Despicable McDonalds

I actually liked the first Despicable Me movie.  I thought it was a sweet, entertaining little surprise.  The sequel?  Ten minutes in I felt like I was watching a film that had been cobbled together with no sense of direction by people who had so many dollar signs in their eyes that they couldn't be bothered with a script.  The only guiding principles of the sequel were "stick the Minions everywhere" and "use the fart gun (which was just a MISTAKE and a TEN SECOND GAG in the first film) as many times as possible."  I didn't care about Gru finding a wife, I didn't care about the little girl finding a boyfriend, I thought "El Macho" came off like a stale remnant from some racially insensitive 1960s Saturday morning cartoon, and was pretty darned happy when the whole experience was over.

Ok, now on to this commercial.  We see Minions being Minions, doing things we really don't want to see your kids mimicking if and when we ever go to McDonalds.  They seem to be settling down to a "meal" of four Chicken McNuggets each which has magically become "good for you" because it's being washed down with milk.  Uh-huh.  And if you would like to make it "even better," hey, you can get apple slices!  Double Uh-huh.  Doesn't really change the fact that you are eating greasy fried chicken things (and, let's face it, greasy fried potatoes, too.  Because kids who willingly pick apple slices over french fries are being raised by parents who wouldn't bring them to McDonalds in the first place, ok?)

Here's what McDonald's should say in this ad, just to make it a little honest:  "Hey, check out these guys- they are the reason why your kids dragged you to see Despicable Me 2 and will drag you to see Despicable Me 3, 4 and 5 if we can crank them out before your kids outgrow them (remember how you thought you dodged a bullet because they were too young to demand to be brought to the yearly Shrek abominations?) Well, guess what?  Your kids love them, so you'd better haul their fat asses to McDonalds if you want anything resembling peace in your home."

"Oh, and if you listen to this commercial carefully, you'll note that we only implied that Happy Meals are 'good for you' if you are an imaginary cartoon character, and not an actual human being with nutritional needs.  Our lawyers have checked it out, and we are covered."

Oh- and nice robes there. You guys must be really popular with the neighbors.

First- "everything's fine?"  Really?  Some guy just tried to break into your house, doing some pretty severe-looking damage to your door and setting off the alarm.  "Just fine?"  Well, you are a calm little cucumber, aren't you?

Second- what's the fireman kneeling down to tell the little girl there?  "You see, little girl, sometimes natural gas comes out of the ground and if Mommy and Daddy are so plastered that they don't even notice the smell which has been added as a safety precaution, and no matter how hard you shake them they aren't going to respond.  So it's a good thing that on one of the rare occasions that your parents had a clear mind they took the precaution of installing this ADT Security System."

"We make you safe"- by bathing your house in a glowing blue light lifted straight from the memory of your favorite disco.  It's a well known fact that disco lights are a strong deterrent against home invasion, but until now I wasn't aware that it's also great at detecting radon.

"After all, someone's got to look after you, and it sure as hell isn't going to be one of THESE people."

"Hey look, I not only work- but I get paid, too!"

This girl's family congratulates her--- not for her first job, but her first paycheck.  Ok, whatever.

And she's got a tripped-out phone which allows her to deposit checks by snapping pictures of them, which she acquired before she got her first paycheck.  Priorities, priorities.

Now all we need to do is introduce her employer to the concept of Direct Deposit.

Maybe this song should just not be used in commercials at all

About a decade ago, this same stupid song was used in a reprehensible, downright creepy Dr. Pepper ad.  In that commercial, "Stacy's Mom" could not contain her delight at her ability to get a group of soccer-playing preteen boys to mob her minivan's supply of sugary soda.  The ick factor was strong with that one- Stacy's mom clearly enjoyed being the object of....umm....something to these little boys, and if it took ten bucks worth of Dr. Pepper to get them to swarm her, it was money well spent.

I couldn't find that commercial on YouTube, otherwise I would have included it along with this Not Quite As Squicky But Pretty Damned Close Cadillac commercial.  In this one, we are grateful that the guy ogling Stacy's Mom (actually, her car- as in the Dr Pepper ad, there's nothing especially attractive about the woman being featured) is at least an adult.  The creepiness comes in the way he's transfixed by what looks to me like a very typical SUV type vehicle to the point where he has to be shaken out of his Car Lust Coma by his kid, who may or may not get that what he's getting hot over is the car and not the woman driving it.

