New Homes Guide- message received and understood

Watch this ad closely, and the not-very-subliminal message becomes obvious:

A)  Guys are expected to find and buy houses for the Little Women they convinced to marry them.

B)  If the Little Women actually let the Guys do this on their own, however, they will fail miserably.  Because they are clueless assholes who generally can't find their own butts with both hands and a flashlight.  In other words, because they are Guys.

C)  Therefore, the best plan is for women to just take yet another job out of the hands of the stupid Guys They Inexplicably Gave Themselves To and go find their freaking dream homes themselves.  Sure, they could just sigh and pout as the Stupid Idiot tries to explain why he failed to do that part of his husbandly duty which did not involve getting her pregnant, but that doesn't get them a house now, does it?

D)  It's not a matter of money- the makers of this ad know that you've got more than enough to buy a home.  It's just a matter of picking out the right one.  "Jeesh, honey, why didn't you know that these houses were available so we could just go get one?  Must be nice.

No good guys in this Chevy Tahoe Ad

Everyone agrees that the babysitter is acting unethically here by raising her rates when she realizes that her customers have so much money coming out of their ears that they drive a Pompousmobile with every bell and whistle imaginable.   Personally, I think she might have noticed that they can afford to pay a little more when she looked around and saw that they live in a house larger than some Nigerian villages.

I don't disagree that this is the wrong thing to do....sort of.  I mean, employer and employee made a deal, right?  On the other hand....the mom in this ad seems to go out of her way to impress babysitter with her wealth in the most ostentatious way possible.  What's with the pop-up screens, Facebook, GPS, etc?  She's driving the kid home, not retracing the Lewis and Clark expedition.  She might as well just announce "hey, check out how filthy rich we are, babysitter monkey.  Easily rich enough to hire teenaged girls to take care of our pampered spawn.  When I get to your- umm-- 'house'- I'll find two twenties gathering lint at the bottom of my purse."

So while I kind of go along with the "she needs to stick with the agreed-upon salary" argument, I can't build up any sense of outrage either.  The fact is the mom can easily afford to pay more, and if she's going to toss money around on tricked-out SUVs she might as well be pushed to pay her hired help a decent wage.  I hope the word gets around and they end up paying every babysitter $40 an hour - or just staying home with the Crown Prince.

Sucks to be rich sometimes- or so I've heard.

Hollywood's Hammer of Been There, Done That, Here We Go Again

1.  Who asked for a sequel to the very weakest installment  in the Marvel Comics Parade of Avengers?  Thor was a plotless, CGI-dominated boring mess featuring a cast of characters no one could possibly give a flying damn about.  The humans in the film who interact (sort of) with Thor could not have been more colorless, and the "story" could not have been less engaging.  Sequel? Really?

2.  When I first saw Thor, my reaction to seeing the main female lead was "what the hell is Natalie Portman doing in this?"  Now I see she's in the sequel, and my reaction is exactly the same.  What are you doing, Miss Portman?  Every time I think your acting career might actually take off, you take a huge step backward.  I understand your wanting to wash the stink of the Star Wars prequels off your resume, but playing the love interest of a mannequin with the acting talent of a caterpillar is not the way to accomplish that.  Heck, that's what you were doing in those Star Wars prequels!

3.  I thought that the whole point of releasing an Avengers movie every few months for a decade was to build up interest for a movie featuring all of them.  We got that, in 2012.  It was called The Avengers.  It was bloated and busy and boring, as dull characters engaged in dull conversations in between fights with some bad guys whose motivation was never made at all clear (or maybe I was asleep by then.)  It made a billion dollars, Mission Accomplished.  So what the hell- you are going to keep subjecting us to the "adventures" of the individual avengers now?  What's the point?  I didn't even bother with Iron Man 3- you think I want to see Thor and Captain America and the Hulk in their own movies after the Big Splashy Get-Together?  Jeesh, that's about as pointless as rebooting Spider-Man....oh wait.....

Here's how it really works, Esurance Lady....

You see, there's this thing called "Facebook" which was invented primarily to feed the desperate need of some people to believe that the world would be interested in what they were doing if only they could be informed of it. Constantly.

So what you do is, you take a lot of pictures of yourself and your friends and pretty much everything else, and you download them to your Facebook page, where you can admire them and pretend that people appreciate being able to see them and then think that you are somehow interesting because hey, check out these pictures.

Then you contact everyone you've ever had even a passing acquaintance with and try to guilt them into "friending" you, because your worth as a human being is now determined by how many "Facebook friends" you have.  Needless to say, you don't ever actually "unfriend" anyone, because that would bring your counter down and make you a Less Valuable Person (see below for exceptions to this rule.)  Besides, you wouldn't want to deny anyone an opportunity to look at all those awesome photos you put up or to check out all those links you're positive are super interesting to everyone and not just you.

