Amy the Amazon Kindle Sprite lives on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Which is in downtown Karachi.

Before I get to Amy and the sad shipwreck that is her life, I just have to spend a moment snarking on the concept of a "Mayday Button" on the new Kindle Fire.  I mean, jeeesh....I have an old-fashioned Kindle, with e-ink and no color.  Doesn't sound familiar?  It's for reading books.  Still doesn't sound familiar? Sigh....

Anyway, my lame, black and white non-TV streaming Kindle doesn't have a Mayday button because it doesn't need one.  What Kindle is telling me here is that their new version is so damned complicated, it has to include what is in effect a panic button that puts the owner in contact with a grinning zombie eager to guide you around your new little toy, You Clueless Dumbfuck Why Don't You Just Ask One Of Your Kids To Help You?

Ok, enough of whole "Mayday Button" thing- is Amy the Kindle Sprite related to the Magic State Farm Insurance Genie? Because if those ads are at all realistic, it means that there is an army of Eternally Happy to Be Of Service At A Moment's Notice women just waiting to be summoned by clueless morons who Need Help Right Now.   Anyone else think that the instantaneous appearance of Amy is more than a little disturbing?  What was she doing before this guy pushed that Mayday button?  Staring at a blank screen, wishing some drooling moron would rub the Kindle in just the right way and summon her from her freaking bottle?

Come to think of it, Kindle and State Farm aren't the only commercials which sell the idea that there is an entire population of people out there just waiting to fly to our assistance whenever we are befuddled by anything for more than a few seconds.  There are those Lincoln Concierge ads, where all one has to do is stare lustfully at a particular car to have someone magically materialize in front of you to explain how awesome it is an book a test drive.  There's those spots for OnStar which feature disembodied voices thrilled to death to have the opportunity to book reservations and buy flowers for thoughtless moron buttmunches who are simply too busy to remember to do that shit for themselves.  The message is pretty clear- if you've got money, you are a button-push away from getting some drone sitting in a cubicle to wipe your nose for you.

So my question is- who the hell are these people who respond to the pushing of buttons labeled "OnStar" or "Chat with an Agent" or "Mayday?" What happened in their lives to drive them to being handmaidens for loathsomely clueless fucktards who can't be bothered to read a manual (or a website) or anything else if hey, look, here's someone who will do it for me?  Do they ever think about it?  Do they dream of being on the other end of that button some day?  Or are they just grateful to be picking up a paycheck?

Oh, and one more thing- come on, seriously.  Amy- and all the other "click here to talk to someone right now" minions- live on the other side of the planet, right?  Like in Pakistan?  And they don't look at all like Amy, do they?  Much darker and significantly less blonde?  And there's nothing about their paycheck that justifies this level of giddiness- am I right?

And we are in for another month of this. It's going to be a painful December

There are several of these Best Buy "'twas the night before Christmas" ads.

They all feature "parents" congratulating themselves on buying something expensive for their kids.

And being appreciated by those kids, if only for a day.

They find this joyous.  We are supposed to find this charming.

We are disgusted, and grossed out, and frankly very, very sad.

And then we realize that oh my god, they were actually rhyming this.  And we remember fondly the times we half-watched, half-listened to these ads and didn't notice.   Those times when these ads were just depressing, and just made us want to cry a little, and didn't fill us with rage at what has become of the season.

And I didn't even comment on the whole "Holy Grail" imagery.

I have to go lie down now.

Oh, and why can't this guy just fall and break his stupid neck? Why don't I ever get anything I want?

There are a few things I've never understood about ads for BMW, Audi, Cadillac, Jaguar, or any of the other high-end car companies.

First- they always feature people who seem to be married (or at least, living together) buying each other these very expensive cars as holiday presents.  When I was married, my wife and I had a joint checking account.  All the money we made was deposited into that account.  There was no "her money" and "my money," there was "our money."  So when one of us bought something for the other, we were using OUR money to do it.  I'd skip meals at work and find other ways to save to make sure I had enough money to buy her something very nice- but "very nice" never meant a freaking $40,000 car.   If she had wanted a car, she would not have hinted at it like the child in this commercial does- she would have told me "hey, honey?  WE need to replace my car.  Let's figure out what WE can afford."  She would not have dropped hints that I should find an extra several thousand dollars somewhere and buy her a toy with four wheels, because again- her money and my money was our money.

Second, who the hell can relate to these ads, anyway?  White people living in suburban palaces (where are the perfect kids?) who would like it very much if they got a BMW in their stockings?  I mean, come on- does this happen in real life, anywhere?  Should I just be grateful that this isn't a Lexus December To Remember You Are Better commercial, and we don't actually see the Appropriately Not Clean-Shaven Guy being handed the keys to a car with a massive ribbon wrapped around it?  Because I'm not, really (mainly because I know that's coming, very soon...)

