The most awful 11 second commercial ever, courtesy of Hulu

Once again, I'm so grateful I got married before the age of cell phones.  I'm pretty sure I would have killed someone at some point during the ceremony.

Earth to anyone who would do something like this:  If you absolutely, positively cannot stop fucking around with your phone for a 30-minute stretch while two people pledge to live together and have sex for an indeterminate period of time, please just stay away.  Your presence is not so important that the Temporarily Happy Couple is willing to let you behave like an obtuse, self-centered jackass during what might very well be the only wedding they are ever the stars of.   Just stay home with your phone.

Or, if I ever get married again, please come and try to pull this during the ceremony.   Just carry a spare phone with a really good proctologist on speed dial.  Don't put it on the phone you normally use.  It won't be readily available.

Next week, we'll see Bronson Pinchot checking out the latest Nissans.

Someone got paid to write this.

Ever think you'd be sorry when Jan or a big fat guy with a white beard didn't make an appearance in a Toyota Commercial?

Ever wish you had followed your first impulse, turned off the tv, and devoted an hour or so watching paint dry instead?

Ever wish you could just punch someone in the face, really hard, for insulting you with a totally half-assed effort like this?  I mean, the commercial feels compelled to tell us exactly who Craig T Nelson is in the clunkiest manner possible (quick tip: if you have to introduce the guest star and remind us why we should know him, he isn't a guest star.)  Coach was cancelled in 1997.  If you are under 30, chances are you don't remember it.  Doesn't say much for Craig Teabagger Nelson that we are supposed to recognize him from a bad sitcom he starred in 17 years ago (and not the bad sitcom he's been starring in for the past three years.)

Depressed yet?

Another post of personal privilege dedicated to UPS

In Transit : On Schedule

Expected delivery: Tuesday, March 4, 2014, by 8:00pm 

Holy crap, seriously?  This item (a DVD) has been shipped from Ohio--- and I can expect to receive it here in Maryland by Tuesday, March 4 (by 8 PM- well, that's something, anyway???)  Is it being walked to my door?  The snail mail carrier in Frog and Toad are Friends delivered items faster than this. 

Note that I said this has ALREADY been shipped- from OHIO- not Saturn, for chrissakes.  

Here's the silver lining, which still makes it funny- from past experience, I know that the "Expected Delivery" date is 100 percent fictitious.  I'll have this DVD inside of a week.  So where did Amazon come up with "Tuesday, March 4, 2014?"  Does it have something to do with it being Town Hall Meeting Day in Vermont?  Did some poor slob who found himself pulling a Sunday shift just figure it sounded reasonable, so what the hell?

"By 8 PM."  Well, thank goodness for that.  Because I really was planning to watch this DVD at 8 PM on March 4.  

McDonald's and the Olympics: Bite This.

         
         
The funniest moment of this 30 seconds of dumb is where we see a family gathered around the television set cheering something that just happened in the Olympic Games, this year being staged in a prison camp just a few thousand miles west of Siberia.

Yes, NBC and McDonald's, this is for sure happening all over the country.  People are glued to their couches because the Winter Olympics is on and everyone knows how much Americans love the Winter Olympics.  The ratings suck?  Well, that's because Americans are so obese from consuming non-food like Chicken McNuggets they can't get off those couches to turn their tvs on.

I won't bother to ask when McDonald's is going to actually spend some real money to produce commercials which actually make sense and sell their product, because I'm pretty sure that's never going to happen.  Instead, I'll save my question for NBC- when the hell are you and the other networks going to figure out that in a nation where the average person has access to dozens if not hundreds of television channels, not to mention the internet, nobody gives a flying damn about the Olympic Games anymore?  How many more billions of dollars are you going to invest in securing the coveted rights to broadcast a moss-covered relic whose popularity peaked in the 80s and hasn't been at all relevant since the Cold War ended?

It's not that Jingoism is out of style.  Jingoism will never go out of style.  It's that there aren't any real rivalries anymore.  You think anyone gives a damn how many medals the US accumulates compares to the Russians?  You think anyone is setting their DVRs to make sure they don't miss a moment of US-USSR hockey?  Earth to the networks: It's over.  Nobody cares.  We aren't watching- and no, it's not because we want the terrorists to win.  It's because we recognize that we are living in the freaking 21st century.  When are you going to join us here?

I just don't get zombies, I guess....

I always thought vampires were pretty cool- not the pained, angst-ridden, pathetic vampires of the Twilight series, but the old-fashioned movie vampires who were more interested in ripping out throats than who they were going to take to the freaking prom.

I've never understood why Werewolves can't catch on in Hollywood.  They are so interesting.  Last summer I read a 19th century novel in which the main character was a Werewolf.  The book sucked, mainly because the guy was a werewolf for maybe 1 percent of the time.  But that one percent was really cool.  Anyway, Werewolves have never successfully made the transition to the silver screen- in fact, "Werewolf" is pretty much synonymous with "box office failure."  Seems odd to me.

But I will NEVER understand the current fascination with zombies.  I'll admit, I've never seen a single episode of The Walking Dead.  Not even one.  But I've seen dozens of commercials on AMC (this ad is from Great Britain- I guess it's shown on Fox there, I don't know.  I was just looking for a short commercial to embed) and never once got the impression that it would be at all fun to watch a show about them.

