Calling BSers on their BS. "Inspired" by Fios

Never mind a deep analysis of this ad's obvious message- "we are taking note of our critics and are only too happy to come after you if we don't like what you say," let's just take a closer look at the disgusting, pasty douchenozzles who actually took the time to stop sucking their thumbs and bitch about a service which would have seemed utterly miraculous less than twenty years ago:

"Did you say 'my internet is so bad that it's giving my kids psychological problems?"

Steve: "Yes."

When Steve acknowledges that, yes, he admitted that his kids are so fucking shallow that less than stellar internet service is causing them deep emotional, life changing distress (or that HE is so fucking shallow that he thinks "Despicable Me 2 isn't streaming fast enough" equals "psychological distress") he's naturally treated to an upgrade.  Because the Dumbest Wheel gets the grease, after all.

"My internet is so slow it would be faster to look things up in the library?"  Did you post this?

"Yes."

Umm, when was the last time you were at a library?  When was the last thing you looked up other than the location of the nearest 24-hour Little Caesar's?  Are you actually trying to convince me that you are doing research in something you wouldn't mind your neighbors finding out about?

"My internet is so slow it's like a car without gas."

Did you post this, Lindsay S?  You did? Well, lady, a poet you are NOT.  You are aware, of course, that a car without gas isn't slow, it's stationary, right?  I mean, did you put any thought into your comment at all?

A few more honest visits like this, and these moron jackanapes will shut their whineholes and just accept the fact that not having Everything Right Now isn't the absolute worst thing in the world.  At least, we can hope.

Shopping for Daddy Dearest?

Seriously, the trepidation- no make that downright Fear- in this woman's voice is simply frightening.  And then add in the panicky, "oh god let's not have another Christmas with Cigarette Burns All Around like last year, Someday Mommy will take you kids someplace safe but for now, Daddy is Daddy and we just want peace, ok?" dialogue and we are left with absolutely nothing funny here.

"We only have four hours to find Daddy a present and he's gotta have the best..." Four hours?  In a mall which looks like it has about a hundred shops but only a few dozen people actually doing any shopping?  Why do I get the feeling that every other present this woman has bought her husband has been a Nice Try Honey But Not Quite Good Enough I Guess You Don't Love Me As Much As I Love You failure?

"I need you to be a rock..." this woman is quite literally freaking out- and is begging her six-year old daughter to be Strong For Mommy during this Terrifying Time.  Again- there's nothing funny here.  It's really just sad and I'm sure there's an abuse hotline this woman really needs to become acquainted with.  Nobody should live like this, Mommy- but just because you are willing to tolerate Life on the Razor's Edge, doesn't mean you get to project your terror on to those poor kids.

Mommy looks so relieved when she sees that she can buy Daddy a cell phone (he doesn't already have one? Hmmm....) So, she's done already and the next four hours can be spent doing something nice and relaxing with the kids?

No, I actually kind of doubt it.  More likely, the cell phone koisk is just the first stop in what will be a long, painful voyage which takes this family from one upscale shop to another, running up a big Visa bill purchasing gloves, a scarf, a leather jacket, a new electric razor, and don't forget what happened the last time you came home without Daddy's favorite Tequila, Mommy.  All purchased with the dim hope that maybe, just maybe, Daddy will like his gifts enough to respond with something other than cutting put-downs or angry rants which end with Mommy applying ice to her face as she explains to the kids that Daddy Just Doesn't Feel Very Well Today So We Should Be Extra Quiet and He Really Loves Us Very Much You Know That's Why We Have This Beautiful House We Should All Be Grateful For All He Does For Us.

I know you would never consider this, Mommy- but you can do a lot with a four-hour head start.  Again, there are 800-numbers out there, the moment you are ready to draw the line and take a step toward a sane, happy life for you and your children.  I don't know anything else about you, but I know you deserve better- because everyone does.  Good luck.

In the end, I guess I just hate everyone in this Kay Jewelers commercial. Nothing new about that.

I swear this commercial showed up no less than 1200 times during two NFL games last Sunday.  And it just got more cloying and banal and just plain dumb and pointless with each airing.  By halftime of the second game, I had it memorized, and had gone from wanting the Judgmental Seriously Who Asked Your Opinion Old Man to just waddle outside and die in a snowbank to actually being on his side and reminding The Boyfriend that he's a guest in someone's home and not on his own couch in his own apartment.

I mean, come on.  Come up for air, people  Lady? It's a freaking watch.  Get over it.

