Please, just kill me now

If I had died yesterday, I would have been spared this commercial.

Why, god, Why?

As in, "why are these people watching some stupid, brain-dead yak show during breakfast?"

As in, "do the makers of shredded wheat understand the elderly at all? If so, why are they depicting them eating breakfast in the middle of the morning, instead of the break of dawn?"  Everyone knows that people this woman's age eat breakfast at 6, lunch at 11 and dinner at 4, and are under the covers by 7, tops.

As in, "who on Earth thought it would be fun and a great idea to inflict upon the viewing audience the concept that this woman wants so badly to engage in sexual activity that she's extra-eager to shove shredded wheat down her gullet?"  What is she trying to accomplish here?  If her sex drive is about to experience an upturn anyway, why does she need shredded wheat?

And by the way, who the hell is in the audience of this talk show, hooting and hollering at the idea of seniors having sex?  Where do they find these people?

And when you've finished off your Wendy's Monsterburger, here's a desert idea....

This woman's desperate attempt to be for Dairy Queen what that bubbly redhead is for Wendy's is one, big colossal fail.  She approaches that other idiot in being an over-the-top annoying jagoff we'd like to bludgeon to death with a rubber sledgehammer, but that's about it.

Oh, and cake and ice cream in a waffle cone-- sounds good, but like the Wendy's girl, isn't she just being part of the problem here?

Happy International Workers Day!

The fortune teller in this ad sees "a lot of people losing their jobs" if Obama gets his "minimum wage hike."  I wonder if she predicted this every time a raise in the minimum wage has been discussed.  No, I doubt it- after all, considering that every minimum wage increase has lead to a rise in demand and corresponding drop in the Unemployment Rate, wouldn't those predictions have exposed her as a fraud and cost her her "business" by now?

Raising the minimum wage does not cost jobs.  Nor does it create inflation.  That's because the cost of labor is only one small part of the cost of doing business.  If you listen to Fox "News" or Sean Hannity, it's easy to get the impression that raising the wage of a burger-flipper at McDonalds from $6.75 to $10.50 per hour will force an end to the Dollar Menu, but it just ain't so.  Prices are set to Demand far more than to labor costs- and if you pay people more money, that creates more demand.  Maybe it becomes the $1.15 Menu.  Guess what?  If everyone making minimum wage gets a 30 percent raise, McDonalds will be selling a lot more items from that $1.25 menu than they are selling from the Dollar Menu.  This is not rocket science.

But it does require that we set aside the sad, ahistorical conceit that businesses always pay people exactly what they are worth, and that increased productivity will result in increased pay.  Two problems with this.  First, there is exactly as much evidence that it's true as there is that raising the minimum wage results in higher unemployment rates.  In fact, the opposite is true- the productivity of the American worker has increased dramatically over the past thirty years, while wages have remained stagnant (and profits have skyrocketed.)

Second, we are never told exactly WHY any business would raise wages unless it's forced to- especially during a prolonged period of high unemployment.  Out of the goodness of their hearts (they are people, after all?)

And no, I'm not even going to touch on the fortune teller's "remember I told you about the Health Care website?" snark.  That's just Rich Americans Determined To Use Your Ignorance Against You's cheap throw-away add-on line.  Heck, they have to get their money's worth for this crud, right?

So anyway- Happy May 1 for all of my fellow laborers out there, including those who actually buy messages like the one pimped in this ad and wonder how they could do Just A Little More to coax a few extra crumbs from the boss's table.   Special shout out to you guys, though I know you've been too brainwashed by the Right to get it:  It's not you.  You are working very, very hard for very little money not because of anything you failed to do, but because you are working for a race of cold-blooded lizards from another galaxy disguised as humans who are devoted to the goal of draining every ounce of life out of you for their own benefit.  You aren't lazy, and you aren't stupid.  You just got the bad end of a very raw deal.  You work, you suffer, you struggle to make ends meet- and they get rich off your sweat.

It has always been thus- but that doesn't mean it will always BE thus.  Let's lift our beers and toast the promise of the new day coming- the day when every laborer receives a fair share of the wealth his labor creates, not as a gift, but as a right.   May we all live to see it.

Buick asks us to imagine a world....

...in which people have a set idea of "what a Buick looks like," and the NEW Buick "shatters" their expectations of "what a Buick looks like."

I'm here to clue you in, Buick.  Nobody knows what a Buick is "supposed" to look like.  That's because nobody cares.  And nobody cares that you are desperately trying to grab our attention by putting out a series of cars that look like pretty much every other car out there.

