Tuesday, December 10, 2013
If you thought "Chocolate Diamonds" were dumb, check THIS out!
What if you could take rare, expensive diamonds and make them look like the plastic costume jewelry you can get out of a gumball machine?
Personally? If I were a guy willing to spend a thousand dollars or more on a rock for some girl, and that girl said she wanted that diamond to be bright pink or blue or green, I'd be more than a little irritated. I'm pretty sure my first thought would be "um, if you are going to wear something that looks like Junk, then why don't I just BUY junk and save a lot of money? Hey, I'm just asking, honey!"
What's next? This is like putting Golden Arches on a high-scale restaurant- "sure, it LOOKS cheap, but wait 'till you see how much the entrees cost!" Or maybe Lexus will offer a model with built-in dents and scratches, with no reduction in cost. Hey, check out this $2 mil condo- it's in a great neighborhood and comes with real hardwood floors and a gorgeous spiral staircase-- the washing machines are in the basement, and take quarters.
Seriously, this is just nuts. I can just see people wearing these cheap-looking things and spending all their time "casually" mentioning to passer-bys that "sure, they LOOK like something an eight-year old would find in a Cracker Jack Box, but they are real and cost big bucks! I swear!"
Monday, December 9, 2013
The Release of Pompeii- I guess they were just waiting for the CGI to catch up?
Back in 1972, a little movie called The Poseidon Adventure launched the first Disaster Film Era. Over the rest of the decade, Hollywood dished out a seemingly endless series of mostly-bad films depicting B-actors finding themselves in Really Terrible Predicaments featuring tidal waves, volcanoes, meteors, fire, killer insects and amphibians- I was pretty sure that by the time the whole thing wound down around 1980 they hadn't left a single possible disaster scenario unexplored. Some of them had big budgets- there were the four Airport films. The Towering Inferno (that one had Paul Newman AND O.J. Simpson.) Meteor (which bankrupted a studio and almost ended Sean Connery's career.) Then there were the Direct-To-The-Drive-In low-budget Let's Make Ed Wood Proud features like The Killer Bees and The Frogs (I actually saw that one- the only scenes I remember were the ones with the guy being eaten by leeches and the end with the frogs riding on the record player. That was fun.)
According to my friend over at the Haphazardstuff.com blog, the release of the original (and by far the best) spoof film, Airplane! in 1980 pretty much nailed the coffin on an idea which had been worn threadbare anyway, and the first Disaster Film Era came to an unsung end. The 80s were dominated by Star Wars and Indiana Jones and Back to the Future, and our optimism didn't leave any room for screaming, desperate, frightened idiots trying to escape impending doom (unless the impending doom was in the form of a guy with a big knife wearing a hockey mask.)
In the 90s we had a mini-revival of the Disaster Film craze with Twister (if you've never seen it, you must not own a TV, because with the possible exception of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, I don't think any film has been rebroadcast as often) Armageddon, Deep Impact (despite the aforementioned failure of Meteor, Hollywood seemed pretty convinced that there was an appetite for Big Rocks Falling from Space to kill us story lines,) Volcano, Dante's Peak (which should have convinced the Broccolis to stick with Dalton. Idiots.) And of course the ultimate disaster flick, the most overrated film of all time, Titanic.*
More recently, we've had a Poseidon remake. Let's just forget that one, shall we?
Well, maybe my readers won't believe this, but more than a decade ago, while watching Gladiator and wondering how many togas-and-sandals imitators it would spawn, I found myself also wondering why Hollywood hadn't recreated the story of Pompeii since around the silent era. Maybe it was considered during the first two Disaster Eras and rejected as too pricey? So the only thing I find surprising about the impending release of Pompeii is what took so long. Sure, Showtime gave us Spartacus: Sweat, Sex and Sandals (ok, I don't really know what each season is called, I just know the show lasted longer than the actual slave rebellion) and HBO the superior Rome, but the story of the Big Volcano that Blew Up and Gave Us an Awesomely Preserved Tourist Attraction seemed like a lost opportunity at the time.
But here it is. I'm sure it's going to be awful- but that's fine, as long as it doesn't lead to another Disaster Film Era. I think the next Batman film will be more than enough disaster for this decade.
