I'm here 'cause my phone told me to

So this woman just woke up one morning and totally forgot that she had a trip to take?  It sure looks that way- her phone tells her that she has to get to the airport ( for a few moments, I thought maybe we'd find out that she just had to pick someone up there, but no....) and she dashes off, showing us how much a hurry she's in by frantically pressing the elevator button, etc...

Naturally she never takes her eyes off her phone, which tells her what gate to go to and which baggage claim to use, and never mind that both pieces of information are readily available even to us losers who don't have tripped-out phones.  I get the idea that after she picks up her bags, the phone will let her know where she is, why she is there, and how long she's going to remain.

Jeesh- might as well open the windows!

I'm not even going to do the usual anti-"connectivity" rant that comes so naturally to mind when I see an ad celebrating the ability of privileged first-class douchenozzles to stare at their glowing screens for five hours during an international flight.  Or how little I care that the dick at the center of all this can keep track of "The Market' while he's resting his pampered ass on his oversized, comfy business-size seat.

I'm too busy being horrified at the idea that this plane appears to be traveling 500 miles an hour at an altitude of 80 feet above the freaking ocean.  How the hell can these people keep the water from flying out of their ostentatious wine glasses?  The turbulence must be unbelievable!

At least "Storm Chasers" had SOMETHING to do with the freaking WEATHER

This show is produced and presented by The Weather Channel.

Seriously.  No kidding.  The Weather Channel.

Grizzled loser "prospectors" wearing dirty clothes and sporting frayed beards if they are male, dirty revealing clothes and someone less facial hair if they are female.  Rock slides.  No doubt an explosion now and then.  Lots of mountain-climbing truck action.  And yelling.  A LOT of yelling.

I suppose that at least once an episode, someone will complain about the heat or the rain.  You know, to wedge the topic of weather in there.

Otherwise, what the HELL is this?  Why is it that none of the Specific-Content Channels seem capable of sticking to their original themes anymore?  I thought that the point of HAVING such channels was to make it easier for the average couch potato to quickly locate what he was in the mood for.  Now you really NEVER know what you are going to find no matter WHERE you turn.  Though you can make some pretty intelligent guesses:

MTV: Vapid, Stupid, Lazy, Spoiled Idiots sitting around luxury homes yelling at each other.

AMC: Zombies, Mad Men, movies released 10-20 years ago that nobody not collecting a paycheck from AMC would call "classic."

The History Channel:  Ice Road Truckers, Pawn Stars, Hillbillies and Crocodiles, Ancient Aliens

National Geographic:  Doomsday Preppers (or Let's Pretend There's Something Cool about Thoroughly Creepy Nazi/White Supremacist Survivalists.)

TBS: Family Guy, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, and God-Awful "Original" programming followed by "Family Guy."

And now The Weather Channel, which used to be very carefully targeted to the demographic which includes over-70 shut-ins and People Stuck In Their Homes During Blizzards, which I guess is going to be expanding to include Shows Rejected By The History Channel.  And my question remains- WHY?

Hardly surprising that comments are disabled for this video

Seriously, this is somebody's "NFL fantasy?"

Earth to immensely stupid people on my television:  This is no way to waste the only life you have.  Get away from your television.  Enjoy the fresh air.  Spend time with your kids.  And while you are out actually functioning in society instead of engaging in crap like this....

think about how disgustingly shallow and pointless your life was when it was wrapped up in some millionaire running around on a football field every Sunday afternoon.  Acting as if he had accomplished something of value whenever he got a ball or brought down an opposing player.  Dancing like an exhibitionist freak who didn't get enough attention from Mommy growing up.  Mugging for the camera every few seconds.  A player who doesn't know who you are, will never know who you are, and will never give the slightest damn about you or your pathetic version of a life.

Here's another little piece of advice:  Maybe it's time for you to return the favor.  There's life outside your living room and the stadium parking lot.  There's precious little life inside your living room, or in that parking lot.  Your kids won't be young forever, and you won't be here forever.  Stop wasting the gift of life your mom gave you by acting like an obsessed, directionless dweeb whose idea of fun is to fantasize about being with your favorite NFL player.

Because there is so much more than this, believe me.

Yeah, we ALL get it

"You have the most god-awful taste in music of any dad who has ever lived.  And you are perfectly willing to let my date know it."

"You think owning this car gives you the privilege of driving off the road and right on to the wide sidewalk my private school inexplicably decided to spend $100,000 building (along with the gaudy lanterns set up to assure that nobody could miss the impossibly vast entrance doors.)  I am embarrassed beyond description."

"And then you give me a Please Punch Me In My Douche Face look as we are going into the dance.  Yes, we get it.  You are a dick who thinks your 14-year old daughter is a sexpot and not just going to a fricking school dance."

"Which makes you the one with the problem.  Do YOU get it?"

My class, every Friday afternoon

The guy who made this commercial has a camera in Room 233.  Except it's not Airheads- it's Snickers, Peanut Butter Cups, Take 5, and Twix.

Inside joke- but my students will get it.

For want of a mute button, my sanity was lost

A man.

A man and his truck.

A man, his truck, and a broken fence.

A man, his truck, a broken fence, and a lost calf.

A man, his truck, a broken fence, a lost calf, and a truck which lets him search for the lost calf until....ummm, until he finds the lost calf, I guess.

A man, his truck, a broken fence, a lost calf, and a warm ride home in the man's truck for the lost calf.

A man, his truck, a broken fence, a lost calf, a warm ride home, and a safe return to the 4x4 bin which has been this calf's home since it was separated from it's mother to be force-fed hormones.

A man, his truck, a broken fence, a lost calf now found and safely returned to it's horror torture chamber of a life, and a contract with the good people at Hormel.

A man, his truck, a repaired fence, and a calf removed from it's cage to be forced on to a boxcar for it's first and last journey on a train.

A man, his truck, a repaired fence, a calf chopped into pieces and wrapped in plastic or packed into a can of Spam, and a check from Hormel which allows a man to continue to dress up like- and pretend to be- a Real Rancher Just Like In The Movies.  Except they didn't have his truck.

Warms the heart, doesn't it?