It's a daytime drama! It's a cereal commercial! It's a daytime drama! It's a cereal commercial!

So I'm sitting here in front of my Toshiba Satellite Laptop Computer eating a Snickers Bar (Snickers Really Satisfies and besides, You're Not Yourself When You're Hungry) when I happen across this clip from a soap opera I've never actually seen in real life, really I haven't so stop suggesting that I'm a regular, ok?  I haven't watched a soap on a regular basis since they pulled Natalie (or was it her evil twin?) out of that well on All My Children back in the early-90s.  And I didn't even watch that show very often, so shut up.

Anyway, the very subtle Cheerios commercial embedded in this clip barely registered on the consciousness, don't you think?  I mean, I sure wasn't hungry for the Toasted Whole Grain Oats after I saw it, though I did find myself craving a cup of coffee when it was over- maybe the wrong subliminal message came through?  Or maybe I just don't have any Cheerios in the house?

I'll ponder it as I gulp down another Diet Coke (Just for the Taste of It) and channel-surfing my Verizon Fios menu (when you get Fios, that's when you Get It.)  And try to remember what I thought was so compelling about this--- umm, television drama clip, and why I thought it belonged in a blog about commercials.  Maybe it's the blonde.  She is awfully cute.  I wonder what her favorite cereal is?

I hope Davy Crockett falls, breaks his leg, and dies cold and alone out there. Being eaten by Bambi's dad

"As a hunter, I know the thrill, the raw excitement involved in hiding halfway up a tree for several hours waiting for one of God's Innocent Creatures to wander by in it's endless search for food.  I know the electric tingle that crawls up my back as I pull an arrow from my quiver, bend back my $900 PSE Dream Season Compound Bow with Mossy Oak Infinity Camo (seriously)  and let a sharp metal shaft fly into the guts of a strong, healthy buck.  I know the moment of exultation which erupts in concert with the great beast's collapse to the forest floor.  I know the flow of adrenaline when the arrow doesn't quite hit true, and I engage in the pursuit of a terrified, wounded, bleeding animal as it attempts to carry off the very expensive arrow (they can cost $10 or more each- again, seriously) that continues to rend it's internal organs."

"I wouldn't wreck that experience with chewing or smoking tobacco.  Chewing tobacco can cause mouth cancer.  Smoking tobacco is even worse- prey usually have a very well-developed sense of smell, and one cigarette can give your position away and ruin my best chance all weekend to bring down a large mammal that was just minding it's own business until I came along with my medieval concept of communing with nature."

"So when I'm sitting in my deer stand waiting for something to wander into range (just like my rugged ancestors used to do) I stick to several cans of beer (just like my rugged ancestors did.)  No way I'm going to let tobacco cut my years of slaughtering wildlife short, no sir."

Downright inspiring.

Mob of Rampant Stupidity

I am not surprised that the network which has assaulted us with Judge Judith Sheinlin's non-legal version of "Justice" managed to find dozens of people to pull this crap.  I would not be surprised if each and every one of the people who took part in this did it for nothing but a few moments of face time on tv, and absolutely no money was transferred.

Here's why:  "Judge" Judy's show has, for 17 years, been nothing more than a parade of barely-literate mouth-breathers who have loaned the wrong people money surrendering their last shred of dignity in exchange for the opportunity to be on television.  Seventeen years of obese high-school dropouts who are all aspiring actresses (and real-life hairdressers) who are pissed at ex-boyfriends/ fathers of some of their children (who are all Temporarily Between Jobs I'm Trying to Get My Life Together Judge Construction Workers) and who thought that they were paying the rent and electricity and taking him on trips as Favors which would be Repaid, while he was quite clear from the start that This Was All Her Idea and he Never Promised Anything in Return and all the money and favors were Gifts, Your Honor.  With a few minor tweaks- sometimes there's a bb gun and a dog involved, and sometimes the scene is a trailer park instead of a low-end suburb or downtown LA- that's the drill, twice a day, five days a week- for seventeen freaking years.

What exactly are we "celebrating" here?  The popularity of a "Judge" who more often than not decides cases with Solomon-level wisdom like "I don't believe you" or "no you didn't?"  That millions of people think that what she does has something to do with being an actual judge and deciding actual cases?  That millions of people think this is what "law" looks like?  Why would we want to celebrate that?

