Karma's a ----well, you know.

I never met my maternal grandmother, who died the year before I was born.  My paternal grandmother died when I was 19 which was....well, more than a few years ago.  I remember her well enough to know that she was vastly more honest than the stupid cartoon grandma on this stupid cartoon commercial.

I really don't get how a fascination with credit scores can meld so perfectly to a total cluelessness concerning how to find them.  Ads like this made it sound like credit scores determine everything about your life, but are also very closely-kept secrets that are hidden in a vault somewhere and which can be accessed only by those who have the Magic Key.  The trick, apparently, is to find someone who both has a copy of the key and a willingness to check your score and pass it on to you for free.

Which makes Credit Karma, Checkyourcredit, Creditscore.com and all the rest prime examples of companies whose reason for being is to convince people to pay them for a product they can access for free if they just do a little freaking homework and ask a few freaking questions.  Other examples include all the Save Yourself From the Evil IRS tax "services" and Get Out of Debt schemes.  Their bottom line is- "you can't understand this (or you are too busy to understand this.)  We Understand It.  Let Us Handle It For You..." For a price.

Yes, for a price.  I don't care how many times Cartoon Granny tells me that CreditKarma.com paid good money to run an advertisement 400 times during an Ancient Aliens marathon out of the goodness of it's heart- at some point in the process of obtaining your "free" credit report, you are going to be asked to pay.
If CreditKarma.com actually provides a free credit report, you can bet it's part of a package in which you pay for one later- or, more likely, six later.   Because before you get off the phone with that operator, anyone convinced to call based on the assurances of a cartoon grandma will be convinced that if they don't check their credit report at least once every two months or so, it's going to explode and leave you living in a dumpster picking cheese out of discarded pizza boxes.

Here's another idea- want a free credit report?  Go to your freaking lending institution and ask for one.  If they won't give you a free report on a regular basis, pull your money and find one that will.  (I belong to a credit union which never charges for a credit report check- I've never asked for one, but my score was actually volunteered to me during a routine visit last year by a loan officer who practically begged me to buy a house.)  This isn't rocket science, people.

While we're at it- if you are deep in credit card debt, call your credit card company, explain the situation, and either work out a payment plan or offer a flat amount of money to wipe your balance clean.  I understand that most banks are generally willing to work with people the first time they get in over their heads.  Tax problems?  Call the IRS- they aren't hiding in your bushes (ask yourself why those companies on the radio don't want you to contact the IRS) and have counselors ready to work out a deal with you.   Oh, and don't know how to plan for retirement?  There are actual, licensed brokers who know how to maneuver money to your advantage.  You don't need a stranger on the phone from RetirementIncomeThroughGoldNow.com giving you exactly one option that will determine whether you have some level of comfort when society can't squeeze any more labor out of you, or you are in that previously mentioned dumpster.  Don't know how to start saving for college for your child?  Again- there are people at the bank who are experts at stuff like that.  You don't need to ask a baby food company for help.

Oh, and ID Theft?  It's the Shark Attack Scare of 2014.  The chances of your identity actually being stolen is almost zero, and drops even more if you just shred your freaking credit card bills and stop accessing your bank accounts while sharing the public WiFi at Starbucks or the airport, moron .

Ok, enough free advice.  You want any more, it's going to cost you.

And the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse shall arrive riding a Perfect Bacon Bowl

This is the End.  It has to be.  Because seriously, unless the next quickie-cheap TV commercial I see is for Cheese-Coated Lard on a Stick, there is just no WAY it gets worse than this.

What's the matter, America?  Not dying of heart disease fast enough?  We don't have enough problems in this country that desperately need solving that a group of soulless money-grubbers came up with a whole new way to make eating four servings of bacon at once even MORE fun?

Remember when you thought the KFC Double Down "sandwich" was a crime against humanity (as a refresher for those of you who have-like me- managed to avoid it, it consists of bacon and cheese held together by two pieces of boneless fried chicken?)  Well, what are we going to call THIS monstrosity?

Thinking of having the gang together to eat four cheeseburgers each?  Well, forget the buns- just stick them into these crunchy "bacon bowls."  Not only are they fun, but they're also a time saver-you get three meals worth of calories in one sitting!  Thought that Mac'n Cheese couldn't possibly be more poisonous?  Well, that's because you never imagined that anyone would think to invent a Mac n' Cheese Delivery System made of pig fat!

(And you thought you'd never get your kids to eat Mac n' Cheese!  Now it's all they want!  Look, they are about to suck down four "bowls" each!  What's that, a pound of bacon and a week's worth of salt in one meal?  Mission Accomplished!)

And I thought the Perfect Potato looked dumb.  Jeesh, at least potatoes have some nutritional value and won't kill you (unless you drown them in bacon bits, sour cream and cheese, like the commercial tells you to.)  This thing has probably already been banned in New York City, and the rest of the country should follow suit before it's too late.

I mean, look at that guy about to break his couch- yeah, he needs bacon-bowl cheeseburgers.

(Bacon Bowl Ice Cream Sundaes....Ummm...hey, remember those microwavable milkshakes?  I never got to try one of those.  Why didn't they catch on?  Ahead of their time?)

Not exactly sure, but I know what it will include, iPad Air

Whatever my verse is, it will not be complete until I get to the part where I hunt down the pretentious, twee fraud who bored me to despair with this minute-plus of treacle and beat him to death with his own overbearing, unjustified sense of importance.

