I'm sure UPS doesn't mind taking advantage of smug-for-no-reason jackanapes like this

Seriously, if you don't want to hunt down and kill every single one of these smarmy geeky "yay let's get rich doing absolutely nothing" rejects from the Clinton Era by the end of the ad, you are a far, far better person then I am.

"Start ups?"  Being organized in what looks like the top floor of an abandoned warehouse, complete with exactly one table, four twentysomething dreamers (dreaming of nothing but lots of money coming from no actual work,) four PCs and one dream?  A team of gushing, drooling dickwads who are about to discover that they really, really should have stayed in school where they might have learned that the Start Up Bubble burst more than a freaking decade ago?

Here's what would make this commercial reasonably entertaining:  If it turned out that it actually WAS taking place in 1998 and it was revealed that the SuperAwesomeStartUp being celebrated here was Boo.com.  Or it ended with a massive meteor crashing into the "office" and vaporizing this entire group.  Either way.

Is this pig representing a House District in California, or what?

Does this pig do anything with it's life other than date cute girls and check his insurance status on his Iphone? Seriously, he's ALWAYS updating his account, checking his payment status, checking a claim status, etc. etc. etc.  And letting people know how cool it is.  Doesn't matter if he's on a date, or in a plane, or at a football game.  He's got one App and he's determined to let everyone know he knows how to use it.

If I knew someone this obsessed with his insurance policy, I'd suspect that he was planning on burning down his business and cleaning up.  I think that's called "Pulling an Issa," isn't it?

The kids in this ad think waaayyy too much about Dad

When I wasn't being mortified and nauseous, I was trying to understand why Son is giving Father a condom before Father goes out on his fourth date with "Sheila."

Is it because Son has done a little E-Verifying and has discovered that "Sheila" has been around the block more than a few times, so Father better be careful not to pick up something unpleasant from his Lady Friend?  Is it because Father is dating someone half his age, and Son isn't interested in seeing a new Heir to the Suburban Mansion popping up nine months down the road?  I mean, what the hell?  Until Son pulled out the condom, I was pretty sure this was going to be an ad for Just For Men Hair Coloring.  That would have made sense (because we know from watching tv that grey hair is Very Bad And Wrong.)

I think I'll stop trying to figure this out and just go back to being mortified and nauseous.

Missing Scenes and other thoughts from the ING "Orange Money" Ad

1.  Can I assume that in the extended cut of this ad, we saw the woman here apologizing for giving her husband a sermon on carelessness she realized that SHE was the one leaving Orange Retirement Money (yeah, whatever) in her jeans?  Because...

2.  We all know that if the sexes were reversed in this ad, it would not end with the guy simply slinking away.  We'd probably see him doing something to make up for the fact that he dared suggest for even one moment that his wife was the one who was careless with money.  Come on, what were you thinking, Doofus Hubby? Everyone knows she's the brains holding this family's financial future together!

3.  Anyone else think that the whole "Orange Money" thing is really, really stupid?  Ok, so there's money they are spending, and money they are saving.  When it's in cash form, it's just money.  When it's time to buy the groceries, what happens if all you've got in your pocket is Orange money?  Do you put them back on the shelf?  No? Then shut up with the Orange Money crap.

Actually, knowing the words to this song is grounds for divorce in most countries

1.  Why did two twentysomethings pick one of the most blatantly twee songs of the 1980s as "their song?"  Seriously, this is one of those ear-bleeders that had anyone with taste frantically twisting the dial of their Sony Walkman the moment the first chords made it identifiable.  "Our song?"  Ugh.

2.  Moron doofus thoughtless choad sharing a romantic moment with his two best friends- his girl and his phone.  Check.  Seriously, what kind of douchenozzle can't put his f---ing phone in his pocket during a dance?  It's called addiction, buddy.  Get help for it.

3.  Girlfriend asked boyfriend if he remembered this was their song- she didn't ask him to sing it, and once he starts to, we can certainly understand why.  I guess that's part of the joke- hey look people, not only is this guy thoughtless (can't remember* he and his girl have a song) and rude (holds his phone in his hand during a dance) but he has the worst singing voice since that guy screeching "This Magic Moment" in that Google ad.  Wow, what a great catch, lady.

*Or maybe he's just trying to forget that his girlfriend picked out this truly atrocious, cloying lump of decaying gush which really should have been left in the dumpster thirty years ago.

One day I decided to stop trying to kill my cat

1.  Jake didn't "realize" anything, it's just a cat.  All Jake knows is that at some point it's owner stopped feeding it cheap takeout pizza and potato chips.  Which means Jake is still alive.  If Jake understands this on any level, Jake is Grateful.

2.  And now Jake is wondering why there's this delicious-looking slab of salmon sitting there in the fridge, and he has to settle for this dry stuff.  What the hell?

New Homes Guide- message received and understood

Watch this ad closely, and the not-very-subliminal message becomes obvious:

A)  Guys are expected to find and buy houses for the Little Women they convinced to marry them.

B)  If the Little Women actually let the Guys do this on their own, however, they will fail miserably.  Because they are clueless assholes who generally can't find their own butts with both hands and a flashlight.  In other words, because they are Guys.

C)  Therefore, the best plan is for women to just take yet another job out of the hands of the stupid Guys They Inexplicably Gave Themselves To and go find their freaking dream homes themselves.  Sure, they could just sigh and pout as the Stupid Idiot tries to explain why he failed to do that part of his husbandly duty which did not involve getting her pregnant, but that doesn't get them a house now, does it?

D)  It's not a matter of money- the makers of this ad know that you've got more than enough to buy a home.  It's just a matter of picking out the right one.  "Jeesh, honey, why didn't you know that these houses were available so we could just go get one?  Must be nice.