Oh, and the super-pleased-with-herself woman in this ad-- jesus, lady, do you realize that you are actually settling for being admired for your car?  That's just depressing.

It's not just a slow, halting, uncomfortable ride, it's an adventure

Here at Washington Metrorail, we are always working to find new ways to make your commute more...um, interesting!

Because of our tireless efforts to keep your travel as delightfully unpredictable as possible, we've added a few special weekend attractions, like our Guess When The Next Train Is Coming game.  It's basically a more family-friendly version of our old classic Next Train Arrival Time? None of your Damned Business game.

This weekend-only (for now) offering is available to all Metro riders, except of course for the ones who are on buses because their station is closed for repairs.*  Are you among THAT lucky group?  Check back late in the week to find out, and good luck!

And don't worry, the regular weekday services will continue to be available.  Services like

Elevators out at the following four Metro stops, hope you aren't in a wheelchair

Try to find the Exit Gate that will accept your SmartCard, Go on We Dare You!  

Try to find the FareCard Machine that will actually take debit and credit cards, We Dare You!

Which Metro Station will have an actual employee sitting in his cubicle this week?

Not to mention the classic Metro benefits your parents once enjoyed and which have now been passed on to you, like the calorie-burning Stationary Escalators ("Don't Call Them Stairs, Stairs Don't Have Jagged Teeth!")  and the laugh-out-loud "radios must be used with headphones" signs (since the advent of earbuds, and the apparent willingness of Metrorail to pretend that earbuds are the equivalent of headphones even if everyone on the train can hear what the earbud-user is listening to, these really are quite funny.)  Some traditions are just too good to give up, don't you agree?

*Single-Tracking is all about Serving You Better, of course.  So shut the f--up and get on the bus, you ungrateful, car-less loser.

Wow, THIS got old fast!

Right around the fourth or fifth consecutive grunt-as-a-replacement-for-a-severely-defective-vocabulary, I hit the mute button rather than continuing to enjoy fake home movies featuring LeBron James enjoying quality time in his palace with his family.

Because really, who gives a flying damn?  LeBron James is massively rich.  LeBron James has a big house and a big driveway and a Humvee (several of each, I imagine) and a little kid and a wife and an electronic device which allows him to capture moments of his perfect existence.  Awesome for him.  What the hell any of this has to do with anything I'm supposed to buy is totally beyond me.

It's also totally beyond all the witless drooling YouTube glue-sniffers, who have conned themselves into thinking that they are seeing something genuine and warm that does not involve a lucrative marketing contract for a guy who really doesn't need any more money.  Hey, YouTube losers, here's a desperately needed clue: there are a whole lot of dads out there who do crap like this with their kids all the time, even when there ISN'T a professional camera crew hanging around.

I guess this woman's family is sick of Hamburger Helper?

1.  This "elimination" bit has been done to death over the past several years.  I've seen it used to pick out cars and (bizarrely) to convince a family to eat dinner at Golden Corral.  It's not only unoriginal, it's boring and played and really, really stupid.

2.  The only way this commercial ends logically is with the woman being confronted with absolutely no Disgusting Crap Frozen Pizza choices.  And with this woman either

A)  accepting that if she wants a "pizza her family will love" which is also reasonably good for them, she'll have to get off her lazy, shortcut-taking ass and buy the ingredients that will permit her to make the damn thing herself, in her own kitchen.  The entire time I was growing up, I was never once "treated" to a piece of formerly frozen pizza-shaped cardboard because my mother (who worked outside the home) regularly found the time to actually make wonderful homemade pizza.  For five kids.

Or

B)  exclaiming "fuck it, I did my best" and buying whatever nasty frozen monstrosity laughingly referred to as "pizza" is on sale that week.

Maybe I'm being cynical, but I kind of suspect this woman would go for Option B.  Because it would be nice to find a pizza "her family would love," but what she really wants is something that will shut them the hell up for another night or maybe even convince Hubby to take them out more often.  Maybe to Golden Corral.