This is how it starts, thanks to companies like Tide

One minute, this kid is "adventurous" (which to treacly grandma means "does what every other kid on the planet does, like ride big wheels) and the next we are told he has skin so delicate that it might hurt the little shmuggums if just the right detergent isn't used to clean his precious blankey.

One minute, this kid is big enough to be plowing down the road apparently unsupervised (unless that dog is his babysitter,) and the next he's so small he can't be trusted not to tip a hot fudge sundae all over his blankey and play with it.  Seriously, he's four years old when he's on his bike and maybe 18 months when he's in a restaurant?  I smell Spoiled Brat Syndrome written all over this kid, because....

When Grandma is "in charge," this kid basically does whatever the hell he wants and is greeted by a loving smile.  Jeesh, come on, Tide.  This isn't endearing, it's just stupid and gross and should be shown to Mom as a warning of how much damage is being done when she tries to save a few bucks and lets grandma play babysitter.  Make a note, Mom- your child drops two years when he's with her, and isn't learning ANYTHING about table manners.

Meanwhile, let's decide whether this kid is allowed to cruise around outside on his big wheel or needs to be in a freaking plastic bubble because his skin is so sensitive.

Every new Volkswagen ad makes the Baby Jesus Cry

This is a commercial for the 2014 Volkswagen.  In it, we see one reach 100,000 miles.  Even if this guy works for Volkswagen and was allowed to purchase the very first car off the line months before it was put on the market on the very first day of 2013, he would have had to average almost 275 miles per day to reach 100,000 in one year.  Does the guy in this ad EVER stop driving?

Not to mention that this car is showroom-gleaming -- if it has 100,000 miles on it, 99,999 were accumulated with the wheels spinning with the car mounted on struts.  Yeah, this car has seen actual seasons and weather and parking lots and potholes. Sure it has.

Hard to believe, but this is the part of the commercial that makes the MOST sense.  It gets much worse, because Stupid Dad makes another lame attempt to form a connection with Rude But Oddly Not Texting Daughter*  by spinning some weird-ass story about German engineers getting their wings whenever one of these cars goes over 100,000.  I can almost excuse her sneering "shut up moron" response (which would have gotten me a cuff across the mouth if I had tried it when I was her age) because this really is dad just needing to turn on the radio and STFU.  In other words, just admitting he has Nothing To Say To His Spawn.

We get about a minute of "German engineers" sprouting "wings."  It's not at all funny or entertaining and like a lot of these ads,  it goes on waaaayyyyyy too long.  Anyone not "get it" after the first five engineers "get their wings?"  No problem- here's a dozen more.

But even this isn't as offensive as daughter's response- which means that this commercial actual manages to start mildly dumb and get more insulting and unwatchable as it progresses.  I guess that's something.  Congratulations, Volkswagen- you've made yet another stupid commercial which makes me hate your product.  Did an ad exec get his wings?

(Oh and BTW, if you are one of those people who "only watch the Superbowl for the commercials,"  you are so pathetic and sad I can't even muster up any pity for you.  Seriously, though, what the hell is the matter with you losers?)

*When we are done with all the wings-sprouting BS and get back to the daughter- well, what do you know, she's texting.  She probably was earlier in the commercial too, we just couldn't see her hands.  What was I thinking?

Too late to ask the Newseum to stay classy

Full disclosure: I have never been a Will Farrell fan.  I think he's just brilliant as ego-drunk producer/director/backer Eric Jonrosh in The Spoils of Babylon, but that's about it.  Never thought he was very good on Saturday Night Live (when he wasn't playing Bush.)  Don't recall him making a particular impression on me in the few movies I happened to see him in.  Maybe the films just sucked, but that's the way it is.

Another Full Disclosure:  Before the Newseum decided to sell out (again) to the latest flavor of the month, I had already become more than sick of the constant Go See Anchorman messages from MLB, ESPN, my local news, car commercials etc. etc. etc.  So when I saw Ron Burgundy moving in to a museum which once upon a time was supposed to be about the news, my first thought was "just another commercial."

Another Full Disclosure:  I was very excited when the Newseum opened in downtown DC some years back, especially since the Washington Post has provided free tickets for High School students on field trips.  I have taken several classes to the Newseum over the years.  Most of the kids have really enjoyed the experience (we even did a class on creating a front page there once.)  But I've been steadily souring on the place for quite some time now.  There are the unfunny SNL skits blaring from television sets which can be heard a good distance from the exhibit.  There's the disgusting, preposterous shrine to Tim Russert (seriously.  Tim Russert has a shrine at the Newseum. Tim Russert.  No kidding.)  There's the fawning attitude toward FOX and CNN (I think Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and Wolf Blitzer each get more face time at the Newseum than Edward R Murrow.)

So while I can say I'm disgusted at this most recent display of rank commercialism from the Newseum, I can't say I'm surprised; nor can I say that it's a "last straw," because I crossed off the Newseum as a Must See in DC quite some time ago, but I'll still take kids there because hey, it's still free, there's still good stuff to see there, and they still like it.

But I'm pretty sure I won't be dropping in on the Anchorman exhibit.  I'll stick to the ancient newspapers on the top floor (polluted by SNL and Laugh-In clips on hanging tvs) and the Berlin Wall exhibit on the bottom floor.  That way I can at least pretend- a little- that the directors of the Newseum didn't sell out to pop culture years ago.  Still, it really is kind of a shame.

