What part of "One A Day" do you not understand?

One A Day Gummies are marketed, near as I can tell, toward men who simply will not take their multivitamins like a big boy.  These men probably grew up chewing little orangy pills shaped like Flintstones characters and have no interest in making the transition to huge tasteless white things which must be consumed with water (and, for those who are like me, in the evening to avoid massive stomach upset.)

So now we have One A Day VitaCraves, which I imagine are just as nasty as gummy bears which don't have 417% of my daily recommended allowance of folic acid.  Ok, fine, whatever.  Some people don't like pills.  I sure don't.  My problem is, I don't like edible plastic, either.

Here's my trick question:  What's the recommended daily dose of the One A Day VitaCraves?  Why Two, of course.

And here's my not-so-trick question-- why can't One A Day make an adult version of Flintstones chewables?  I'd definitely go for that.  Gummies? Yuck.

We just love grandma's internet--err, grandma!

Wow, the warmth just oozes, doesn't it/

Kids don't really want to visit grandma.  Dad sure doesn't help, basically admitting that Mom is kind of a stick in the mud and yeah she's not very exciting but hey she'll be dead soon and Mommy and I really want to go to Vegas so just put up with her maybe she'll leave you a little something in her will ok kids?

But hey, check this out!  Grandma has got herself hooked up with Verizon Fios, so now the kids can saturate themselves with video games and television.  Suddenly, Grandma's house is awesome!  Grandma? Well....we played a game with her, and she didn't interrupt us too much when we were rocking her awesome connectivity, so she's ok too, I guess.  I think she baked us cookies- I remember putting something warm and chocolaty in my mouth between levels.....

"Can we stay over?"  Because grandma passes out around 6 PM and then we can really go to town with her cable system.  Yay Grandma!

Eight people killed by lightning on golf courses last year. Just sayin'.

While LeBron James plays nine holes of golf, his investments make more money than most of us will see over the course of ten years of hard work.

Just thought I'd share this little nugget of information, so you have something to think about the next time you are told that you are supposed to enjoy watching LeBron James pretend to play golf for a Samsung Galaxy Commercial.

Oh, and BTW- James got more money for being in this commercial than you will make this year.  Glad I could help.

This is how it starts, thanks to companies like Tide

One minute, this kid is "adventurous" (which to treacly grandma means "does what every other kid on the planet does, like ride big wheels) and the next we are told he has skin so delicate that it might hurt the little shmuggums if just the right detergent isn't used to clean his precious blankey.

One minute, this kid is big enough to be plowing down the road apparently unsupervised (unless that dog is his babysitter,) and the next he's so small he can't be trusted not to tip a hot fudge sundae all over his blankey and play with it.  Seriously, he's four years old when he's on his bike and maybe 18 months when he's in a restaurant?  I smell Spoiled Brat Syndrome written all over this kid, because....

When Grandma is "in charge," this kid basically does whatever the hell he wants and is greeted by a loving smile.  Jeesh, come on, Tide.  This isn't endearing, it's just stupid and gross and should be shown to Mom as a warning of how much damage is being done when she tries to save a few bucks and lets grandma play babysitter.  Make a note, Mom- your child drops two years when he's with her, and isn't learning ANYTHING about table manners.

Meanwhile, let's decide whether this kid is allowed to cruise around outside on his big wheel or needs to be in a freaking plastic bubble because his skin is so sensitive.

Every new Volkswagen ad makes the Baby Jesus Cry

This is a commercial for the 2014 Volkswagen.  In it, we see one reach 100,000 miles.  Even if this guy works for Volkswagen and was allowed to purchase the very first car off the line months before it was put on the market on the very first day of 2013, he would have had to average almost 275 miles per day to reach 100,000 in one year.  Does the guy in this ad EVER stop driving?

Not to mention that this car is showroom-gleaming -- if it has 100,000 miles on it, 99,999 were accumulated with the wheels spinning with the car mounted on struts.  Yeah, this car has seen actual seasons and weather and parking lots and potholes. Sure it has.

Hard to believe, but this is the part of the commercial that makes the MOST sense.  It gets much worse, because Stupid Dad makes another lame attempt to form a connection with Rude But Oddly Not Texting Daughter*  by spinning some weird-ass story about German engineers getting their wings whenever one of these cars goes over 100,000.  I can almost excuse her sneering "shut up moron" response (which would have gotten me a cuff across the mouth if I had tried it when I was her age) because this really is dad just needing to turn on the radio and STFU.  In other words, just admitting he has Nothing To Say To His Spawn.

