Happy International Workers Day!

The fortune teller in this ad sees "a lot of people losing their jobs" if Obama gets his "minimum wage hike."  I wonder if she predicted this every time a raise in the minimum wage has been discussed.  No, I doubt it- after all, considering that every minimum wage increase has lead to a rise in demand and corresponding drop in the Unemployment Rate, wouldn't those predictions have exposed her as a fraud and cost her her "business" by now?

Raising the minimum wage does not cost jobs.  Nor does it create inflation.  That's because the cost of labor is only one small part of the cost of doing business.  If you listen to Fox "News" or Sean Hannity, it's easy to get the impression that raising the wage of a burger-flipper at McDonalds from $6.75 to $10.50 per hour will force an end to the Dollar Menu, but it just ain't so.  Prices are set to Demand far more than to labor costs- and if you pay people more money, that creates more demand.  Maybe it becomes the $1.15 Menu.  Guess what?  If everyone making minimum wage gets a 30 percent raise, McDonalds will be selling a lot more items from that $1.25 menu than they are selling from the Dollar Menu.  This is not rocket science.

But it does require that we set aside the sad, ahistorical conceit that businesses always pay people exactly what they are worth, and that increased productivity will result in increased pay.  Two problems with this.  First, there is exactly as much evidence that it's true as there is that raising the minimum wage results in higher unemployment rates.  In fact, the opposite is true- the productivity of the American worker has increased dramatically over the past thirty years, while wages have remained stagnant (and profits have skyrocketed.)

Second, we are never told exactly WHY any business would raise wages unless it's forced to- especially during a prolonged period of high unemployment.  Out of the goodness of their hearts (they are people, after all?)

And no, I'm not even going to touch on the fortune teller's "remember I told you about the Health Care website?" snark.  That's just Rich Americans Determined To Use Your Ignorance Against You's cheap throw-away add-on line.  Heck, they have to get their money's worth for this crud, right?

So anyway- Happy May 1 for all of my fellow laborers out there, including those who actually buy messages like the one pimped in this ad and wonder how they could do Just A Little More to coax a few extra crumbs from the boss's table.   Special shout out to you guys, though I know you've been too brainwashed by the Right to get it:  It's not you.  You are working very, very hard for very little money not because of anything you failed to do, but because you are working for a race of cold-blooded lizards from another galaxy disguised as humans who are devoted to the goal of draining every ounce of life out of you for their own benefit.  You aren't lazy, and you aren't stupid.  You just got the bad end of a very raw deal.  You work, you suffer, you struggle to make ends meet- and they get rich off your sweat.

It has always been thus- but that doesn't mean it will always BE thus.  Let's lift our beers and toast the promise of the new day coming- the day when every laborer receives a fair share of the wealth his labor creates, not as a gift, but as a right.   May we all live to see it.

Buick asks us to imagine a world....

...in which people have a set idea of "what a Buick looks like," and the NEW Buick "shatters" their expectations of "what a Buick looks like."

I'm here to clue you in, Buick.  Nobody knows what a Buick is "supposed" to look like.  That's because nobody cares.  And nobody cares that you are desperately trying to grab our attention by putting out a series of cars that look like pretty much every other car out there.

"That doesn't LOOK like a Buick?"  Uh-huh.  Nice try.  If it makes you feel any better, Buick, people aren't stunned at the idea that KIAs have four doors, either.  The only thing that stuns us about KIAs is when we see models more than two years old still on the road.

Cheerios- never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity

I hear conversations like this between "parents" and their children all the time- kids asking questions, "parents" going out of their way to not answer them in a way which might make their kids just a little smarter.  The kid in this commercial is not being especially annoying- he's not bleating "can I have it can I have it" or "whats that" or throwing a tantrum or anything.  He's asking his father why he is picking a particular cereal.

Hey, dad- that really, really loud knock you are hearing?  That's opportunity.  Here's a chance to share.  Here's a chance to give your kid some information.  Some of us call these Teachable Moments.   I'm not a parent, but I was a kid, and I know these Moments come up only about 4000 times a day.  And from my experience out in the public, I also know that they are ignored about 3999 times a day.  You seem pretty determined to avoid doing anything to help your kid understand why you are buying that Cheerios.  I wonder why.

