretty stupid here at Domino's- it's because we really only hire high school dropouts to answer the phone.  Oddly enough, they are really bad at it, though truth be told if they had just spent a little less time on the phone when they were supposed to be concentrating on their studies, they probably wouldn't be working here."

"Anyway, because we are so damned incompetent, you people with good internet connections can just skip the phone and order online.  It's a lot easier for us to get your order online, so we are going to do our best to convince you that it's a lot easier for you, too.  Don't have good internet access?  Well, of course you can still order by phone- but it's really kind of a hassle, why can't you just invest in decent internet access?"

"And if you do order by phone, don't say we didn't warn you- you can expect crap like you see in this ad- people failing to get your name right, your order right, your address right- and we couldn't figure out a way to portray the guy taking your call's total inability to ask legible questions or repeat your order back to you in a language which in any way resembles English without appearing deeply racist, but you can expect that, too.  Hey, it's just going to be a mess.  Chances are you aren't going to get your pizza if you try to phone in your order.  If you get it, it probably won't be the pizza you ordered.  It will probably come very late.  It will definitely be cold."

"Let's cut to the chase.  We really want to phase out phone orders.  We know this means that we won't be providing a service to our poorer customers, but we are willing to sacrifice them because our studies show they don't order much pizza anyway, and we'll more than make up for the lost business in online orders from wealthier customers with that good internet access we've been urging you to get.  Basically, order online or do without.  Because in six months when you try to call in, you are just going to get a busy signal.  You've been warned."