Oh, and why can't this guy just fall and break his stupid neck? Why don't I ever get anything I want?

There are a few things I've never understood about ads for BMW, Audi, Cadillac, Jaguar, or any of the other high-end car companies.

First- they always feature people who seem to be married (or at least, living together) buying each other these very expensive cars as holiday presents.  When I was married, my wife and I had a joint checking account.  All the money we made was deposited into that account.  There was no "her money" and "my money," there was "our money."  So when one of us bought something for the other, we were using OUR money to do it.  I'd skip meals at work and find other ways to save to make sure I had enough money to buy her something very nice- but "very nice" never meant a freaking $40,000 car.   If she had wanted a car, she would not have hinted at it like the child in this commercial does- she would have told me "hey, honey?  WE need to replace my car.  Let's figure out what WE can afford."  She would not have dropped hints that I should find an extra several thousand dollars somewhere and buy her a toy with four wheels, because again- her money and my money was our money.

Second, who the hell can relate to these ads, anyway?  White people living in suburban palaces (where are the perfect kids?) who would like it very much if they got a BMW in their stockings?  I mean, come on- does this happen in real life, anywhere?  Should I just be grateful that this isn't a Lexus December To Remember You Are Better commercial, and we don't actually see the Appropriately Not Clean-Shaven Guy being handed the keys to a car with a massive ribbon wrapped around it?  Because I'm not, really (mainly because I know that's coming, very soon...)

Third, what kind of materialistic jagoff wants one of these cars anyway?  Maybe they are supposed to tell the world "I've arrived, I'm successful, get out of my way while admiring me."  All they say to me is "I'm shallow, I've got money burning a hole in my pocket, and my soul is so dark that this is all I can think of to do with that money in a world which is starving to death around me."

Couldn't quite pull the trigger, Eh Dunkin Donuts?

There's so much missing in this Dunkin Donuts Ad!

Where's the cursing?  Were's the "Oh no you DID-n't?"  Where's the word "bitch" used at least twenty times in thirty seconds?

Come on, Dunkin Donuts!  If you are going to portray African American women as insecure, possessive, paranoid weirdos, and African American men as neutered puppies in mortal fear of them, why not go all Mamma's Family on us?  Let's see some head-and-finger wagging, hip-swinging, nose-to-nose bug-eyed action here!

What's with this Brady Bunch-level, inoffensive bs?  What are you afraid of?  Come ON, Dunkin Donuts!  Go there!  You KNOW you want to!

More sick, sad, sexist crap from Walmart

1.  Where are the guys?  Oh wait- this commercial features parents supervising children.  They aren't hauling bags of dirt around in pickup trucks or spraying weed killer on to lawns or using sledgehammers to "remodel" houses or grilling dead animal parts.  Why would there be guys around?

2. "Own the Season."  Yeah, that's nice.  That would be the Season which starts right around the same time the Halloween candy goes on sale and ends around the time the Attached Among Us are reminded that we haven't given our Significant Other a piece of jewelry for a few months, so.....'tis the season to fill our carts with cheap crap from Walmart.  And pretend we are doing something worthwhile and not just shoveling money into the bloated pockets of Sam Walton's evil spawn.

BTW, don't try to tell me you don't want to borrow a sledgehammer from one of those Guys and use it on the smug faces of these awful women.  Because I won't believe you.  Not for a moment.

It's a daytime drama! It's a cereal commercial! It's a daytime drama! It's a cereal commercial!

So I'm sitting here in front of my Toshiba Satellite Laptop Computer eating a Snickers Bar (Snickers Really Satisfies and besides, You're Not Yourself When You're Hungry) when I happen across this clip from a soap opera I've never actually seen in real life, really I haven't so stop suggesting that I'm a regular, ok?  I haven't watched a soap on a regular basis since they pulled Natalie (or was it her evil twin?) out of that well on All My Children back in the early-90s.  And I didn't even watch that show very often, so shut up.

Anyway, the very subtle Cheerios commercial embedded in this clip barely registered on the consciousness, don't you think?  I mean, I sure wasn't hungry for the Toasted Whole Grain Oats after I saw it, though I did find myself craving a cup of coffee when it was over- maybe the wrong subliminal message came through?  Or maybe I just don't have any Cheerios in the house?

I'll ponder it as I gulp down another Diet Coke (Just for the Taste of It) and channel-surfing my Verizon Fios menu (when you get Fios, that's when you Get It.)  And try to remember what I thought was so compelling about this--- umm, television drama clip, and why I thought it belonged in a blog about commercials.  Maybe it's the blonde.  She is awfully cute.  I wonder what her favorite cereal is?

