"Signature Look?" Ok, I admit it. I have no idea what that means.

I am trying to imagine growing up in a family which features

1.  A freaking palace of a living room (or maybe this is a rec room?  I really don't know.  I just know it's a freaking palace.)

2.  Half a dozen people who are obsessed with the amount of music they can download on to their phones, and who think that the ability to download a lot of music to their phones somehow makes them or their lives better.

3.  Parents who are thrilled at any new offering which allows their kids to use their phones more often.  I have to say, this is the one that always throws me.  I'm trying to picture my parents seeking out ways to allow us kids to be attached to phones as much as possible, and struggling with the "problem" of excessive charges in a way other than announcing "you are using the phone too often.  Stay off the damned phone."   I am not sure exactly when modern parents became eager, willing handmaidens to their kids desire to talk, text, download and stream 24/7, but I am quite certain it was not when I was a kid.

I'm also trying to imagine my parents measuring their self-worth on having a "signature look" centered around their phones.  Seriously, what the hell?

The rest of this Doritos ad seems to feature a girl riding a dog. I didn't bother.

Am I really the only person who watched this ad and couldn't get over the first ten seconds- when asshole dickweed douchenozzle worthless scumbag kid responds to his mom's plea for help with the groceries by sneering "I don't know, can you?" while keeping his eyes frozen to his cell phone?

Am I really the only person who felt legitimately nauseous when mom responded with "guess you don't want Doritos?"  Um, excuse me?  I wasn't the greatest kid in the world, but I'm pretty sure I never had to be bribed by my mother to ACT LIKE A FUCKING DECENT HUMAN BEING AND HELP HER WITH THE GROCERIES.  And I'm POSITIVE that if I ever DID not only refuse to help, but handed her a sassy quip while otherwise ignoring her, she would not have responded with "guess you don't want your favorite snack."  It would have been more like 'your dad's going to hear about this later- and guess what?  He's not going to be bribing you with a snack, either."

You know, I didn't even bother with the rest of this awfulness after that first ten seconds, because years after I thought I had gotten used to seeing jerk kids treat their parents like something they just scraped off their shoe, the absolute obviousness of this kid's need to have that cell phone taken away RIGHT NOW and his internet connection unplugged RIGHT NOW and needing to be put to work doing chores RIGHT NOW and being taught Basic Manners 101 RIGHT NOW really took me by surprise.  Well, what do you know-  you can still pull this off, Doritos.  I'll give you that.

What, no steak knives? Really cheap, Liberty Tax!

Even before I saw this commercial, I've always had a kind of morbid fascination with the Non-Existent 8 months out of the year company known as Liberty Tax.

First, like I said, this company seems to pop into existence around the first week of January only to vanish without a trace on April 15 and reappear again right after Christmas.  You can pretty much set your watch to seeing underpaid stooges*- some dressed in Statue of Liberty costumes- spinning arrows on the street, or those freaky wind sock creatures hypnotically beckoning you to come in and spend way too much on slap-and-dash tax preparation "services."

Second, it never fails to amaze me that anyone would think that Liberty Tax looks like a reputable business operation.  The "offices" are always located in rent-by-the-month buildings next to dollar stores or pawn shops.  I walked into one the other day (yes, every once in a while I actually do a little research for these posts) and saw that the entire setup consisted of two chairs, one desk (equipped with a laptop which appeared to be connected to the internet with a modem, no kidding) a starving artist Walmart-level painting over the desk, and a rug which could have used a good shampoo.  And you think "yep, these look like people I can trust with my money?"  Really?

Third, a quick trip to RipoffReport.com (one of my favorite sites) reveals HUNDREDS of complaints, all concerning hidden fees, inflated prices, inaccurate refund estimates, etc. etc.  Now, I suppose that the people who have access to RipoffReport.com also have access to cheap, safe, and professional tax preparers, so this criticism may be unfair- but jeesh, public libraries provide free internet access.  Is it so hard to do a little research when it comes to something as important as filing?

And then we have this commercial.  Refer a friend and get fifty bucks.  Refer more friends and get a DVD player.  Refer some more and get a big-screen TV.  Gifts in exchange for referrals- from a tax preparer?  Does this really sound on the level?  I mean, this isn't cable.  It's TAX PREPARATION.

Can I assume that most of the people who use Liberty Tax are new to the United States or very young and inexperienced, and just don't understand that tax filing is a bit more serious than buying a toaster?  Because I really don't understand how anyone of normal intelligence and some understanding of How Things Work could walk into one of these dumps because they saw a guy dressed like he should be in New York Harbor spinning a sign.  I mean, jeesh.  This is MONEY we're talking about.

*Didn't mean to be harsh here- times are tough, and work is work, and I must say that most of these guys seem to show real enthusiasm for their jobs, which makes me wonder if most of their pay isn't based on commission.

