Now, you just need to find freedom from your child-endangering stupidity

I guess the e-cigarette wins her approval because hey, it's not a vaccine.  But anyway....

Maybe now that you've embraced a way to quit smoking, maybe you could break free of your apparent addiction to plastic surgery?

Seriously, woman.  You are 41 years old.  It's not a death sentence.  Own it.  Before you contain more plastic than the Barbie doll you are desperately trying to resemble.

(Oh, and BTW, congratulations on your success in quitting smoking.  I'm told that it's an extremely difficult addiction to escape.  However you actually managed to do it, good for you.  Now please, just grow old gracefully already.  And learn something about vaccines before you do any more harm, moron.)

My long-standing issue with Kentucky FRIED Chicken

It's not this particular commercial, which seems to feature entire families who are so stunted in their ability to show emotion that they think handing someone a deep-fried bird part is an acceptable alternative to using words (but seriously, just look at these weirdos- their whole lives seem to revolve around the ritualistic Sharing Of The Chicken.  What the hell?)

It's not the implied message that Greasy Crap=Love.  Because in a world where Cars=Love, Texts=Love, and Consumption in General=Love, this is pretty tame.

Nope, what has always bothered about me with KFC ads is the Magic Overflowing Bucket which appears in every single one.  It doesn't matter if two people are sharing the chicken, or twenty.  When you see a bucket of KFC, it's always bursting with over-sized legs, thighs and breasts.  At one point in the commercial I embedded here, a leg is delicately lifted from a mountain of pieces which looks in real danger of collapsing under it's own weight. Anyone who has ever actually purchased a bucket of chicken from KFC knows that in real life, the bucket is maybe 2/3 full with a greasy white plastic lid shoved into it.  The overflowing bucket is only possible if you take two buckets and try to shove them together into one.  And that STILL won't get you the huge golden-brown plastic things you see in these ads- generally the fried chicken I've seen from this place is much smaller, darker and drier-looking.

Next time you find yourself watching one of these ads, note that there might be a dozen people sitting around, each one eating chicken- yet at the center of the room you'll see the bucket, still overflowing as if has yet to be touched.  Like some mythical food-providing table cloth or cauldron from an ancient kid's story, except I'm not sure I would actually want to refer to KFC as "food."

However, there is one good thing that comes out of these KFC ads- they give me the opportunity to share one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite films (skip to 1:16 to see it.)  A bottomless bag of coffee- now THAT'S something I could really use!

JC Penny sticks its own dagger into the heart of humanity. No response required, or permitted

It's hardly surprising that the official version of this ad on YouTube not only forbids embedding, but even commenting.  It's as if JC Penny KNOWS this is atrocious, disgusting garbage and simply doesn't want to hear about it or share it's shame.

So why did they even bother to put together an ad which features people literally begging to say goodbye to the family and giving thanks and all that crap and head off to the crowded mall and overworked, underpaid minions and shop shop shop shop shop, shop shop shop shop?  Do they WANT us to hate them?

If so, mission accomplished.  I'm cutting up my JC Penny card.  And sharing this on my blog, well aware that the video will probably be yanked from YouTube before the end of the day because while Penny's wants to you get the message, they sure as hell don't want you to reflect on it, comment on it, or share it.  Because they know that while they are revoltingly greedy, amoral dickwads, they also know that most of us aren't and will be repelled by this if we just think about it for more than a few seconds.

If he bought houses this frequently, this guy could single-handedly rescue the economy

In the sequel to this stupid little nub of nothing, the fat doofus looking to buy a truck here comes back with his equally vapid, dumb-looking spawn and re-introduces himself to Jan, our favorite frozen-smile Toyota spokeschoad.  I'll be sure to post that one when it pops up on YouTube, but because we all like to be reminded of the original before we catch Part II....

Fat Moron wants a car "to pull his boat."  He lets us know very quickly that it's a Big boat.  Hmmm...big truck.  Big boat.  Big gut.  Big, stupid, flabby face.  Everything about this guy seems to be big.  Well, everything visible, anyway.  Because check out his inability to admit to Jan that his boat is smaller than the freaking SPACE SHUTTLE.  Yeah, that's one confident male you are working with, Jan.

Now we know that fatass drove off with a Toyota Tundra, because less than a year later he's going to be back to purchase a brand new one, ready to hand off the 2012 model to his son (no, seriously.  I'm not kidding.  I need to figure out a way to get this guy to adopt me, so I can get myself a free truck next November when the shiny 2015 models come out and this guy gets distracted by the glowing chrome again.) Are we supposed to relate to an obese douche who can just belly up to the counter at Toyota every 12 months and sign up for lease payments on a new truck?  What planet am I on again?

And who the hell gives a kid a practically-new truck anyway?  Oh wait- that's in the sequel.  Got to save some snark for that one.  Sorry.

Yes, he actually said "Accessing Brain Information" out loud

Stereotype Nerd Name:  Check.