We get about a minute of "German engineers" sprouting "wings."  It's not at all funny or entertaining and like a lot of these ads,  it goes on waaaayyyyyy too long.  Anyone not "get it" after the first five engineers "get their wings?"  No problem- here's a dozen more.

But even this isn't as offensive as daughter's response- which means that this commercial actual manages to start mildly dumb and get more insulting and unwatchable as it progresses.  I guess that's something.  Congratulations, Volkswagen- you've made yet another stupid commercial which makes me hate your product.  Did an ad exec get his wings?

(Oh and BTW, if you are one of those people who "only watch the Superbowl for the commercials,"  you are so pathetic and sad I can't even muster up any pity for you.  Seriously, though, what the hell is the matter with you losers?)

*When we are done with all the wings-sprouting BS and get back to the daughter- well, what do you know, she's texting.  She probably was earlier in the commercial too, we just couldn't see her hands.  What was I thinking?

Too late to ask the Newseum to stay classy

Full disclosure: I have never been a Will Farrell fan.  I think he's just brilliant as ego-drunk producer/director/backer Eric Jonrosh in The Spoils of Babylon, but that's about it.  Never thought he was very good on Saturday Night Live (when he wasn't playing Bush.)  Don't recall him making a particular impression on me in the few movies I happened to see him in.  Maybe the films just sucked, but that's the way it is.

Another Full Disclosure:  Before the Newseum decided to sell out (again) to the latest flavor of the month, I had already become more than sick of the constant Go See Anchorman messages from MLB, ESPN, my local news, car commercials etc. etc. etc.  So when I saw Ron Burgundy moving in to a museum which once upon a time was supposed to be about the news, my first thought was "just another commercial."

Another Full Disclosure:  I was very excited when the Newseum opened in downtown DC some years back, especially since the Washington Post has provided free tickets for High School students on field trips.  I have taken several classes to the Newseum over the years.  Most of the kids have really enjoyed the experience (we even did a class on creating a front page there once.)  But I've been steadily souring on the place for quite some time now.  There are the unfunny SNL skits blaring from television sets which can be heard a good distance from the exhibit.  There's the disgusting, preposterous shrine to Tim Russert (seriously.  Tim Russert has a shrine at the Newseum. Tim Russert.  No kidding.)  There's the fawning attitude toward FOX and CNN (I think Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and Wolf Blitzer each get more face time at the Newseum than Edward R Murrow.)

So while I can say I'm disgusted at this most recent display of rank commercialism from the Newseum, I can't say I'm surprised; nor can I say that it's a "last straw," because I crossed off the Newseum as a Must See in DC quite some time ago, but I'll still take kids there because hey, it's still free, there's still good stuff to see there, and they still like it.

But I'm pretty sure I won't be dropping in on the Anchorman exhibit.  I'll stick to the ancient newspapers on the top floor (polluted by SNL and Laugh-In clips on hanging tvs) and the Berlin Wall exhibit on the bottom floor.  That way I can at least pretend- a little- that the directors of the Newseum didn't sell out to pop culture years ago.  Still, it really is kind of a shame.

A shrine to Tim Russert.  I still can't believe it.  What the HELL were you thinking, Newseum?

Come on, admit it. This is just Tool Porn.

I don't know what I like most about this commercial- the dramatic music, the dramatic voice, or the timer that appears in the right-hand corner of the screen which I guess is supposed to make me think that this offer (and not just this ad) is going to vanish in 3....2.....1.....

Or maybe it's the intense sexual imagery flowing through the whole thing.  You can even pull four-inch screws out of soft, yielding redwood....no more frustration!  Wow, I'm so hot right now.

Or maybe it's the mocking assumption- "if you can use a drill, you can use this..." If you can't use a drill (or don't own one?)  Well, what the hell is the matter with you?  At least tell me you are a woman or a small child, right?

Naw, I think it's that intense music.  I feel like I'm watching a movie trailer here, and there's a lot more at stake than extracting a steel shaft from a smooth piece of lumber....

And now I'm getting hot again.  I give up.