Oh STFU you smart ass little SOB. You too, Toyota.

Seriously, someone explain to me what any of this drivel has to do with getting me to buy a Toyota.  All I see is a seriously damaged little kid who has obviously been programmed by his hyper-ambitious parents to never ever ever stop practicing for the More Important Than Life Itself Spelling Bee, which is more like the Totally Pointless Having No Bearing On The Real World Child Competition One Step Above Beauty Pageant your parents will be sticking you in NEXT year, poor kid.  This boy needs some Away Time from his horrible parents so he can be introduced to a childhood.

Or, he's like the title of this post suggests- a Too Cutesy To Be Allowed Outside Bundle of Smarm I don't ever, ever want to see on my TV again.*  Oh, and he can take Jan with him.  Her fifteen minutes should have been up YEARS ago.

*"Spell Expeditious?"  Well, as long as you feel comfortable barking orders at total strangers, here's one for you- get your nasty little puss out of my face, I'm just here to pimp cars to your creep parents, ok?

Why Louisville? Because it's that time of year again, I guess

As near as I can tell, it's because the Advanced Placement US History Test became too popular and required too many readers for San Antonio to accommodate- so the annual reading moved to Louisville, which has two big centrally-located hotels connected to a convention center which can easily seat 1200 graders, in 2007.

Fortunately, it also has some very cool night clubs, museums, a water park, and a minor league baseball team which will be in town for the first two nights I'm there.  Across the river in Indiana is a really cool fossil bed on the river bank.  It's just a really, really fun little town and I always enjoy my annual visit.

Anyway, I'll be there again for the entire week of June 1-7 grading about a thousand Free-Response Essays and Document-Based Questions, so I'm not sure I'll be able to update until I get back.  If the computer lab is still up and operational in the basement of the Kentucky Convention Center I'll post a couple of times, but if not- please keep my counter number up by browsing the archives, and see you with fresh posts when I get back!

Discover an ad that will leave you wanting to really hurt someone

Discover treats us "the way we'd treat you."  I don't know what that means, and maybe I heard it wrong- though that's really hard to believe, considering I've suffered through this god damned hateful horrible insulting steaming dollop of crud about twenty times over the past hour.  If I did hear right, Discover thinks that the way we "want to be treated" is like mouth-breathing toddlers who need to be hit on the head with a Stupid Rubber Hammer of Dumb by the laziest ad writers since that "Don't Squeeze The Charmin" campaign ended in the 70s.

I just wonder- how many perfectly good television sets got destroyed by people who couldn't get to the remote and would rather endure anything other than listening to this banal horror even one more time?

I also wonder what mutant species spawned the YouTube comment-writers who actually LOL like this ad LOL.  More evidence that alcohol and pregnancy don't mix.

I'm sorry, but the guy in this Experian Ad still has plenty to worry about

So this guy cosigned his daughter's application to get a credit card.  He "thought that was the end of the conversation"- probably because he thought he had raised his daughter to be a sensible, level-headed human being and not an irresponsible jackass with Daddy's Credit Rating.

Then he found out that his daughter was using the card to buy friends and rake up a big bill in a dozen other ways.  He found this out through a "Satellite Service" (I don't know what this is.  Nor do I want to.)  Not from his daughter.  In fact, there's no indication that he even once called her to ask for a heart-to-heart on the subject of fiscal responsibility or common decency for that matter.

When he found out that daughter wasn't paying the bills on the credit card (leaving him, as the co-signer, responsible,) he still "wasn't worried" about his credit score.  He's got Experian which I guess protects his reputation as-- well, as someone who cosigns an irresponsible little twit's credit card application, and then does nothing about it when she runs up a big bill and doesn't make payments on it.  He can "relax" by a big, crystal-clear swimming pool knowing that his credit rating is safe.  Apparently the big bill doesn't bother him in the slightest, because we STILL don't see him attempting any contact with his daughter.  We don't even see him cancelling the card.  It's No Worries for Daddy because Daddy's only concern is his credit score.

Which makes me think that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  Maybe Daughter isn't worried about money because Daddy has never taught her anything about spending and paying bills.  He sure doesn't seem interested in teaching any lessons here.  Hey, at least the Dad in the FreeCreditReport.com  ad took back the credit card when his daughter bought "about fifty pounds of makeup from the makeup store and a party for the entire dorm floor."  This guy is just going to lay by the pool.  Jeesh.