A shrine to Tim Russert.  I still can't believe it.  What the HELL were you thinking, Newseum?

Come on, admit it. This is just Tool Porn.

I don't know what I like most about this commercial- the dramatic music, the dramatic voice, or the timer that appears in the right-hand corner of the screen which I guess is supposed to make me think that this offer (and not just this ad) is going to vanish in 3....2.....1.....

Or maybe it's the intense sexual imagery flowing through the whole thing.  You can even pull four-inch screws out of soft, yielding redwood....no more frustration!  Wow, I'm so hot right now.

Or maybe it's the mocking assumption- "if you can use a drill, you can use this..." If you can't use a drill (or don't own one?)  Well, what the hell is the matter with you?  At least tell me you are a woman or a small child, right?

Naw, I think it's that intense music.  I feel like I'm watching a movie trailer here, and there's a lot more at stake than extracting a steel shaft from a smooth piece of lumber....

And now I'm getting hot again.  I give up.

Thanks to Geico, these people just don't get it

This guy is the most pathetic human being in history.  How pathetic is he?  Well, let us count the ways:

1.  He is so devoid of personality, so lacking in something, ANYTHING to say to this woman in the elevator, that he goes with bleating the slogan of a 20-year old ad campaign.   Yeah, she's going to be interested in you for sure now, buddy.

2.  When he's rebuffed with a "everyone knows that, Parker" which to anyone with an IQ over 40 would interpret as "shut up, I am not interested in having a conversation with you" but Parker takes as "I know that already, do you have anything original to say?" he proceeds to pull some weird non-fact out of his ass.  Wow, if the ad quote didn't get her, that sure will.  You've got it made, buddy.

What am I missing here?  If I was ever in a situation where I did not know what to say to a girl (this has never happened) I know I could do better than this.  And if I ever got the vibe that the girl I was with just wanted me to shut up (ok, this has happened) I would just shut up.

Once again, I'm left feeling sorry for guys who are not me.  Poor them.

Oh, and if you think about it, please try to avoid running me over, dickwad

Remember when car commercials used to focus on things like gas mileage, warranties, leg room, and safety?  You know, things that actually had something to do with driving a freaking car?

Nowadays it seems like more and more car ads concentrate on letting you know that you can continue to blather away to family, friends, coworkers and the boss who never ever stops cracking the whip even after you are allegedly off hours while in your tripped-out techmobile.  Why hold off being distracted by phone conversations while cruising around?  Look how easy it is to pretend to pay attention to traffic and pedestrians while you babble aimlessly and scroll your fingers along a screen.

Now hold on a second, John!  I'm quite certain that these cars come with disclaimers to keep your eyes on the road while the car is in motion!  Uh huh, yeah, I'm sure, too.  And I'm also sure that every single person who buys one of these cars is going to be spending more time staring at that screen (it IS a screen, isn't it?  Well, you have a screen but you aren't supposed to actually look at it?  How are you going to touch the right icon on that screen if you don't look at it- and if you don't have 20/20 eyesight, how much time is it going to take you to find the right one?) than making sure they aren't sideswiping someone who is just trying to get home (while yakking away on their phones, no doubt.)

I've seen ads like this which show people scrolling down to Facebook.  No fucking kidding- Facebook.  Because it's super-important that you update your status while cruising around in your LookAtMeMobile- far more important than checking your blind spot (hell, there's special alarm for that, right?) or to see if someone with a blaze orange backpack is trying to cross the street in front of you.  Jerkwad.

It's almost impossible for me to believe that a few short years ago, people used to actually get into their cars and have absolutely no contact with the outside world beyond the radio for the entire time they were traveling.  Now I rarely see people operating motor vehicles who AREN'T chatting away on their phones (at best) or staring (not glancing) at a screen propped up against the steering wheel (at worst.)

Is this any better?  Several scrollable screens, a dozen different media offerings, and basically a plethora of  gadgets offering distractions all at the same time?  Here, listen to music.  Here, call your mom.  Here, check Facebook.  We strongly suggest that every few seconds, you glance up and notice that your car has moved three hundred yards while you were flipping through your options for the 86th time since you left your house nine minutes ago.  Just because you could.

Here's a better idea- keep your mind and eyes on the fucking road and stop pretending that you are so damned important that you can't possibly be out of touch for even a moment while you are in your car, Mr. Essential Person.   This pedestrian will thank you for it, and it might even be good for your soul to just say "no" to these stupid, dangerous bells and whistles for once.

Show me a skeleton in the driver's seat holding a glowing cell phone, and you'll make me happier than I've been in a long, long time

So.....

Maybe you picked up the wrong hitch hiker while cruising home from the classic car show, and he forced you to pull over into a swamp before slicing off your ears, gouging out your eyes, and leaving you to be leech food to the creatures lurking in the most putrid festering swamp this side of the Degoba system, but at least your radio entertained the toothless trolls as they waited to be discovered and offered their own show by the History Channel?

Thanks for the uber-creepy message, Interstate.  Nice to see that you are no better at finding good ad agencies than anyone else.  And at least you spared us a good view of that rotting corpse.