Thanks, Doctor Obvious

Personally, whenever I go to the dentist, by the time the ordeal is over I'm just glad to get the hell out of the chair and be on my way.  People in these ads always look so damned delighted to be there and so interested in their freaking teeth, I wonder if my dentist skimps on the happy gas.

As for this bubbly airhead--

"My teeth feel so good after a cleaning!  I wish there was some way I could make them feel like this all the time!"

"Well, I suggest you brush twice a day and use this Crest rinse...."

"I brush my hair every morning, doctor!  Can't you see the shine?"

"No, I mean your teeth.  You should brush your teeth twice a day with..."

"Brush my TEETH?  Seriously?  I don't think my brush would even FIT in there!"

"Um...no....you see, there are these special instruments called 'tooth brushes.'  You apply this minty cream to them and then you..."

"Brushes for teeth!? What a world we live in!  I'll give it a try...what's this rinse stuff you were talking about?"

"Never mind.  Let's start small."

You can't spell "Loser" without "Samsung"

If you are the narrator of this awful 60 seconds of brain-dead stupid, I know several things about you::

1.  You have way, way too much time on your hands.

2.  You have have a severe shortage of friends.  Go make some.  Because- well, see No. 1

3.  In case No. 1 and No. 2 aren't clear enough- seriously, get a freaking life.  There's more to it than this.

4.  You aren't from Cleveland.

Vonage joins in the fun of racist advertising. Aren't these people just adorable?

It's the same rule used by every radio advertisement- when you have very, very little to say, pretend it's very complicated and needs to be repeated over and over again.

The difference is this:  you can't picture the people mechanically repeating the name of the webpage over and over AND OVER on the radio- "what was that again? Findmoney.com?" "Yes, Findmoney.com.  That's Findmoney.com.  Findmoney.com" or making absolutely positively sure that everyone has that toll-free number burned into their brains.  On TV, we actually get to know and hate the douchenozzles who treat us like little children who need to have everything spelled out for them- over and over again, because Seriously We Really Didn't Get It The First Four Times.

In this ad, the delightfully ethnic tools won't be convinced that whatever deal Vonage is selling here covers both their home phone (seriously?  People still have home phones- with cords and everything?) and their cell phone (the phone they actually use in real life) until the hipster doofus who looks like he just crawled out of a dumpster or a 70s porno movie repeats assurances to every. Single. Person. who asks.

In real life, spokeschoad would just throw up his hands and say "oh to hell with you knobs, you are way too stupid to get what I'm saying."  I also kind of hope that in real life, there are plenty of Indian-Americans and Hispanic-Americans and African-Americans who are more than a little pissed at the condescending nature of an ad which features a white guy patiently explaining a very simple concept to non-whites who Can't Quite Seem To Grasp The Concept.

"Crazy Generous?" Gag.

Not the efficiency required to land the Glengarry Account. Alert Alec Baldwin!

Their clients "need a lot of attention" and "we're working deals all day," yet all five employees of this real estate agency decided to drop everything and spend the afternoon at the local AT&T store to negotiate a phone deal.  Yeah, that's practical.

BTW, are Real Estate Agents still easy "go-to's" when commercials want to stereotype zombie, fast-talking, money-obsessed habitual liars and cheats?  Actually, I'll buy that.  I've never met a Realtor who hadn't gone through a very obvious soul removal surgery.  I rented a basement apartment from one who objected to turning the heat on when it was more than 60 degrees outside and tried to withhold my security deposit because the rug got ruined by flooding caused by torrential rains (this was my fault, somehow.)  So yeah- realtors are scumbags.  I get it.  But they generally aren't time-wasters.  I just can't see the entire staff of CenturyGoToHell piling into the company SUV for a field trip to the AT&T store, sorry.

I still don't think that it takes five to work out a phone-sharing deal, though.  The woman who does all the talking looks perfectly capable of "closing" all by herself while the other four are back in the office fucking people out of their money, like a good Realtor should.

What did I say that sounded like "tell me about your medication, grampa?"

 

What is WITH this guy?  For absolutely no reason I can see, he suddenly launches into a monologue concerning the amazing Voyage of Discovery leading him to adding yet another very expensive, side effects-laden drug to his regular routine.  I don't see anyone ask him a question about his medication, or show any interest at all in his decision to add yet another set of chemicals to the pharmacy that is coursing through his veins in a sad attempt to keep his non-life going for a few more years.

I can only imagine that his long-suffering spouse gave a hopeless little sigh and eyeroll when her self-absorbed twat of a husband started his totally uncalled-for story with "...but I wondered: Could I Up My Game?"  Uh huh.  Know the difference between me and you, buddy?  I don't wonder out loud.

Apparently not getting that he's already broken the Shut Up Nobody Gives A Damn meter, he proceeds to read off his Not At All Personal He Doesn't Mind Sharing Hey Where Are You Going reasons for convincing his doctor to prescribe Eliquis in the clunkiest, most unconvincing manner possible:  "One.....Two.....Three......." Is Spouse supposed to be taking notes here?  Will there be a quiz later?

Mercifully, this guy has a son who convinces Dad to stop with the Commercial-within-a-Commercial and shoot hoops before mom totally loses it and runs off with the slightly less insane jagoff from the Crestor ad.

In another ad for the same product, a woman bleats pretty much the same speech, except her tagline is "Change my focus." Hmmm....not quite as effective as "Up my game," but we can't expect the people who write this crud to actually put thought into the stilted lines they have these "actors" bleat now, can we?

Of course, only women need it...

Maybe before the 21st century is out, we'll actually be treated to a commercial which recognizes that men vacuum, use paper towels, and change diapers too?  Maybe? Any chance at all?

Until that time, here's the Oreck Magnesium R2D2 Super-Amazing Magnum Force Infinite Suction More Bells and Whistles Than The Space Shuttle And More Aerodynamic Too Vacuum Cleaner.  It's just perfect for the Little Lady- switches from hardwood floors to rugs with just a push of her delicate little finger, and she can carry it upstairs to keep the upper floors of the House You Put Her In So It's The Least She Can Do just as clean as the lower ones.

And do it quickly, too- after all, there are those spills to be cleaned up, and those diapers to change.  Not to mention getting dinner on the table for the Man Who Made All This Possible.  If she doesn't do it, who will?

So guys?  Sure Christmas has passed, and so has Valentine's Day, but her birthday and that anniversary must be coming up somewhere down the road.  Chocolate Diamonds are nice and all, but nothing beats a sparkling clean cage--- errr, home--- for the little missus, right?

Make it extra special- stick a red bow on the thing before you give it to her.  She'll be even more grateful.

I'm sure UPS doesn't mind taking advantage of smug-for-no-reason jackanapes like this

Seriously, if you don't want to hunt down and kill every single one of these smarmy geeky "yay let's get rich doing absolutely nothing" rejects from the Clinton Era by the end of the ad, you are a far, far better person then I am.

"Start ups?"  Being organized in what looks like the top floor of an abandoned warehouse, complete with exactly one table, four twentysomething dreamers (dreaming of nothing but lots of money coming from no actual work,) four PCs and one dream?  A team of gushing, drooling dickwads who are about to discover that they really, really should have stayed in school where they might have learned that the Start Up Bubble burst more than a freaking decade ago?

Here's what would make this commercial reasonably entertaining:  If it turned out that it actually WAS taking place in 1998 and it was revealed that the SuperAwesomeStartUp being celebrated here was Boo.com.  Or it ended with a massive meteor crashing into the "office" and vaporizing this entire group.  Either way.