At the same time- Stupid Old Man?  Your ass isn't nailed to that chair, is it?  How about stretching your legs for a bit?  Better yet- instead of bitching about toys that need batteries (how old is this guy?  Most of the toys I got when I was a kid needed batteries, and I bet his did, too. Jesus is he going to start waving his cane around and shaking his fist at clouds next?) how about playing with your grandkids?  Trust me, the young couple that is just trying to share a moment won't miss you and your running commentary one damned bit.

Oh, and "looks like we got a man here?"  Um, why- because he didn't get your (daughter? Granddaughter?) a toy or cell phone or computer for Christmas? What exactly is superior about a piece of jewelry?  What the hell is the matter with you?

Oh wait, I forgot.  No more running commentary, please.  I believe there's still a snowbank out there with your name on it.

Ugh. This Again?

Dear Chevy,

This wasn't funny last year.  Why do you insist on acting like a six year old in possession of one joke that he insists on telling his parent's friends over and over again?

When I see a very fat guy with a white beard, I might think "hmm, he looks like Santa Claus."  I don't think he IS Santa Claus, and there's absolutely nothing he could do to convince me that he IS Santa Claus.  Because I'm an adult, and all that.

Actually, if I walked into a Chevy Dealership ( what are the odds? Not good) and saw this guy selling cars, the first thing I'd think would be "I can't believe that Chevy believes that if they hire guys who look like Santa Claus to push their crap, people will be more likely to buy.  Adults are NOT that stupid."

Then again, check out this woman, who for the sake of a really bad pun calls a salesman a "Saint" for....offering to help her pick out a car and earn him a commission.  They don't make Saints the way they used to, I guess- last time I checked, helping a customer pick out a car was kind of expected from car  salesmen and didn't require a huge heart (or stomach, or beard.)

Or just play the Quiet Game. That would work, too.

1.  Passengers can't tell if a car "handles nicely."  So shut up, stupid passenger with nothing intelligent to say.  Why are you even talking at all?  Shouldn't you be staring at your phone?  That's what I see every passenger on the road doing, all the time, anyway (and way too many drivers, too.)

2.  This guy put an entire pool together and had it filled with 17,000 gallons of water- but didn't use any nuts?  And it held water for any length of time?

3.  Wouldn't it be funny if the kid in the pool got seriously hurt because his dad is a moron?  No? Then why did you think it was at all funny when the pool collapsed?  Because in real life, that probably means the kid gets hurt, you hypocrite.

4.  Once again, how do the two people in the car manage to come up with exactly the same mental image?

5.  When the driver says "that would be like using nuts OR bolts" shouldn't the passenger reply "ok, forget it, I was just trying to make small talk.  Doesn't this thing have a fricking stereo system?"

We can all relate to this Audi ad, can't we?

One rich douchenozzle after another gets a glance at a new Audi, thinks about it for roughly three seconds, and then drops the keys to what we KNOW is a perfectly good (and almost certainly luxury) car into the Salvation Army donation bucket.

Look, I know this is just a commercial.  But is this disturbingly sick or what?  We are supposed to believe that not only are these jagoffs so rich that they can make a snap decision to buy an Audi, but that they don't even need the freaking trade-in value on their current car to get one.

Oh, and weird Elf Donation Girl?  You and me both.  I am seriously going to need a bigger bucket.

God, I hate this time of year.

If you thought "Chocolate Diamonds" were dumb, check THIS out!

What if you could take rare, expensive diamonds and make them look like the plastic costume jewelry you can get out of a gumball machine?

Personally?  If I were a guy willing to spend a thousand dollars or more on a rock for some girl, and that girl said she wanted that diamond to be bright pink or blue or green, I'd be more than a little irritated.  I'm pretty sure my first thought would be "um, if you are going to wear something that looks like Junk, then why don't I just BUY junk and save a lot of money?  Hey, I'm just asking, honey!"

What's next?  This is like putting Golden Arches on a high-scale restaurant- "sure, it LOOKS cheap, but wait 'till you see how much the entrees cost!"  Or maybe Lexus will offer a model with built-in dents and scratches, with no reduction in cost.  Hey, check out this $2 mil condo- it's in a great neighborhood and comes with real hardwood floors and a gorgeous spiral staircase-- the washing machines are in the basement, and take quarters.

Seriously, this is just nuts.  I can just see people wearing these cheap-looking things and spending all their time "casually" mentioning to passer-bys that "sure, they LOOK like something an eight-year old would find in a Cracker Jack Box,  but they are real and cost big bucks!  I swear!"