I'm J-O-H-N and your commercial gives me a H-E-A-D-A-C-H-E

Here you are, ladies and gentlemen- the laziest, most condescendingly insulting commercial since the last time someone tried to sell us a cell phone or cable service.

Seriously, I'm sorry the K-N-O-B who wrote this lump of C-R-U-D is so L-A-M-E, but I'll be even sorrier if he doesn't soon himself on the unemployment L-I-N-E.  After all, SOMEONE needs to pay for making me really, really hate the jackasses who appear in this steaming pile of D-U-N-G.

I"m assuming that all of these idiots are Libertarians?

I mean, what kind of Live Free or Die jagoff carries his pathetic "No gummint gonna tell me what I'm gonna do with my own skull" philosophy as far as refusing to wear a seat belt?

There's a very good reason for seat belt laws, none of which have anything to do with the Big Bad Nanny Government wanting to deprive you of your god-given right to be a clueless jackass.  You see, there's this annoying thing called Car Insurance that state laws require to buy so when you slam into someone while scrolling baseball scores on your smartphone instead of watching the damn road the medical bills which result won't be the responsibility of the person you hit.  And if we are all wearing seat belts, the chances are really good that the bill will be a lot lower than if we got tossed around (or out) of the vehicle upon impact.

It's not rocket science.  But if you are still wedded to your "principles" which require to you repeatedly threaten to have your nose shaved off by your steering wheel to spite your face, Man Up and just pay the fines.  Thoreau spent the night in jail rather than compromise HIS principles.  What's a hundred dollars or so compared to the satisfaction of knowing you didn't let the Big Bad Government Push You Around?

And when you are eating your meals out of a straw from your wheelchair because instead of a mild case of strap burn and a neck sprain you cracked your skull open on the dashboard while the steering column was severing your spine, don't ask your insurance company to pay out.  That's what a wuss would do.  You aren't a wuss- you proved that by refusing to wear a seat belt, remember?

I just don't get this Altima Ad at all

What exactly is it about this car that the rubes taking the test drive find so amazing?  All we see it do is drive fast around a track after being disguised as a race car.  Why do I get the strong suspicion that these tools just got taken in by the bunting and the race track and the helmets and somehow conned themselves into believing that they were experiencing something extraordinary?

And then, when it was revealed to them that they were shrieking and getting off on riding around in a freaking Nissan, instead of just admitting that they were fooled, decided to cover up by pretending that this was some kind of super awesome amazing experience OMIGOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS AWESOME CAR IS A NISSAN NO SHIT THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN?

I mean, come on.  It's a freaking Nissan.  You people are easily fooled, and you got carried away by the shiny crap.  Own it.  Suckers.

"God's Not Dead"- and neither are blatant straw men, or bad movies

I'm not going to do a review for this sad pile of muck calling itself a film- that's been done, and very well, by others already.  I'll just point out a few things that really ticked me off about this junk, which I was forced to watch by a "friend" the other night-

1.  Kevin Sorbo's philosophy professor character starts off by demanding that his class write "God Is Dead' on a piece of paper as a prerequisite to a passing grade.  I don't care what school this is supposed to be- in the real world* this gets you canned, fast.  Plus, only ONE kid in what looks to be a class of at least twenty refuses to instantly obey the teacher's commands.  Come on- I get that the producers are trying to convince us that America is filled with Basically Heathen Spoiled Rotten On Their Way To Hell Only Interested In Drugs And Sex Kids, but in real life the population of that class would consist of

.....Other Christians as shocked and defiant as the star,

.....Jews and Muslims equally horrified at the command and determined not to obey, and

.....Students who realize that they didn't shell out thousands of dollars in tuition to be told what to believe by a philosophy professor (seriously, what does this have to do with philosophy?)  In six years of Undergraduate and Graduate study in private and state Universities, I've never met a student who would  write "God is Dead" just because a teacher told him to.  Personally, I'd protest, and if that failed to achieve the desired result, I'd be having a discussion with the Dean of Students within the hour.  I mean, come on.

2.  Kevin Sorbo's character seems perfectly willing to toss out the class curriculum in order to challenge the One Brave Christian Student's belief in God.  At this point, if I hadn't already asked Sorbo to sign my Drop Sheet, I'd be doing that now.  Remember that stuff about not paying thousands of dollars to be told what to believe?  I'm also not paying thousands of dollars to watch an alleged university professor debate the existence of God with one kid instead of, oh, I don't know, TEACHING THE FREAKING CLASS.

