Hey, Cool Moms? Your lives are really, really sad

Wow.  Just....wow.

These women are so pathetic, so sad, I would feel bad snarking on them if they were real and not just actresses.  So instead I'll just shake my head at the knowledge that there really are women out there whose self-image and reason for being revolves around looking "cool" for their kids.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again- I can't help wondering if such women ever wanted more out of life than to pop out kids and clean up after them and hand them juice boxes until they moved out of the house.  Sponge-brained, witless, ambition-less handmaidens for the Men Who Bought Them The House and the Kids Who Were Part of the Deal.  Ugh.

OH BS, Choice Hotels! I TOTALLY call BS!

Ok, a few points of full disclosure.  First, I don't run marathons.  But I have friends and relatives who have, and I've been there to support them, so I think I can speak to this ad.

Second, while I don't run marathons, I do walk them.  I've walked more than twenty miles at a stretch on more than thirty occasions over the past year, and a few weeks ago I hit 35 miles in a little over 9 hours.  I have a pretty good idea what it feels like to cover a long distance on one's feet over the course of a single day.

So, Choice Hotels?  Don't try to tell me that the woman who crosses the finish line at the end of this ad just ran 26.2 miles, ok? Jesus, she's not straining, she doesn't look the slightest bit dehydrated, she's not breaking a sweat- hell, she isn't even BREATHING heavy!  Cut the freaking crap, ok?

Next time you want to make an ad like this, at least make the woman look like she's actually done something more strenuous than watch an episode of Breaking Bad on her Kindle Fire, ok?  Because this-- this doesn't work.  At ALL.

Wow, finally something for the terminally klutzy among us!

Ok, I can't really say anything too snarky about this commercial, because it kind of cute and if the product works at all as-advertised, it's probably a pretty useful thing to have around if you are one of those people who insisted on producing copies of yourself who tend to run around spilling liquids out of ordinary Not-Wow cups.

Still, I would have appreciated a "Do Not Attempt" disclaimer with the scene featuring the Wow Cup being shaken over "this expensive laptop."  Because really, you don't want to be doing that, and you don't want to try doing that just because The Commercial Told You You Could.*  I mean, show a little common sense, ok?

I'm also glad that this ad generally sticks to showing kids using the Advanced Sippy Cup.  Maybe a more recent Wow Cup commercial shows idiot adults sparing their expensive electronics and furniture by using it, but this one is reasonable because we all know that the only thing kids love more than drinking is spilling.  Not quite sure why that one kid needs to be guzzling liquids while sitting in church with his mom, though- does he have some form of terminal dry throat, or what?

*We are twice told that this cup is great for Flying Through Space.  Well, that's nice, and I'd totally encourage any kid to give it a shot.  I'd like a physicist to tell me if the liquid would actually spill from an ordinary cup in space, though.  On second thought, no I wouldn't.

My Life, if you can call it that

Somewhere along the line, this douchenozzle got the idea that His Life should be devoted to being able to capture everyone else's life on his phone.

Now that he has a waterproof Samsung S5 or whatever the hell version is the Must Have Phone This Month, he can whip out his best friend and take pictures and video of total strangers actually doing things which, what do you know, don't actually involve using phones.  We aren't shown what he plans to do with all these photos and videos of total strangers (though we can guess it involves something to do with "sharing") and we really don't care.  We are way too busy wanting to punch that Smug For Absolutely No Reason At All look off his stupid face to ponder stuff like that.

How to really show "appreciation" for those who serve

Quick hint: It's not by exploiting them by broadcasting manipulative images of returning service members being reunited with their kids, moments which you'd think would be considered too private and personal to be placed in an advertisement- or at least, you'd think that if you hadn't turned on a tv at any time over the last thirty years.

Nor is it by allowing them to board planes before everyone else (seriously, I've never understood the advantage.  Why would anyone want to board a plane first?  All that means is that you get to sit in a cramped metal coffin breathing recirculated air longer.  How about letting them OFF first?  I've never seen this offered.)

