When you spread your "joy," could you keep the f--k out of my neighborhood?

Um, seriously, Nissan?

I have often accused commercial producers of living in some weird fantasy world in which they think people really, really enjoy watching others be total douchnozzles, or at least shrug off the douchnozzlery of society with a shrug, a nod and a "whaddayagonnado?"  But Nissan has really taken it up a notch with this one.

According to this ad, what really makes us happy is listening to other people's taste in music, blaring out of their awesome Bose sound systems installed in their even more awesome Japanese imports.  When we hear it, we smile and give a big thumbs-up because hey, we weren't doing anything like reading or listening to our own music or just thinking and taking in the world.  We were just waiting for someone to come along with speakers big and powerful enough to let us know exactly what someone else likes to listen to, because we all have exactly the same taste in music.*

I know we all have exactly the same taste in music because I ride the DC Metrorail system pretty much every day, and if we didn't all have exactly the same taste in music the very thoughtful dicktards sharing the subway with me wouldn't be so kind as to use earbuds which allow their- umm-- "music" to carry throughout the car.  They'd figure "hey, I want to listen to my sound, but I don't know if anyone else wants to, so I'd better wear actual headphones or turn down my volume."  Thank goodness we all love the same music, huh?

So Nissan has this exactly right, don't they?  We all get a kick of suddenly being jarred by the dulcet tones of heavy bass, or crap '60s music, or whatever, be it at 2 PM or 2 AM, coming past our cars or our homes- doesn't matter, it's great because like I said, we all have the same taste in music and it's all about sharing.  Right?

So why do I hope that the people who made this commercial spent an eternity in a very special hell in which massive car speakers are forever blaring Mony Mony** or something that doesn't have lyrics but is just the rhythmic pounding bass which is mysteriously popular in every suburb in the United States, especially between 1 and 4 AM, when we would probably be deprived of it if not for the very thoughtful people who are kind enough to roll through our neighborhoods with their windows down?  Must be something wrong with me.

*Let's cut to the chase.  People who blare music from leaky earphones or car stereo systems are sociopaths, pure and simple.   They aren't clueless.  They know exactly what they are doing, and they simply don't give a flying damn if they are bothering anyone- in fact, I suspect that bothering people is precisely their goal.   I don't know what caused them to be such bitter, angry dicktards, and I frankly don't really care.  I just hope that there is an afterlife worthy of their deeds waiting for them.

**which eight-year old kids on a school bus are somehow familiar with.  Uh-huh.  WTF-ever, Nissan.

And if you take this poser seriously, I've got plenty to sell you, too

I'm not sure exactly when Al Sharpton graduated from race-baiting bullshit artist stirring up hatred on the streets of New York City by throwing false accusations around like they were candy to "respected voice of Civil Rights" on MSNBC, but I can tell you he did absolutely nothing to earn this promotion- unless you count getting a steady 1 percent of the vote in Democratic primaries for President.  Oh, and being a total 100 percent loyal suck-up to the Corpo-Democratic Party.

These days, MSNBC is running commercials in which Reverend Al brays cliche'd phrases about Civil Rights interspersed with images of a real, actual rights leader, Dr Martin Luther King Jr.  Apparently, Sharpton is to be taken seriously on the issue of Civil Rights because.....umm, well, because....he's black?  Sharpton kind of forgets to tell us that he when he wasn't way, way, WAY in the background of the Civil Rights movement he was acting as an informer for the FBI- I guess that would damage "fight the establishment" narrative just a little bit.  And don't ever, EVER mention Tawana Brawley- never mind that if it had not been for that mild case of outright slander and thuggery, we never would have even HEARD of this disgusting rodent in an expensive suit.

I'm a pretty big fan of MSNBC most of the time- but do my very best to avoid Sharpton's incredibly undeserved hour, Politics Nation.  Sometimes I don't hit the button on my XM/Sirius radio quite fast enough, and get an earful of this jagoff screaming GOOD EVENING ED (anyone who listens to Sharpton- hey, whatever floats your boat- knows that the man long ago decided that YELLING INSTEAD OF TALKING is what mental midgets do to try to convince the audience that there's substance behind the BS. I think Sharpton's theory is Volume=Sincerity, or something.)   I probably agree with every single conviction he claims to have because MSNBC is cutting him a check, but I absolutely cannot stand this sack of garbage, and it really adds insult to injury when he attempts to lecture me on honesty, integrity or rights.  It's almost as bad as listening to Joe Scarborough tell me that the Koch Brothers are at heart just good Americans exercising their freedom of speech.  Almost.

We really feel for you, buddy.

Ed Schultz started with a radio show back in 2004.  Then he was given an MSNBC show on weeknights but kept his radio show.  Then he moved to a weekends-only MSNBC show but kept his radio show.  Then he came back to a nightly MSNBC show but kept his radio show.  And how he's giving up his radio show, but keeping his MSNBC show.   I guess he got over his "I need two shows" complaint.