3.  Instead of arguing the actual atheistic position on God- that "God exists" is a positive claim that is not supported by sufficient evidence- Sorbo's "Professor Radisson" repeatedly hides behind the Argument from Authority, ranting how unbelievable it is to him that a "mere Freshman" would question "great minds" like Stephen Hawking- if Hawking is an atheist, how could a Freshman argue for the existence of God?  I mean, come on- it's this pimply nobody v. Stephen Hawking!  Of course, this is shameless projection- it's actually Christians who commonly claim that arguing against the 1500-year old Bible- not to mention all these well-respected political leaders and scientists- is the height of absurdity (Albert Einstein believed in God, who are YOU to disagree?  You think you are smarter than Einstein?)

4.  In one of the most painfully insulting "debate" climaxes in cinematic history, Professor Raddison falls into the trap of admitting he DOES believe in God, because he blames God for letting his mother die of cancer. You know, WTF-ever, movie.  This guy is supposed to be a professor?  Professors generally don't get bent out of shape and flustered and raving during debates.  That's what Christians do when their belief system is threatened by science- not the other way around.

5.  I am not even going to get to the Duck Dynasty and some Christian rock band product placement.  My friend knows who these people are.  I don't- nor do I care.

*I'll wrap up by quoting an excellent review I read shortly after viewing this film- "God's Not Dead is a film by Christians which portrays the world Christians wish they lived in- a world in which they are a brave, downtrodden but not defeated minority, defending the One True Faith against the Atheistic Majority and their science-worshiping materialism.  Not the world they actually live in, which is dominated by people who think exactly the way they do, and it's the atheists who struggle to have their voice heard."   And by forgiving the person who made me watch this (next time, I get to pick the movie.  I still haven't seen Divergent.)

Hey, Cool Moms? Your lives are really, really sad

Wow.  Just....wow.

These women are so pathetic, so sad, I would feel bad snarking on them if they were real and not just actresses.  So instead I'll just shake my head at the knowledge that there really are women out there whose self-image and reason for being revolves around looking "cool" for their kids.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again- I can't help wondering if such women ever wanted more out of life than to pop out kids and clean up after them and hand them juice boxes until they moved out of the house.  Sponge-brained, witless, ambition-less handmaidens for the Men Who Bought Them The House and the Kids Who Were Part of the Deal.  Ugh.

OH BS, Choice Hotels! I TOTALLY call BS!

Ok, a few points of full disclosure.  First, I don't run marathons.  But I have friends and relatives who have, and I've been there to support them, so I think I can speak to this ad.

Second, while I don't run marathons, I do walk them.  I've walked more than twenty miles at a stretch on more than thirty occasions over the past year, and a few weeks ago I hit 35 miles in a little over 9 hours.  I have a pretty good idea what it feels like to cover a long distance on one's feet over the course of a single day.

So, Choice Hotels?  Don't try to tell me that the woman who crosses the finish line at the end of this ad just ran 26.2 miles, ok? Jesus, she's not straining, she doesn't look the slightest bit dehydrated, she's not breaking a sweat- hell, she isn't even BREATHING heavy!  Cut the freaking crap, ok?

Next time you want to make an ad like this, at least make the woman look like she's actually done something more strenuous than watch an episode of Breaking Bad on her Kindle Fire, ok?  Because this-- this doesn't work.  At ALL.

Wow, finally something for the terminally klutzy among us!

Ok, I can't really say anything too snarky about this commercial, because it kind of cute and if the product works at all as-advertised, it's probably a pretty useful thing to have around if you are one of those people who insisted on producing copies of yourself who tend to run around spilling liquids out of ordinary Not-Wow cups.

Still, I would have appreciated a "Do Not Attempt" disclaimer with the scene featuring the Wow Cup being shaken over "this expensive laptop."  Because really, you don't want to be doing that, and you don't want to try doing that just because The Commercial Told You You Could.*  I mean, show a little common sense, ok?

I'm also glad that this ad generally sticks to showing kids using the Advanced Sippy Cup.  Maybe a more recent Wow Cup commercial shows idiot adults sparing their expensive electronics and furniture by using it, but this one is reasonable because we all know that the only thing kids love more than drinking is spilling.  Not quite sure why that one kid needs to be guzzling liquids while sitting in church with his mom, though- does he have some form of terminal dry throat, or what?

*We are twice told that this cup is great for Flying Through Space.  Well, that's nice, and I'd totally encourage any kid to give it a shot.  I'd like a physicist to tell me if the liquid would actually spill from an ordinary cup in space, though.  On second thought, no I wouldn't.