MetLife Family Values is measured in dollars and cents. Snoopy said so.

Two sisters barge into Idiot Clueless Parents house because they heard that dad got hurt doing something he's Not Supposed to Be Doing Because Come On He's Practically Dead For Chrissakes.

(I'm going to say right here that one of the sisters looks to be about mom's age- I'm not sure how that works- and the other one is really, really cute.  I mean really cute.  Preachy and insistent and know-it-allish, but really cute.  Ok, done now.)

Mom explains that Your Idiot Father (whose name is "Mr. Do It Yourself") was trying to commit suicide by cleaning the gutters when he slipped and fell and suffered an injury which will require that his arm is in a For Dramatic Effect sling when he sheepishly wanders downstairs to see what all the fuss is about I Was Trying To Take A Nap I'm An Old Man Dammit.  Homely Daughter and Really Cute Daughter (sorry, I just think she's really cute) display their Sigh Can't Turn Your Back On These People For A Minute looks, and I Am Not Sure I Buy That These Two Girls Are Related Non-Pretty Daughter finds a not-very-subtle way of asking if Mom and Dad have ever considered the possibility of maybe making it possible that the next bad accident be a financial windfall for the survivors.

Mom begs off- "getting insurance at our age can be hard..."  but not to worry, Daughter has the answer- "have you considered guaranteed acceptance coverage?"  Mom tries again- "but applying for insurance can be complicated..."  Daughter will not be denied- she's done her research, the Peanuts characters told her about MetLife, the cartoon music starts and Mom is reeled in for the kill by Seriously this Girl is Stunning Younger Daughter.

Dad shows up just in time to catch the tail end of the "lets plan on dad not surviving the next fall" conversation, and fifteen minutes later he and Mom have agreed to dedicate a large chunk of their fixed income to a company which will ease the pain of losing dad with a wad of cash.   Mission accomplished.  Now, back to the Ancient Aliens marathon.   Speaking of which- this show really lends itself to a great drinking game.  Chug a beer every time the narrator says "Ancient Astronaut Theorists."  You'll be bombed inside of half an hour.

The most awful 11 second commercial ever, courtesy of Hulu

Once again, I'm so grateful I got married before the age of cell phones.  I'm pretty sure I would have killed someone at some point during the ceremony.

Earth to anyone who would do something like this:  If you absolutely, positively cannot stop fucking around with your phone for a 30-minute stretch while two people pledge to live together and have sex for an indeterminate period of time, please just stay away.  Your presence is not so important that the Temporarily Happy Couple is willing to let you behave like an obtuse, self-centered jackass during what might very well be the only wedding they are ever the stars of.   Just stay home with your phone.

Or, if I ever get married again, please come and try to pull this during the ceremony.   Just carry a spare phone with a really good proctologist on speed dial.  Don't put it on the phone you normally use.  It won't be readily available.

Next week, we'll see Bronson Pinchot checking out the latest Nissans.

Someone got paid to write this.

Ever think you'd be sorry when Jan or a big fat guy with a white beard didn't make an appearance in a Toyota Commercial?

Ever wish you had followed your first impulse, turned off the tv, and devoted an hour or so watching paint dry instead?

Ever wish you could just punch someone in the face, really hard, for insulting you with a totally half-assed effort like this?  I mean, the commercial feels compelled to tell us exactly who Craig T Nelson is in the clunkiest manner possible (quick tip: if you have to introduce the guest star and remind us why we should know him, he isn't a guest star.)  Coach was cancelled in 1997.  If you are under 30, chances are you don't remember it.  Doesn't say much for Craig Teabagger Nelson that we are supposed to recognize him from a bad sitcom he starred in 17 years ago (and not the bad sitcom he's been starring in for the past three years.)

Depressed yet?

Another post of personal privilege dedicated to UPS

In Transit : On Schedule

Expected delivery: Tuesday, March 4, 2014, by 8:00pm 

Holy crap, seriously?  This item (a DVD) has been shipped from Ohio--- and I can expect to receive it here in Maryland by Tuesday, March 4 (by 8 PM- well, that's something, anyway???)  Is it being walked to my door?  The snail mail carrier in Frog and Toad are Friends delivered items faster than this. 

Note that I said this has ALREADY been shipped- from OHIO- not Saturn, for chrissakes.  

Here's the silver lining, which still makes it funny- from past experience, I know that the "Expected Delivery" date is 100 percent fictitious.  I'll have this DVD inside of a week.  So where did Amazon come up with "Tuesday, March 4, 2014?"  Does it have something to do with it being Town Hall Meeting Day in Vermont?  Did some poor slob who found himself pulling a Sunday shift just figure it sounded reasonable, so what the hell?

"By 8 PM."  Well, thank goodness for that.  Because I really was planning to watch this DVD at 8 PM on March 4.