What did I say that sounded like "tell me about your medication, grampa?"

 

What is WITH this guy?  For absolutely no reason I can see, he suddenly launches into a monologue concerning the amazing Voyage of Discovery leading him to adding yet another very expensive, side effects-laden drug to his regular routine.  I don't see anyone ask him a question about his medication, or show any interest at all in his decision to add yet another set of chemicals to the pharmacy that is coursing through his veins in a sad attempt to keep his non-life going for a few more years.

I can only imagine that his long-suffering spouse gave a hopeless little sigh and eyeroll when her self-absorbed twat of a husband started his totally uncalled-for story with "...but I wondered: Could I Up My Game?"  Uh huh.  Know the difference between me and you, buddy?  I don't wonder out loud.

Apparently not getting that he's already broken the Shut Up Nobody Gives A Damn meter, he proceeds to read off his Not At All Personal He Doesn't Mind Sharing Hey Where Are You Going reasons for convincing his doctor to prescribe Eliquis in the clunkiest, most unconvincing manner possible:  "One.....Two.....Three......." Is Spouse supposed to be taking notes here?  Will there be a quiz later?

Mercifully, this guy has a son who convinces Dad to stop with the Commercial-within-a-Commercial and shoot hoops before mom totally loses it and runs off with the slightly less insane jagoff from the Crestor ad.

In another ad for the same product, a woman bleats pretty much the same speech, except her tagline is "Change my focus." Hmmm....not quite as effective as "Up my game," but we can't expect the people who write this crud to actually put thought into the stilted lines they have these "actors" bleat now, can we?

Of course, only women need it...

Maybe before the 21st century is out, we'll actually be treated to a commercial which recognizes that men vacuum, use paper towels, and change diapers too?  Maybe? Any chance at all?

Until that time, here's the Oreck Magnesium R2D2 Super-Amazing Magnum Force Infinite Suction More Bells and Whistles Than The Space Shuttle And More Aerodynamic Too Vacuum Cleaner.  It's just perfect for the Little Lady- switches from hardwood floors to rugs with just a push of her delicate little finger, and she can carry it upstairs to keep the upper floors of the House You Put Her In So It's The Least She Can Do just as clean as the lower ones.

And do it quickly, too- after all, there are those spills to be cleaned up, and those diapers to change.  Not to mention getting dinner on the table for the Man Who Made All This Possible.  If she doesn't do it, who will?

So guys?  Sure Christmas has passed, and so has Valentine's Day, but her birthday and that anniversary must be coming up somewhere down the road.  Chocolate Diamonds are nice and all, but nothing beats a sparkling clean cage--- errr, home--- for the little missus, right?

Make it extra special- stick a red bow on the thing before you give it to her.  She'll be even more grateful.

I'm sure UPS doesn't mind taking advantage of smug-for-no-reason jackanapes like this

Seriously, if you don't want to hunt down and kill every single one of these smarmy geeky "yay let's get rich doing absolutely nothing" rejects from the Clinton Era by the end of the ad, you are a far, far better person then I am.

"Start ups?"  Being organized in what looks like the top floor of an abandoned warehouse, complete with exactly one table, four twentysomething dreamers (dreaming of nothing but lots of money coming from no actual work,) four PCs and one dream?  A team of gushing, drooling dickwads who are about to discover that they really, really should have stayed in school where they might have learned that the Start Up Bubble burst more than a freaking decade ago?

Here's what would make this commercial reasonably entertaining:  If it turned out that it actually WAS taking place in 1998 and it was revealed that the SuperAwesomeStartUp being celebrated here was Boo.com.  Or it ended with a massive meteor crashing into the "office" and vaporizing this entire group.  Either way.

Is this pig representing a House District in California, or what?

Does this pig do anything with it's life other than date cute girls and check his insurance status on his Iphone? Seriously, he's ALWAYS updating his account, checking his payment status, checking a claim status, etc. etc. etc.  And letting people know how cool it is.  Doesn't matter if he's on a date, or in a plane, or at a football game.  He's got one App and he's determined to let everyone know he knows how to use it.

If I knew someone this obsessed with his insurance policy, I'd suspect that he was planning on burning down his business and cleaning up.  I think that's called "Pulling an Issa," isn't it?

The kids in this ad think waaayyy too much about Dad

When I wasn't being mortified and nauseous, I was trying to understand why Son is giving Father a condom before Father goes out on his fourth date with "Sheila."

Is it because Son has done a little E-Verifying and has discovered that "Sheila" has been around the block more than a few times, so Father better be careful not to pick up something unpleasant from his Lady Friend?  Is it because Father is dating someone half his age, and Son isn't interested in seeing a new Heir to the Suburban Mansion popping up nine months down the road?  I mean, what the hell?  Until Son pulled out the condom, I was pretty sure this was going to be an ad for Just For Men Hair Coloring.  That would have made sense (because we know from watching tv that grey hair is Very Bad And Wrong.)

I think I'll stop trying to figure this out and just go back to being mortified and nauseous.

Missing Scenes and other thoughts from the ING "Orange Money" Ad

1.  Can I assume that in the extended cut of this ad, we saw the woman here apologizing for giving her husband a sermon on carelessness she realized that SHE was the one leaving Orange Retirement Money (yeah, whatever) in her jeans?  Because...

2.  We all know that if the sexes were reversed in this ad, it would not end with the guy simply slinking away.  We'd probably see him doing something to make up for the fact that he dared suggest for even one moment that his wife was the one who was careless with money.  Come on, what were you thinking, Doofus Hubby? Everyone knows she's the brains holding this family's financial future together!

3.  Anyone else think that the whole "Orange Money" thing is really, really stupid?  Ok, so there's money they are spending, and money they are saving.  When it's in cash form, it's just money.  When it's time to buy the groceries, what happens if all you've got in your pocket is Orange money?  Do you put them back on the shelf?  No? Then shut up with the Orange Money crap.

Actually, knowing the words to this song is grounds for divorce in most countries

1.  Why did two twentysomethings pick one of the most blatantly twee songs of the 1980s as "their song?"  Seriously, this is one of those ear-bleeders that had anyone with taste frantically twisting the dial of their Sony Walkman the moment the first chords made it identifiable.  "Our song?"  Ugh.

2.  Moron doofus thoughtless choad sharing a romantic moment with his two best friends- his girl and his phone.  Check.  Seriously, what kind of douchenozzle can't put his f---ing phone in his pocket during a dance?  It's called addiction, buddy.  Get help for it.

3.  Girlfriend asked boyfriend if he remembered this was their song- she didn't ask him to sing it, and once he starts to, we can certainly understand why.  I guess that's part of the joke- hey look people, not only is this guy thoughtless (can't remember* he and his girl have a song) and rude (holds his phone in his hand during a dance) but he has the worst singing voice since that guy screeching "This Magic Moment" in that Google ad.  Wow, what a great catch, lady.

*Or maybe he's just trying to forget that his girlfriend picked out this truly atrocious, cloying lump of decaying gush which really should have been left in the dumpster thirty years ago.