Instead, you respond with half-sentences delivered in a monotone which sounds like nothing more than "stop talking to me."  "Why did you buy that?"  "It's my cereal."  "Is there a prize?"  "Yes."  "Is it a dinosaur?"  "No."  It's like you are allergic to the idea of providing information to your kids.

And this is something else I witness a lot - parents who instead of answering questions insist on having the questions asked again and again AND AGAIN until everyone within twenty yards is grinding their teeth wishing they could work up the guts to answer for them.

I heard this question at my local Shoppers Food Warehouse just TODAY:

"Why do we need to buy bread"
Parent:  No Response.
"Why do we need to buy bread"
Parent:  No Response
"Why are we buyin' bread?"
Parent:  No Response
"Why are we buyin' bread?"
Parent:  "To make sandwiches for your lunch."
"Oh ok."

(Seriously, do you morons think we are in love with your kid's voices, or what?)

Ok, back to this commercial.  Instead of the cryptic smarmy "there's a prize all right," how about talking to this kid about how some foods are healthy and make us feel better and live longer, happier lives?  You know, instead of this non-informative crap about prizes?  I mean, anytime you want to start actually RAISING that kid instead of just making sure he doesn't play in traffic until he's 18 and can kicked to the curb would be fine with us.  Moron.

Oh, and by the way- when there's someone behind you in line, scan your own goddamned groceries and don't let your kid do it, unless you are actually willing to show him how and not just to let him fail for ten minutes before you mutter something in disgust and do it yourself.   We have lives too you know.

Oh shut up, Martyr Mom

Here's some advice for this woman- when you nail yourself to that cross, bring a friend.  It's a pain in the butt to get that last spike in.

Seriously, lady.  You've got diabetes, but you've also got a husband and kids and a big house which means you are always on the go Doing Everything For Everyone Else so it's Really Hard to keep your blood sugar balance, blah blah blah.  So you guzzle these nasty milkshakes because you are just soooooo busy taking care of your family and keeping that house clean you selfless, forever sacrificing angel you.  Seriously, I can't believe two Saints are being added in Rome this week and we can't fit you in too.

Hey, look, stupid.  If you can't eat a balanced diet because you are married and have kids, you are doing a really crappy job organizing your life.  My mom had five kids and a job and she managed to feed herself- it wasn't that complicated, she was making food for her family anyway.  I think the idea here is that Joan of Arc is such a whirlwind of activity, packing lunches, playing chauffeur, and cleaning cleaning cleaning that she's basically decided that actually eating a balanced meal just doesn't fit into her schedule.  If that's true- lady, your schedule sucks.  You are doing it wrong.  And drinking Glucerna until you graduate to Ensure isn't anywhere close to the best solution.

I can't believe we are supposed to think this woman is even sensible, let alone worthy of admiration.  You are being a idiot, mom.  Get some rest.  Get some exercise that doesn't involve changing a diaper or packing a lunch.  Eat three decent, balanced meals a day.  This frentic "I can't stop and breathe 'cause I'm a MOMMMMMYYY so I must live on an expensive version of Slim Fast" is just insulting.

Anyone in Advertising ever exercise, ever?

Because after a brutally hard workout, what's better than a big bowl of cold strawberries topped with Reddi Whip?

Pretty much anything, actually.

Unless, of course, you like to wrap up a good round of exercise with nasty stomach cramps.

Hey, desk jockeys of the advertising world:  Here are some good ideas for after-workout consumption:  Water.  Gatorade.  Powerade.  Pasta.  Potatoes. Cold fruit and fake whipped cream? Ehhhhh....not so much.

Typically nice house, though.  Everyone in every commercial lives in a nice house.  In this case, I guess that's the compensation for really bad intestinal pain.