You married it, lady. Live with it.

Ummm.....what?

This loser was really willing to dent up his gleaming, showroom-pristine car so he could watch the odometer hit 100,000?

Where was he driving this car?  Around an empty parking lot?  To the car wash and back, and that's it?  Because if THIS car has 100,000 miles on it, it must come with a force field or a warranty that provides monthly detailing.  I mean, please.

Why do guys like this always have nice houses and wives?  I mean, no matter how rock-stupid they are, they never seem to lack good jobs and the suburban lifestyle that is after all the American Dream.  Sure, Wifey always has a Oh God I Married A Moron look on her face, but she's always there, because hey there's this house and a car.  It never seems to matter how utterly brain-dead these doofuses are- nothing stands in the way of success for some guys.

I don't get it- maybe because I don't live in tv land.  I hope that's it- because if this is reality, I want to know why I missed the boat on this deal.

We were going to add "Oh and thanks, Vets" but we ran out of time

Look, I'm hardly the mawkish, saccharine type who wears his sentimentalism  on his sleeve, but I do find it a little annoying that the only hint of an actual holiday in this ad is a little pinwheel inserted in the company logo.

On the other hand, I've never been able to listen to a lot of radio or watch a lot of TV during Memorial Day weekend, because the cheap treacle just flows too fast and too thick for me- the non-veteran sports and news commentators bleating "honor the fallen" and "support the troops" as if they are being paid by the mention, the phony jingoistic flag-worship, and all the rest which, let's just admit it, is seen by most people as a mild annoyance that barely interrupts the burger-flipping and potato-chip consuming that makes the "holiday" little more than a rehearsal of July 4th.

And what's with the cable movie channels every Memorial Day Weekend?   Every World War II film in the archives gets dragged out, every single year, to run in a ceaseless marathon of cinematic death and destruction.  Who got the idea that the best way to "honor the fallen" is to spend three days watching Hollywood storm beaches and blow up bridges?  The youngest WWII vets are approaching 90.  Is this fun for the veterans of Korea, Vietnam, etc?- "Hey guys, we are going to honor you by showing you movies about America's last real war that had an actual, honorable point to it?"  Or is it more "we really don't know how to honor those who served in war (clearly the only service that counts*) so here's John Wayne leading an army of actors up a fake hill on a lot behind the comedy store again?"  Somehow I find the Lowe's commercials- and the mattress commercials, the car commercials, the big-screen tv commercials, the cell phone commercials, etc.- more dignified than this.   At least they are more honest- "hey, it's a holiday- that means it's time to spend money again!  Why not do it here?"

*If we ever get an actual Liberal in the White House, I'd like that person to push for a national holiday celebrating service that does not involve shooting and getting shot at.  But if we must have two holidays per year devoted to our veterans, let's show our support with something other than 72-hour movie marathons and sales.  How about fully funding the VA and avoiding For-Profit conflicts?  That would be a nice start.

Just because this Passat commercial reminds me of a true story....

So about, oh, fifteen or twenty years ago I was getting ready to drive my little nephew from Vermont to visit his grandparents in Washington, DC.  That's a 9-hour drive, not including gas and bathroom breaks for those of you who are interested.

Very early in the morning of the big drive the kid is dropped off with a little suitcase.  His dad hands me a box of audio tapes.  "What's this?" I ask.  "It's his audio version of The Lord of the Rings- he loves listening to it, and it takes about ten hours to get through."

"Oh cool" I replied.  "Does he have enough batteries for his Walkman to last that long?"  And here comes the punchline.

"Oh, he doesn't have a Walkman.  Don't you have a tape player in the car?"

No kidding.  I was expected to listen to The Lord of the Rings on my car's stereo system.  For nine hours.  Seriously.

I had totally forgotten this story until I saw this ridiculous, obnoxious commercial.  Who the hell plans a road trip and then forces his companion to listen exclusively to one thing all the way?

BTW, considering that everyone except me has a Smartphone these days, isn't this kind of outdated anyway?  What stopped the guest from just whipping out his phone, a pair of ear buds, and living his own little world while the idiot, selfish asshat  driver learned Spanish?

Oh, and no- I don't really remember exactly how it worked out, but I didn't listen to one minute of  The Lord of the Rings during that drive.  Not. One. Minute.