Now of course, there are a few exceptions.  Sometimes you "friend" people and then you really, really wish you hadn't, because it turns out that even though quite a few years have gone by, the scars haven't quite healed and you aren't ready to be in communication with that person- and you certainly aren't ready to find out that that person is doing perfectly fine without you.  Needless to say that you aren't ready to pretend that you are perfectly fine with that.

Then there are the people who are so obnoxious about drowning you in inane links and photos and "I'm going to brush my teeth now!" updates that Unfriending seems to be a very civil alternative to what you would like to do to express your disgust at the vapid dimwit who thinks that you really, really need to see another picture of My New Toaster Isn't It Awesome.

And then there are the people who "friend" you that you never hear from after accepting their---umm--- "friendship."  These people are certainly worth "unfriending," because guess what?  When they said they wanted to be "Facebook Friends," what they meant was they wanted to add you to their "friend" counter.  In other words, you are being used.  For people like this, "unfriend" really doesn't cut it- there really ought to be a stronger "kiss off" option.  But that's not how it works, either- and it requires that you don't care about your own "friends" number.

Anyway, Esurance Lady, I kind of like your strategy better.  That's a nice wall you've got there, and anyone who comes over to see it is probably a real friend, whether it's supposed to work this way or not.  I admire your ability to live in your own world, according to your own rules.  If you contacted me, I might even "friend" you.  My counter is a little low.

AT&T's family of synchronized bobbleheads. Is this horrible? Yep!

1.  Why bring your entire family with you to pick out a phone plan?  Do we really need Junior's input?  When he bleats "10gs?" to confirm that the supervisor said "10gs," I want Dad to remind Junior that Dad is going to be handling this and that Junior needs to keep his ugly yap shut.  Unless, of course, Junior wants to pay for his own goddamned phone.

2.  Then again....considering that Dad is so knob-stupid that he actually thinks that the purchase of a phone plan is "going to bring this family closer together," maybe Junior should be in charge of the whole operation.  This has never been explained to me- how exactly does giving everyone in the family a phone which allows for unlimited talk and text bring that family "closer together?"  Does Dad really believe that his wife and kids are going to be using all that "connectivity" to actually connect with each other?

3.  I guess it's supposed to be funny that this family is lined up according to height and nods and moves it's hands in unison.  Unless AT&T's message is "we think our customers are easily-manipulated, vapid robots, like these people," I just don't get it.

4.  Are all the "yeps" at the end supposed to mean anything other than "we had no idea how to end this commercial without making these carbon based barely-life forms look like drooling suckers for whatever the supervisor tells them, so here you are?"  Or was this supposed to be funny again, and I just don't get it because I'm not intelligent enough to pick up on the biting satirical wit?

The most depressing thing about that State Farm Baby Ad

It's not that it features a talking baby.  That bit is so old, it's encrusted with liken.  It's so stale the birds won't peck at it.  It's so....well, anyway, it's not the talking baby.  Ad agencies love talking babies.  They don't cost anything, and the mouth breathers simply cannot get enough of them- check out the MENSA members who commented on this commercial on YouTube.

It's not that the talking baby is over-the-top rude and that it's impossible to imagine how revolting it will be when it grows up, considering how unbearably awful it is at six months.  Obnoxious Before Their Time talking babies are just par for the course.  Commercial babies are always commenting on the stock market, automobiles, cell phones- why not insurance?

It's not even the mime- mimes are easy go-to's in ads like this, never mind that they went extinct more than 30 years ago (the last mime died in captivity in 1984, cause of death unknown.  Nobody cared to investigate.)  It's not even that the talking baby knows what a mime is- talking babies know everything, remember?

And no, it's not the "I have a weird talking baby whatareyagonnado?" look Mom gives her Not At All Adorable Or Funny Little Tyke.  That, too, is to be expected in ads like this.  People are always shrugging and responding quizzically to their disgusting idiot spawn instead of doing what I'd think would come naturally- abandoning them in alleys or sending them off to military school.  Hey, you made it, Mom- deal with it.  Just don't expect me to laugh at it, at least until it says something legitimately funny, which I imagine will be shortly after next Never.

Nope- the most depressing thing about this State Farm Baby Ad is the fact that it features a State Farm agent inexplicably going over insurance options with a prospective customer in an outdoor cafe, as if he's trying to sell her on an investment opportunity or time share.  On what planet do people arrange for face-to-face sit-downs to discuss home and auto insurance?  How is this in any way cost-feasible for State Farm?  Is this woman looking to take out a $5 million policy, or what?

Actually, if the baby had said "anyone think it's weird that my mom is discussing insurance over coffee at an outdoor cafe?  FREAKY!" it would have made a LOT more sense.  But it still wouldn't have been anything approaching funny.  Because- talking babies?  Please.

"All done singing 'Five Dollar Foot Longs?' Here's another jingle, sandwich monkeys."

Because in Subway's little fantasy world, it's jingles become instant beloved classics that we just can't get enough of.  We love them at least as much as we love our sandwiches drowning in salty, greasy "corn" chips.

Just one question- can I get this with half a pound or so of bacon?  Because as it appears here, I don't think it would kill me quite fast enough.