Well, at least Chevy Malibu lets us know who to blame....

Somewhere buried in this mess is kind of a nice message- "life isn't perfect."  Of course, we who do not live in TV land didn't really need to be reminded of this, but since 99.9 percent of car commercials show Pretty Perfect People living Pretty Perfect Lives in their Pretty Perfect Houses and Pretty Perfect Cars, it's not a bad thing to have this acknowledged in what I eventually figured out was an ad for Chevy Malibu.

The problem is, the nice message really is buried in a mess which SEEMS to be a CELL PHONE commercial.  We see this stupid, ugly moron staring at his stupid phone, explaining to us how much "we" enjoy capturing- and think it's very very important to capture- every freaking moment of the lives of his children.  And not just capture, but post.  He worries that "we" edit too much- we only show the "good" stuff- and in doing so send a false message.  In other words, this idiot thinks that people only believe what they see on Facebook- if all we witness is the fun, we'll think that all his family is doing is having fun.

Odd- I don't think this way.  If I thought that everyone on Facebook was only living the lives I saw on Facebook, I'd be so damned depressed I'd just have to stop looking at it.  This guy looks like he's too old to have grown up with Facebook- does he think that photo albums tell unadulterated truth?  And does he really believe that people who "edit too much" are the problem?  Personally, I think that people don't edit anywhere near enough- the stuff they think I'm interested in (I really need to see another picture of your three-week old kid, the one you posted four hours ago is out of date) never ceases to astonish (read: bore) me...

Even more odd is the way he suggests that "we" fix this "problem" (seriously, this guy thinks too much about nothing and has way too much time on his hands.)  He muses that maybe we ought to just post everything- good lord, including his little kids dealing with lice (I'm not kidding- congratulations, dad, those kids will never stop hating you, ever) and Junior's Little Car Accident (why does anyone else need to know this happened?  Why would anyone else- let alone EVERYONE else- care?)

Does the word "privacy" mean anything at all to this clod?  "Look, my kids have lice!  Look, my kid damaged the car!*  Look, my kid wet the bed (ok, we don't actually see this, but it connects logically, doesn't it?")

Oh, and remember- this is a Chevy Malibu commercial.  Not a cell phone commercial, not a Facebook commercial.  Remember I used the word "mess" earlier?

PS- "Somewhere between that trip to Paris and that 6-week Juice Cleanse."  Oh seriously, fuck off you privileged, clueless one-percenter dickwad.

*The kid makes it very clear that he doesn't want his accident put on the internet.  Parent's response-"who cares what you want?  We are living an uncensored, unedited life!  Online it goes!"

Nexus almost gives us a good commercial. Almost.

This commercial for Google Nexus 7 Whatever isn't horrible- in fact, compared to most of the hideous dreck out there, it's almost good.  Father* playing with son in the woods- ok, that's sweet, not bad.  I especially like where they catch a frog and then look it up on the internet- maybe the first-ever use of a cell phone in an ad that I can actually understand and approve of.  Good for you, Dad- taking advantage of a learning moment.  I would have just taken a photo and saved the research for later, but that's me- no big problem with your decision to do it right away, you've got that phone glued to your hand anyway.

 Just a few questions-

1.  Why does Dad feel the need to play Jurassic Park (or Walking with Dinosaurs, whatever that is) on his phone while his son is looking at actual wildlife?  The way he shrugs when Son notices him- is he admitting that hey, I'm bored with spending time with you, kid, and thought I'd just watch a movie?  Is Dad playing a little joke on his son- like "I'm going to hold this up and my kid will have exactly the right magnification and catch the phone screen at just the right angle so he'll think that there are actually dinosaurs in the backyard- and then he'll realize there aren't and he'll either think I'm funny or just a dick?"  Or is he quietly admitting that "hey, frogs are nice and all but CGI dinosaurs are much better- actually, the creatures we can observe and catch out here are pretty damned lame compared to these CGI dinosaurs, aren't they son?"

2.  Turns out these guys are in the backyard- so why didn't dad run in to get his son a bandage when he picked up the bruise?  Was he afraid that this might throw off the whole "great outdoors" experience?  Umm....I really think that the constant use of your little electronic toy is doing that already, Dad....

3.  This father and son are out under the stars, with a campfire- and they still need to watch cartoons and play electronic checkers?  Really?  How about just talking to each other?  Is this so damned hard?

*After a few viewings, it began to occur to me that this commercial actually has "Mom's boyfriend trying to bond with her son" spewed all over it.  There sure isn't a whole lot of natural warmth here.

Well, "greatest" after this big, shiny Chrysler, of course

Yes, if you've got yourself an ostentatious mansion in the 'burbs, a perfect family, and a massive, Look at Me I'm Better Than You SUV to drive them all around in, nothing makes you feel like you aren't quite going to hell like dropping off a few excess gifts at the local toy drive bin.

Hey, Eurotrash dickwad with a car that cost more than it takes to feed Nigeria for a year- if you think your head isn't going to end up on a pike just because you bought a few extra presents for Cody and Dillon so they could experience the Joy of Giving To Their Lessers (and the special joy of doing it in the most showy way imaginable, arriving in Dad's 11 MPG Gleaming Studmobile) you've got another think coming.  You are still heading for the inferno, you pompous one-percent piece of feces.