"That doesn't LOOK like a Buick?"  Uh-huh.  Nice try.  If it makes you feel any better, Buick, people aren't stunned at the idea that KIAs have four doors, either.  The only thing that stuns us about KIAs is when we see models more than two years old still on the road.

Cheerios- never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity

I hear conversations like this between "parents" and their children all the time- kids asking questions, "parents" going out of their way to not answer them in a way which might make their kids just a little smarter.  The kid in this commercial is not being especially annoying- he's not bleating "can I have it can I have it" or "whats that" or throwing a tantrum or anything.  He's asking his father why he is picking a particular cereal.

Hey, dad- that really, really loud knock you are hearing?  That's opportunity.  Here's a chance to share.  Here's a chance to give your kid some information.  Some of us call these Teachable Moments.   I'm not a parent, but I was a kid, and I know these Moments come up only about 4000 times a day.  And from my experience out in the public, I also know that they are ignored about 3999 times a day.  You seem pretty determined to avoid doing anything to help your kid understand why you are buying that Cheerios.  I wonder why.

Instead, you respond with half-sentences delivered in a monotone which sounds like nothing more than "stop talking to me."  "Why did you buy that?"  "It's my cereal."  "Is there a prize?"  "Yes."  "Is it a dinosaur?"  "No."  It's like you are allergic to the idea of providing information to your kids.

And this is something else I witness a lot - parents who instead of answering questions insist on having the questions asked again and again AND AGAIN until everyone within twenty yards is grinding their teeth wishing they could work up the guts to answer for them.

I heard this question at my local Shoppers Food Warehouse just TODAY:

"Why do we need to buy bread"
Parent:  No Response.
"Why do we need to buy bread"
Parent:  No Response
"Why are we buyin' bread?"
Parent:  No Response
"Why are we buyin' bread?"
Parent:  "To make sandwiches for your lunch."
"Oh ok."

(Seriously, do you morons think we are in love with your kid's voices, or what?)

Ok, back to this commercial.  Instead of the cryptic smarmy "there's a prize all right," how about talking to this kid about how some foods are healthy and make us feel better and live longer, happier lives?  You know, instead of this non-informative crap about prizes?  I mean, anytime you want to start actually RAISING that kid instead of just making sure he doesn't play in traffic until he's 18 and can kicked to the curb would be fine with us.  Moron.

Oh, and by the way- when there's someone behind you in line, scan your own goddamned groceries and don't let your kid do it, unless you are actually willing to show him how and not just to let him fail for ten minutes before you mutter something in disgust and do it yourself.   We have lives too you know.

Oh shut up, Martyr Mom

Here's some advice for this woman- when you nail yourself to that cross, bring a friend.  It's a pain in the butt to get that last spike in.

Seriously, lady.  You've got diabetes, but you've also got a husband and kids and a big house which means you are always on the go Doing Everything For Everyone Else so it's Really Hard to keep your blood sugar balance, blah blah blah.  So you guzzle these nasty milkshakes because you are just soooooo busy taking care of your family and keeping that house clean you selfless, forever sacrificing angel you.  Seriously, I can't believe two Saints are being added in Rome this week and we can't fit you in too.

Hey, look, stupid.  If you can't eat a balanced diet because you are married and have kids, you are doing a really crappy job organizing your life.  My mom had five kids and a job and she managed to feed herself- it wasn't that complicated, she was making food for her family anyway.  I think the idea here is that Joan of Arc is such a whirlwind of activity, packing lunches, playing chauffeur, and cleaning cleaning cleaning that she's basically decided that actually eating a balanced meal just doesn't fit into her schedule.  If that's true- lady, your schedule sucks.  You are doing it wrong.  And drinking Glucerna until you graduate to Ensure isn't anywhere close to the best solution.

I can't believe we are supposed to think this woman is even sensible, let alone worthy of admiration.  You are being a idiot, mom.  Get some rest.  Get some exercise that doesn't involve changing a diaper or packing a lunch.  Eat three decent, balanced meals a day.  This frentic "I can't stop and breathe 'cause I'm a MOMMMMMYYY so I must live on an expensive version of Slim Fast" is just insulting.

Anyone in Advertising ever exercise, ever?

Because after a brutally hard workout, what's better than a big bowl of cold strawberries topped with Reddi Whip?

Pretty much anything, actually.

Unless, of course, you like to wrap up a good round of exercise with nasty stomach cramps.

Hey, desk jockeys of the advertising world:  Here are some good ideas for after-workout consumption:  Water.  Gatorade.  Powerade.  Pasta.  Potatoes. Cold fruit and fake whipped cream? Ehhhhh....not so much.

Typically nice house, though.  Everyone in every commercial lives in a nice house.  In this case, I guess that's the compensation for really bad intestinal pain.