Third, what kind of materialistic jagoff wants one of these cars anyway?  Maybe they are supposed to tell the world "I've arrived, I'm successful, get out of my way while admiring me."  All they say to me is "I'm shallow, I've got money burning a hole in my pocket, and my soul is so dark that this is all I can think of to do with that money in a world which is starving to death around me."

Couldn't quite pull the trigger, Eh Dunkin Donuts?

There's so much missing in this Dunkin Donuts Ad!

Where's the cursing?  Were's the "Oh no you DID-n't?"  Where's the word "bitch" used at least twenty times in thirty seconds?

Come on, Dunkin Donuts!  If you are going to portray African American women as insecure, possessive, paranoid weirdos, and African American men as neutered puppies in mortal fear of them, why not go all Mamma's Family on us?  Let's see some head-and-finger wagging, hip-swinging, nose-to-nose bug-eyed action here!

What's with this Brady Bunch-level, inoffensive bs?  What are you afraid of?  Come ON, Dunkin Donuts!  Go there!  You KNOW you want to!

More sick, sad, sexist crap from Walmart

1.  Where are the guys?  Oh wait- this commercial features parents supervising children.  They aren't hauling bags of dirt around in pickup trucks or spraying weed killer on to lawns or using sledgehammers to "remodel" houses or grilling dead animal parts.  Why would there be guys around?

2. "Own the Season."  Yeah, that's nice.  That would be the Season which starts right around the same time the Halloween candy goes on sale and ends around the time the Attached Among Us are reminded that we haven't given our Significant Other a piece of jewelry for a few months, so.....'tis the season to fill our carts with cheap crap from Walmart.  And pretend we are doing something worthwhile and not just shoveling money into the bloated pockets of Sam Walton's evil spawn.

BTW, don't try to tell me you don't want to borrow a sledgehammer from one of those Guys and use it on the smug faces of these awful women.  Because I won't believe you.  Not for a moment.

It's a daytime drama! It's a cereal commercial! It's a daytime drama! It's a cereal commercial!

So I'm sitting here in front of my Toshiba Satellite Laptop Computer eating a Snickers Bar (Snickers Really Satisfies and besides, You're Not Yourself When You're Hungry) when I happen across this clip from a soap opera I've never actually seen in real life, really I haven't so stop suggesting that I'm a regular, ok?  I haven't watched a soap on a regular basis since they pulled Natalie (or was it her evil twin?) out of that well on All My Children back in the early-90s.  And I didn't even watch that show very often, so shut up.

Anyway, the very subtle Cheerios commercial embedded in this clip barely registered on the consciousness, don't you think?  I mean, I sure wasn't hungry for the Toasted Whole Grain Oats after I saw it, though I did find myself craving a cup of coffee when it was over- maybe the wrong subliminal message came through?  Or maybe I just don't have any Cheerios in the house?

I'll ponder it as I gulp down another Diet Coke (Just for the Taste of It) and channel-surfing my Verizon Fios menu (when you get Fios, that's when you Get It.)  And try to remember what I thought was so compelling about this--- umm, television drama clip, and why I thought it belonged in a blog about commercials.  Maybe it's the blonde.  She is awfully cute.  I wonder what her favorite cereal is?

I hope Davy Crockett falls, breaks his leg, and dies cold and alone out there. Being eaten by Bambi's dad

"As a hunter, I know the thrill, the raw excitement involved in hiding halfway up a tree for several hours waiting for one of God's Innocent Creatures to wander by in it's endless search for food.  I know the electric tingle that crawls up my back as I pull an arrow from my quiver, bend back my $900 PSE Dream Season Compound Bow with Mossy Oak Infinity Camo (seriously)  and let a sharp metal shaft fly into the guts of a strong, healthy buck.  I know the moment of exultation which erupts in concert with the great beast's collapse to the forest floor.  I know the flow of adrenaline when the arrow doesn't quite hit true, and I engage in the pursuit of a terrified, wounded, bleeding animal as it attempts to carry off the very expensive arrow (they can cost $10 or more each- again, seriously) that continues to rend it's internal organs."

"I wouldn't wreck that experience with chewing or smoking tobacco.  Chewing tobacco can cause mouth cancer.  Smoking tobacco is even worse- prey usually have a very well-developed sense of smell, and one cigarette can give your position away and ruin my best chance all weekend to bring down a large mammal that was just minding it's own business until I came along with my medieval concept of communing with nature."

"So when I'm sitting in my deer stand waiting for something to wander into range (just like my rugged ancestors used to do) I stick to several cans of beer (just like my rugged ancestors did.)  No way I'm going to let tobacco cut my years of slaughtering wildlife short, no sir."

Downright inspiring.