The most depressing thing about that State Farm Baby Ad

It's not that it features a talking baby.  That bit is so old, it's encrusted with liken.  It's so stale the birds won't peck at it.  It's so....well, anyway, it's not the talking baby.  Ad agencies love talking babies.  They don't cost anything, and the mouth breathers simply cannot get enough of them- check out the MENSA members who commented on this commercial on YouTube.

It's not that the talking baby is over-the-top rude and that it's impossible to imagine how revolting it will be when it grows up, considering how unbearably awful it is at six months.  Obnoxious Before Their Time talking babies are just par for the course.  Commercial babies are always commenting on the stock market, automobiles, cell phones- why not insurance?

It's not even the mime- mimes are easy go-to's in ads like this, never mind that they went extinct more than 30 years ago (the last mime died in captivity in 1984, cause of death unknown.  Nobody cared to investigate.)  It's not even that the talking baby knows what a mime is- talking babies know everything, remember?

And no, it's not the "I have a weird talking baby whatareyagonnado?" look Mom gives her Not At All Adorable Or Funny Little Tyke.  That, too, is to be expected in ads like this.  People are always shrugging and responding quizzically to their disgusting idiot spawn instead of doing what I'd think would come naturally- abandoning them in alleys or sending them off to military school.  Hey, you made it, Mom- deal with it.  Just don't expect me to laugh at it, at least until it says something legitimately funny, which I imagine will be shortly after next Never.

Nope- the most depressing thing about this State Farm Baby Ad is the fact that it features a State Farm agent inexplicably going over insurance options with a prospective customer in an outdoor cafe, as if he's trying to sell her on an investment opportunity or time share.  On what planet do people arrange for face-to-face sit-downs to discuss home and auto insurance?  How is this in any way cost-feasible for State Farm?  Is this woman looking to take out a $5 million policy, or what?

Actually, if the baby had said "anyone think it's weird that my mom is discussing insurance over coffee at an outdoor cafe?  FREAKY!" it would have made a LOT more sense.  But it still wouldn't have been anything approaching funny.  Because- talking babies?  Please.

"All done singing 'Five Dollar Foot Longs?' Here's another jingle, sandwich monkeys."

Because in Subway's little fantasy world, it's jingles become instant beloved classics that we just can't get enough of.  We love them at least as much as we love our sandwiches drowning in salty, greasy "corn" chips.

Just one question- can I get this with half a pound or so of bacon?  Because as it appears here, I don't think it would kill me quite fast enough.

For the first five seconds of this ad, I thought "focus" meant "extreme nearsightedness"

According to Five-Hour Energy what, exactly, is "focus?"

It's bringing your A-game.  It's taking it to the paint, and leaving nothing on the field.  It's giving it all you've got- 110 percent.  It's going All Out, and putting it all on the line.  It's Bringing It.  It's being Up to the Challenge, Not Backing Down, Kicking Butt and Taking Names.

In short, it's being able to bleat every hackneyed cliche ever invented and jamming it into a 30-second ad for caffeine-laden syrup which is totally unnecessary for anyone who eats a decent, balanced diet and gets regular exercise.

Meeting of the....ummm...."minds"....at Denny's

Here are two friends having a breakfast skillet at Denny's who have absolutely, positively NOTHING to say to each other.

"I told you you could create your own skillet," one says.  Uh-huh.  Well, you were proven right, weren't you?  I wonder how many months this guy had to push his friend to give in and try the Denny's create your own skillet deal, and how many conversations included "man, I just don't believe you" and a frustrated walk-off.

"I've never had a combination like this"-- wow, who the hell wrote this dialogue?  So two friends go eat breakfast and the only thing either of them can think to say is something about...the breakfast?  Really?

And we finish up with some lame-ass comment about haircut styles.  "You got to try something new..."  "you've had the same haircut since seventh grade!"  Oh, the hilarity.  And YOU'VE had the same idiot, boring friend and the same total inability to make small talk since god knows when.

Seriously, what the hell is this?  If I found myself eating breakfast with a friend and engaged in a conversation which was 100 percent about that breakfast, I'd start to wonder what was wrong with my life.  Of course, I've never once tried to talk someone into getting breakfast at Denny's, so maybe I just can't relate.

Cheerios Commercial Rewrite

"Gracie, you know how our family has mommy.....and daddy......."

Gracie: "Don't condescend me.  I can count.  I'm not three, for chrissakes, daddy.  You are about to use another Cheerio to indicate me, so let's cut to the chase, ok?"

Daddy:  "Um, ok.....well....we are about to add another....."

Gracie:  "Oh crap."

Daddy:  "You and your mommy and I... I mean, you are about have a baby brother."

Gracie:  "Oh, crap.  Another baby in the house?  How the hell did this happen?"

Daddy:  "Well, you see, honey, when Mommies and Daddies love each other and Daddy gets a little drunk, sometimes mommies forget that we agreed to stop at one, and then suddenly Mommy tells Daddy that she 'forgot' to take her birth control...."

Mommy:  "Excuse me?  I was plastered too, dammit.  And there's no reason why you couldn't use a condom.  Why is it always my responsibility?"

Gracie:  "If I have to put up with a baby, I want a puppy."

Daddy: "Mommy and Daddy are talking right now.  Eat your Cheerios."

Mommy:  "We're talking right now? Oh really?  This doesn't look like talking."

Daddy: "You're complaining?  Last time we talked, we AGREED to wait."

Mommy: "THAT again!  Listen, sleep on the fucking couch and we don't have this issue."

Gracie:  "I want a puppy."

eHarmony's creepy "Granddaughter" ad: I don't want to imagine Show and Tell at this girl's school....

Maybe it's because I'm a teacher.  Maybe it's because I'm a particularly private person.  But I don't think so.  I think I'm perfectly justified in thinking that this kid's teacher has no business discussing his relationship status with his students.

I mean, think about it.  This awdowable pwecious wittle girl with the adowable pwecious speeth disowdah is not only aware that her male teacher has a new girlfriend, but that he met her through an online website.  She even knows that website is NOT eHarmony....shouldn't Teacher be, I don't know, TEACHING instead of discussing this with the class?

Then again, she knows her uber-creepy grandfather makes his living by operating a dating website that "has all the hot babes," so maybe she's used to having inappropriate conversations with old guys.  Still, I think a call to the school would be more than appropriate here.  BOUNDARIES, people.  BOUNDARIES!

Stufz? Someone call Child Protective Services on Chef Duffy!

This guy's enthusiasm for dead cow jammed with poisonous junk has spread to his poor daughter, whose "favorite" burger comes stuffed with macaroni and cheese.  Why do I suspect that bacon bowls are popular in this house too?

So the fattest, most unhealthy country on the planet continues to find more ways to kill itself with food.  We shouldn't be eating ground beef at all- it's a terribly inefficient protein delivery method, besides creating massive amounts of waste by causing its harvesters to dedicate millions of acres of land to its production which could be better used for the growing of grain.  It's fatty and heart-unfriendly and cruel.  Yet we are forever seeking new ways to ingest this life-shortening junk.

And the new trend seems to be to find ways to jam as many calories as possible into the smallest area.  Bacon bowls. Bread bowls.  Stuffed hamburgers.  KFC Double-downs.  Cheeseburger pizzas.  "Conveniently," consuming a huge amount of fat doesn't take a huge amount of food anymore.  Yay....