Here's how it really works, Esurance Lady....

You see, there's this thing called "Facebook" which was invented primarily to feed the desperate need of some people to believe that the world would be interested in what they were doing if only they could be informed of it. Constantly.

So what you do is, you take a lot of pictures of yourself and your friends and pretty much everything else, and you download them to your Facebook page, where you can admire them and pretend that people appreciate being able to see them and then think that you are somehow interesting because hey, check out these pictures.

Then you contact everyone you've ever had even a passing acquaintance with and try to guilt them into "friending" you, because your worth as a human being is now determined by how many "Facebook friends" you have.  Needless to say, you don't ever actually "unfriend" anyone, because that would bring your counter down and make you a Less Valuable Person (see below for exceptions to this rule.)  Besides, you wouldn't want to deny anyone an opportunity to look at all those awesome photos you put up or to check out all those links you're positive are super interesting to everyone and not just you.

Now of course, there are a few exceptions.  Sometimes you "friend" people and then you really, really wish you hadn't, because it turns out that even though quite a few years have gone by, the scars haven't quite healed and you aren't ready to be in communication with that person- and you certainly aren't ready to find out that that person is doing perfectly fine without you.  Needless to say that you aren't ready to pretend that you are perfectly fine with that.

Then there are the people who are so obnoxious about drowning you in inane links and photos and "I'm going to brush my teeth now!" updates that Unfriending seems to be a very civil alternative to what you would like to do to express your disgust at the vapid dimwit who thinks that you really, really need to see another picture of My New Toaster Isn't It Awesome.

And then there are the people who "friend" you that you never hear from after accepting their---umm--- "friendship."  These people are certainly worth "unfriending," because guess what?  When they said they wanted to be "Facebook Friends," what they meant was they wanted to add you to their "friend" counter.  In other words, you are being used.  For people like this, "unfriend" really doesn't cut it- there really ought to be a stronger "kiss off" option.  But that's not how it works, either- and it requires that you don't care about your own "friends" number.

Anyway, Esurance Lady, I kind of like your strategy better.  That's a nice wall you've got there, and anyone who comes over to see it is probably a real friend, whether it's supposed to work this way or not.  I admire your ability to live in your own world, according to your own rules.  If you contacted me, I might even "friend" you.  My counter is a little low.

AT&T's family of synchronized bobbleheads. Is this horrible? Yep!

1.  Why bring your entire family with you to pick out a phone plan?  Do we really need Junior's input?  When he bleats "10gs?" to confirm that the supervisor said "10gs," I want Dad to remind Junior that Dad is going to be handling this and that Junior needs to keep his ugly yap shut.  Unless, of course, Junior wants to pay for his own goddamned phone.

2.  Then again....considering that Dad is so knob-stupid that he actually thinks that the purchase of a phone plan is "going to bring this family closer together," maybe Junior should be in charge of the whole operation.  This has never been explained to me- how exactly does giving everyone in the family a phone which allows for unlimited talk and text bring that family "closer together?"  Does Dad really believe that his wife and kids are going to be using all that "connectivity" to actually connect with each other?

3.  I guess it's supposed to be funny that this family is lined up according to height and nods and moves it's hands in unison.  Unless AT&T's message is "we think our customers are easily-manipulated, vapid robots, like these people," I just don't get it.

4.  Are all the "yeps" at the end supposed to mean anything other than "we had no idea how to end this commercial without making these carbon based barely-life forms look like drooling suckers for whatever the supervisor tells them, so here you are?"  Or was this supposed to be funny again, and I just don't get it because I'm not intelligent enough to pick up on the biting satirical wit?

The most depressing thing about that State Farm Baby Ad

It's not that it features a talking baby.  That bit is so old, it's encrusted with liken.  It's so stale the birds won't peck at it.  It's so....well, anyway, it's not the talking baby.  Ad agencies love talking babies.  They don't cost anything, and the mouth breathers simply cannot get enough of them- check out the MENSA members who commented on this commercial on YouTube.

It's not that the talking baby is over-the-top rude and that it's impossible to imagine how revolting it will be when it grows up, considering how unbearably awful it is at six months.  Obnoxious Before Their Time talking babies are just par for the course.  Commercial babies are always commenting on the stock market, automobiles, cell phones- why not insurance?

It's not even the mime- mimes are easy go-to's in ads like this, never mind that they went extinct more than 30 years ago (the last mime died in captivity in 1984, cause of death unknown.  Nobody cared to investigate.)  It's not even that the talking baby knows what a mime is- talking babies know everything, remember?

