Because Being Common is for the Commoners

Know what matters?  That in this mass-produced, one-click, cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all world, which sometimes seems to be designed for the Great Unwashed Masses known as the Middle Class and Poor, if you have a lot of money you can still have a unique driving experience by purchasing an Audi.

So leave the dry spaghetti, Prego, frozen fish sticks, and (snigger) hand-held cell phones to the Not Nearly As Good As You mob.  You are way, way above that.  Get yourself a red Audi with this "communications" system you can activate with--errr, one click-- and let the world know who is really running this place.

Bite me, Audi. Bite me really, really hard.  This commercial is Exhibit A when the People's Courts are called and the guillotines are being mass-produced (there's that phrase again) by the people you can't be satisfied to simply ignore, but felt the need to sneer at with crud ads like this.  I'll bring an extra large basket for your swelled heads.  Dicktards.

Hotels.com solves a problem which has always been very common for me

I can't tell you how many times I've faced this dilemma which I'm sure is familiar to pretty much every guy out there- or, at least, every guy out there who even approaches me in the looks department (there have got to be some, right?)

I make eye contact with a hot girl at a bar.  Since I'm obviously about to strike up a conversation with the hot girl, and since she's obviously going to want me, the first thing that pops into my mind is "uh oh....where am I going to find a hotel to shag this girl in, at THIS hour, without reservations?"  I know what you're thinking- couldn't I just use my iPhone to scroll through choices while she's stroking my leg and begging me to take her out of there (which should be happening, oh, I don't know, five minutes after I've introduced my gorgeous and awesome self?)  Sure I could- but hey, I'm a gentleman.  I put my phone away when I'm seducing strange hot girls in bars.

Hotels.com is clearly made for guys like me- guys who need hotel rooms fast, at a moment's notice, because we are always having hot women flinging themselves at us wherever we go (I was going to say "when we least expect it," but we always expect it.)  Guys who know that their apartments aren't as clean as they could be, and are just too classy to bring a strange hot girl whose name we just learned to a rumpled bed and a sink of dirty dishes.  (To guys like us, nothing is too good for beautiful strangers we've just met in bars.  That's why we are called gentlemen.)  No way- girls I hook up with know they can expect only the best- Quality Inn, Best Western, Howard Johnson's- I know them all- as long as I can get a room, fast.  And now I know I can.

And BTW, quick tip for you guys out there who have lives just like me, or wish you did- the only thing women appreciate more than a guy who is ready to follow up a chance meeting with an evening in a hotel room is a good continental breakfast.  They especially love that make your own waffles deal.  Who wouldn't?

Everyone uses it. Only women clean it.

Continuing a current theme at this blog...

Anytime anyone wants to hunt down and eliminate the chirpy ditz who provides the narration for this awful Celebration of Mommy's Ability and Willingness to Clean Toilets, I'd be happy to provide the bus fare.

Meanwhile, can someone tell me why we've never seen a man use paper towels, Lysol, Clorox or Bounce Fabric Softening Sheets in any television commercial ever made, ever?  When will it be the 21st century on TV?  Somewhere around 2250 perhaps?

I could have gone my whole life without seeing this ad, and I wouldn't have felt deprived of anything at all

Old man- you're incontinent.  You use the toilet a lot.  We get it.  It's not funny.

Couch potato drunk- you're a drunk.  You use the toilet a lot.  We get it.  It's not funny.

Pregnant woman- you're pregnant (again.)  You use the toilet a lot.* We get it.  You can stop touching your stomach now.  You're pregnant.  Again.  WE GET IT.

Can Lysol make a bleach capable of removing this commercial from my brain now?

*She's relieved to hear the sound of the toilet flushing, because it means someone else is using the toilet and accidentally cleaning it at the same time.  This tells me two things:

First, the other adult or perhaps older children (who knows how many this woman popped out, she seems to think that reproducing and cleaning the toilet is what she was put on Earth to do) don't clean the toilet beyond flushing it and activating the Lysol thingee.  Why is that, stupid woman?  Oh, right- because you are the woman of the house, which means the dirty jobs are your jobs.

Second, this is either one very small house, or one very loud toilet.  I'm pretty sure I could not live in a place where I heard the toilet flush every time it flushed.  I'd go insane.  Come to think of it, I wonder how sane this depressingly fertile woman is.

If their lifestyles were anything like this before, they wouldn't need this stuff now

Keep your weight down.

Eat right.

Exercise.

And stop looking for youth in a tiny bottle, a pill, or (you've got to be kidding me) an underarm deodorant.  Man I am ashamed of my fellow males today.  What the hell is the matter with you idiots- thirty years of being a pathetic, KFC-and-Doritos-gorging couch potato finally catching up to you?

Want to live forever?  Not going to happen. Want to feel young longer? Take care of yourself, and stop asking your doctor for a prescription to fix the problems you created yourself over the last several decades.

By the way- all you losers in this ad?  I don't care how you think you feel- you still LOOK old.  Sucks to be you.

Oh just bite me, AT&T

1. If it's so important to keep that baby from waking up, why did these idiots pick NOW to walk into an AT&T store and try to find a decent data plan?

2.  Is it really society's job to condescend and compensate for this stupid decision?  In other words, does everyone in this freaking store have to be oh so quiet because the moron parents brought their pwecious wittle bundle in with them?  Well, sorry, no.  Your sleeping little mammal is YOUR problem, breeders.  Don't even TRY to make it mine.  Seriously, that "SHHHHH!!" in response to "can I help you?" REALLY ticked me off.  You are in a store, people.  You walked in on your own accord.  Now the planet has to be quiet because your kid is sleeping? Who the hell do you think you are?  WHY ARE YOU HERE?

3.  Why do they even NEED a data plan with 10 gigs "to share?"  How much time is that baby going to spend on a freaking cell phone?  (Oh who am I kidding- that kid will be downloading before it learns how to talk.)

Oh, and two more thoughts-

1.  One day I woke up and found myself living in a world where $160 a month for phone service seemed like an amazingly good deal.  I wish I could get back to sleep.

2.  The guy is carrying the baby.  Why is the woman bouncing along with him?  Does she think that helps in any way at all?

Another Awful Subaru Ad

Ugh, come on.

Subaru has been making a determined effort to convince us that their cars aren't just cars but part of the freaking poetry of our lives for quite some time now.  The guy with the cheesy perm and faraway gaze in his eyes who pollutes this minute-plus bucket of pond scum is just another example of Subaru's apparently endless parade of mopey minions who credit their car with making their lives...well, with making their lives.

The worst part about these nuggets of nothingness is the conceit- we are really supposed to care about any of this?  Oh, and the fact that nothing ever happens in these ads which couldn't just as easily happen in any other model of car.

And the worst part about THIS particular commercial is the more-creepy-than-cutesy attempt by Perm Guy to snag a date with the woman who rear-ended him, and the fact that we are supposed to believe it worked.  I mean, come on.  Ick.