*Rose killed Jack. She had multiple opportunities to just get on one of the lifeboats, and each time she refused so she could continue to be a millstone around Jack's neck. If she had just left him to take care of himself and not have to worry about saving her helpless butt every few minutes, he would have been on that raft by himself and they would have met up with the other survivors at the end. Idiot.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
One Dryer+ Sixteen Hours= More than one pizza, I'd think
1. Why is Jim so determined to use only one dryer for all of his clothes? It's clear that there are plenty of dryers that are not being used all around the one he is trying to break. And it's not to save money, because we are told it took "16 hours to dry all his clothes," and "his hoodie was still a little damp" even then.
2. Is Jim really eating pizza in a laundromat? Yeah, there's nothing like the smell of soap, bleach and dirty socks to get your appetite cranked up, huh, Jim?
3. Is Jim really going to be handling his finally sort-of-dry laundry with hands that just spent fifteen minutes delivering pizza to his face? Jim isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, is he?
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Well, thanks for clearing that up, Chevy
"Honey, what are you doing?"
"Acting like a moron. I am a Male, after all, and this IS a television commercial. What are YOU doing?"
"Emasculating you for no particularly good reason. I am a Female, after all, and this IS a television commercial."
Glad to see that everything is in its place, even in a Black Friday ad.
No kidding. It does not get sadder than this
This creepy mannequins in this commercial are chirping at us that the way to make the holidays a little brighter is to take out a loan on your car title and then use that money to buy stuff. While an even creepier elf-thing does a drunk little dance in the background (I don't know what that is about at all.)
If you don't have much money- here's an idea! Just put your car up as collateral, get yourself some extra money, and spend it on stuff you don't really need! I mean, your car is just sitting there, and people you know are expecting things under the tree- what are you waiting for?
Because this makes a lot more sense than just living within your freaking means, and rejecting the Buy Buy Buy message being force-fed to society every November through February (Thanksgiving to Valentine's Day has become 90-day orgy of excess, hasn't it?) Hey, do blood banks still pay for plasma donations?
Just.....wow.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Well, at least Chevy Malibu lets us know who to blame....
Somewhere buried in this mess is kind of a nice message- "life isn't perfect." Of course, we who do not live in TV land didn't really need to be reminded of this, but since 99.9 percent of car commercials show Pretty Perfect People living Pretty Perfect Lives in their Pretty Perfect Houses and Pretty Perfect Cars, it's not a bad thing to have this acknowledged in what I eventually figured out was an ad for Chevy Malibu.
The problem is, the nice message really is buried in a mess which SEEMS to be a CELL PHONE commercial. We see this stupid, ugly moron staring at his stupid phone, explaining to us how much "we" enjoy capturing- and think it's very very important to capture- every freaking moment of the lives of his children. And not just capture, but post. He worries that "we" edit too much- we only show the "good" stuff- and in doing so send a false message. In other words, this idiot thinks that people only believe what they see on Facebook- if all we witness is the fun, we'll think that all his family is doing is having fun.
Odd- I don't think this way. If I thought that everyone on Facebook was only living the lives I saw on Facebook, I'd be so damned depressed I'd just have to stop looking at it. This guy looks like he's too old to have grown up with Facebook- does he think that photo albums tell unadulterated truth? And does he really believe that people who "edit too much" are the problem? Personally, I think that people don't edit anywhere near enough- the stuff they think I'm interested in (I really need to see another picture of your three-week old kid, the one you posted four hours ago is out of date) never ceases to astonish (read: bore) me...
Even more odd is the way he suggests that "we" fix this "problem" (seriously, this guy thinks too much about nothing and has way too much time on his hands.) He muses that maybe we ought to just post everything- good lord, including his little kids dealing with lice (I'm not kidding- congratulations, dad, those kids will never stop hating you, ever) and Junior's Little Car Accident (why does anyone else need to know this happened? Why would anyone else- let alone EVERYONE else- care?)
Does the word "privacy" mean anything at all to this clod? "Look, my kids have lice! Look, my kid damaged the car!* Look, my kid wet the bed (ok, we don't actually see this, but it connects logically, doesn't it?")
Oh, and remember- this is a Chevy Malibu commercial. Not a cell phone commercial, not a Facebook commercial. Remember I used the word "mess" earlier?
PS- "Somewhere between that trip to Paris and that 6-week Juice Cleanse." Oh seriously, fuck off you privileged, clueless one-percenter dickwad.
*The kid makes it very clear that he doesn't want his accident put on the internet. Parent's response-"who cares what you want? We are living an uncensored, unedited life! Online it goes!"
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