And no, it's not the "I have a weird talking baby whatareyagonnado?" look Mom gives her Not At All Adorable Or Funny Little Tyke.  That, too, is to be expected in ads like this.  People are always shrugging and responding quizzically to their disgusting idiot spawn instead of doing what I'd think would come naturally- abandoning them in alleys or sending them off to military school.  Hey, you made it, Mom- deal with it.  Just don't expect me to laugh at it, at least until it says something legitimately funny, which I imagine will be shortly after next Never.

Nope- the most depressing thing about this State Farm Baby Ad is the fact that it features a State Farm agent inexplicably going over insurance options with a prospective customer in an outdoor cafe, as if he's trying to sell her on an investment opportunity or time share.  On what planet do people arrange for face-to-face sit-downs to discuss home and auto insurance?  How is this in any way cost-feasible for State Farm?  Is this woman looking to take out a $5 million policy, or what?

Actually, if the baby had said "anyone think it's weird that my mom is discussing insurance over coffee at an outdoor cafe?  FREAKY!" it would have made a LOT more sense.  But it still wouldn't have been anything approaching funny.  Because- talking babies?  Please.

"All done singing 'Five Dollar Foot Longs?' Here's another jingle, sandwich monkeys."

Because in Subway's little fantasy world, it's jingles become instant beloved classics that we just can't get enough of.  We love them at least as much as we love our sandwiches drowning in salty, greasy "corn" chips.

Just one question- can I get this with half a pound or so of bacon?  Because as it appears here, I don't think it would kill me quite fast enough.

For the first five seconds of this ad, I thought "focus" meant "extreme nearsightedness"

According to Five-Hour Energy what, exactly, is "focus?"

It's bringing your A-game.  It's taking it to the paint, and leaving nothing on the field.  It's giving it all you've got- 110 percent.  It's going All Out, and putting it all on the line.  It's Bringing It.  It's being Up to the Challenge, Not Backing Down, Kicking Butt and Taking Names.

In short, it's being able to bleat every hackneyed cliche ever invented and jamming it into a 30-second ad for caffeine-laden syrup which is totally unnecessary for anyone who eats a decent, balanced diet and gets regular exercise.

Meeting of the....ummm...."minds"....at Denny's

Here are two friends having a breakfast skillet at Denny's who have absolutely, positively NOTHING to say to each other.

"I told you you could create your own skillet," one says.  Uh-huh.  Well, you were proven right, weren't you?  I wonder how many months this guy had to push his friend to give in and try the Denny's create your own skillet deal, and how many conversations included "man, I just don't believe you" and a frustrated walk-off.

"I've never had a combination like this"-- wow, who the hell wrote this dialogue?  So two friends go eat breakfast and the only thing either of them can think to say is something about...the breakfast?  Really?

And we finish up with some lame-ass comment about haircut styles.  "You got to try something new..."  "you've had the same haircut since seventh grade!"  Oh, the hilarity.  And YOU'VE had the same idiot, boring friend and the same total inability to make small talk since god knows when.

Seriously, what the hell is this?  If I found myself eating breakfast with a friend and engaged in a conversation which was 100 percent about that breakfast, I'd start to wonder what was wrong with my life.  Of course, I've never once tried to talk someone into getting breakfast at Denny's, so maybe I just can't relate.

Cheerios Commercial Rewrite

"Gracie, you know how our family has mommy.....and daddy......."

Gracie: "Don't condescend me.  I can count.  I'm not three, for chrissakes, daddy.  You are about to use another Cheerio to indicate me, so let's cut to the chase, ok?"

Daddy:  "Um, ok.....well....we are about to add another....."

Gracie:  "Oh crap."

Daddy:  "You and your mommy and I... I mean, you are about have a baby brother."

Gracie:  "Oh, crap.  Another baby in the house?  How the hell did this happen?"

Daddy:  "Well, you see, honey, when Mommies and Daddies love each other and Daddy gets a little drunk, sometimes mommies forget that we agreed to stop at one, and then suddenly Mommy tells Daddy that she 'forgot' to take her birth control...."

Mommy:  "Excuse me?  I was plastered too, dammit.  And there's no reason why you couldn't use a condom.  Why is it always my responsibility?"

Gracie:  "If I have to put up with a baby, I want a puppy."

Daddy: "Mommy and Daddy are talking right now.  Eat your Cheerios."

Mommy:  "We're talking right now? Oh really?  This doesn't look like talking."

Daddy: "You're complaining?  Last time we talked, we AGREED to wait."

Mommy: "THAT again!  Listen, sleep on the fucking couch and we don't have this issue."

Gracie:  "I want a puppy."