We were going to add "Oh and thanks, Vets" but we ran out of time

Look, I'm hardly the mawkish, saccharine type who wears his sentimentalism  on his sleeve, but I do find it a little annoying that the only hint of an actual holiday in this ad is a little pinwheel inserted in the company logo.

On the other hand, I've never been able to listen to a lot of radio or watch a lot of TV during Memorial Day weekend, because the cheap treacle just flows too fast and too thick for me- the non-veteran sports and news commentators bleating "honor the fallen" and "support the troops" as if they are being paid by the mention, the phony jingoistic flag-worship, and all the rest which, let's just admit it, is seen by most people as a mild annoyance that barely interrupts the burger-flipping and potato-chip consuming that makes the "holiday" little more than a rehearsal of July 4th.

And what's with the cable movie channels every Memorial Day Weekend?   Every World War II film in the archives gets dragged out, every single year, to run in a ceaseless marathon of cinematic death and destruction.  Who got the idea that the best way to "honor the fallen" is to spend three days watching Hollywood storm beaches and blow up bridges?  The youngest WWII vets are approaching 90.  Is this fun for the veterans of Korea, Vietnam, etc?- "Hey guys, we are going to honor you by showing you movies about America's last real war that had an actual, honorable point to it?"  Or is it more "we really don't know how to honor those who served in war (clearly the only service that counts*) so here's John Wayne leading an army of actors up a fake hill on a lot behind the comedy store again?"  Somehow I find the Lowe's commercials- and the mattress commercials, the car commercials, the big-screen tv commercials, the cell phone commercials, etc.- more dignified than this.   At least they are more honest- "hey, it's a holiday- that means it's time to spend money again!  Why not do it here?"

*If we ever get an actual Liberal in the White House, I'd like that person to push for a national holiday celebrating service that does not involve shooting and getting shot at.  But if we must have two holidays per year devoted to our veterans, let's show our support with something other than 72-hour movie marathons and sales.  How about fully funding the VA and avoiding For-Profit conflicts?  That would be a nice start.

Just because this Passat commercial reminds me of a true story....

So about, oh, fifteen or twenty years ago I was getting ready to drive my little nephew from Vermont to visit his grandparents in Washington, DC.  That's a 9-hour drive, not including gas and bathroom breaks for those of you who are interested.

Very early in the morning of the big drive the kid is dropped off with a little suitcase.  His dad hands me a box of audio tapes.  "What's this?" I ask.  "It's his audio version of The Lord of the Rings- he loves listening to it, and it takes about ten hours to get through."

"Oh cool" I replied.  "Does he have enough batteries for his Walkman to last that long?"  And here comes the punchline.

"Oh, he doesn't have a Walkman.  Don't you have a tape player in the car?"

No kidding.  I was expected to listen to The Lord of the Rings on my car's stereo system.  For nine hours.  Seriously.

I had totally forgotten this story until I saw this ridiculous, obnoxious commercial.  Who the hell plans a road trip and then forces his companion to listen exclusively to one thing all the way?

BTW, considering that everyone except me has a Smartphone these days, isn't this kind of outdated anyway?  What stopped the guest from just whipping out his phone, a pair of ear buds, and living his own little world while the idiot, selfish asshat  driver learned Spanish?

Oh, and no- I don't really remember exactly how it worked out, but I didn't listen to one minute of  The Lord of the Rings during that drive.  Not. One. Minute.

Zombies and Cell Phones- Perfect Together

Personally, I'm amazed that it took so long for cell phone companies to use zombies in commercials for their brain cell-murdering, society-destroying, "luxury ten minutes ago now more important than air" little devices.  After all, if these things don't attract zombies, they certainly turn their users into them.

Ancestory.com- because no one wants to chat, no one wants to read your tweets, and G-d F-ing Forbid you just go offline for a bit.

"You don't have to know what you're looking for, you just have to start looking."*

Um, no, you don't.  You can get your fat butt out of that chair, smear some sunscreen on your face, and go outside.  Who knows what you'll find?  Fresh air.  Singing birds.  Kids playing.  A warm sun giving your skin a healthy glow.  Air that hasn't been filtered through an AC unit filling your lungs.  Maybe a neighbor who got the same inspiration to actually do something that didn't involve the internet- the neighbor you haven't seen since you were stringing lights around your house last December, perhaps?

Because after all, you really haven't managed to convince yourself that you give a damn about your ancestors, or that giving a damn will do anything to enrich your life in any way.  This is all about having another excuse for not leaving the house, or using that So Much Smarter Than You phone.  And wasting money.  In short, it's all about your sad little life spent gazing at a glowing screen, trying to find some meaning in all this and hoping that you'll find it for sale on some website at a reasonable price.

I just had to include this parody ad along with the actual commercial, because it's so spot-on.  Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

*Unless I'm misinterpreting what I'm seeing, doesn't the woman in the first ad hit a gigantic dead end just a few generations into her search, when she finds out her great-grandmother was found abandoned outside an Abbey (thus her last name?)

I'm J-O-H-N and your commercial gives me a H-E-A-D-A-C-H-E

Here you are, ladies and gentlemen- the laziest, most condescendingly insulting commercial since the last time someone tried to sell us a cell phone or cable service.

Seriously, I'm sorry the K-N-O-B who wrote this lump of C-R-U-D is so L-A-M-E, but I'll be even sorrier if he doesn't soon himself on the unemployment L-I-N-E.  After all, SOMEONE needs to pay for making me really, really hate the jackasses who appear in this steaming pile of D-U-N-G.

I"m assuming that all of these idiots are Libertarians?

I mean, what kind of Live Free or Die jagoff carries his pathetic "No gummint gonna tell me what I'm gonna do with my own skull" philosophy as far as refusing to wear a seat belt?

There's a very good reason for seat belt laws, none of which have anything to do with the Big Bad Nanny Government wanting to deprive you of your god-given right to be a clueless jackass.  You see, there's this annoying thing called Car Insurance that state laws require to buy so when you slam into someone while scrolling baseball scores on your smartphone instead of watching the damn road the medical bills which result won't be the responsibility of the person you hit.  And if we are all wearing seat belts, the chances are really good that the bill will be a lot lower than if we got tossed around (or out) of the vehicle upon impact.

It's not rocket science.  But if you are still wedded to your "principles" which require to you repeatedly threaten to have your nose shaved off by your steering wheel to spite your face, Man Up and just pay the fines.  Thoreau spent the night in jail rather than compromise HIS principles.  What's a hundred dollars or so compared to the satisfaction of knowing you didn't let the Big Bad Government Push You Around?

And when you are eating your meals out of a straw from your wheelchair because instead of a mild case of strap burn and a neck sprain you cracked your skull open on the dashboard while the steering column was severing your spine, don't ask your insurance company to pay out.  That's what a wuss would do.  You aren't a wuss- you proved that by refusing to wear a seat belt, remember?

I just don't get this Altima Ad at all

What exactly is it about this car that the rubes taking the test drive find so amazing?  All we see it do is drive fast around a track after being disguised as a race car.  Why do I get the strong suspicion that these tools just got taken in by the bunting and the race track and the helmets and somehow conned themselves into believing that they were experiencing something extraordinary?

And then, when it was revealed to them that they were shrieking and getting off on riding around in a freaking Nissan, instead of just admitting that they were fooled, decided to cover up by pretending that this was some kind of super awesome amazing experience OMIGOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS AWESOME CAR IS A NISSAN NO SHIT THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN?

I mean, come on.  It's a freaking Nissan.  You people are easily fooled, and you got carried away by the shiny crap.  Own it.  Suckers.