Friday, December 13, 2013
Or just play the Quiet Game. That would work, too.
1. Passengers can't tell if a car "handles nicely." So shut up, stupid passenger with nothing intelligent to say. Why are you even talking at all? Shouldn't you be staring at your phone? That's what I see every passenger on the road doing, all the time, anyway (and way too many drivers, too.)
2. This guy put an entire pool together and had it filled with 17,000 gallons of water- but didn't use any nuts? And it held water for any length of time?
3. Wouldn't it be funny if the kid in the pool got seriously hurt because his dad is a moron? No? Then why did you think it was at all funny when the pool collapsed? Because in real life, that probably means the kid gets hurt, you hypocrite.
4. Once again, how do the two people in the car manage to come up with exactly the same mental image?
5. When the driver says "that would be like using nuts OR bolts" shouldn't the passenger reply "ok, forget it, I was just trying to make small talk. Doesn't this thing have a fricking stereo system?"
Thursday, December 12, 2013
We can all relate to this Audi ad, can't we?
One rich douchenozzle after another gets a glance at a new Audi, thinks about it for roughly three seconds, and then drops the keys to what we KNOW is a perfectly good (and almost certainly luxury) car into the Salvation Army donation bucket.
Look, I know this is just a commercial. But is this disturbingly sick or what? We are supposed to believe that not only are these jagoffs so rich that they can make a snap decision to buy an Audi, but that they don't even need the freaking trade-in value on their current car to get one.
Oh, and weird Elf Donation Girl? You and me both. I am seriously going to need a bigger bucket.
God, I hate this time of year.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
If you thought "Chocolate Diamonds" were dumb, check THIS out!
What if you could take rare, expensive diamonds and make them look like the plastic costume jewelry you can get out of a gumball machine?
Personally? If I were a guy willing to spend a thousand dollars or more on a rock for some girl, and that girl said she wanted that diamond to be bright pink or blue or green, I'd be more than a little irritated. I'm pretty sure my first thought would be "um, if you are going to wear something that looks like Junk, then why don't I just BUY junk and save a lot of money? Hey, I'm just asking, honey!"
What's next? This is like putting Golden Arches on a high-scale restaurant- "sure, it LOOKS cheap, but wait 'till you see how much the entrees cost!" Or maybe Lexus will offer a model with built-in dents and scratches, with no reduction in cost. Hey, check out this $2 mil condo- it's in a great neighborhood and comes with real hardwood floors and a gorgeous spiral staircase-- the washing machines are in the basement, and take quarters.
Seriously, this is just nuts. I can just see people wearing these cheap-looking things and spending all their time "casually" mentioning to passer-bys that "sure, they LOOK like something an eight-year old would find in a Cracker Jack Box, but they are real and cost big bucks! I swear!"
Monday, December 9, 2013
The Release of Pompeii- I guess they were just waiting for the CGI to catch up?
Back in 1972, a little movie called The Poseidon Adventure launched the first Disaster Film Era. Over the rest of the decade, Hollywood dished out a seemingly endless series of mostly-bad films depicting B-actors finding themselves in Really Terrible Predicaments featuring tidal waves, volcanoes, meteors, fire, killer insects and amphibians- I was pretty sure that by the time the whole thing wound down around 1980 they hadn't left a single possible disaster scenario unexplored. Some of them had big budgets- there were the four Airport films. The Towering Inferno (that one had Paul Newman AND O.J. Simpson.) Meteor (which bankrupted a studio and almost ended Sean Connery's career.) Then there were the Direct-To-The-Drive-In low-budget Let's Make Ed Wood Proud features like The Killer Bees and The Frogs (I actually saw that one- the only scenes I remember were the ones with the guy being eaten by leeches and the end with the frogs riding on the record player. That was fun.)
According to my friend over at the Haphazardstuff.com blog, the release of the original (and by far the best) spoof film, Airplane! in 1980 pretty much nailed the coffin on an idea which had been worn threadbare anyway, and the first Disaster Film Era came to an unsung end. The 80s were dominated by Star Wars and Indiana Jones and Back to the Future, and our optimism didn't leave any room for screaming, desperate, frightened idiots trying to escape impending doom (unless the impending doom was in the form of a guy with a big knife wearing a hockey mask.)
In the 90s we had a mini-revival of the Disaster Film craze with Twister (if you've never seen it, you must not own a TV, because with the possible exception of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, I don't think any film has been rebroadcast as often) Armageddon, Deep Impact (despite the aforementioned failure of Meteor, Hollywood seemed pretty convinced that there was an appetite for Big Rocks Falling from Space to kill us story lines,) Volcano, Dante's Peak (which should have convinced the Broccolis to stick with Dalton. Idiots.) And of course the ultimate disaster flick, the most overrated film of all time, Titanic.*
More recently, we've had a Poseidon remake. Let's just forget that one, shall we?
Well, maybe my readers won't believe this, but more than a decade ago, while watching Gladiator and wondering how many togas-and-sandals imitators it would spawn, I found myself also wondering why Hollywood hadn't recreated the story of Pompeii since around the silent era. Maybe it was considered during the first two Disaster Eras and rejected as too pricey? So the only thing I find surprising about the impending release of Pompeii is what took so long. Sure, Showtime gave us Spartacus: Sweat, Sex and Sandals (ok, I don't really know what each season is called, I just know the show lasted longer than the actual slave rebellion) and HBO the superior Rome, but the story of the Big Volcano that Blew Up and Gave Us an Awesomely Preserved Tourist Attraction seemed like a lost opportunity at the time.
But here it is. I'm sure it's going to be awful- but that's fine, as long as it doesn't lead to another Disaster Film Era. I think the next Batman film will be more than enough disaster for this decade.
*Rose killed Jack. She had multiple opportunities to just get on one of the lifeboats, and each time she refused so she could continue to be a millstone around Jack's neck. If she had just left him to take care of himself and not have to worry about saving her helpless butt every few minutes, he would have been on that raft by himself and they would have met up with the other survivors at the end. Idiot.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
One Dryer+ Sixteen Hours= More than one pizza, I'd think
1. Why is Jim so determined to use only one dryer for all of his clothes? It's clear that there are plenty of dryers that are not being used all around the one he is trying to break. And it's not to save money, because we are told it took "16 hours to dry all his clothes," and "his hoodie was still a little damp" even then.
2. Is Jim really eating pizza in a laundromat? Yeah, there's nothing like the smell of soap, bleach and dirty socks to get your appetite cranked up, huh, Jim?
3. Is Jim really going to be handling his finally sort-of-dry laundry with hands that just spent fifteen minutes delivering pizza to his face? Jim isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, is he?
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Well, thanks for clearing that up, Chevy
"Honey, what are you doing?"
"Acting like a moron. I am a Male, after all, and this IS a television commercial. What are YOU doing?"
"Emasculating you for no particularly good reason. I am a Female, after all, and this IS a television commercial."
Glad to see that everything is in its place, even in a Black Friday ad.
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