Next year, tablets and cell phones will be curved too. Just watch. It is simply who we are.

Yes, Doc, I know what this means.  It means that once again, we are being told that our perfectly good television sets- which were yesterday's Must Buy, is now a lame-ass, flat piece of crap and our lives are basically over unless we toss them to the curb and bust through our credit card limits to buy this new Technology That Makes Life Worth Living.

To the owners of Dr. Carl Sagan's image- there are no words to describe the contempt I have for you.  When Dr. Sagan was discussing new inventions and technology and the renaissance-to-come, he was NOT referring to another excuse to obsess over the fucking idiot box as our ticket to a stationary, obese lifestyle.

To all of the other actors who whored or where whored out for this dreck- well, I know that these are just random movie clips, none of which actually show you having an orgasm over a new television set (unlike the slack-jawed losers seen drooling over their new toy- I have no words to describe the contempt I have for them, either.)  Still, I hope you feel a little bit of shame to be associated with this horror.

And to all the morons who bought into the I Must Have This Right Now message ten seconds in, well- if TV is your life, I guess this is pretty cool.  And if TV is your life, well, I think I've written enough about undefinable contempt for one post.  Enjoy your- um- existence- with your new, awesome, curvy idiot box, oatmeal-for-brains.

The Evolution of Disgustingly Conspicuous Consumption Continues.....

As a bit of irony, this commercial clip on YouTube is preceded by an ad for Honda, promising that if we buy one of their vastly less pretentious vehicles we'll be the "envy of the neighborhood."  Um, not if our next-door neighbor buys one of these fricking chariots, we won't.

I'm not even going to even get into the fact that David Bowie is either just another horrid sellout, or he lost the rights to his most overrated 80s hit.   I just came home from a week of grading more than a thousand essays of generally poor quality, and I'm pretty out of it, ok?

In fact, I'll just point out that when Marie Antoinette took her final ride in front of cheering crowds, it was in a simple peddler's cart.  Just sayin'.

As for the rest of this dreck, well, it reminds me of nothing more than the two chariot scenes in those Hunger Games films.  Without the happy ending- you know, 90 percent of the riders being killed in awful ways.  Because man, if you need cart your over-indulged ass around in one of these things, be ready to face karma when it comes back to bite you in aforementioned ass.  I bet you didn't spend one moment thinking about all the kids you could be feeding with the money you poured into this repulsive, unnecessary ego-stroking toy.  Too busy imagining be gaped at and admired, right?

Well, guess what?  When you breathe your last, all that money buys you a slightly larger hole to toss your worthless corpse into.  Sans head, if there is a deity and if His Creations ever wake the hell up.

Behr Footin'?

1.  This is a nice song, but it needs a hook.

2.  I don't know how good this concrete/wood paint covering stuff really is, and I don't care.  Just WATCHING this commercial gives me splinters.  No WAY am I doing this in real life.

Oh STFU you smart ass little SOB. You too, Toyota.

Seriously, someone explain to me what any of this drivel has to do with getting me to buy a Toyota.  All I see is a seriously damaged little kid who has obviously been programmed by his hyper-ambitious parents to never ever ever stop practicing for the More Important Than Life Itself Spelling Bee, which is more like the Totally Pointless Having No Bearing On The Real World Child Competition One Step Above Beauty Pageant your parents will be sticking you in NEXT year, poor kid.  This boy needs some Away Time from his horrible parents so he can be introduced to a childhood.

Or, he's like the title of this post suggests- a Too Cutesy To Be Allowed Outside Bundle of Smarm I don't ever, ever want to see on my TV again.*  Oh, and he can take Jan with him.  Her fifteen minutes should have been up YEARS ago.

*"Spell Expeditious?"  Well, as long as you feel comfortable barking orders at total strangers, here's one for you- get your nasty little puss out of my face, I'm just here to pimp cars to your creep parents, ok?

Why Louisville? Because it's that time of year again, I guess

As near as I can tell, it's because the Advanced Placement US History Test became too popular and required too many readers for San Antonio to accommodate- so the annual reading moved to Louisville, which has two big centrally-located hotels connected to a convention center which can easily seat 1200 graders, in 2007.

Fortunately, it also has some very cool night clubs, museums, a water park, and a minor league baseball team which will be in town for the first two nights I'm there.  Across the river in Indiana is a really cool fossil bed on the river bank.  It's just a really, really fun little town and I always enjoy my annual visit.

Anyway, I'll be there again for the entire week of June 1-7 grading about a thousand Free-Response Essays and Document-Based Questions, so I'm not sure I'll be able to update until I get back.  If the computer lab is still up and operational in the basement of the Kentucky Convention Center I'll post a couple of times, but if not- please keep my counter number up by browsing the archives, and see you with fresh posts when I get back!

Discover an ad that will leave you wanting to really hurt someone

Discover treats us "the way we'd treat you."  I don't know what that means, and maybe I heard it wrong- though that's really hard to believe, considering I've suffered through this god damned hateful horrible insulting steaming dollop of crud about twenty times over the past hour.  If I did hear right, Discover thinks that the way we "want to be treated" is like mouth-breathing toddlers who need to be hit on the head with a Stupid Rubber Hammer of Dumb by the laziest ad writers since that "Don't Squeeze The Charmin" campaign ended in the 70s.

I just wonder- how many perfectly good television sets got destroyed by people who couldn't get to the remote and would rather endure anything other than listening to this banal horror even one more time?

I also wonder what mutant species spawned the YouTube comment-writers who actually LOL like this ad LOL.  More evidence that alcohol and pregnancy don't mix.

I'm sorry, but the guy in this Experian Ad still has plenty to worry about

So this guy cosigned his daughter's application to get a credit card.  He "thought that was the end of the conversation"- probably because he thought he had raised his daughter to be a sensible, level-headed human being and not an irresponsible jackass with Daddy's Credit Rating.

Then he found out that his daughter was using the card to buy friends and rake up a big bill in a dozen other ways.  He found this out through a "Satellite Service" (I don't know what this is.  Nor do I want to.)  Not from his daughter.  In fact, there's no indication that he even once called her to ask for a heart-to-heart on the subject of fiscal responsibility or common decency for that matter.

When he found out that daughter wasn't paying the bills on the credit card (leaving him, as the co-signer, responsible,) he still "wasn't worried" about his credit score.  He's got Experian which I guess protects his reputation as-- well, as someone who cosigns an irresponsible little twit's credit card application, and then does nothing about it when she runs up a big bill and doesn't make payments on it.  He can "relax" by a big, crystal-clear swimming pool knowing that his credit rating is safe.  Apparently the big bill doesn't bother him in the slightest, because we STILL don't see him attempting any contact with his daughter.  We don't even see him cancelling the card.  It's No Worries for Daddy because Daddy's only concern is his credit score.

Which makes me think that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  Maybe Daughter isn't worried about money because Daddy has never taught her anything about spending and paying bills.  He sure doesn't seem interested in teaching any lessons here.  Hey, at least the Dad in the FreeCreditReport.com  ad took back the credit card when his daughter bought "about fifty pounds of makeup from the makeup store and a party for the entire dorm floor."  This guy is just going to lay by the pool.  Jeesh.