I hope Davy Crockett falls, breaks his leg, and dies cold and alone out there. Being eaten by Bambi's dad

"As a hunter, I know the thrill, the raw excitement involved in hiding halfway up a tree for several hours waiting for one of God's Innocent Creatures to wander by in it's endless search for food.  I know the electric tingle that crawls up my back as I pull an arrow from my quiver, bend back my $900 PSE Dream Season Compound Bow with Mossy Oak Infinity Camo (seriously)  and let a sharp metal shaft fly into the guts of a strong, healthy buck.  I know the moment of exultation which erupts in concert with the great beast's collapse to the forest floor.  I know the flow of adrenaline when the arrow doesn't quite hit true, and I engage in the pursuit of a terrified, wounded, bleeding animal as it attempts to carry off the very expensive arrow (they can cost $10 or more each- again, seriously) that continues to rend it's internal organs."

"I wouldn't wreck that experience with chewing or smoking tobacco.  Chewing tobacco can cause mouth cancer.  Smoking tobacco is even worse- prey usually have a very well-developed sense of smell, and one cigarette can give your position away and ruin my best chance all weekend to bring down a large mammal that was just minding it's own business until I came along with my medieval concept of communing with nature."

"So when I'm sitting in my deer stand waiting for something to wander into range (just like my rugged ancestors used to do) I stick to several cans of beer (just like my rugged ancestors did.)  No way I'm going to let tobacco cut my years of slaughtering wildlife short, no sir."

Downright inspiring.

Mob of Rampant Stupidity

I am not surprised that the network which has assaulted us with Judge Judith Sheinlin's non-legal version of "Justice" managed to find dozens of people to pull this crap.  I would not be surprised if each and every one of the people who took part in this did it for nothing but a few moments of face time on tv, and absolutely no money was transferred.

Here's why:  "Judge" Judy's show has, for 17 years, been nothing more than a parade of barely-literate mouth-breathers who have loaned the wrong people money surrendering their last shred of dignity in exchange for the opportunity to be on television.  Seventeen years of obese high-school dropouts who are all aspiring actresses (and real-life hairdressers) who are pissed at ex-boyfriends/ fathers of some of their children (who are all Temporarily Between Jobs I'm Trying to Get My Life Together Judge Construction Workers) and who thought that they were paying the rent and electricity and taking him on trips as Favors which would be Repaid, while he was quite clear from the start that This Was All Her Idea and he Never Promised Anything in Return and all the money and favors were Gifts, Your Honor.  With a few minor tweaks- sometimes there's a bb gun and a dog involved, and sometimes the scene is a trailer park instead of a low-end suburb or downtown LA- that's the drill, twice a day, five days a week- for seventeen freaking years.

What exactly are we "celebrating" here?  The popularity of a "Judge" who more often than not decides cases with Solomon-level wisdom like "I don't believe you" or "no you didn't?"  That millions of people think that what she does has something to do with being an actual judge and deciding actual cases?  That millions of people think this is what "law" looks like?  Why would we want to celebrate that?

Despicable McDonalds

I actually liked the first Despicable Me movie.  I thought it was a sweet, entertaining little surprise.  The sequel?  Ten minutes in I felt like I was watching a film that had been cobbled together with no sense of direction by people who had so many dollar signs in their eyes that they couldn't be bothered with a script.  The only guiding principles of the sequel were "stick the Minions everywhere" and "use the fart gun (which was just a MISTAKE and a TEN SECOND GAG in the first film) as many times as possible."  I didn't care about Gru finding a wife, I didn't care about the little girl finding a boyfriend, I thought "El Macho" came off like a stale remnant from some racially insensitive 1960s Saturday morning cartoon, and was pretty darned happy when the whole experience was over.

Ok, now on to this commercial.  We see Minions being Minions, doing things we really don't want to see your kids mimicking if and when we ever go to McDonalds.  They seem to be settling down to a "meal" of four Chicken McNuggets each which has magically become "good for you" because it's being washed down with milk.  Uh-huh.  And if you would like to make it "even better," hey, you can get apple slices!  Double Uh-huh.  Doesn't really change the fact that you are eating greasy fried chicken things (and, let's face it, greasy fried potatoes, too.  Because kids who willingly pick apple slices over french fries are being raised by parents who wouldn't bring them to McDonalds in the first place, ok?)

Here's what McDonald's should say in this ad, just to make it a little honest:  "Hey, check out these guys- they are the reason why your kids dragged you to see Despicable Me 2 and will drag you to see Despicable Me 3, 4 and 5 if we can crank them out before your kids outgrow them (remember how you thought you dodged a bullet because they were too young to demand to be brought to the yearly Shrek abominations?) Well, guess what?  Your kids love them, so you'd better haul their fat asses to McDonalds if you want anything resembling peace in your home."

"Oh, and if you listen to this commercial carefully, you'll note that we only implied that Happy Meals are 'good for you' if you are an imaginary cartoon character, and not an actual human being with nutritional needs.  Our lawyers have checked it out, and we are covered."