Stereotype Everyone In Offices With Even a Rudimentary Knowledge of Computers is a fat, pasty, chinless geek:  Check.

As for the rest- kind of makes you wonder why the average office desk jockey would feel the need to seek advice from Your Company's Computer Guy on a question so mundane as "where can I buy a tablet."  So only Computer Guys notice the endless stream of commercials for tablets?  Only Computer Guys know about this mysterious corporation called "Verizon?"  What the hell?

Oh, and Pointlessly Obvious Geek is also Neurotic and Lacking in Basic Social Skills:  Check.  "Could you move your beverage away from the keyboard...." Beverage?  "..it's making me Anxious."  Anxious?  Oh yeah, we get it- you are tech-savvy, which means you must be tech-paranoid, besides being incapable of talking to fellow carbon-based life forms without using stilted language.  Sigh.  Whatever.

Thanks, T Mobile. I can die now that I am totally lost.

The only way this commercial makes any sense at all is if we have finally reached the day I kind of thought we would get to within a few years anyway:  The day where it's perfectly reasonable to believe that someone would "send like a hundred texts," get no response regardless of the urgency of the messages, yet never once actually use her phone to MAKE A PHONE CALL.

The woman in this ad fell off her bike and broke her arm, but still found it more convenient to text her boyfriend instead of calling him.  She got to the hospital and texted him again.  She needed a ride home, and texted him again. She just kept texting and texting.  From the dialogue in this ad, it never even occurred to her to JUST STOP TEXTING AND DIAL HIS FREAKING NUMBER YOU BRAINLESS DUMBASS!!

Maybe they aren't the kind of "friends" who can actually talk on the phone.  Seems kind of odd, if she was expecting him to rush to the hospital and give her a ride home.  Plus, he calls her "baby."  Maybe I just don't get Relationship Etiquette in 2013.  That's plausible.

Still- "send like a hundred texts" and not a single actual call made?  Oh wait- are there cell phones that don't have calling options anymore?  No, no- I'm not that far behind the curve...am I?

And by the way, what kind of contract doesn't allow you to actually replace a broken phone?  I thought all phone companies spent their time trying to get us to "upgrade" our perfectly GOOD phones- this guy is working with a company that won't LET him swap out a BROKEN one?

Seriously.  What the hell?

Amy the Amazon Kindle Sprite lives on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Which is in downtown Karachi.

Before I get to Amy and the sad shipwreck that is her life, I just have to spend a moment snarking on the concept of a "Mayday Button" on the new Kindle Fire.  I mean, jeeesh....I have an old-fashioned Kindle, with e-ink and no color.  Doesn't sound familiar?  It's for reading books.  Still doesn't sound familiar? Sigh....

Anyway, my lame, black and white non-TV streaming Kindle doesn't have a Mayday button because it doesn't need one.  What Kindle is telling me here is that their new version is so damned complicated, it has to include what is in effect a panic button that puts the owner in contact with a grinning zombie eager to guide you around your new little toy, You Clueless Dumbfuck Why Don't You Just Ask One Of Your Kids To Help You?

Ok, enough of whole "Mayday Button" thing- is Amy the Kindle Sprite related to the Magic State Farm Insurance Genie? Because if those ads are at all realistic, it means that there is an army of Eternally Happy to Be Of Service At A Moment's Notice women just waiting to be summoned by clueless morons who Need Help Right Now.   Anyone else think that the instantaneous appearance of Amy is more than a little disturbing?  What was she doing before this guy pushed that Mayday button?  Staring at a blank screen, wishing some drooling moron would rub the Kindle in just the right way and summon her from her freaking bottle?

Come to think of it, Kindle and State Farm aren't the only commercials which sell the idea that there is an entire population of people out there just waiting to fly to our assistance whenever we are befuddled by anything for more than a few seconds.  There are those Lincoln Concierge ads, where all one has to do is stare lustfully at a particular car to have someone magically materialize in front of you to explain how awesome it is an book a test drive.  There's those spots for OnStar which feature disembodied voices thrilled to death to have the opportunity to book reservations and buy flowers for thoughtless moron buttmunches who are simply too busy to remember to do that shit for themselves.  The message is pretty clear- if you've got money, you are a button-push away from getting some drone sitting in a cubicle to wipe your nose for you.

So my question is- who the hell are these people who respond to the pushing of buttons labeled "OnStar" or "Chat with an Agent" or "Mayday?" What happened in their lives to drive them to being handmaidens for loathsomely clueless fucktards who can't be bothered to read a manual (or a website) or anything else if hey, look, here's someone who will do it for me?  Do they ever think about it?  Do they dream of being on the other end of that button some day?  Or are they just grateful to be picking up a paycheck?

Oh, and one more thing- come on, seriously.  Amy- and all the other "click here to talk to someone right now" minions- live on the other side of the planet, right?  Like in Pakistan?  And they don't look at all like Amy, do they?  Much darker and significantly less blonde?  And there's nothing about their paycheck that justifies this level of giddiness- am I right?