Despicable McDonalds

I actually liked the first Despicable Me movie.  I thought it was a sweet, entertaining little surprise.  The sequel?  Ten minutes in I felt like I was watching a film that had been cobbled together with no sense of direction by people who had so many dollar signs in their eyes that they couldn't be bothered with a script.  The only guiding principles of the sequel were "stick the Minions everywhere" and "use the fart gun (which was just a MISTAKE and a TEN SECOND GAG in the first film) as many times as possible."  I didn't care about Gru finding a wife, I didn't care about the little girl finding a boyfriend, I thought "El Macho" came off like a stale remnant from some racially insensitive 1960s Saturday morning cartoon, and was pretty darned happy when the whole experience was over.

Ok, now on to this commercial.  We see Minions being Minions, doing things we really don't want to see your kids mimicking if and when we ever go to McDonalds.  They seem to be settling down to a "meal" of four Chicken McNuggets each which has magically become "good for you" because it's being washed down with milk.  Uh-huh.  And if you would like to make it "even better," hey, you can get apple slices!  Double Uh-huh.  Doesn't really change the fact that you are eating greasy fried chicken things (and, let's face it, greasy fried potatoes, too.  Because kids who willingly pick apple slices over french fries are being raised by parents who wouldn't bring them to McDonalds in the first place, ok?)

Here's what McDonald's should say in this ad, just to make it a little honest:  "Hey, check out these guys- they are the reason why your kids dragged you to see Despicable Me 2 and will drag you to see Despicable Me 3, 4 and 5 if we can crank them out before your kids outgrow them (remember how you thought you dodged a bullet because they were too young to demand to be brought to the yearly Shrek abominations?) Well, guess what?  Your kids love them, so you'd better haul their fat asses to McDonalds if you want anything resembling peace in your home."

"Oh, and if you listen to this commercial carefully, you'll note that we only implied that Happy Meals are 'good for you' if you are an imaginary cartoon character, and not an actual human being with nutritional needs.  Our lawyers have checked it out, and we are covered."

Oh- and nice robes there. You guys must be really popular with the neighbors.

First- "everything's fine?"  Really?  Some guy just tried to break into your house, doing some pretty severe-looking damage to your door and setting off the alarm.  "Just fine?"  Well, you are a calm little cucumber, aren't you?

Second- what's the fireman kneeling down to tell the little girl there?  "You see, little girl, sometimes natural gas comes out of the ground and if Mommy and Daddy are so plastered that they don't even notice the smell which has been added as a safety precaution, and no matter how hard you shake them they aren't going to respond.  So it's a good thing that on one of the rare occasions that your parents had a clear mind they took the precaution of installing this ADT Security System."

"We make you safe"- by bathing your house in a glowing blue light lifted straight from the memory of your favorite disco.  It's a well known fact that disco lights are a strong deterrent against home invasion, but until now I wasn't aware that it's also great at detecting radon.

"After all, someone's got to look after you, and it sure as hell isn't going to be one of THESE people."

"Hey look, I not only work- but I get paid, too!"

This girl's family congratulates her--- not for her first job, but her first paycheck.  Ok, whatever.

And she's got a tripped-out phone which allows her to deposit checks by snapping pictures of them, which she acquired before she got her first paycheck.  Priorities, priorities.

Now all we need to do is introduce her employer to the concept of Direct Deposit.

Maybe this song should just not be used in commercials at all

About a decade ago, this same stupid song was used in a reprehensible, downright creepy Dr. Pepper ad.  In that commercial, "Stacy's Mom" could not contain her delight at her ability to get a group of soccer-playing preteen boys to mob her minivan's supply of sugary soda.  The ick factor was strong with that one- Stacy's mom clearly enjoyed being the object of....umm....something to these little boys, and if it took ten bucks worth of Dr. Pepper to get them to swarm her, it was money well spent.

I couldn't find that commercial on YouTube, otherwise I would have included it along with this Not Quite As Squicky But Pretty Damned Close Cadillac commercial.  In this one, we are grateful that the guy ogling Stacy's Mom (actually, her car- as in the Dr Pepper ad, there's nothing especially attractive about the woman being featured) is at least an adult.  The creepiness comes in the way he's transfixed by what looks to me like a very typical SUV type vehicle to the point where he has to be shaken out of his Car Lust Coma by his kid, who may or may not get that what he's getting hot over is the car and not the woman driving it.

Oh, and the super-pleased-with-herself woman in this ad-- jesus, lady, do you realize that you are actually settling for being admired for your car?  That's just depressing.