I can think of three much better ways to show appreciation for our service men and women during "Service Appreciation Month" (gag, come on.  EVERY MONTH SHOULD BE SERVICE APPRECIATION MONTH YOU JAGOFFS.)

First, well, reread the opening paragraph of this post.  Stop using them to sell your crappy products, you cold-blooded, hypocritical, money-grubbing scum-sucking maggots.

Second, fund and operate the VA properly.  The treatment we give our wounded warriors is just short of scandalous- and I'm not just talking about those who return with broken or missing limbs or other traumatic physical damage.  We've done a great job denying the psychological damage caused by warfare in order to squeeze a nickle a little tighter.  If we really give a damn, this will stop.  Support the troops?  Fuck the deal on a new Chevy.  Heal them.

Third, let's stop putting men and women in harm's way at the drop of a hat, as a first resort, Just Because We Can.  We spent forty years throwing American blood and treasure all over the planet to protect the god-given right of US Corporations to sell soda and salty snacks in Asia, and we've spent the past thirty tossing our boys and girls into the meat grinder to keep our sacred high living standard supported with cheap oil (and not, say, reasonable tax rates for the rich.)  How about we show our support for Our Troops by, I don't know, just BRINGING THEM THE FUCK HOME and letting someone else be the Big Brother/Policeman of the world for a century or so?  Just a thought.

Thanks to Taco Bell, I don't think we really have to worry about the next generation

Just because we are the Fattest Nation on Earth doesn't mean that we should take that status for granted and stop looking for new ways to kill ourselves with food, right?

The old guys in this ad are concerned with a "slippery slope," but their priorities are really messed up.  Personally, the "slippery slope" I see coming from consuming sausage, eggs and maple syrup wrapped in waffles is sweating, shortness of breath, high blood pressure, obesity, heart disease, and death.  These guys are worried about- pony tails?  Really?

What do you call the Brady Bunch in a Blender? A good start?

Not only will I not see this film, but I'm pretty sure I'll make an active effort to avoid any theater showing it.  Or the block that theater is on.  Or the town.  Or the county.  Hell, I think I'll just leave the country during it's run.

As near as I can tell, it stars Aging Before She Ever Really Got A Chance To Be Meg Ryan "comedienne" Drew Barrymore (who at least isn't playing Barely Out of High School love interests anymore) and "comedian" Still Stuck in the Happy Gilmore Phase of His Career Adam Sandler (remember when you thought he was kind of amusing on SNL?)  As near as I can tell, they have one total fail disgusting date in which things Not Funny To Anyone Over The Age Of Eight (yep, it's an Adam Sandler vehicle all right) happen.  And as near as I can tell, this leads to a Comedy of Errors which, like the Shakespeare play, isn't even remotely funny.

Oh, and there's a trip to Africa thrown in so we can do the whole "Time Share" joke and throw in a little blatant racism too, because who doesn't think blatant racism is funny?

Along the way we are going to get a lot of Sassy Smart-ass kids jokes, a lot of fart jokes, a lot of belching, some vomiting, and a general buffet of toilet humor.  And when it's all over, Sandler's character and Barrymore's character will realize that They Belong Together.  How do I know this?  No, not from the trailer, which is helpful enough to guide us through the plot twists (otherwise known as the times the screen writer found himself in a corner and decided to start all over again- but keep the previously written scenes intact) pretty much through to the end.  I know this because I wasn't born yesterday, and I know a Formula when I see one.   Anyone who doesn't know EXACTLY how this crud is going to wrap up inherited the scarecrow's brain of oatmeal and needles.

Oh, and we can also assume that this film will make roughly twice it's budget, 90 percent of which covers the salaries of it's- ahem- "stars."  Just enough to assure a sequel, god help us all.   Not that the lack of a sequel would be much of a comfort- we are certain to see another 100 or so films with the exact same story line regardless of whether its title includes a Roman Numeral.