Want to "give something back?"  Start with that disgustingly unnecessary car of yours.  Turn it in to the dealer, get your money back, buy something just as functional for half the cost, and give the difference to a soup kitchen.  Hey, what a great message that would send your kids- Dad is willing to give up one of HIS toys, too!  Yeah, that's going to happen.

Oh, and "Most Refined Brand?"  Fuck off, Chrysler.

"Road Closed? I don't understand- we're white and rich!"

But not literate, apparently.  Because most people don't really need "road closed" explained to them.

In the real world, lady, this means that you and your privileged hubby and spawn turn your pretty SUV around and go right back down to the visitor's center.  Or better yet, you park your fricking boat right there and start hiking up to "Glacier Point" (really, whatever.)  In short, you get a little education in Just Because You Own This Car Doesn't Mean You Get To Go Everywhere In It, Douchenozzle.

"Keep up keep up keep up"-- yeah, because it's very, very important that you get the view from Glacier Point while sitting your pampered ass on the heated seat of your SUV (note that the kids are so interested in chasing a guy on a dog sled that they are both watching their own cartoons on their own in-seat DVD players.  Jeesh...)

And naturally, it ends with these idiots wanting to be escorted to the next Off-Limits To Motor Vehicles Except Yours Of Course site. Ugh.

Here's how this commercial SHOULD end- turns out the "guide" is just a lunatic (after my own heart) who decides that since these disgusting idiots insist that "Road Closed" simply can NOT apply to them, he'll just take them up the dangerous mountain in their overpriced SuperCar and leave them there to die.  And that's what happens- this lovely family freezes to death, their SUV serving as a lovely tomb trapped in a drift, tires spinning helplessly until the damn thing runs out of gas (well, how long could THAT take?)  Because I am sick to death of reading about people like these choads being rescued from their own asshattery on my dime.

Or they are eaten by those dogs.  Either way.

When a Geico punchline falls in the forest, it makes a sound. It's the audience, groaning.

1.  Yes, "everybody knows that."  Of course, what "everybody knows" is not that "fifteen minutes can save you fifteen percent."  It's "everybody knows that's been Geico's motto since roughly the Polk Administration."

2.  Why does this woman feel compelled to voice the vapid non-thought which popped into her brain when she saw the commercial? Is she showing off her reading skills?  Like "check me out, I can comprehend what the screen says.  Impressive, huh?"

3.  If you are working out and you can carry on a conversation like this, you aren't working out.  These women achieve a more rapid heartbeat sprawled on their couches, surfing their cable selection.

4.  If you didn't know way in advance that the stupid tree falling in the stupid forest was going to say "little help?" you were either not paying attention, REALLY stupid, or a liar.  Because wow, talk about an obvious line.

5.  Is Geico even capable of producing a commercial which effectively sells it's product? Because there's no evidence of this that I have ever seen.

Now, you just need to find freedom from your child-endangering stupidity

I guess the e-cigarette wins her approval because hey, it's not a vaccine.  But anyway....

Maybe now that you've embraced a way to quit smoking, maybe you could break free of your apparent addiction to plastic surgery?

Seriously, woman.  You are 41 years old.  It's not a death sentence.  Own it.  Before you contain more plastic than the Barbie doll you are desperately trying to resemble.

(Oh, and BTW, congratulations on your success in quitting smoking.  I'm told that it's an extremely difficult addiction to escape.  However you actually managed to do it, good for you.  Now please, just grow old gracefully already.  And learn something about vaccines before you do any more harm, moron.)

My long-standing issue with Kentucky FRIED Chicken

It's not this particular commercial, which seems to feature entire families who are so stunted in their ability to show emotion that they think handing someone a deep-fried bird part is an acceptable alternative to using words (but seriously, just look at these weirdos- their whole lives seem to revolve around the ritualistic Sharing Of The Chicken.  What the hell?)

It's not the implied message that Greasy Crap=Love.  Because in a world where Cars=Love, Texts=Love, and Consumption in General=Love, this is pretty tame.

Nope, what has always bothered about me with KFC ads is the Magic Overflowing Bucket which appears in every single one.  It doesn't matter if two people are sharing the chicken, or twenty.  When you see a bucket of KFC, it's always bursting with over-sized legs, thighs and breasts.  At one point in the commercial I embedded here, a leg is delicately lifted from a mountain of pieces which looks in real danger of collapsing under it's own weight. Anyone who has ever actually purchased a bucket of chicken from KFC knows that in real life, the bucket is maybe 2/3 full with a greasy white plastic lid shoved into it.  The overflowing bucket is only possible if you take two buckets and try to shove them together into one.  And that STILL won't get you the huge golden-brown plastic things you see in these ads- generally the fried chicken I've seen from this place is much smaller, darker and drier-looking.

Next time you find yourself watching one of these ads, note that there might be a dozen people sitting around, each one eating chicken- yet at the center of the room you'll see the bucket, still overflowing as if has yet to be touched.  Like some mythical food-providing table cloth or cauldron from an ancient kid's story, except I'm not sure I would actually want to refer to KFC as "food."

However, there is one good thing that comes out of these KFC ads- they give me the opportunity to share one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite films (skip to 1:16 to see it.)  A bottomless bag of coffee- now THAT'S something I could really use!