BTW, while I like Ed, I wish the people who want him to read their tweets on the air weren't such butt-kissing brown-nosers.  Asking Ed "are you going to go fishing this weekend?" or "what's your favorite food to grill?" will get your question answered on the air, which I guess is all you want, but your pathetic need to be a shameless bootlicker makes me, a fellow human being, deeply ashamed of you.  "Big Eddie" might be a good progressive, but he's also a guy who in the past has bitched about not being able to get a business class ticket to North Dakota for less than $3900 (that's not a typo) and how he really wants to fish the Kamchatka Peninsula someday (and certainly will.)  Yeah, he's all Middle Class and Just One of Us.  Sure he is.

But whatever you think of Ed, please, save a little of your dignity and stop asking him stupid questions that have nothing to do with anything except feeding his infinite desire to talk about himself.  Or just ask him if he's hiring toadies.  You choads are more than qualified.

Next year, tablets and cell phones will be curved too. Just watch. It is simply who we are.

Yes, Doc, I know what this means.  It means that once again, we are being told that our perfectly good television sets- which were yesterday's Must Buy, is now a lame-ass, flat piece of crap and our lives are basically over unless we toss them to the curb and bust through our credit card limits to buy this new Technology That Makes Life Worth Living.

To the owners of Dr. Carl Sagan's image- there are no words to describe the contempt I have for you.  When Dr. Sagan was discussing new inventions and technology and the renaissance-to-come, he was NOT referring to another excuse to obsess over the fucking idiot box as our ticket to a stationary, obese lifestyle.

To all of the other actors who whored or where whored out for this dreck- well, I know that these are just random movie clips, none of which actually show you having an orgasm over a new television set (unlike the slack-jawed losers seen drooling over their new toy- I have no words to describe the contempt I have for them, either.)  Still, I hope you feel a little bit of shame to be associated with this horror.

And to all the morons who bought into the I Must Have This Right Now message ten seconds in, well- if TV is your life, I guess this is pretty cool.  And if TV is your life, well, I think I've written enough about undefinable contempt for one post.  Enjoy your- um- existence- with your new, awesome, curvy idiot box, oatmeal-for-brains.

The Evolution of Disgustingly Conspicuous Consumption Continues.....

As a bit of irony, this commercial clip on YouTube is preceded by an ad for Honda, promising that if we buy one of their vastly less pretentious vehicles we'll be the "envy of the neighborhood."  Um, not if our next-door neighbor buys one of these fricking chariots, we won't.

I'm not even going to even get into the fact that David Bowie is either just another horrid sellout, or he lost the rights to his most overrated 80s hit.   I just came home from a week of grading more than a thousand essays of generally poor quality, and I'm pretty out of it, ok?

In fact, I'll just point out that when Marie Antoinette took her final ride in front of cheering crowds, it was in a simple peddler's cart.  Just sayin'.

As for the rest of this dreck, well, it reminds me of nothing more than the two chariot scenes in those Hunger Games films.  Without the happy ending- you know, 90 percent of the riders being killed in awful ways.  Because man, if you need cart your over-indulged ass around in one of these things, be ready to face karma when it comes back to bite you in aforementioned ass.  I bet you didn't spend one moment thinking about all the kids you could be feeding with the money you poured into this repulsive, unnecessary ego-stroking toy.  Too busy imagining be gaped at and admired, right?

Well, guess what?  When you breathe your last, all that money buys you a slightly larger hole to toss your worthless corpse into.  Sans head, if there is a deity and if His Creations ever wake the hell up.

Behr Footin'?

1.  This is a nice song, but it needs a hook.

2.  I don't know how good this concrete/wood paint covering stuff really is, and I don't care.  Just WATCHING this commercial gives me splinters.  No WAY am I doing this in real life.

Oh STFU you smart ass little SOB. You too, Toyota.

Seriously, someone explain to me what any of this drivel has to do with getting me to buy a Toyota.  All I see is a seriously damaged little kid who has obviously been programmed by his hyper-ambitious parents to never ever ever stop practicing for the More Important Than Life Itself Spelling Bee, which is more like the Totally Pointless Having No Bearing On The Real World Child Competition One Step Above Beauty Pageant your parents will be sticking you in NEXT year, poor kid.  This boy needs some Away Time from his horrible parents so he can be introduced to a childhood.

Or, he's like the title of this post suggests- a Too Cutesy To Be Allowed Outside Bundle of Smarm I don't ever, ever want to see on my TV again.*  Oh, and he can take Jan with him.  Her fifteen minutes should have been up YEARS ago.

*"Spell Expeditious?"  Well, as long as you feel comfortable barking orders at total strangers, here's one for you- get your nasty little puss out of my face, I'm just here to pimp cars to your creep parents, ok?