At the moment, I don't feel like a priority, USPS

I've trashed the US Postal Service on more than one occasion through this blog.  It usually involves my annoyance at the dwindling number of boxes available in the neighborhood and the habit the local post office has of delivering mail every other day or so, and pretty much never on Saturdays (when I heard that the post office was going to cancel Saturday mail delivery, I had to remind myself that such a thing still existed.  The good people of Takoma Park Maryland will not miss Saturday mail delivery because it's been basically non- existent for years.

Here's my latest rant, triggered by this commercial which tells me that I am a priority of the United States Postal Service.  On Thursday April 10 I flew to Vermont for spring break.  Before leaving, I arranged to have my mail held by that wonderful US Postal Service which considers my convenience a priority.  I checked the box which stipulated that mail delivery would be resumed on Monday April 21, and all held mail would be delivered on that date.

Here's the confirmation I received from USPS:

Your hold mail request April 14 - April 21, 2014

You have requested Hold Mail Service for 04/14/2014. Keep your confirmation number handy in case you need to edit or cancel this request. If your mail is currently being held, it can not be cancelled. But you can still change the end date.

Ok, so I had a great time in Vermont and got back on Sunday.  USPS let me know they hadn't forgotten about me, because I had this notice in my email box (the only mail box USPS currently seems to recognize:)

The last day for your hold mail request is April 20, 2014 .

Your Hold Mail Service for April 14 - April 21, 2014 is ending. We'll be resuming your regular mail delivery on 04/21/2014. Remember to pick up your held mail at the Post Office® if you're not having it delivered to your address.

Can you guess what the problem is?  You got it- it's Wednesday afternoon, April 23, and I have yet to receive my accumulated mail- or any mail, period.   Hmm.....acknowledgement of hold request.  Notification of resumption of mail delivery.  Everything working fine....except.....resumption of mail delivery.

Thanks, USPS.  It's great to know I'm a priority.  Maybe you could let the people at the Takoma Park Maryland post office know.  They haven't got the memo.  Maybe you sent it USPS?

I wonder what the "Certificate of Authenticity" says

I heard this commercial on the radio this morning, and really hoped I could find a television version.  Imagine my delight to discover EXACTLY the same commercial in video form on YouTube.

Ok, there's not a whole lot going on in my life right now.  Sue me.

Anyway, I can imagine that these "Angel Coins" are big sellers in places like Kentucky, Tennessee, Oklahoma, Kansas- you know, the "Bible Belt."  Where people are long on faith and very, very short on brains and common sense.  I'm not talking about the entire populations of these states, mind you- there are plenty of naive, superstitious idiots in my old neighborhood, too- but silly people with notions of guardian angels and magic coins and amulets and charms and lucky numbers and such do seem to congregate in such places.  These people always seem to be worried about money unless there are Stormin Norman Commemorative Plates or Seal Team Six Commemorative Coins or Remember 9/11 Medallions or Tributes To A Coin That Was Worth Something in 1883 Clad With A Tiny Bit of Actual Silver being sold on late-night tv shows.  Then they seem to go a little nuts, because after all- these things might be worth something someday- right?

I don't know if the story this commercial starts with is true or not- nor do I really care.  So a prisoner of the Committee on Security prayed to a piece of money (good as any deity, I guess) and then he was spared execution- so what? What if he had used that money to bribe the jailer to set him free-would that have made the "Angel Coin" even more magical?

And besides, the coin this guy inexplicably decided to pray to isn't being offered for sale here- just a copy.  An alleged copy at that- how do the sellers even know what the original coin looked like?  Why would a copy carry the "powers" of the original "Angel Coin," even if I could be convinced that the original had any power at all?

Oh well, I guess it doesn't really matter, since I'm not the target audience here- I'm not an uneducated, middle-aged rube who thinks that the universe (and the everyday life of individuals) is being governed by invisible spirits who live in bits of metal.   But cheer up, suckers- if I'm wrong, you'll get the last laugh during the next revolution, when I'm beheaded and you get away unharmed because you locked in your Dazzling One Ounce Historic Surprisingly Affordable Low Price Angel Coins minted in London, England (as opposed to London, Ontario I guess) and I was being a snarky non-believer.