First of all, they really aren't scary-looking.  Once you've gotten used to the rotting flesh and blood effects, they strike me as being rather boring.  And seriously, if you are a fan of this show, hasn't the shock value of seeing an eyeball hanging out or ears torn off worn thin by the second or third episode?  So you are psyched for SEASON FOUR? Why?

Second, I don't see how they are threatening.  They lurch around awkwardly in slow motion, as if they are crawling through molasses.  If I saw one approaching my house, I think I'd be more likely to be respond by laughing than screaming.  Then I'd take a shower, get changed, pack a few things, make a few phone calls, pay a few bills, and calmly step outside and walk away, confident that the "scary" zombie is still lurching awkwardly toward my house.

And if I timed it badly and the zombie actually managed to arrive before I could make my exit? I think I'd just tip it over and go about my merry way.  They look about as sturdy and dangerous as marshmallow scarecrows.  Fear?  I think "pity" would be a more appropriate reaction to seeing a zombie.

Third, I don't get their motivation.  These are just dead people, right?  So you live a fairly decent life- ups and downs, just like everyone else- and then you die, and....you rise from the grave to lurch about like a fly in a bowl of Jell-O, forever stumbling toward people who- being alive- are much more agile and fast than you and have no problem keeping their distance? And if you, as a member of the Walking Dead Set, do manage to actually catch a living human being (maybe asleep on a beach towel or something,) well, then what? I seem to remember reading something about zombies eating brains.  What for?  Does this bring you back to life? Seems kind of pointless, if you are just going to die later and go through this crap over and over again for all eternity.

But anyway, back to this actual ad for this actual show which is actually going into its- Fourth Season?  Really? Four seasons of this?  Jeesh, four minutes of an ad were enough to convince me that this was a pointless snoozefest which must feature episodes about as fresh and innovative as We are Men, Welcome to the Family or Dads, all of which I believe are advertised as shows for people who prefer their zombies to be of the speaking variety.

Remember when Superheros used to fight Nazis and Aliens?

Well, I guess the 21st century's version of the Justice League isn't all that interested in diverting extinction-level meteors or planet-swallowing galaxy-roaming doomsday machines.  Heck, they probably wouldn't return our calls if we tried to tell them that Lex Luthor was back on the prowl.  Today's superheroes are savvy to the real enemy of mankind's happiness and peace of mind- the Evil IRS.

Because if you've been sloppy in your bookkeeping, casual in your filing habits, or are just a freeloading crook who doesn't want to pay his fair share because after all Ron Paul Told Me On The Teevee that the 16th Amendment was Unconstitutional, you'll need the help of the Tax Resolvers.  So confident in your intense gullibility and fear of the consequences of your own actions that you'll put your financial future in the hands of people who wear masks and spandex, Tax Resolvers does little more than give the 800 number where you can call and do the only thing more stupid than not paying your tax bill when it's due.

Yes, Tax Resolvers will use it's Superpowers on the Internal Revenue Service (previously known as the Legion of Doom) to "rescue" you from having to share any of your ill-gotten wealth with the society that builds the roads and finances the police and military that protects it and makes it possible.  Paying taxes?  That's for people who DON'T have--um--"heroes" on their side.  So call today, and within thirty minutes of becoming a client, Tax Resolvers promises to reduce the IRS building to a pile of smoking, radioactive ash with it's Kryptonite-infused Death Laser of Freedom.*

*Offer void in Utah, Puerto Rico, and Reality.

More Manipulative, Olympics-inspired tripe

First, the good news: If you didn't already know this story from the newspapers and the television and the internet, you get the whole thing boiled down in a 90-second trailer.  At the end of which I imagine that most of you will be thinking what I was thinking:  Why the hell would I want to watch the two-hour version of this?

Hell, the 90 second version was plenty painful.

Second, I'm pretty sure that this bowl of lukewarm porridge left absolutely no cliche unspoken.  Little black girl has a dream.  Mom has more bills than money.  Family and community pulls together to help little black girl fulfill her dream.  No, her dream isn't to get that heart transplant.  It's to go to the Olympics and have roughly two and a half minutes of --ahem---"fame" by contorting her body on a balance beam.

Hey, it's still a dream!  Shut up!

Oh, and "we can't afford to send her to the Olympics" followed by "you can't afford not too."  Wow, didn't see THAT line coming!

"You can be the best in the world" says the black coach/mentor/inspiration provider.  Uh huh.  Because being the best at throwing one's prepubescent body about for a few moments for the cameras- well, what more could a black girl aspire to?  Except- doesn't "best in the world" in this context mean "better than the other .00000001 percent of the planet that is even attempting to do this?"

"This is one for the storybooks" bleats newsyakker.  Why not "this is one for a crappy Lifetime movie?"

No one has ever explained why any normal person who doesn't own eight cats or seek dates using ChristianMingle would give a damn about any of the people whose stories are being told in these treacly "Based on a True Story" bundles of warm pudding.  If anyone has ever been "inspired" to do anything but vomit after watching one of these "feel good" dung piles, I suggest therapy.

By the way, what the hell is with this scene-

White Male:  "What's her name?"
Black Female:  "Gabrielle Douglas."
White Male:  "Gabby Douglas!"

Can I hope that the next line was "no, GABRIELLE DOUGLAS.  Not 'Gabby.'  Why did you shorten her name like that?  What's wrong with Gabrielle?  Is it ok that a black girl is named 'Gabrielle,' or do you think it's your job and privilege as a white man to shorten or 'adjust' the name of every black female athlete?"

Considering the title of this junk, I'm assuming the answer is "no."