Oh, and I think the final words will include something about drooling losers who have managed to convince themselves that gluing their eyes to a glowing screen is somehow enriching their lives, and how when they are in their final moments, all the time they spent ignoring the world so that they could fixate on pixels will come back and bite them in the....err, haunt them with memories of lost opportunities.

Eh, who am I kidding?  When these stupid social misfits die, their final thoughts will be of the Games Not Played, Bullshit Art Not "drawn," and Tweets not Tweeted.   And who will alert the world that it has one less Facebook Friend.

Another Perfect Day in the non-lives of the Techno-Addled

I've used this line in a blog post for a similar commercial, but it's worth repeating- they sure don't make Greatness like they used to, do they?

I mean, here are grown men celebrating their ability to idle away the very short time they have on Earth living one childish fantasy after another (all of which involve killing people in "fun" ways or smashing cars- are these all Rated M For Mature?)  Naturally at least one scene must include the Gamer and Pathetically Proud Of It Moron delightedly firing some infinite-ammunition supercannon at an army of equally vapid, drooling couch potatoes.

But heck, why am I complaining?  Every hour these losers spend playing Big Sword or Gun Wielding Hero in Mommy's basement is an hour they aren't swerving from lane to lane on the highway scrolling through sports scores instead of paying attention to the other cars on the non-virtual reality road.  It's an hour they aren't blocking my favorite hiking path because they are checking Facebook on their iPhones when I just want to get past and keep my heart rate up.  In other words, in the long run, it's all good.

So keep swinging those big axes and driving those fast cars and shooting those awesome weapons at your friends, SuperLosers!  Your absence from the real world is more appreciated than you think!

What's the matter, the TV Tropes site is down?

Why do I suspect that the people who are checking out Openthebriefcase.com are just taking a break from "tracking their beer" on Budweiser.com and would spend hours staring at SoapBubbleWhenWillItPop?.com if a stupid commercial asked them to?

Hey, losers?  You've got one life.  The time you spend rushing from site to site because the flashy visuals and/or calm voice on tv suggested you should?  You aren't getting it back.  Is this really what you want to be doing with it?

Is "being a stupid fat doofus" one of the side effects?

Besides the fact that this guy acts as if Crestor is his favorite hockey team and not the drug that is keeping his lard-infused heart pumping, it's apparent that he didn't get the whole "along with diet and exercise" part of his prescription.

Meanwhile, this guy looks just way too happy to be on Crestor.  Does it do more than lower cholesterol and "slow plaque buildup in arteries" with results that "may vary?"  Or is he just really, really excited at the opportunity to experience all or some of those awesome side effects?

Or maybe he just really loves taking direction from authoritative characters on huge flat screens.  Hey, whatever bursts your buttons, buddy.  Can't help but notice that your kid looks irritated that you are still alive, though....

PayAnywhere- the ridiculously high price of convenience

This is just brilliant.

You know how it's such a hassle to write checks, or get cash out of the bank?  Well, here's the answer to that awful, life-ruining headache:  Get this PayAnywhere device, and suddenly your phone is a credit card scanner you can use to pay all debts public and private.

And it's so gosh-darned convenient- just swipe, and your bill has been paid!  Finally, no more fumbling for a pen or opening your wallet for those green papery things!  Our Long National Nightmare is over!

And there's no monthly fee- wow, that's awesome!  Not only does it make it even more convenient, but now I don't have to wonder if it's possible to pay for this "service" with the service itself!

Nope, no monthly fee at all- just a tiny, so-small-you-won't-even-miss-it-really 2.69% charge conveniently added to every use.  Two-point six-nine percent- wow, you couldn't even see that amount of apple pie if you could cut it, could you?  It's so very little, how could you notice it-- right?

Well, hmm, wait a minute here.  If I use this to pay off a $20 personal debt (SO much easier than writing a check, did I point that out?) I'm going to see a bill of 20.54 for this transaction?  And if I use it to "pay the lawn guy" (because like the people in this commercial, I for sure have a "lawn guy"- I mean, who doesn't?) I'm giving the providers of PayEverywhere 2.69 percent of- well, whatever a lawn guy gets, which I bet is a lot more than $20?  Maybe I need to rethink this a bit....

Sure, I can see this being really helpful if you are one of those people who really, really hate to handle that green paper stuff and gosh darn it it sure is a hassle to write out a check, I mean it can take upwards of 20 seconds sometimes (or five minutes, if you are the doddering moron in front of me in the checkout line) and it would be so much easier if I could just tap a few buttons on my phone...but geesh....do I really want to give this company 2.69 percent of my transaction every time I need to exchange money for services....am I missing something here, or does this sound like a really stupid plan for me and a massive cash cow for the owners of PayEverywhere?

I'm starting to understand why it's "free" and there's no monthly payment- why would this company put any obstacles at all in the way of getting these things into the hands of every single person on the planet as soon as possible?  Now this looks more like the coke dealer who hands out samples- money?  That comes later.  And in great, big, unearned buckets in the form of more than a quarter for every $10 moved.

Just imagine being the company that produces and markets this little device- and then sits back and takes a cut of every. Single. Transaction. stupidly conducted using it.   And all because Convenience trumps the sense that we really ought to have even if we never took Economics 101.

PT Barnum isn't spinning in his grave.  He's clawing his way out, because he's sick of being deprived his share of the fortune being eagerly tossed away by the Dumbest Generation.